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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think husband should get up with my son

43 replies

ForeverMessy456 · 23/01/2023 07:35

I have a son who is 2 years old.
He is a typical boy, up some mornings early doors (5.45-6am) and other mornings usual time (6.30-7am)

I get up with my son almost every day whether I am working or not. My husband pretends he is sleeping or doesn't hear him.

Even when we make an agreement that it is his turn to get up he doesn't. If I say to him that's our son up he just says 'just leave him' or ' it's too early'

What he means is it's too early for him.

Most days when he isn't working he rolls out of bed at 9.30-10am.

He does do the bedtime routine almost every night (apart from when he is playing football or working away) but AIBU to think I shouldn't have to get up every day?

When he's working he uses the excuse I'm working but when he's off he said this if my only days off.

Yet I get up whether I'm at work or not.

If I do on the very odd occasion get a lie in- even if I get up to go to the toilet he said there's no point in my having a long lie as I waste it.

I normally wake up early anyway as I think my body is trained to get up but what he doesn't get is it's nice sometimes to not have to get up and do nappies and breakfast and dishes. It's not about the sleep.

OP posts:
PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 23/01/2023 07:41

You should share the lie-ins equally as far as is practical. It's up to you if your lie-in involves getting up briefly for whatever reason and going back to bed. If he's not happy doing most of the bedtime routine, you should offer to split those too.

FawnFrenchieMum · 23/01/2023 07:42

I was ready to say YNBU and you’re really not but my DH gets up early every day, he can’t sleep past a certain time. We’re past the early rising of children stage but one of us has to get up to sort the dogs. He occasionally says it’s his turn to sleep in, I get up with the dogs and 20 mins later he’s up and about. Drives me insane, I’ve got up against my body clock for him to get up very quickly after. The dogs (or child) can definitely wait 20 mins. I guess what I am saying is I can see his POV if you don’t sleep anyway.

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 23/01/2023 07:42

I think if he does bedtime it's fair that you do mornings - so I would start by doing half the bedtime routines so he has to get up in the mornings.

Devoutspoken · 23/01/2023 07:46

Of course it should be shared, mornings are way harder than bedtimes

moofolk · 23/01/2023 07:49

Two things.

  1. Absolutely he should get up and share responsibility.
  2. I notice the OP describes 'my' son not 'our' son. Is your partner the father? If so why do you refer to your son like this? Is it because DP does F all? Do you think he picks up on this?
Original poster
ForeverMessy456 · 23/01/2023 07:51

@moofolk

Yes he is our son as in my partner is the father.

Obviously when speaking about him to my partner or people we know I refer to him as our son. For the purpose of this post it's me who's posting here I wrote my son. Nothing deeper.

OP posts:
Mummieslncorporated · 23/01/2023 07:53

'I have a son'. 'My son' (twice). Only once do you say 'our son'.

Do you allow him to be a parent? If you have taken ownership of your son, is it possible that your dh feels disempowered with how to deal with him?

pinkdelight · 23/01/2023 07:54

Parenting should be shared. But then again, if you want a non-sexist set-up, best to ditch weird ideas like:

He is a typical boy, up some mornings early doors (5.45-6am) and other mornings usual time (6.30-7am)

For a start there's nothing remotely 'typical boy' about that behaviour and beyond that, thinking in terms of 'typical boy' will feed into your DS turning out like your partner. Apart from giving birth and breastfeeding, there's nothing you should be doing for DS that your partner can't do half of, assuming DS is his. The 'my DS' is also telling. If you think of him that way, it presupposes a more hands on role for you.

Overthebow · 23/01/2023 07:57

It should be shared, not fair on you to get up early every day. Saying that, if he does all the bedtimes then he may feel he does that and you do mornings. I’d sit down and have a chat with him and agree that you’ll share both bedtimes and mornings from now on.

Blueisthecolor · 23/01/2023 07:59

Absolute lazy arse. U need to make it clear u will not be getting up as he needs to take his turn. It's ur day off too and yet u have to get up every day regardless!

I think he knows Ul give in. I would end up divorcing in these situations as I cldnt cope with the selfishness and resentment would build until I cldnt take it anymore! It's so unattractive.

Me and dh take turns at wkend it's simple he gets 1 day and I get the other. He often can't get bk to sleep but lies in bed enjoying some peace. If he wldnt get up I'd make sure he wasn't sleeping I'd make so much noise!

piedbeauty · 23/01/2023 07:59

What are you doing when he does bedtime? Making tea, tidying? How about your and your h swap around sometimes?

Agree he should be giving you lie-ins - they should be equally shared.

vivaespanaole · 23/01/2023 08:00

What you do with 'your' lie in is none of his business. Mine was often spent with a coffee in bed and reading my book for an hour. Peace resting and relaxation with no nattering or kids tv. A gentle start to the day. Long shower and getting dressed in peace. Calm relaxed happy mum. In time I did train myself to go back to sleep a bit if I needed it.

One weekend day lie in for certain. (One each). And on days where you are both working he should be sorting DS breakfast whilst you shower etc, tag team. Our routine was that I entirely got DD ready. But DH then did nursery run and I presented him a child ready to leave at the front door. But then I had 30 mins to myself before I needed to leave to get myself ready and that worked well for us. But weekday mornings where we both worked were definitely a team effort.

RayaRyder · 23/01/2023 08:00

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Dragonsandcats · 23/01/2023 08:02

FawnFrenchieMum · 23/01/2023 07:42

I was ready to say YNBU and you’re really not but my DH gets up early every day, he can’t sleep past a certain time. We’re past the early rising of children stage but one of us has to get up to sort the dogs. He occasionally says it’s his turn to sleep in, I get up with the dogs and 20 mins later he’s up and about. Drives me insane, I’ve got up against my body clock for him to get up very quickly after. The dogs (or child) can definitely wait 20 mins. I guess what I am saying is I can see his POV if you don’t sleep anyway.

But you’re being unfair. He can choose what to do with his free time, just because you choose to sleep he doesn’t have to.

FawnFrenchieMum · 23/01/2023 08:21

Dragonsandcats · 23/01/2023 08:02

But you’re being unfair. He can choose what to do with his free time, just because you choose to sleep he doesn’t have to.

Show quote history

Rationally I know I am, but when I’m shattered and he gets up bright and breezy it makes me seethe inside. I don’t remember feeling like this when we have small children, but not the teens sleep and once let out for a wee, the dogs curl back up and sleep. I know I’m wrong but it’s how it makes me feel.

Thepeopleversuswork · 23/01/2023 08:29

FawnFrenchieMum · 23/01/2023 07:42

I was ready to say YNBU and you’re really not but my DH gets up early every day, he can’t sleep past a certain time. We’re past the early rising of children stage but one of us has to get up to sort the dogs. He occasionally says it’s his turn to sleep in, I get up with the dogs and 20 mins later he’s up and about. Drives me insane, I’ve got up against my body clock for him to get up very quickly after. The dogs (or child) can definitely wait 20 mins. I guess what I am saying is I can see his POV if you don’t sleep anyway.

That’s a bizarre way to look at it tbh.

Just because you have a “free” morning doesn’t oblige you to lie in bed.

I personally hate lying In unless I am incredibly tired or unwell. I hate the idea of wasting precious time lolling about in bed. I would almost never stay in bed later than 8.30 at weekends and during the week would always be up at 6.30. Would that mean my partner was off the hook permanently with any morning tasks? No, it’s a terrible example to set to kids apart from anything else.

Abouttimemum · 23/01/2023 08:42

We alternate, so whoever does bath and bed gets up in the morning. That means the person getting up sorts cuppas and breakfasts and entertains / supervises little one. Nothing more onerous than that.

Neither of us sleeps in (we go to bed early) but it’s nice to have a couple of hours ‘free’ to do what we want, DH usually goes in his shed, whereas I prefer to sit in bed and read, or do some exercise.

These days DS just comes in our bed and we both chill for an hour while he watches tv!

Anything before 6am has always been treated as a night waking by us. Thankfully he stays in bed until his gro clock tells him to get up at 7am these days.

Original poster
ForeverMessy456 · 23/01/2023 08:43

When my husband is doing bedtime I am cleaning, tidying up after dinner, washing's etc.

When I do bedtime I come back down to nothing done so I have double work to do.

I do bedtimes when he's at football and working away which is every other week for a night or two and football twice a week so it's not like
I'm not taking my turn of bedtimes.

I agree I think one day each at a weekend but as I say when we agree this he just lies in and pretends not to hear 'our' son (since it seems to be annoying people)

OP posts:
Original poster
ForeverMessy456 · 23/01/2023 08:45

@Mummieslncorporated absolutely not. I actively encourage him to do more things and take responsibility.

OP posts:
Original poster
ForeverMessy456 · 23/01/2023 08:46

@pinkdelight as stated I am referring to him as my son as I am writing this.

I don't refer to him as my son only when speaking about him in person.

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 23/01/2023 08:49

of course it isn't fair. I'm surprised you are only seeing it as an issue now. Absolutely speak to him about it and I wouldn't consider having another any time soon.

RudsyFarmer · 23/01/2023 08:52

Because he is selfish. It is ALWAYS because he is selfish.

Mumsanetta · 23/01/2023 08:52

Your husband’s a twat but you are also at fault for allowing it. Make him get up when it’s his turn - take the covers off him, remind him it’s his turn and get very annoyed. What you don’t do is put your martyr hat on and get up yourself.

RayaRyder · 23/01/2023 08:54

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KettrickenSmiled · 23/01/2023 09:02

FawnFrenchieMum · 23/01/2023 07:42

I was ready to say YNBU and you’re really not but my DH gets up early every day, he can’t sleep past a certain time. We’re past the early rising of children stage but one of us has to get up to sort the dogs. He occasionally says it’s his turn to sleep in, I get up with the dogs and 20 mins later he’s up and about. Drives me insane, I’ve got up against my body clock for him to get up very quickly after. The dogs (or child) can definitely wait 20 mins. I guess what I am saying is I can see his POV if you don’t sleep anyway.

OP doesn't sleep anyway because her body clock has become set to expect to be awake early every morning. If her H wasn't such a selfish arse she'd get a chance to re-set it.

And what your H does with his turn to lie in is up to him. YABU to resent doing your turn (especially as it's rare for you, princess) just because he works his mornings differently to you.

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