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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why friend was heartbroken?

55 replies

SpinningOutWaitinForYa · 22/01/2023 18:12

Prefacing this by saying Im waiting on an autism assessment, so this may be why I'm baffled.

My friend invited my daughter, 10, away for an overnight stay at a UK resort with her two children and another friend from school. She would have been paying for it all and likely much extra costs whilst there, aside from spending money I'd have sent. She would have been offended if I gave any money towards it. She also said I could come if I wanted to but wasn't clear if my two DS' were also invited. I've known said friend for 11 years, our daughters have grown up together.

Friend really struggles with money, is disabled and a single parent, but had received some backpay and wanted to use it to treat the children. I said no thank you and she left it. However the other night when she had a glass of wine she told me she was heartbroken when i said no, and that it was like a stab in the heart to her. I laughed thinking she was joking and she said she wasn't.

I'm still a bit confused...why was I expected to agree? Is it not my choice as a parent and a person to say no? It was a lovely offer, but I felt uncomfortable about it. I now feel slightly irritated because I've been made to feel bad about something because I "should" have said yes.

I understand her angle to a degree, but not the extent of the upset? Its rattling around in my mind because I don't quite get it. Any insight appreciated!

OP posts:
Wavescrashingonthebeach · 22/01/2023 18:14

She's being a bit dramatic. You don't have to agree to anything.

siroodlesofnoodles · 22/01/2023 18:15

No, I'm not sure why she's heartbroken.

Quite frankly I'd have been thrilled. I always have to offer to reciprocate play dates and I hate it.. but realise that it's only polite. Blush

Love when the kids can't make it. Ticks the "at least I offered" box.

notacooldad · 22/01/2023 18:16

Maybe she thought that you thought she wasnt capable of looking after your child. Perhaps you made her untrustworthy.

JibbaJam · 22/01/2023 18:17

Her asking if you'd like to come was probably a (too) subtle way of her asking you to help.

Taking 4 children away on holiday is a lot of work, let alone when 2 of them aren't yours and you're both disabled and the only adult.

She should have been clearer but I imagine that's why. You're happy enough to let he leave spend her money on treating your DC ti a holiday but then actually said you didn't want to go with her.

Comedycook · 22/01/2023 18:17

I think it depends on how you said no. I'd have softened it by saying how sweet it was of her to offer and explaining it's nothing personal why you have rejected her suggestion and have thanked her for the kind offe. Did you do that?

Ludo19 · 22/01/2023 18:18

She's being dramatic. Don't second guess it, I'm not autistic and I think it's a stretch to believe she was "heartbroken"

almondflake · 22/01/2023 18:18

Her reaction it a bit dramatic really , I suppose she is entitled to feel heartbroken but it's your choice as a parent to refuse the offer especially if it felt a bit off .
Don't let her make you feel guilty in refusing though you've done nothing wrong .

Chasingdopamine · 22/01/2023 18:19

Why didn’t you just ask her?

Datafan55 · 22/01/2023 18:19

Simply, because she finally had a little money, and thought how lovely it would be to treat you/your child. Probably mentally planned it all, picked the location, what fun activities they could have when there. Then not wanted.

Also might not be clear why you turned her down (PP mentions mistrust).

Original poster
SpinningOutWaitinForYa · 22/01/2023 18:20

notacooldad · 22/01/2023 18:16

Maybe she thought that you thought she wasnt capable of looking after your child. Perhaps you made her untrustworthy.

This is unlikely as she's had my children for tea, sleepovers, etc before. So she knows I trust her, she's the only person I have actually trusted to do any of that with my children.

OP posts:
Datafan55 · 22/01/2023 18:26

(what I'm edging towards is)
Her top priority for her extra money is her kids and their friends, one of whom is the child of a good friend.
Then her generousity is not accepted.
(projecting madly) This is the sort of situation that can highlight how different friends regard each other as important/less important.

Silvers11 · 22/01/2023 18:28

@SpinningOutWaitinForYa So did you let your daughter go - or did you say 'no' for both of you? It's not clear from what you said?

Original poster
SpinningOutWaitinForYa · 22/01/2023 18:33

Chasingdopamine · 22/01/2023 18:19

Why didn’t you just ask her?

I did, but it's a little hazy from alcohol and I darent bring it up again. I remember her saying I'm allowed to be generous with her but not vice versa. This is because I booked a holiday abroad for just us two, but we didn't even go in the end due to the money I was meant to have for it not transpiring. I also have never, and would never, be upset if she said no? I just don't get that bit as I see it as a person's right to say no 🤷🏻‍♀️ saying yes out of obligation is awful to me.

I should say she is a very generous person all year round. Big piles of gifts on occasions and small gifts all the time, pretty much weekly on average, plus things like hosting house parties, etc and not accepting any help towards it. All of that pushes me way past my comfort zone but I accept it as her way of showing love. For me, I feel guilty and incredibly "lacking" being on the receiving end as that is just not how I operate. I feel all the time like I just reciprocate but I just can't afford to nor could I think of things to give all the time.

I guess it's just a difference in personalities?

OP posts:
Original poster
SpinningOutWaitinForYa · 22/01/2023 18:34

I need to reciprocate*

OP posts:
Original poster
SpinningOutWaitinForYa · 22/01/2023 18:36

Silvers11 · 22/01/2023 18:28

@SpinningOutWaitinForYa So did you let your daughter go - or did you say 'no' for both of you? It's not clear from what you said?

No for both of us

OP posts:
Original poster
SpinningOutWaitinForYa · 22/01/2023 18:39

Datafan55 · 22/01/2023 18:26

(what I'm edging towards is)
Her top priority for her extra money is her kids and their friends, one of whom is the child of a good friend.
Then her generousity is not accepted.
(projecting madly) This is the sort of situation that can highlight how different friends regard each other as important/less important.

Sorry i don't understand this? Could you elaborate? She's pretty much my only proper friend, so I can't understand why she would think it means I don't see her importance. Apologies if I've misunderstood you

OP posts:
quinceh · 22/01/2023 18:40

Sounds a bit dramatic of her and I wouldn’t bring it up again. However maybe consider accepting her generosity another time. Not because she was ‘heartbroken’ but because you can see how genuine the offer wasps

quinceh · 22/01/2023 18:40

was 😀

Topseyt123 · 22/01/2023 18:42

Heartbroken!! Is she serious? Is she always so dramatic?

I wouldn't give it any more headspace.

Original poster
SpinningOutWaitinForYa · 22/01/2023 18:43

I don't know if its relevant but I should add that we did actually go. I felt guilty for my daughter not going as she came out of school upset about it, so on a whim I decided very, very last minute to go on the night they did and we stayed on the resort in a different place.

OP posts:
BananaSpanner · 22/01/2023 18:44

Eh, so you turned them down and then went without them?

Also, from how you describe her she doesn’t struggle with money. Or if she does it is because she is spending beyond her means.

gettingolderandgrumpier · 22/01/2023 18:45

Heartbroken is dramatic, upset /annoyed/ offended maybe but even so like you said you are allowed to say no but heartbroken. You’re heartbroken when someone dies you’re not heartbroken when someone declines an invite. She either isn’t very good at articulating her emotions or she loves the drama .I couldn’t be arsed with that tbh .

HarlanPepper · 22/01/2023 18:45

Why don't you speak to your friend about this? If she's your only friend in the world surely her feelings matter to you, and if there's any understanding, you'd want that to be smoothed over? Yes, on the surface of it, I don't understand why she would be heartbroken either, but then I have never met her.

cleanitup · 22/01/2023 18:45

SpinningOutWaitinForYa · 22/01/2023 18:43

I don't know if its relevant but I should add that we did actually go. I felt guilty for my daughter not going as she came out of school upset about it, so on a whim I decided very, very last minute to go on the night they did and we stayed on the resort in a different place.

This is what has pissed her off.

Quinoawoman · 22/01/2023 18:45

Ah okay, that is a bit clearer. It wasn't that you said no, it was that you said no, then went anyway without accepting her offer, which probably made her feel unappreciated.

Read up on 'love languages'.