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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He slept with someone else during a break and I can’t forgive him…

43 replies

Familyoffour95 · 22/01/2023 22:41

I’ve been on and off with my partner for a while because things have been rocky. On our last break which lasted about a month, he then confessed that he slept with someone he barely knew after a couple of weeks.

Technically yes we were on a break with the view to take some space and time apart from each other but then try and resolve the issue so I guess it’s not classed as cheating, but I just can’t see how he done that - I can’t even bring myself to kiss another person let alone do that!

OP posts:
Original poster
Familyoffour95 · 22/01/2023 22:42

It cut off my post - I meant to add - AIBU for feeling like this?

OP posts:
ModeWeasel · 22/01/2023 22:43

Is this Rachel from Friends?

Quitelikeit · 22/01/2023 22:43

Who initiated the break? And why do you keep having breaks?

cleanitup · 22/01/2023 22:43

Familyoffour95 · 22/01/2023 22:42

It cut off my post - I meant to add - AIBU for feeling like this?

YABU to consider not making the break permanent.

Usergjdksndjsn · 22/01/2023 22:43

Are you rachel?

if you’re not teenagers YABU for having a relationship where you say ‘on our latest break’
be over or don’t be over. Pick one.
if you can’t forgive him, which is a reasonable position, then that’s your decision made.
i don’t see why it matters if other people would count it ‘technically as cheating’
do you feel ok with it? No. Can you forgive it? No.
theres your answer

Minfilia · 22/01/2023 22:44

Any on/off relationship is bad news.

he slept with someone else and you can’t get past it.

time to move on.

Sukisal · 22/01/2023 22:44

You have two options though don’t you? 1) you forgive him or 2) you don’t and you stop trying to fix something that sounds pretty broken (albeit potentially fixable if you wanted it to be).

personally, I don’t really think he has done anything wrong. Out of interest did he volunteer the info or did you ask?

Slimjimtobe · 22/01/2023 22:44

You need to be honest with yourself - this isn’t the right relationship is it?

BigChesterDraws · 22/01/2023 22:46

Doesn’t sound the relationship has much going for it if you’re constantly “taking a break”. You sound very immature. You’ll move on and get over him.

And he’s not a partner. He’s an acquaintance you occasionally have sex with. A partnership doesn’t go “on a break” at the drop of a hat like this.

Sukisal · 22/01/2023 22:46

I wonder if he volunteered the info because he wants to force a decision to make the break permanent.

if you asked him, well I personally think you shouldn’t ask questions you think you’ll not like the answer too.

Original poster
Familyoffour95 · 22/01/2023 22:46

Definitely not Rachel, although I feel like her now!

There has been some issues from past relationships like issues with opening up, trust etc and he had no choice but to tell me because I found a certain photo in his phone (I was looking for something else)

OP posts:
Ruffpuff · 22/01/2023 22:48

WE WERE ON A BREAK!

Sorry, but I have to agree with Ross. If you’re on a break, meaning you’re temporarily not in a relationship (which may or may not re-kindle) then you’re not subject to the boundaries of the relationship and you’re free to shag other people.

VioletPickles · 22/01/2023 22:51

I feel for you op, tbh I’d be really upset too. He probably wasn’t making his decision with his head /heart. Why where you on a break?

Original poster
Familyoffour95 · 22/01/2023 22:53

@VioletPickles he did say that, that there was nothing emotional there but it didn’t make me feel much better!

we both have issues from past relationships which sometimes affects us now such as trust and opening up to each other, and sometimes it just gets overwhelming for both of us

OP posts:
SouperNoodle · 22/01/2023 22:53

Either stay together and work on things or break up. On again, off again relationships are so toxic.
You would be better walking away.

ClockingTime · 22/01/2023 22:55

Sounds like something off the Jeremy Kyle show.

FeinCuroxiVooz · 22/01/2023 22:58

I honestly think most people would expect that "on a break" means that for the time being the relationship is off and there is no expectation of fidelity to each other. It's clear from many many years of occasional discussions of this very question with regard to Rachel&Ross in Friends that some people think otherwise. tbh I think it's a little narcissistic to want to have no ties, commitment or active relationship with someone yet want them to be faithful to you to prove that they don't think anyone else in the world other than you is worth their attention.

but this question is well enough known as a topic for a variety of opinions that you should have known it was a possibility. If you wanted space and time away from him to consider your options, but simultaneously wanted him to continue to consider himself "in a couple" with you and not free to consider his own options, then you were being very unreasonable not to state that explicitly but maybe you didn't want to say it out loud because you would have seen how unbalanced that was.

Heyahun · 22/01/2023 23:03

Ohhh the drama

just end it if you can’t get passed it

sounds like too much work if you are always on again off again anyway - I couldn’t be bothered with this

just find someone else

BabyOnBoard90 · 22/01/2023 23:05

It's called a break for a reason

Jellybean23 · 22/01/2023 23:07

If you can't forgive him, don't. But don't prolong the agony, end the relationship for good. Why continue if it makes you miserable? Are you afraid you won't meet the right man so you're making this one 'fit' instead?

Itloggedmeoutagain · 22/01/2023 23:07

You need to move on this is not healthy

Phenolet · 22/01/2023 23:08

Relationships don't need to be this hard.
Do you think it's time to call it a day and move on? It's been rocky for a while and now you can't get past what happened while you were apart.

You say you both have trust issues from bad relationships and it sounds like things can get a bit toxic. Maybe you need to be single for a while, work on yourself and deal with your past traumas. That way future relationships will be healthy ones.

youshouldnthaveasked · 22/01/2023 23:10

Why do you keep having breaks? Who is initiating these breaks?

If it’s him he clearly wants the best of both worlds, and are you certain this is the one and only time he has slept with someone else?

SuperHandss · 22/01/2023 23:11

If it’s on and off just make it permanently off. It shouldn’t be difficult to have a healthy relationship.

Suprima · 22/01/2023 23:12

Multiple breaks
’rocky’
’trust issues’

this relationship is utter dogshit….why are you trying to force this?

good couples who function and love and respect each other don’t have multiple ‘breaks’

just cut it off