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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this make you uncomfortable?

64 replies

Izearle · 22/01/2023 19:31

I live with DH and our four teenagers. DS16 has been seeing a girl for around 9 months who regularly sleeps at our house, and him at hers (they’re together 6-7 nights a week so it’s pretty intense).

However, DS16 and his girlfriend have taken to visiting the bathroom together on a daily basis. One of them needs a pee? The other goes in too. Shower? Yep, the other one has to join.

AIBU to think this is totally inappropriate in a shared family home with six people, in a shared family bathroom? (DH doesn’t think so but it’s making at least two of us uncomfortable)

They even went to the disabled toilet together in a restaurant last week because DS apparently had to help her do her bodysuit back up…

(My family is very private/guarded whereas DHs are very open and free so I’m genuinely interested to hear what is normal!!)

OP posts:
PonyPatter44 · 22/01/2023 19:51

I'm a fat bap, and even i can do up my own bodysuit without help. If she can't dress herself adequately, she needs to wear different clothes!

6-7 nights together is far too intense for teenage relationships. When do they do sports, clubs, cadets, friends, etc?

LaLuz7 · 22/01/2023 19:51

They really really should not be spending 6-7 nights a week together. That's how grownup relationships work. They are horny kids playing house. At 16 they should be going out on dates and maybe sneaking in some sex when they have the opportunity. You should not be facilitating them living as an established couple under your roof and having all the sex they want in your house. They don't have the emotional maturity to deal with such a mature relationship. They simply don't. As evidenced by the codependency they are developing and their lack of boundaries towards eachother and towards you.

I would put my foot down.

Goodread1 · 22/01/2023 19:53

It sounds very Clingy Needy and unhealthy co dependant type of relationship

Do they actually have friends of their own and outside interests of their own?

At their age what are the chances they will be still together for the long term then?

If they split up they will feel like their whole 🌎 world has imploded, subsequently its going to be extremely difficult to get pass the heartache ect..

It's weird they need to share the toilet bathroom 🚽.

Is this just a excuse 🙄 to get up to mischief in plain sight so to speak,
They need to have more respect 🙏 for you and their family...

MrsMikeDrop · 22/01/2023 19:58

Way too intense, what do her parents think? Hmm

Ginger1982 · 22/01/2023 19:58

6/7 nights a week together? Sex in the communal family shower? Nope, sorry. I wouldn't be allowing that at 16.

Goodread1 · 22/01/2023 19:59

They are only in their mid teens , you need to put in some boundaries they will respect you for it in the long term,
There might be a bit/somewhat push back at first as they will not be used to this, but they will soon adapt to this new way of thinking...

They shouldn't be spending so much time together, sounds suffocating overwhelming intense 😳 really,
It's really not healthy,
even in grown up established relationships its healthy to have outside interests and friendships and healthy boundaries in place too.

LottoLaura · 22/01/2023 20:00

LaLuz7 · 22/01/2023 19:42

Not wanting you teen to have sex in communal areas while you're in the house is not about being open-minded and sex positive. It's about requesting basic decency and respect in your own house.

Show quote history

It’s the bathroom

Not the living room sofa

Hyppogriff · 22/01/2023 20:02

It’s inappropriate and disrespectful imo

LaLuz7 · 22/01/2023 20:05

LottoLaura · 22/01/2023 20:00

It’s the bathroom

Not the living room sofa

Show quote history

Do you understand what a communal area is? Are you fine with sex juices on your sink and on your shower? I guess you are...

Original poster
Izearle · 22/01/2023 20:06

Thanks for all the replies so far!

I agree that it’s a bit codependent and we have already had that chat with him. In one ear and out of the other though. He still sees his friends, but will go straight over to her house afterwards.

The bathroom thing isn’t sexual btw - the door is paper thin! They just go in and chat, so if one is showering the other will sit on the toilet and they they swap over. I still think it’s inappropriate though.

We also had the sex talk and they are doubled up on protection so hopefully we don’t have to worry about that (as long as it’s in their own private space and not a communal family area!!)

OP posts:
LaLuz7 · 22/01/2023 20:09

I agree that it’s a bit codependent and we have already had that chat with him. In one ear and out of the other though. He still sees his friends, but will go straight over to her house afterwards.

talking to him is obviously not going to do the trick. You're in charge, you can limit the time she is allowed to stay over and you can ask them not to do the bathroom thing as it makes you uncomfortable. Don't be afraid to set some boundaries. They're kids.

LottoLaura · 22/01/2023 20:10

LaLuz7 · 22/01/2023 20:05

Do you understand what a communal area is? Are you fine with sex juices on your sink and on your shower? I guess you are...

Show quote history

Why would there be sex juices? Are teens incapable of wiping a surface down?

although saying that my dad still has a sofa with some sex juices from me as a teen that I couldn’t get out so maybe they are incapable…

LaLuz7 · 22/01/2023 20:11

LottoLaura · 22/01/2023 20:10

Why would there be sex juices? Are teens incapable of wiping a surface down?

although saying that my dad still has a sofa with some sex juices from me as a teen that I couldn’t get out so maybe they are incapable…

Show quote history

Yes, cause teens are well known for tediously cleaning everything they touch...

LottoLaura · 22/01/2023 20:12

LaLuz7 · 22/01/2023 20:11

Yes, cause teens are well known for tediously cleaning everything they touch...

Show quote history

That’s why shower sex is the best option, cleans down for you!

Yeahrightthen · 22/01/2023 20:13

I would ban midweek sleepovers. Our ds is 18 and we've just done this - told him his gf can stay at weekends and that's it as the rest of us have to be up for work/school (they're both home from uni) and they talk into the wee hours and disturb us.

Luckily her dm is on the same page and has said the same.

The going to the bathroom together is just weird - unless its because it's the only room with a lock and it's to have sex - in which case I think it's a bit much! They're only 16 - it's unhealthy to spend every night together imo.

It's YOUR house OP - lay down some rules!

willingtolearn · 22/01/2023 20:17

I agree with @Yeahrightthen 6 days out of 7 is too much - they presumably have schoolwork to complete on weekdays.

The other people in your house need a break from the girlfriend - it's a different dynamic when there are people other than family members at home.

Original poster
Izearle · 22/01/2023 20:32

willingtolearn · 22/01/2023 20:17

I agree with @Yeahrightthen 6 days out of 7 is too much - they presumably have schoolwork to complete on weekdays.

The other people in your house need a break from the girlfriend - it's a different dynamic when there are people other than family members at home.

They both have very little college work to do. They are only in college two days per week which gives them a lot of free time, but they both also have part time jobs.

I get the change in dynamic thing too, although most of the time they’re just in his room so we don’t even notice her being here. And they’re always quiet when we want to sleep (house rule is no noise from bedrooms after 11pm)

OP posts:
JustDrama · 22/01/2023 20:33

So for example the GF brings her school uniform over to yours and goes to school from your house?

Kids are growing up too fast. I agree no sleep overs on school nights at the very least. Personally at 16 it wouldn't be happening at all under my roof.

ClockingTime · 22/01/2023 20:38

Maybe they've discovered water sports.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 22/01/2023 20:45

Imo as the family home it should feel like one. Your ds doesn't seem very respectful..

Ludo19 · 22/01/2023 20:46

PollyAmour · 22/01/2023 19:35

They watch each other pee? He helps her do up her bodysuit?

Whatever happened to teenage romance?

This

Zanatdy · 22/01/2023 20:49

At 16 I wouldn’t be allowing my son’s GF to stay over so often. He should be out with his mates, doing hobbies and not glued to a girl who won’t be around long term. I allowed my son’s GF to stay over recently as they are 18 and at Uni together. Before then it would have been a no, and only now as she doesn’t live nearby. A local gf at 16 should really just be coming over for visits, not practically living together and not even any privacy going in the shower. I wouldn’t be comfortable with my daughter seeing them coming out of the bathroom together either.

Mountlea · 22/01/2023 20:50

Eugh I had a really clingy teenage boyfriend who used to do this. Nothing sexual but he asked to join me every single time I had a bath or shower, wanted to spend every night with me and followed me to the toilet whenever we went out for a meal or a night out. I’ve no advice if they’re both happy with it, just wanted to confirm that it’s not always a sexual thing😂

Original poster
Izearle · 22/01/2023 20:53

ClockingTime · 22/01/2023 20:38

Maybe they've discovered water sports.

Nice, thanks 😂

OP posts:
Blessedbethefruitz · 22/01/2023 20:58

Hmm. Some people do innocently keep each other company in the toilet I know, although usually not teenagers! Even going for my first post partum poop I informed dh to listen out for shouts for help, but firmly closed that door lol. Only people allowed in the toilet with me are the kids (4 and 1), partly to normalise, partly due to clinginess...

That's way too many sleepovers for students of that age imo. Is it a first relationship? I can't imagine being that chill as a parent!