Sick of father - aibu?

[Jj202]

Just had a big row with my 70yo father - I'm 35f, DH is 38.

Father is 'off' with me for a few days (we email daily). Due to visit him and mother tonight, day before DH starts new job (they both live nearby, we see them 2 days a week) and get 'secret' email from mother few hours before saying father is angry at me and I've hurt his feelings and just to apologise and not say anything more so he backs down and feels better.
This annoys me. I ring father to ask what is up in hopes to avoid in person row - get told I've snapped at him 3 times over last few weeks and hurt his feelings. I have been moody at times admittedly and I apologise though admittedly grudgingly.
After about 20 times apologising father tells me he won't accept my apology. I get pissed. He tells me he wants to cut contact with me and only see me at his house from now on for one day of week, not 2 because he dreads seeing me, and gets no enjoyment from it, though says I'm better round his so should still visit that eve, especially as he wants his hair cut.
I say go to a hairdresser instead and if he wants to cut contact that's really hurtful but ok - he says he's glad he raised it cos not seeing me anymore will be like a holiday for him.
I hang up then call back a bit later to agree not to meet any time soon.
Hour later get some kinda passive aggressive email forwarding an old email with no message when he was nice to me?

Parents are pretty good overall and I admit I can be snappy though it's due to stress and taking it out on this closest so, long rant over, AIBU waiting for an apology for saying he doesn't want to see me, it'll be like a holiday for him and so on, before contacting them again?

YABU.
You admit yourself you’ve been moody at times…only apologised grudgingly…and can be snappy, would you want to spend time with someone who behaved in that way? That is no way to treat people. It’s not surprising he doesn’t want to see you, he’s probably sick of being treated like that.

People really can only take so much.
I think it’s you who needs give a heartfelt apology tbh.

only you know how moody you have been and what you’ve snapped at.

Even if you do owe an apology, I find your DFs behaviour rather immature. Does your mother usually have to intercede between other people and your father? And why does her email have to be secret? Does he need a lot of placating?

Im a mother to an adult Dd. I cannot imagine not accepting an apology over something as trivial as, and it really is, being snapped at three times.

Because your apology wasn’t ‘good’ he then doles out a suitable punishment and cuts down your visitation from two visits a week, and throws in a few insults as well. It all sounds so petty and juvenile.

Can you imagine having this sort situation with other people, your husband?

Sorry op, but I wonder where you've 'learned how to interact with people like that then...
As in, he sounds snappy and demanding so no wonder that's how you seem to have been shown its how to behave!

Sounds like a weird relationship between you and your parents. I'd just take a break from them, no contact at all, let them recover and come back to you when they're ready.

Personally I'd reflect on my behaviour if I were you. It's not fair to be snappy with him.

You're busy and I'm sure have lots going on in your life, I'm guessing your dad perhaps isn't as busy therefore your interactions will have a bigger impact on him. He's clearly hurt.

Fwiw I'd visit, give him a hug, say you're sorry and be more mindful of your attitude with him. Life it too short!

There has to be a whole lot more to this. All the people that go L or NC... I can't imagine anyone doing it because you've been rude 3 times?

He should have accepted the apology and moved on. Saying he wants to cut contact down to minimal levels because you snapped at him is ridiculous. Mind you he still wanted you to visit that night just because he wanted his hair cut!!!!! Is there something more going on with him?

I think I’d take a week or two and let things cool down, then reassess. He doesn’t have to accept you being snappy with him, that’s a reasonable boundary. You don’t have to accept him being petty and spiteful, another reasonable boundary.

A couple of weeks for both of you may allow some decent communication.

Thank you all very much for your comments on this. I'm trying to see both sides but there is a background to all of it...
The haircut - my dad rarely goes out and has no friends. He has anxiety and before that has had agoraphobia which is less bad now. He has had a pretty crap life in many ways. He retired in crap circumstances. He helped my husband and I by lending us a deposit which we've just paid off but he's in a council house and can't get a house and is unhappy about this. I have expressed how grateful we are (we just finished paying off the deposit) but he doesn't believe me at the moment because I snapped at him a few times.

He is overall a pretty good dad but he is, I would say, hypersensitive to perceived slights. He has an issue with my husband which roots back to my husband insensitively winning every family game we played when I first met my husband and he'd visit my parents when my husband was 19.

He is the only person in the family who starts arguments and they tend to be round events for some reason - eg I just got my PhD, my husband just got a new job, my mum has just resigned. We are a small pretty insular family - just the 4 of us.
We spend events together and go on holidays. My husband is the only one who drives. I usually sort events and family plans. It's nice overall but my husband and I do feel like we constantly have to be super sensitive/walk on eggshells. My dad tends to sulk for a few days and communicate strangely then 'blow up' while maintaining he's perfect and never apologising.
The last few arguments have been:
We didn't spend the day time of his 60th with him - going out for a meal in the evening wasn't adequate... He doesn't enjoy time with us... My husband wins too often... But mostly are about things we've said that we haven't really thought twice about that are apparently very offensive and we must acquiesce and never disagree that he is right.

In the argument last night he told me I should know my place as he is the parent - he's previously said he wants power and is head of the family, all he wants is respect and so on. My husband has been called a twat by him in the past, I've been told I'm 'tricksy'(?), have no empathy, am insensitive, and so on. The argument last night included "and of course (DH) had to have an opinion and make his comment". The three snapping offences were - 1) he told me about a theory that men commit domestic violence because women have less power - I said but does that mean that women have less status? That was apparently me implying he is misogynistic because he dared to talk about something he'd read, 2) he said he'd never had chickenpox and my DH and I said he thought it was unlikely, and 3) he asked whether I'm busy at my job and I asked why he asked. In 1 and 2 he looked up the info and bookmarked the theory he'd read and the stats about chickenpox to quote back to me.

Sorry this is so long - I just feel very alone with this. I want to be kind but I also think is this a fair way to be treated, and to tell me he wants to cut our time together in half is hurtful. Though I don't really feel like seeing him at the moment. He's not all bad and can be a very good dad, as I say, including being kind to my DH. I highly doubt this will ever be resolved without me saying I'm in the wrong. I appreciate any input at all!

So he told you he'd never had chicken pox, why would you AND your husband essentially call him a liar? He then said he'd read domestic violence is incorrectly linked to women having less power -this is true! So he was just starting a fact about something he'd read and you have to try and trip him up/argue it. Then he thinks of I'll just ask about her, might go better, also if you're busy at work, this is perfectly polite normal conversation. You then respond by asking why he is asking.

He's right. You're difficult.

*inherently not incorrectly

Thank you for all the comments, they are very much appreciated - it is so nice to have an outsider perspective.
The thing is with my dad things have underlying meanings that we're all meant to just be able to guess - or be reminded that we haven't guessed what's in his mind/that he's taken massive offence to something that was said weeks or even sometimes years ago - never brought up at the time. Sometimes he demands apologies and says he accepts them then brings it up again years later. If we bring up that we've been hurt we are told we are not sufficiently apologising.

At the moment I'm getting passive aggressive cold emails eg brief sentences either mimicking what I said previously or in a tone you'd use in a cold business setting.
I don't want to argue or rise to it. I sent a similarly polite but formal email back to one and had a similar response which also copied words I had used (he mimicks the words I use on purpose I believe to get a rise out of me)
I'm just thinking don't respond nor contact him in response now - AIBU?
I genuinely really appreciate any responses.

Honestly, just cut contact for a week or so. You are going in circles and it sounds tit for that. No resolution will come out of sarcy emails. Would be interesting to hear what you're mum thinks?

Thank you!
My mum advises me he is hurt so just agree with whatever he says, apologise and don't get emotionally involved then he'll calm down. Also to not tell him she'd spoken to me because he won't talk to her again.

She also tells me he wants to be seen to have power and be head of the family, and that he is destructive, and you know how he gets, sorry etc. I also sometimes get "he is your dad".

Since the argument she emailed me just to say hope I'm ok and this problem can be resolved soon.

Thank you again

I agree with PP. Drop all communication for a couple of weeks to allow cooling down. Don't respond to any more emails .......

He sounds like a right power mad little drama Queen. I really couldn’t be arsed to dance around him to be honest.

Right you need to separate some stuff out.

Show him it doesn't matter who wins and who is right.
Stop contradicting and arguing.

He's not going to change who he is, you have to change how you deal with it.

Say you are sorry that we've had a falling out, you don't care who's right, you just want to be able to meet up for a nice chat like we always do.

Then, whatever you do, don't argue. It just isn't worth it.

Whether he is right or you are, what matters is being able to get along.

If he says it's been a really warm winter, say 'do you think so? I can't wait to have a holiday'. If he says the sky is a weird shade of purple, comment on how pretty it is.

You don't need to agree, just change the subject.

He sounds disappointed with his life and he’s taking it out on you. I’m not surprised you’re ‘snappy’. Enjoy a break from him.

Give yourself a rest from him & your enabler Mum.

Am I the only one who thinks it's hilarious that he said 'he dreads seeing me, and gets no enjoyment from it, though says I'm better round his so should still visit that eve, especially as he wants his hair cut'? As OP says, let him go to a hairdresser. For me, that's the polite version.😛

I suspect this is how family fallouts happen, neither giving way to the other and both being stubborn. He does sound like he has problems and you being an only child means all focus is on you, he has no other children for comparison or receives any feedback on his behaviour other than yours.

I have seen in my own family and others that the former “man of the house” can get nasty or argumentative when they start to “lose control”. That may be losing physical strength or power in the home or seeing younger members of the family succeeding where they have failed, earning more money or taking on the DIY that they used to do well but not so much now.

Is is impossible to have a rational conversation with him? tell him you love him and appreciate what he does but sometimes you find his behaviour difficult? Be the higher person
and agree to disagree? I hate to suggest it but so you both have similar personalities?

Honestly, I wouldn’t be able to handle someone demanding to be seen as head of my household, or who demanded control and respect. Nope.

No wonder he has a problem with your husband! Your father is a misogynist who thinks men run the family, and therefore it’s your husband’s fault he’s not being revered and obeyed as he believes his due.

I don’t know that I’d be able to keep my mouth shut about any of that.

“You quit being an authority figure when I became an adult. You aren’t the head of my household and never will be. You have zero control over our decisions, and aren’t on the radar when we make them.”

But patience with family dictators isn’t my forte.

I wouldn’t be pandering to this.

In my family we often have heated debates about politics etc, but it’s accepted that once the conversation is over we’re done, and nobody bears grudges.

He can’t toss out spurious ‘facts’ and expect everyone to agree just because he has deemed himself head of the household.

I’d do as he’s asked and limit your contact until things have calmed down.

Interesting...I see this very differently. The remark around DV I'd see as a conversation starter, certainly no argument, kind of 'power v status' - discuss. The chickenpox remark I'd read as "Really? Are you sure? That would be very unusual". I wouldn't take it an an accusation of lying. I'd either reply "No, definitely never had it because I remember my mum/doctor saying...." or "I'm pretty sure I didn't as I don't remember..."

We haven't got much to go on but the remark about being head of the family is telling. This man sounds like his world is very small.He's looking to OP to boost his confidence and make him feel powerful. He's threatened by her husband (because he beat him at Monopoly). Maybe she did snap. Maybe she was a bit grumpy. She's apologised, but father's trying to exert his power by saying you'll see me when I say (and cut my hair/do as I say) and OPs saying, no that's not how it works.
This isn't about snapping or haircuts. He cant stand the challenging, normal conversations between two equal adults. He feels as her father shr should automatically defer to him and she doesnt (bet mum does).This is about a man who longs to be an Alpha but is in fact an Epsilon and he's raging against the world...or HIS world....that has very few people in it.

Why do you see your parents so often AND email everyday (don't you have phones btw).

Just stop seeing them so often! Surely once or twice a month is fine. Your lives are unhealthily enmeshed. Time to cut the apron strings.

Work on your stress levels too OP. Spend some of this time you have been too wrapped up in your parents on a creative hobby or physical exercise or something? It all sounds toxic and miserable but you are a part of it.

My dad was like this. Wouldn’t back down. Had to be the boss (“Whose name is on that TV?” when he wanted to watch his programme but the rest of the family were in the middle of watching something else), fell out with anyone who was as stubborn as him. (TV-related again! Fell out with a friend because she was telling him about the new TV she was buying, and he didn’t think she needed a new TV. 🤷🏻‍♀️)

I learned to manage my reactions to him. Especially after he threw an empty wine bottle at me for daring to contradict him. It’s hard, but the easiest thing to do is stop arguing, stop challenging. The grief just isn’t worth it.