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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think husband should get up with my son

43 replies

ForeverMessy456 · 23/01/2023 07:35

I have a son who is 2 years old.
He is a typical boy, up some mornings early doors (5.45-6am) and other mornings usual time (6.30-7am)

I get up with my son almost every day whether I am working or not. My husband pretends he is sleeping or doesn't hear him.

Even when we make an agreement that it is his turn to get up he doesn't. If I say to him that's our son up he just says 'just leave him' or ' it's too early'

What he means is it's too early for him.

Most days when he isn't working he rolls out of bed at 9.30-10am.

He does do the bedtime routine almost every night (apart from when he is playing football or working away) but AIBU to think I shouldn't have to get up every day?

When he's working he uses the excuse I'm working but when he's off he said this if my only days off.

Yet I get up whether I'm at work or not.

If I do on the very odd occasion get a lie in- even if I get up to go to the toilet he said there's no point in my having a long lie as I waste it.

I normally wake up early anyway as I think my body is trained to get up but what he doesn't get is it's nice sometimes to not have to get up and do nappies and breakfast and dishes. It's not about the sleep.

OP posts:

KettrickenSmiled · 23/01/2023 09:04

When my husband is doing bedtime I am cleaning, tidying up after dinner, washing's etc.

When I do bedtime I come back down to nothing done so I have double work to do.

Stop doing it then.
Instead of coming downstairs & meekly doing his chores for him - point out that they are undone, & it's his turn to do them.

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 23/01/2023 09:05

ForeverMessy456 · 23/01/2023 08:43

When my husband is doing bedtime I am cleaning, tidying up after dinner, washing's etc.

When I do bedtime I come back down to nothing done so I have double work to do.

I do bedtimes when he's at football and working away which is every other week for a night or two and football twice a week so it's not like
I'm not taking my turn of bedtimes.

I agree I think one day each at a weekend but as I say when we agree this he just lies in and pretends not to hear 'our' son (since it seems to be annoying people)

So stop doing it all.

Let him do bedtime and just sit on the sofa watching TV - then when he comes back down he can wash up and do all the other stuff that needs doing too 🤷🏻‍♀️

quokka5 · 23/01/2023 09:10

Have you considered simply going back to bed when DH gets up?

Alarae · 23/01/2023 09:12

Sorry, but your partner sounds a bit useless.

My DH and I alternate getting up with our daughter each day. If she gets up early on your day, she either comes in to bed with us for a little bit or we just go downstairs earlier.

It's mutual respect for each other that we share the load. We do the same with other things- if one of us does her bath, the other does dinner etc. Parenting (unless affected my things like working hours) shouldn't be left to one person.

IWineAndDontDine · 23/01/2023 09:46

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 23/01/2023 07:42

I think if he does bedtime it's fair that you do mornings - so I would start by doing half the bedtime routines so he has to get up in the mornings.

Disagree with this. Waking up early involves getting less sleep which leaves you energyless all day, whilst a lie in is leisure.

On the other hand, bedtime routine is just parenting. Work, essentially. And I imagine at that time OP is washing up from dinner, or doing laundry, or admin. Still work. Unless she uses this time as leisure, in that case maybe my argument would be different. Even so, an hour bedtime routine doesn't = 3 hours in the morning doing the morning routine.

MeridaBrave · 23/01/2023 16:40

At 2 I would be trying to explain to you son that he has to play by himself until a certain time. We had an alarm clock with eyes which “woke up” so DS could see if it was morning. If it wasn’t he knew it was still nighttime.easy in winter can say “still dark”. If he wakes before a certain time needs to be told it’s still nighttime.

That being said need to agree which days you each get to lie in, eg one have Saturday and one have Sunday. Realistically weekends unlikely to be later than the week. If it was my day to sleep in I’d put earplugs in and tell DH it’s his day to get up.

Mrsmozza123 · 23/01/2023 21:58

You should both get equal child free time. When it happens and
what you do with it is inconsequential. He can’t tell you that you don’t deserve child free mornings because you don’t spend that time in bed. What feels like a break is different to everyone and if you are dictated to what you do with your break it is definitely not going to feel like one.
Do things feel equally generally?
He has football 2 nights a week, do you have any activities for yourself? Could you randomly declare that you are going for a cinema trip or a swim or anything like that? Is there room in your partnership for you to have activities?
Have you told him you want to schedule some time for yourself. (Not specifically a lie in, it’s not up to him what you do, remember)
Personally me and OH like to spend mornings as a family, sometimes that is with us in bed with a coffee and DS playing on the floor climbing all over us. Would that work for you two?

Alicesweewonders · 23/01/2023 22:04

"At 2 I would be trying to explain to you son that he has to play by himself until a certain time"

🤣🤣🤣

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/01/2023 22:12

RudsyFarmer · 23/01/2023 08:52

Because he is selfish. It is ALWAYS because he is selfish.

I can’t really improve on this. It’s soul destroying always having to be the one who gets up though.

NumberTheory · 23/01/2023 22:14

Can you just leave him? Could you get a gro-clock or something and tell him to stay in his room until the sun comes up (you say he’s two, but that’s a wide range of development ability, so I get that this may or may not be appropriate).

In general though, sounds like your DH is being really lazy about this and if you want the lie in you’re going to have to row about it about more so it’s not easier for him to ignore his responsibility. It’s bloody depressing though, to be with a man who won’t put his son’s needs and fairness to his wife before his desire to laze in bed.

ThinWomansBrain · 23/01/2023 22:22

is DS your child with your DH?
in the title you describe him as "my" son - if he is your child from a previous relationship, fair enough that DH regards him as your responsibility.

If he is your joint child, refer to him as that - maybe DH would be more engaged?

ButterCrackers · 23/01/2023 22:24

quokka5 · 23/01/2023 09:10

Have you considered simply going back to bed when DH gets up?

This is a good idea - as well say you have a bad headache from the tiredness of always getting up

Orangepolentacake · 23/01/2023 22:25

pinkdelight · 23/01/2023 07:54

Parenting should be shared. But then again, if you want a non-sexist set-up, best to ditch weird ideas like:

He is a typical boy, up some mornings early doors (5.45-6am) and other mornings usual time (6.30-7am)

For a start there's nothing remotely 'typical boy' about that behaviour and beyond that, thinking in terms of 'typical boy' will feed into your DS turning out like your partner. Apart from giving birth and breastfeeding, there's nothing you should be doing for DS that your partner can't do half of, assuming DS is his. The 'my DS' is also telling. If you think of him that way, it presupposes a more hands on role for you.

I understood that as “a typical child his age”

pinkdelight · 23/01/2023 23:33

You may well have, but that's not what she said.

Onnabugeisha · 23/01/2023 23:37

When is bedtime? It seems that the easiest way to shift wake up time is to move bedtime a bit later.

On a side note, it does sound like your DH isn’t doing his fair share of anything except bedtime. So, you do need to have a negotiation that involves him doing more around the house.

JudgeRudy · 24/01/2023 00:13

This is wrong. Have you unwittingly bought into it though? Your first 3 reference to your son refer to him as yours alone, so my son, I have a son, my son....what happened to our son, we have a son, his son?
You need to agree a fair division of labour at the weekends. Give him choices so it doesn't seem your forcing things, but it needs to be fair eg would you rather have a lazy lie in one day each, or altrrnate weekends each?
Don't get distracted by bedtime routines either. When he says he now wants you to do a bedtime say fine, you tidy the kitchen. Don't forget to bleach the work tops.
You're going to get resistance but it's really not fair. He'll struggle to argue otherwise.

Busybutbored · 24/01/2023 00:21

I agree even if you don't lie in. My body is now messed up so I can't sleep in, but DH does one wake up and breakfast once a week and it makes some difference (he needs to be doing more but that's another thread).
I'd draw up some kind of roster, that way it's easier to stick to and he can't then change his mind or come up with some excuse. Pathetic I know, but I'm planning to do this in a couple of weeks.

Nosleepforthismum · 24/01/2023 02:04

Honestly, you are just not helping yourself here. When you hear your DH determinedly ignoring your son just shake him and loudly declare “DH, DS is awake, you need to get up with him”. Repeat until he actually gets his lazy arse out of bed and then ask him to bring you a coffee in an hour and to shut the door so you won’t be disturbed in the meantime. Get tough and stop feeling guilty.

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