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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He slept with someone else during a break and I can’t forgive him…

43 replies

Familyoffour95 · 22/01/2023 22:41

I’ve been on and off with my partner for a while because things have been rocky. On our last break which lasted about a month, he then confessed that he slept with someone he barely knew after a couple of weeks.

Technically yes we were on a break with the view to take some space and time apart from each other but then try and resolve the issue so I guess it’s not classed as cheating, but I just can’t see how he done that - I can’t even bring myself to kiss another person let alone do that!

OP posts:
qpmz · 22/01/2023 23:14

Any relationship where you look at each others phones is doomed in my view.

LolaSmiles · 22/01/2023 23:14

You weren't together so don't get to hold him to the same standards you'd want from a relationship. He's not done anything wrong and expecting him to be broken up and not look at anyone else is unrealistic.

But you don't have to be willing or able to move past it. It's ok to decide that you're uncomfortable with the speed he slept with someone else in a break and you're not happy this relationship is right for you.

VivaVivaa · 22/01/2023 23:14

I generally don’t believe in breaks. You are either in a relationship and you work through issues, or you are not. It sounds like you’d both be better off permanently walking away and spending some time healing yourselves, before getting into future relationships.

JudgeRudy · 22/01/2023 23:14

You're relationship is 'rocky'. You were on one of several breaks.....l didn't bother reading much more.
You don't work together. Now you still don't work together except thos time you're jealous and he feels guilty. It's getting worse not better!

NumberTheory · 22/01/2023 23:14

I don’t think it would bother me, but I’m not sure. It’s never happened to me and I wouldn’t want to bet that I would be as sanguine in reality as I am in theory.

If it’s how you feel, it’s how you feel. It’s going to eat away at you whether it’s reasonable or not. I don’t think you should ignore the feeling just because he doesn’t want you to feel that way.

justasking111 · 22/01/2023 23:15

My son used to say when I queried why he didn't go out with a girl who was obviously interested in him. She's too high maintenance mum.

For whatever reason you're both too high maintenance for each other. It's toxic and will not improve

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 22/01/2023 23:16

@Familyoffour95

You were on a break and it clearly sounds like you should stay on a permanent break

Away from each other

Draw a line under it and move on - simple

Butchyrestingface · 22/01/2023 23:20

YABU for being angry at him for sleeping with someone else when you were no longer together.

YABU for dragging this dying duck of a relationship on well past its natural end point. Just shoot it.

Summerfun54321 · 22/01/2023 23:20

Get the relationship in the bin, get some self respect and move on. Him sleeping with some isn't really relevant, what is relevant is the fact you're so off and on and shouldn't be together in the first place.

RobertaFirmino · 22/01/2023 23:23

Do yourself a favour and call it a day. It will just eat away at you forever otherwise and you'll become very bitter, with even more trust issues than before. That's no way to live and you deserve a damn sight better. You deserve happiness and I'm not sure you'll find it in this relationship.

Renlea · 22/01/2023 23:26

If it was meant to be, you wouldn't need to keep having breaks.

Testina · 22/01/2023 23:34

“we both have issues from past relationships which sometimes affects us now such as trust and opening up to each other, and sometimes it just gets overwhelming for both of us”

That just sounds tedious.
Either it’s therapy level - in which, both separately commit to that and stay out of pissing people about in on/off relationships until you have - or it’s not, in which case stop being so dramatic, the pair of you.

Relationships should be fixed from within. On/off “we were on a break” stuff is ridiculous.

NotABeliever · 22/01/2023 23:35

Usergjdksndjsn · 22/01/2023 22:43

Are you rachel?

if you’re not teenagers YABU for having a relationship where you say ‘on our latest break’
be over or don’t be over. Pick one.
if you can’t forgive him, which is a reasonable position, then that’s your decision made.
i don’t see why it matters if other people would count it ‘technically as cheating’
do you feel ok with it? No. Can you forgive it? No.
theres your answer

Agree with this. It doesn't matter what other people think. If it feels wrong to you, then it is wrong and you're better off without him.

Besides it sounds like the relationship was complicated and unhappy even before the alleged infidelity.

Might you both be addicted to the drama and have a code pendent toxic type of relationship?

SwishSwishBisch · 22/01/2023 23:38

On/off relationship was enough for me to decide YABU, irrespective of him sleeping with this other woman.
just end it and look for a healthier relationship. This one is clearly doomed

Catcharolo · 22/01/2023 23:41

Well if the ‘rules’ matter to you, then I guess you are being unreasonable as of course, if you are on a break then you are free to sleep with others.

But for me, I would just be put off by the fact that that person wanted to sleep with someone else. I would have hoped that the person in question wouldn’t be quite so keen to jump into bed with someone else.

So yes I would end it - not because they’ve broken anY rules but because they probably weren’t that keen on me on the first place.

Johnisafckface · 23/01/2023 00:46

On and off relationships are no good. I was in one for over ten years. I never got up set when he slept with someone else as I didn’t really see us as committed to each other.

beepbeepme · 23/01/2023 01:15

I don't understand why some people feel the need to come in a thread like this and post things like "oh the drama" etc. The OP is clearly troubled by this and asking for advice, not judgement. I've been in a similar situation and the way I handled my relationship might not have been the same as others would due to being ND, that doesn't mean it is immature or any less difficult to cope with.
For the record, however, I believe if you're on a break, it is ok to see someone else.

MrsMikeDrop · 23/01/2023 01:16

Usergjdksndjsn · 22/01/2023 22:43

Are you rachel?

if you’re not teenagers YABU for having a relationship where you say ‘on our latest break’
be over or don’t be over. Pick one.
if you can’t forgive him, which is a reasonable position, then that’s your decision made.
i don’t see why it matters if other people would count it ‘technically as cheating’
do you feel ok with it? No. Can you forgive it? No.
theres your answer

This. Why are you on a break. Just break up. Or don't.
If you were on break, then it's not cheating unless you were on a break with the intention to get back together. It just sounds like a mess, so probably better to break up

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