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Original poster

What triggers your grief?

30 replies

AndMeMyGrooveAndMyFriends · 23/01/2023 00:01

My dad died many many years ago of a heart attack.

I still miss him but I can enjoy talking about him, looking at photos etc and reminiscing.

I was on a First Aid training course last week and they started to teach us how to do CPR on a dummy in the event of a heart attack.

This proved to be a trigger for me and out of nowhere I just started crying and had to leave the room. People looked somewhat awkward when I rejoined as I apologised and explained what had happened.

Has anything like this triggered you?

OP posts:
disneydreaming · 23/01/2023 00:15

One of my last memories of my gran was being with her in the ambulance to the hospital. Sometimes seeing a blue light ambulance can trigger me but I think it depends on my mood at the time.

Grief can often hit unexpectedly even years on. Flowers

Renlea · 23/01/2023 00:18

This post just triggered mine! But I could have read this post another day and not been phased. Grief for me depends on how I'm feeling, sometimes I can block things out and sometimes the smallest thing sets me off. Songs, places my Dad took me to, seeing a car like his, seeing someone on oxygen.

GettingStuffed · 23/01/2023 00:19

My mum's birthday and Christmas, she died about 25 years ago. Threads like this. I'm not sure about mother day this year, in the past I could concentrate on my wonderful MiL but she's no longer with us.

PandaG · 23/01/2023 00:21

Little things I read or see and think 'Mum would like that, must suggest it to her' then I remember again I cannot. Similar with special events in the family - wanting to tell her about my DC's exam results, getting jobs etc. Most of the time now I remember with a wry smile and think she'd have loved that, or been so proud, or that would have made her laugh, but just sometimes it triggers real grief.

ThreeLittleDots · 23/01/2023 00:28

Songs he liked, mainly.

mondaytosunday · 23/01/2023 00:44

My father died over 13 years ago. He was quite distinctive looking and had a head of white hair. If I see a gentleman with white hair walking with a toddler it just hits me. My children were 3 and 5 at the time, and I just wish my children could have known him for longer.
My husband died suddenly a few months later. There's an ex politician who really resembles him and has a similar outgoing personality. Whenever I see him I feel warm and fuzzy - he makes me remember the twinkle in my husband's eyes.

Original poster
AndMeMyGrooveAndMyFriends · 23/01/2023 00:46

Sorry if my post has upset anyone. I worded the title in the hope that anyone who was feeling vulnerable would steer clear.

I also find music can particularly start me off! My dad was a huge music lover (as am I) and it's so powerful!

OP posts:
Greenfinch7 · 23/01/2023 00:50

A certain Christmas Carol- I can feel my father standing by my side. Just thinking of it makes me cry

CallieQ · 23/01/2023 01:40

Listening to my mum's favourite songs which were played at her funeral 😥

Nat6999 · 23/01/2023 02:37

Dreams, I often dream of late dp, every time in my dram I'm meeting him & it has to be a secret because everyone else thinks he is dead. I've been having this dream every few months since he died. He also tells me he doesn't drink any more, he looks really well & slim just like he did when I first met him.

Phrenologistsfinger · 23/01/2023 03:01

Babies, pregnant women, pregnancy announcements, baby shower invites, toddlers and mum chat. Can’t not cry, have to avoid or excuse myself.

echt · 23/01/2023 03:25

I had the CPR dummy issue, though my DH was dying of an aneurysm when I found him.
Reading aloud the finding of a stroke victim as part of a studied novel while teaching.
Music is unbearably moving.
The sounds made by a man faceplanting in the park (a fit as it turned out). His grunting intakes of breath were piercing.

Quite simply talking about him. So few people ask these days, it usually sets me off. I am not least bit embarrassed and welcome occasions to speak about him, but sometimes they are.

This thread will last a lot longer if moved to Bereavement.

Brokendaughter · 23/01/2023 04:07

Pavarotti.

My (completely tone deaf) dad looked like his twin.

He loved opera, even if he couldn't hit one note.

Wagner, Vivaldi & Chopin are almost guaranteed to make me cry too.

Anycrispsleft · 23/01/2023 05:42

Phrenologistsfinger · 23/01/2023 03:01

Babies, pregnant women, pregnancy announcements, baby shower invites, toddlers and mum chat. Can’t not cry, have to avoid or excuse myself.

I know where you are coming from on this one. That is a heavy burden to carry, and I hope that there is some light at the end of the tunnel for you, in whatever form that might take.

DontWannaBeObamasElf · 23/01/2023 06:58

Together Again by Janet Jackson. When my Nana died after suffering for months we told my then 5 year old that she was now a star which really helped her cope so whenever I hear "dancing in moonlight I know you are free, 'cause I can see your star shining down on me" I end up in tears.

GrunkleStan · 23/01/2023 07:31

Randomly, the "hold" music at the probate office. I couldn't even tell you what it is, but as soon as I hear it off I go. And I have to phone then semi regularly as they're a useless bunch of buggers.

Penguinsista · 23/01/2023 07:33

Seeing middle aged women pushing their mothers around M and S in a wheelchair. I don't have any interaction with old people now. We are the oldest generation

SkankingWombat · 23/01/2023 08:01

It's usually a seemingly random reminder and catches me completely off guard, but also when life is really tough, as it has been recently, and I really feel the loss of not having someone who I can rely on to be completely there for me on 'my team' (even if giving me advice I don't want to hear!). I have no genetic family left other than my DCs who are young, and whilst I have good friends, they have their own families to deal with. DH has unfortunately proven himself unreliable in times of stress and is currently dealing with his own demons.
A big thing is not being able to share my DCs little successes and wonders. My DM would have wanted and asked for all the details, and shared our happiness. I do tell friends, but I'm really conscious of not wanting to bore them and only talking about it to friends whose DCs are a different age so as not to be viewed as 'showing off' or comparing, when all I actually want to do is share the joy. One DC achieved something great over the weekend. DH was able to send a photo of her with her award to his sibling WhatsApp chat to share that. I don't have anyone comparible to send it to, and that feels very noticeable.

millypeggyandpandora · 23/01/2023 08:10

I agree with dreams being triggering. I somehow feel my parents are visiting me when I dream about them. I then long to hear their voices or touch their hands all day.
My DD bought me some perfume recently which immediately reminded me of my lovely mum and made me cry 😢

lollipoprainbow · 23/01/2023 08:16

Music that my lovely mum liked and being there for me in a crisis as I am now. She would have been there for me.

Xrays · 23/01/2023 08:16

I miss my Grandad every day - I’m 42 and he died from cancer when I was 7 (my Gran and Grandad were like my Mum and Dad for various reasons). All kinds of things can set me off but the other day I walked past an old man in Tesco and he had an aftershave on that literally made me stop in my tracks as it reminded me so muc of Grandad. I literally had to stop myself from asking him what it was as I knew I’d look like a weirdo but it took me right back. I’m not normally someone who goes around smelling old men 😆😆

catmademedoit · 23/01/2023 08:43

Bagpipes

YouJustDoYou · 23/01/2023 08:45

It's been over ten years, but just the mention of still birth. I don't shy away from it, or censor people. But it surprises me it still hits me so hard, like it's still raw and fresh.

TheHolyGrailSpeaks · 23/01/2023 08:47

Penguinsista · 23/01/2023 07:33

Seeing middle aged women pushing their mothers around M and S in a wheelchair. I don't have any interaction with old people now. We are the oldest generation

Similar here. For me, it’s Christmas markets and similar events filled with women my age-ish and their mothers (even though I didn’t even really go to any such markets with my DM, with whom I was very close).

Obeythedancecommander · 23/01/2023 09:42

I feel like everything is a trigger at the moment. My dad only died last year at 62 of an unknown heart condition causing cardiac arrest. I cant seem to think of my dear dad in any capacity or memory what so ever without my eyes filling up.

I had a really hard time in hospital watching his life support be withdrawn and somehow I always end up back there thinking to the last time I saw him taking breaths and what he looked like.

I'd give anything to dream of him (I don't seem to be able to dream anymore) or to be able to remember the good times without crying and to stay away from the memories of his actual death.