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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not not forgive this wwyd

48 replies

Mugonforehead · 23/01/2023 00:46

I am desperate for advice

5 years & 2 kids later
horrible row last night, woke up this morning niggling thought in my gut. Do some digging discover he went on dating sites after the argument. He says he done it out of anger and deleted it after half hour. Reckons his done with our relationship anyway. But even if we tried to work through it there’s just no going back is there, you don’t do that shit when you love someone right? We had it all
please tell me what would you do my head is frazzled I feel crushed

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Original poster
Mugonforehead · 23/01/2023 00:47

It should say to not forgive this! Can tell I’m all over the place

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Original poster
Mugonforehead · 23/01/2023 00:51

Anyone awake 😔

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loupielou1 · 23/01/2023 00:58

Me im awake OP! I've been in this situation before. You have a row and then they think it's acceptable to go on a dating site. It's not ok! Why would they do this! Please don't go in an endless circle of forgiving this. I did that and then the oh would purposely make arguments so he could go in the dating sites again. (I know this as he told me once we had split for good that he would purposely make an argument so he could go on sites and once I forgave him it was all good again) - he liked the thrill of me being angry and then being naive and take him back again thinking well it was my fault. Don't do this to yourself OP! Get out before you are in the endless cycle that I was many years ago. Love yourself. Would you do it. Go in dating sites as soon as a row? If not then there's you're answer... you are more into the relationship than he is, it's a thrill game to him. You are more important. If not to him than to yourself!

Original poster
Mugonforehead · 23/01/2023 01:01

@loupielou1 exactly that

his Blaming me saying it’s my fault.. apparently I said I’m moving on ( I didn’t !) but even so after 5 years you go and do that? I don’t know how to leave .. private rent in a new area. My income isn’t enough to take it on myself, my little girls just started a preschool she’s finally settled at this is just awful I feel sick!

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Original poster
Mugonforehead · 23/01/2023 01:04

The worst thing is I know I deserve better!

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hadntbeen · 23/01/2023 01:04

Is this the first time he has done something like this?

Original poster
Mugonforehead · 23/01/2023 01:05

@hadntbeen that I am aware off

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Original poster
Mugonforehead · 23/01/2023 01:06

He said it was a moment of madness and deleted it when he knew it was wrong. What about next time if we have an argument and he goes out? Go home with another women? I can’t live with that possibility. I’ve never had to deal with anything like this I feel so so sick

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hadntbeen · 23/01/2023 01:06

What was the row last night about?

hadntbeen · 23/01/2023 01:06

Trying to get whole situation before I can give advice.

Original poster
Mugonforehead · 23/01/2023 01:07

One thing led to another. Nasty things were said. More about how his been off with me last few weeks, I’m hormonal on my period but we’ve had worst arguments we’re we have actually broke up and his moved out!! So this is minor compared to that

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hadntbeen · 23/01/2023 01:10

And did he admit it and was apologetic when you confronted him with it? You found nothing else on his phone other than deleted dating sites? How many sites? Were his pictures on the sites or was he having a nosey? No texts? Dodgy pics?

hadntbeen · 23/01/2023 01:11

And was he drinking when he done this? Just wondering as was a Saturday night and you were arguing, wonder if alcohol involved

Original poster
Mugonforehead · 23/01/2023 01:12

He hasn’t said sorry, his blamed me saying I pushed him, I don’t know how many apps I snooped on his email I know I shouldn’t of but I had the feeling could only see one message to a women. She didn’t reply but there was defo more apps he deleted the emails I can’t log in as if texts his phone. I called him ( his at work ) he just lost his temper

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Original poster
Mugonforehead · 23/01/2023 01:13

I wasn’t drinking I went to bed about 8pm, I think he may of started drinking after that as I heard cans opening. But we only had 4 beers in the fridge so wernt like he was paralytic making stupid mistakes

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Original poster
Mugonforehead · 23/01/2023 01:14

Pics of him was on the site. Makes it worst he cropped me out of one of them!

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hadntbeen · 23/01/2023 01:16

I think if it were a one off and he was really apologetic then it would be something I would be willing to get over. But I think the fact that his reaction is to blame it on you, lose his temper and take no responsibility would do it for me. As well as the fact that he also did message a woman - reply or not. Sorry you find yourself in this situation. I don't have any practical advice for you but someone will be along soon with some. You will be entitled to certain benefits if you move out with your kids as a single mum I'm sure.

CheesusWept · 23/01/2023 01:16

What digging did you do and what exactly did you find?

I’d bet a month’s wage that this wasn’t a new thing that he did. Sorry OP. I’ve been there, and it sucks. But you deserve more. Your kids deserve more.

hadntbeen · 23/01/2023 01:17

Mugonforehead · 23/01/2023 01:14

Pics of him was on the site. Makes it worst he cropped me out of one of them!

Nah see this takes time and effort, this isn't someone that's just on having a nosey which is bad enough. This is someone on a dating site trying to meet women.

BreviloquentBastard · 23/01/2023 01:18

It doesn't really sound like a very healthy relationship to begin with if you're having the sort of rows where you split up and he moves out.

In this instance he's an arsehole, I certainly wouldn't forgive my husband if he did this. Even when we're angry with eachother, neither of us would ever consider just dossing around on a dating app, who does that? What was he even doing, just desperately seeking validation from other women?

What was the argument about that triggered this?

loupielou1 · 23/01/2023 01:20

Sorry but this sounds like the situation I was in. You can forgive him if you want OP and see if it happens again as he may not be the same. But from personal experiences... let go. And I know it seems hard to go. Home, money, kids etc. but you can do it. No one is going to let a mum and children on the streets hunny. No matter what the scarey news articles or google tells you! Pm me if you need x

Original poster
Mugonforehead · 23/01/2023 01:21

I don’t think I can go past this. Might seem like minor to some but for me it’s a big deal

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Floralnomad · 23/01/2023 01:22

Totally agree with pp that if you’ve only been together 5 yrs and have already split up once before it doesn’t really sound like you are that well suited . Everyone argues occasionally but the normal response isn’t to look on dating sites or move out , it sounds like he’s looking for any excuse to leave . Sorry .

Janblues · 23/01/2023 01:25

You and your kids deserve better than this. At some point it will be better to park who is right and who is wrong and instead ask yourself what future you want for you and your DCs.

33belle27 · 23/01/2023 01:26

Didn’t want to read and run.
one things for certain you can’t make a decision at 1am when tensions are running high. You deserve to feel loved and respected, people also do crappy things in the heat of the moment that make them feel like they’ve got the upper hand. It’s more a testament to his character and his ego as opposed to you or your relationship. If this is genuinely a one off and he comes back with his tail between his legs with a very sincere apology I’d be tempted to move on and forgive. If he has ever made you feel like this before then he has shown his true colours.

sending hugs x