Taking your children on a first date

[ItchyChicken]

I honestly feel like I’m going mad.

Me and exP have been separated for just over a year. We have two DDs together 4 & 7. The split was amicable and DDs are with us 50/50, half the week each and every other weekend.

The last weekend he had DDs, they mentioned that they’d met with a lady that exP hadn’t met before, I mentioned it to him when he popped round and he said it was someone he’d met online, and they’d both travelled an hour and a half to meet up. I didn’t say anything at the time as I was still processing. After a bit of thought, I decided to let it slide, it was in the past, it was during the day, so not romantic and what’s wrong with him taking his kids to meet a friend (which is how he would’ve thought of it).

He dropped DDs off this evening, and we were having cuppa and a chat about DDs and school and I mentioned that I thought it was a little weird, and he said that they’d met her and her children yesterday!

I’ve told him that this is a hard red line for me, and I don’t feel comfortable with my DDs being introduced to someone so early, but he genuinely doesn’t see what my problem is! I asked him if he would be happy to take his DPs to meet her and he didn’t think that was appropriate, but didn’t seem to think that an introduction to parents would even equal meeting his DDs.

He really doesn’t seem to think that this is an issue, and I’ve started doubting myself, and thinking that I’ve made a mountain out of a molehill!

Apparently not being able to see her with the children would mean the relationship is going nowhere, even though I pointed out that he has 50% of the week to see her and even offered to have DDs extra days if that made it easier.

His complete refusal to accept that it isn’t appropriate has got me completely questioning myself. He’s a really normal nice guy with no agenda and I’m just trying to work out if I’m the weird one!

TLDR: is it right to take your children on a first and second date with someone you met online?

Speaking as a child of divorce, with a DF who has always been inexplicably keen to introduce me to prospective partners very early on in the relationship, I can confidently say that YANBU at all.

Yep people are weird, I was told I could do “garden dates” in the evening when my kids are in bed, I mean come on I wouldn’t even invite a stranger to my house if I didn’t have kids! So those that think it’s just men that do this are wrong.

It's a huge leap to go from meeting for a coffee at the park to moving in and new step dad. I don't see anything wrong with a park meeting and coffee? But I'm not sure this is what happened for the op.

I think it was a dog walk and pub drink the first time, don’t want to push DDs too much about the first or second meet up because I could be the one making it into a ‘thing’.

From a mum myself and a step mum to two DSC, I do not see this as ok whatsoever. I find it odd that the woman is ok with it too. Would make me question what her motives are and why she'd be interested in that so early on!

No not 'first date' for sure or even second. However I don't hold with complete lack of interaction with DC for months on end like the MN trope.

The way a potential partner behaves towards a date/potential OH without children and with children is VASTLY different. I would not want to spend 6-9 months with someone who was 'the perfect man' only to find that he did not understand that he does not have my undivided attention when I am with my children. 'Coupledom' is one thing. Partners children are a whole different ball game.

I am not talking about moving in the week after you meet. I am advocating casual meet-ups , (park, walk, bowling , swimming etc ) at 6-8 weeks , moving to dinner (not sleep over) every couple of weeks (to gauge behaviour 'at home' between potential partner and kids) for the next few months if all goes well. Increasing this in frequency based on children's happiness with the situation.

This is what we did. He has 4 and I have 3. They were 3,4,4,6,9,9 &11. They are now 29, 27,27,24,22,22 & 21. We are still married, some live away, some at Uni but we are all still talking ..and enjoying each other's company.

Your ex P and the woman he’s met are both displaying a shocking lack of boundaries and concern for the kids.

He may be starry eyed and think he’s on to a LTR but there’s no way of knowing that after 2 dates.

An acquaintance had form for this, bringing kids on first/all dates as a ‘love me, love my kid’ which resulted in a very young vulnerable child seeing many of mummy’s friends come and go in a very short space of time.
It was only when she met her current partner, who made it clear he wasn’t comfortable with that level of access to her child or life before they really knew each, other that it stopped.

With his help she saw that in her desperation to recreate a family model she was actually setting her child up for a lifetime of dysfunctional relationships and went to therapy.

Your DP needs to stop thinking of his own needs and put your kids first.

I think the consensus is that it's not really appropriate. But as PP's have said there's not much I can do about it if he doesn't see the inappropriateness of it.

I could be throwing a hand grenade here, but what is your relationship like with your MIL? How do you think she would feel about him taking her GC out on first dates with women he's met online?

If he won't listen to you, maybe he'll listen to her...

Absolutely mental if you ask me.

I was single for 6 years. DD is at her dads 2 nights a week (one mode week and one weekend). Made meeting someone and going on dates difficult but I didn't for a second consider taking Dd along.

She finally met my bf after a year of dating and even then that was a massive step for me