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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking your children on a first date

60 replies

ItchyChicken · 22/01/2023 20:05

I honestly feel like I’m going mad.

Me and exP have been separated for just over a year. We have two DDs together 4 & 7. The split was amicable and DDs are with us 50/50, half the week each and every other weekend.

The last weekend he had DDs, they mentioned that they’d met with a lady that exP hadn’t met before, I mentioned it to him when he popped round and he said it was someone he’d met online, and they’d both travelled an hour and a half to meet up. I didn’t say anything at the time as I was still processing. After a bit of thought, I decided to let it slide, it was in the past, it was during the day, so not romantic and what’s wrong with him taking his kids to meet a friend (which is how he would’ve thought of it).

He dropped DDs off this evening, and we were having cuppa and a chat about DDs and school and I mentioned that I thought it was a little weird, and he said that they’d met her and her children yesterday!

I’ve told him that this is a hard red line for me, and I don’t feel comfortable with my DDs being introduced to someone so early, but he genuinely doesn’t see what my problem is! I asked him if he would be happy to take his DPs to meet her and he didn’t think that was appropriate, but didn’t seem to think that an introduction to parents would even equal meeting his DDs.

He really doesn’t seem to think that this is an issue, and I’ve started doubting myself, and thinking that I’ve made a mountain out of a molehill!

Apparently not being able to see her with the children would mean the relationship is going nowhere, even though I pointed out that he has 50% of the week to see her and even offered to have DDs extra days if that made it easier.

His complete refusal to accept that it isn’t appropriate has got me completely questioning myself. He’s a really normal nice guy with no agenda and I’m just trying to work out if I’m the weird one!

TLDR: is it right to take your children on a first and second date with someone you met online?

OP posts:
LottoLaura · 22/01/2023 20:38

Ludo19 · 22/01/2023 20:37

@LottoLaura didn't think it was posting stupid shit expecting to have kids to be in a safe situation. If you'd be happy letting your kids meet a succession of randomers then you do you.

Again with the stupid shit

No one has said this is ok, but there is a big difference between something being shit and being something the OP can actually do anything about.

it’s a shame you don’t understand the basics of how life works

Zanatdy · 22/01/2023 20:38

SpinningFloppa · 22/01/2023 20:29

I’m on many single parents groups on Facebook and loads of women think it’s ok to bring their kids on dates, I was posting how I can’t date because I’m with my kids 24/7 and was told I could meet men in the park (from old) with my kids because “it’s no different from meeting a friend” and apparently they could bring their kids too and ours can play! 🤦🏻😣

Yeah same, maybe we are in the same groups! I mean when my kids were younger and needed babysitters (teens now) I didn’t date because I have no family nearby and no babysitters. I wouldn’t have dreamed of taking them to meet some bloke I’d met online dating. Some of these women invite these men round to their houses too as they can’t get a babysitter. I get that it’s hard to date when your kids are little but not for me taking kids on dates and having men move in within 2 months. Absolutely not

Original poster
ItchyChicken · 22/01/2023 20:39

I know he’s completely within his rights to introduce our DDs to anyone, and I’m sure he’s doing it in an appropriate way, he’s actually a nice guy! If I met someone, I don’t think it would be right to introduce them to DDs for quite a while, which is why it’s making me feel a mixture of angry/weird.

OP posts:
Ludo19 · 22/01/2023 20:39

@LottoLaura I understand perfectly well. Being from divorced parents so I do know how it works thanks.

sleepingdragon · 22/01/2023 20:39

I think its one thing the children meeting a potential partner early on as a one off, but another thing completly for them to start seeing them reguarly/ /the new partner to step into a parenting role too early. There is loads of information online about the issues with it. Do you think your ex would be receptive if you send some info his way?

LottoLaura · 22/01/2023 20:40

Ludo19 · 22/01/2023 20:39

@LottoLaura I understand perfectly well. Being from divorced parents so I do know how it works thanks.

Then why did you think the OP could stop this happening?

Ludo19 · 22/01/2023 20:41

@LottoLaura could she not have a discussion with her ex? Could she maybe air her misgivings? I worded it wrongly by saying "allow" sure.

Suprima · 22/01/2023 20:41

It’s awful.

I wouldn’t want any of these no boundaries, insecure desperados around my kids either

any woman who would go on a date in this circumstance and think the bloke was a-ok needs serious therapy

ClockingTime · 22/01/2023 20:42

If I met a bloke for a first date and he turned up with kids, I'd be running for the hills.
Maybe she'll do the same.

Original poster
ItchyChicken · 22/01/2023 20:43

ClockingTime · 22/01/2023 20:42

If I met a bloke for a first date and he turned up with kids, I'd be running for the hills.
Maybe she'll do the same.

That was my first thought!

OP posts:
Original poster
ItchyChicken · 22/01/2023 20:46

Ludo19 · 22/01/2023 20:41

@LottoLaura could she not have a discussion with her ex? Could she maybe air her misgivings? I worded it wrongly by saying "allow" sure.

We did have a discussion about it, and I aired my misgivings! He couldn’t understand my misgivings at all, so it made me doubt whether I was being reasonable or not!

OP posts:
Ludo19 · 22/01/2023 20:47

@ItchyChicken I'd try again. Are you close to you MIL? Get her to have a word

Original poster
ItchyChicken · 22/01/2023 20:55

Ludo19 · 22/01/2023 20:47

@ItchyChicken I'd try again. Are you close to you MIL? Get her to have a word

I am fairly close to her, but she’s 80 and it really wouldn’t be appropriate to raise it with her. They are are very catholic family, and it took a lot for them to accept me and exP having children outside of marriage so I wouldn’t want to damage the relationship we still have. Might be worth having a chat with one of his sisters that I’m still close with!

OP posts:
ChampagneBlossom44 · 22/01/2023 20:56

Might not be a popular opinion but I’d bet my arse this is him doing a ‘look at me, I’m such a great dad, MY KIDS COME FIRST, my babies are MY WORLD, we come as a PACKAGE’ and a weird little way to have something to endear him to this woman. If my husband had turned up with kids in tow on first date there wouldn’t have been a second one, but who knows what this woman’s circumstances are, if this is somehow normal to her. I hope he’s not portraying himself as a full time single dad to get his end away. I know a few separated fathers & some of them are fantastic, others will bleat on about their kids being their universe all over socials despite paying sod all maintenance & enlisting their own mums help babysitting on their every other Friday night visitation. But to look at them on Facebook they’re devoted dads & the comments under their social media posts are full of ❤️ from young women who think they’re amazing

Ludo19 · 22/01/2023 20:59

@ItchyChicken that's a good idea. It'll be better probably coming from his sister. Good luck

Original poster
ItchyChicken · 22/01/2023 20:59

I’ve had a chat (rant) with my Dsis, and she pointed out that he might’ve been on the defence when we talked about it. Hopefully he’ll think about it with a bit of space, and maybe see it with a bit of clarity!

OP posts:
ChannelLightVessel · 22/01/2023 21:00

I had to do a compulsory post-divorce parenting course (living in a US state at the time), and that recommended that DC shouldn’t meet a new DP until after you’d been dating for at least a year.

Cocobutt · 22/01/2023 21:00

YANBU!

Does he have social anxiety or anything?

I can’t think why he’d want to take the DCs if he has plenty of time without them.

Unless he’s trying to show her what a good dad he is or told her that he’s a single parent or some BS.

My brother regularly meets up with women who bring their DCs which I don’t think is great but they are single parents so can’t be helped.

Your DH is choosing to bring them which I find so weird!

Original poster
ItchyChicken · 22/01/2023 21:05

ChampagneBlossom44 · 22/01/2023 20:56

Might not be a popular opinion but I’d bet my arse this is him doing a ‘look at me, I’m such a great dad, MY KIDS COME FIRST, my babies are MY WORLD, we come as a PACKAGE’ and a weird little way to have something to endear him to this woman. If my husband had turned up with kids in tow on first date there wouldn’t have been a second one, but who knows what this woman’s circumstances are, if this is somehow normal to her. I hope he’s not portraying himself as a full time single dad to get his end away. I know a few separated fathers & some of them are fantastic, others will bleat on about their kids being their universe all over socials despite paying sod all maintenance & enlisting their own mums help babysitting on their every other Friday night visitation. But to look at them on Facebook they’re devoted dads & the comments under their social media posts are full of ❤️ from young women who think they’re amazing

Honestly, he’s my exP for a reason, but he’s really a nice guy! I don’t think he has any agenda…the only ‘I’m a great guy’ social media posts I’ve seen are of his new puppy!

OP posts:
Original poster
ItchyChicken · 22/01/2023 21:09

He’s not socially anxious, but is quite anxious generally, so maybe that’s it.

OP posts:
Fenella123 · 22/01/2023 21:09

This may not be conscious on his part, but could he be really keen to audition for a new step mother? In which case obviously you want to eliminate asap anyone who doesn't get on with the kids.
He may not even realise he is doing it.

Or, and, he may just have given absolutely no thought to the low-level buzz of instability introduced into a child's life when they are constantly being introduced to their parents' new girlfriends and boyfriends. He may not have thought at all about what it's like to have new people come and go from your personal life ALL THE TIME.

If his own Mum or Dad were introducing him to a new flame every month he might have more empathy. Or maybe they DID do this and he's blind to the long-term effects it had on him & any siblings? He thinks it's totes normal?

If you can talk him through it in a non accusatory manner it's likely to go better. Easier said than done I know but still.

DarkShade · 22/01/2023 21:11

Totally inapproproate, quite aside from the safety aspect, doesn't he worry that they might get attached to someone who will suddenly dissapear from their lives? If it were me, I would have to date for at least a year. Also, why are the kids not cramping his style? I cannot imagine wanting to date with children in tow, it's a weird start to a relationship.

Original poster
ItchyChicken · 22/01/2023 21:12

My instinct hearing about it was that it was wrong, but he thought nothing of it! Just trying to gauge attitudes and work out if I’m being overprotective!

OP posts:
DoubleGauze · 22/01/2023 21:21

You're not being overprotective op. Exh used to bring mine on his dates when they were small , unfortunately there was nothing I could do about it.

They stopped seeing him when they were in their teens as they'd had enough of the steady flow of 'step mums' they had to endure. He had 5 days each week to do as he pleased but booked dates on contact days. It's bizarre behaviour IMHO.

Greyarea12 · 22/01/2023 21:35

Imagine turning up for a date and the guy had his kids there 😳... I would actually about turn and back out the door.

I think its a red flag, on both their parts. How weird that he sees this as normal and acceptable and she also sees it as normal and acceptable. Wonder if it isn't a first date and they have been dating for a while because that's the only thing that would make this whole scenario a bit normal. What's even worse is as your children grow older they will remember being taken to Daddy's first date with step Mummy num 1. (I'm sure there will be more to come going by this behaviour)