Not not forgive this wwyd

[Mugonforehead]

I am desperate for advice

5 years & 2 kids later
horrible row last night, woke up this morning niggling thought in my gut. Do some digging discover he went on dating sites after the argument. He says he done it out of anger and deleted it after half hour. Reckons his done with our relationship anyway. But even if we tried to work through it there’s just no going back is there, you don’t do that shit when you love someone right? We had it all
please tell me what would you do my head is frazzled I feel crushed

You mentioned his pic was on a site with you cropped out so it’s not just a quick look and message, plus he sounds like a bully.

you've said you don’t think you can get past this
But you have 2 kids so if you’re going to leave you need to prepare first.
You need to talk to social services re any help they can give you
Can you stay with a friend / relative just until you get some funds together
He doesn’t sound reasonable enough to go ??? Is he ?? So you have to.

Have friends with you when you move out and do it when he’s not there

If you spend time organising yourself you’ll know at the end whether it’s right for you

I feel like my only option is the council .. I’m not even on this tenancy! Stupid I know but I went with what the estate agent said and it was simply “ your not on tenancy as you don’t work so we’ve only done background checks on him” and I just went along with it!

Go to the council and get your own place. You will not be kicked out the streets. Do it! You deserve to be happy OP. Say its domestic. You'll be ok! Please let us know how you get on, don't let that fool treat you this way anymore.

I'm sorry but I can't believe how many women leave themselves so vulnerable by being a SAHP with no income and no support!

You need to stay calm, sleep on it and think about what you might do in the morning. In spite of having 2 young children, this doesn't seem like a stable relationship. However, you might have to play the long game to get yourself into a position where you have a job, can secure accommodation, and support your children.

I don't think you did 'have it all' from what you've posted, but don't do anything in haste - for the sake of your little ones, never mind yourself.

@loupielou1 thanks you’ve been a great help!
he even text me saying he will download them again if I carry on! I only wanted some answers! Says it all eh

Ps I don't like your name mugonforhead. I understand why as yes I've been the same. But you are not that! You are on here and realising that you are not that username!!! How about "notamugonforheadfromnowon" long winded I know but you know where I'm getting at xx

I also am starting a new job Wednesday! So it’s not like I’m jobless forever. I do have things lined up

Crappy estate agents!!!
Sounds like you need to speak to someone tomorrow.
In person
How does that even work. I have no idea, hoping someone here will have an insight.

@Mugonforehead omg did he seriously say that... what a moron! I want to say more but I don't won't to be banned ob MN lol! Seriously please let us know how you get on! I've been through this and everything under the sun. But guess what... I'm still standing! And you will be too! You're already there lovely

@Mugonforehead best of luck for the new job, that's it girl, have things lined up for yourself! Things can o my get better

I feel like a weights been lifted of my shoulders… it’s going to hurt! And I know it’s not going to be an easy ride but I’m gunna promise to be a happy mum for my children… I know I deserve better and I’ll find it one day … off to download some dating apps 😂

Good for you
Onwards and upwards.

@Mugonforehead I'm you feel that way! Yes happy mum = happy children. Haha go for it on the dating apps to make you feel better. But word of warning... be careful as many pricks on there 🙈🤣 xx

@loupielou1 i defo won’t be on any dating apps 😂😂 but I will just enjoy being free again. Part of me is thinking my poor children they’re so settled but then my own thoughts are thinking I should be happy? And that might seem selfish to some but I know I can’t forgive this so why should I force myself too I’d be unhappy and they’d feel that coming off me x

@Mugonforehead yes be free! And they are not your "poor children"... children know what's right and wrong believe me. They want their mama happy. And that mama is thinking of them the whole way through aren't you!!! Keep strong! And when they're older they will look back on this and be amazed at how strong their mum was!... again I've been there as that child and again as a mother myself! (Cycles need to break) Keep strong, be brave! A lot of people are behind you xx

You are not selfish! Is anything you are selfless as you think of your children a lot! But your children will be wanting you to be selfish as you say right now! Ditch him and go and be free with yourself and your children happily beside you xx

I had a row with my OH and joined a dating app. I just wanted to see the options out there - due to work at the time we had not spoken for a couple of days- and I was hormonal and grumpy ... I thought this would 'end' the relationship.. I knew there was no coming back from it..

In order to look I had to sign up and create a profile - I couldn't bring myself to... I certainly didn't message anyone or add pictures of myself - or crop my OH out of a picture!

@Silentmama well exactly. Obviously we all have that "well fine I can find someone else" type of moments... but do we actually go through with it - NO! So for this man to do and say he will do it again is a huge red flag. To think about it is a different matter but to actually do it then that's half way to a full on more etc. sorry OP to get involved so much in the comments but I genuinely think you need to run now before it gets worse... and don't end up like how I was, it will tear down your self esteem and confidence if you stay. And it's hard to get back. X

Exactly.. he had plenty of opportunities to stop himself but he didn’t and that makes me feel sick

@Mugonforehead yes and he said if you carry on he will download again... threatening like you will stop so he will stop. Emotional blackmail. He won't stop. He just wants you to stop questioning him over it. Leave. Don't look back. You've got this! You know you have

@Mugonforehead feel sick for him (empathy)... it's his sickness remember!...not yours! You loved! You don't need to feel sick for that

No, you don’t do that in a healthy relationship. You don’t abandon your partner by looking for a replacement online just because you had a fight. A healthy relationship keeps space for each partner to express their negative feelings in appropriate ways that are then worked through, safe knowing you won’t be rejected or abandoned for having those feelings.

People who "spite-fuck", always do that. He's probably done it before.
He might even start arguments just to have that made up excuse to spite-fuck. And it's often the same people who need relationships breaks after spats.

My exH once booked an escort after an argument. But a proper planned one - for a week or so ahead.
I found out the date, didn't tell him, watched what his excuse is going to be on the day. He didn't go anywhere... But I saw him for who he was. I was crying in the bedroom next door, whilst he was discussing prices.... And I highly suspect if the date had been sooner, he'd have gone with it.
No way to live that is!