To not understand why friend was heartbroken?

[SpinningOutWaitinForYa]

Prefacing this by saying Im waiting on an autism assessment, so this may be why I'm baffled.

My friend invited my daughter, 10, away for an overnight stay at a UK resort with her two children and another friend from school. She would have been paying for it all and likely much extra costs whilst there, aside from spending money I'd have sent. She would have been offended if I gave any money towards it. She also said I could come if I wanted to but wasn't clear if my two DS' were also invited. I've known said friend for 11 years, our daughters have grown up together.

Friend really struggles with money, is disabled and a single parent, but had received some backpay and wanted to use it to treat the children. I said no thank you and she left it. However the other night when she had a glass of wine she told me she was heartbroken when i said no, and that it was like a stab in the heart to her. I laughed thinking she was joking and she said she wasn't.

I'm still a bit confused...why was I expected to agree? Is it not my choice as a parent and a person to say no? It was a lovely offer, but I felt uncomfortable about it. I now feel slightly irritated because I've been made to feel bad about something because I "should" have said yes.

I understand her angle to a degree, but not the extent of the upset? Its rattling around in my mind because I don't quite get it. Any insight appreciated!

No, we joined them!

Is very relevant, so she’s upset that you went without her I can see why talk about drip feeding op .

I'm not... we went and joined her, a few hours after she arrived.

I remember her saying I'm allowed to be generous with her but not vice versa.

So you refused to let even your daughter go and now I understand completely why your friend would be upset.

She sees you as being generous to her and she wanted to do something nice back for you so as to feel more on an equal footing with you/repay the kindness etc and you basically rejected her kind offer in short order which I imagine felt like a slap in the face to her. You say she is generous - but you also say she is struggling for money, so don't quite understand that bit to be honest. Do you treat her like she is some kind of charity case?

YABVVU

Just seen the extra answers OP made. Don't believe this now. I'm off this thread

Is her DD an only child? I had a friend with an only child and if she invited my dd anywhere and for some reason she couldn't make it it would create all kinds of "devastation" and "it's not fair on my dd".
OP what you did was quite odd though, I'd say "heartbroken" is a tad dramatic, but she WNBU to be very miffed at you just turning up.

She invited your child, you said no then you turned up with your child?

You were not invited?

I think she wanted you to all go and have a nice girly holiday together and then you said no and it scuppered what she’d planned.

Did you explain why you said no? (Was it that you don’t like accepting a free holiday off her?)

Then you went anyway? She’s probably confused - I am?!

We discussed it in person first, I said i want sure (it would have been Sunday overnight which meant my daughter missing school), and that I would think about it and let her know. Then she asked by text when she was about to book it (I had forgotten about it) so I said no but thank you for the invitation. She said OK then didn't mention it again until we were drinking together.

In the end she had changed it to a Friday overnight, which I didn't know she had done until the day they were going, when her son told me at school pick up. I looked online then and saw it was going cheap, so I booked it and joined them.

Did you tell her the reason was that you didn’t want your dd missing school? I’m sure she would’ve understood that.

If you didn’t - just say “I think there was a misunderstanding about the weekend away - I just didn’t want dd missing school - coming back on the Sunday was fine”.

She sounds like a lovely friend and maybe you just have difficulty explaining things bc of your autism? Sorry if I misunderstood that, but I think autistic people are often just very matter of fact, black & white etc.?

Huh? Bye then 🤷🏻‍♀️ people are so confusing!

Summary: friend invited me and DD to a resort overnight Sunday to Monday. She said me coming was optional, but wasn't clear if two DS' were invited. I said no thank you, she was offended. I said no partly because of the money and partly because of DCs or DD (?!) missing school.
She changed to a Friday without telling me, when I found out I booked it and turned up to join them with my DD. Mostly out of guilt for DD missing out. Other DCs stayed with dad as they have contact on Friday overnight.

Summary: friend invited me and DD to a resort

From the OP, where only the DD was available nvited...

My friend invited my daughter, 10, away for an overnight stay at a UK resort with her two children and another friend from school. She would have been paying for it all and likely much extra costs whilst there, aside from spending money I'd have sent.

Make your mind up, no wonder your friend is annoyed.

The extra info is very important. You had turned down her invite which she wanted to gift you/your daughter and then paid for it yourself. It may well have felt like you were suggesting she couldn’t afford it so you needed to pay or that you wanted to stay in a separate space to her.

I did in person yes, but not in the text when i said no thank you. I thought it would be implied as I'd mentioned it in the conversation, and I also said in person that I felt it would be too much money. She would have had to have booked 2x hotel rooms to invite all of us, it would have been hundreds.

I guess I am socially expected to accept generosity even when I feel uncomfortable. I really don't understand this but I'll work on it as I keep getting feedback IRL that I'm rude for wanting to pay for myself/ go halves, etc. 😔

It might not be that then :-)

But you didn’t tell her you wanted to pay your share, you just declined her offer with no reason and then booked it separately and turned up without telling her you were doing that.

I don’t think you’re rude at all OP.

I think the “heartbroken” comment was probably the booze talking. I don’t think saying no to the trip was wrong at all, you felt uncomfortable and that’s fair enough - I just wondered if maybe you’d explained your reasons to her, that’s all.

Thank you to the people who have tried to help me understand.

To the ones who have been unkind and tried to pick at what Ive written ...(surprise, surprise I have communication difficulties)... and also my friends spending habits; you're the reason I don't socialise with anyone except for her. Thanks for reaffirming why I spend most of my time alone.

Not picking so match as asking you to clarify which version is the truth. If she invited just your DD (as said in the OP) but you said no then turned up with your DD I can understand why she would be a bit 'WTF' but if the other version is true and you were both invited it is an entirely different situation. There are communication difficulties and there are 2 stories.

Oh and I am autistic, it's not a 'slag off people when you don't like what they say' card.

OP, my guess is that she got some back pay, and as she is very hard up she thought very carefully about how to spend it and the maximum happiness she could get and give from it. She decided that would be to treat her children and yours (I presume they get on) to a holiday. She wanted to feel generous, ti give your child a treat and you a break. You said no, so she couldn't access all those feelings of being generous (which it is so hard to be when you are broke)

When I was broke I hated that I couldn't be my natural self - could never offer to pay for others, to make grand generous gestures. I used to fantasise about paying for an entire table of family or friends to eat out, the way my DF-i-L did. I felt I came over as tight and careful, which wasn't my natural character. Maybe the same is true of her and she felt so upset that she couldn't share that opportunity to be generous and loving.

"Heartbroken" is a bit OTT, but I can see why she would be upset. She wanted to treat your daughter, and you rejected her offer - then went to the same place anyway and stayed somewhere else??!!! She sounds like a very generous and giving person, and she is doing these things because it gives her pleasure, but you are throwing it back in her face.

I wonder if it is how you phrased it? E.g. if you just said "no thank you" that could feel very dismissive and upsetting. Whereas if you said something more gushing she may have been less likely to be offended e.g. "oh what a lovely offer! That is so kind of you and I really appreciate it. But I feel really uncomfortable with accepting such generosity when I'm not in a position to reciprocate so I'll have to say no thank you. You're so lovely to have offered though. Perhaps we could plan something cheap to do to spend some quality time togefher instead?"

Sometimes people want to show their gratitude as it makes them feel better. It’s like when someone asks what you want for Christmas and you don’t really care or want anything, but you give them a present idea anyway so they can buy you something.

I personally think she was disappointed more than heartbroken. Perhaps she thought you’d jump at the idea and wanted to be able to do something for you for once so that she can feel worthy and improve her self esteem.

Or maybe she was really looking forward to the idea of it and is sad it won’t happen.

In fairness to @SpinningOutWaitinForYa , she does also say in the OP:

She also said I could come if I wanted to but wasn't clear if my two DS' were also invited.

So DD and OP were both invited.