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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be checking men out

39 replies

Lavendersage · 22/01/2023 17:29

Right, I know I’m being unreasonable, and I feel horrible about it.. but I need to know if this is normal? Is it a phase? Have others been through this? Please don’t judge me!

Been with DH coming up to 7 years, and have always had that kind of relationship where I don’t ever look at another man, think the absolute world of DH and I know how lucky I am to have landed him. I’m still very much attracted to him, he still gives me the butterflies.

However recently I’ve found myself attracted to other men. I’ve even found myself flirting sometimes then think wtf am I doing. I would never cheat, I know I wouldn’t, but why is this happening?! I work in a job that means I’m always chatting to different people and a lot of them are men, and I do find myself instantly checking out some of them. I also feel like I want them to be attracted to me and I like the attention of them flirting or giving me a second glance. I’ve even found myself daydreaming about being with other men.

For context, we have young children so our sex life has dwindled and we are having issues with how long DH lasts at the moment, which probably has something to do with it.

How do I fix this? It’s making me feel like a horrible person and like I’m somehow cheating.

OP posts:
LottoLaura · 22/01/2023 17:35

Issue here is you’re not just checking them out

You're actively flirting which is unreasonable

You fix it by having an open and honest conversation with your DH about your sex life currently, encouraging him to seek help for any issues he has medically and if need be looking into couples counseling if things don’t improve

Original poster
Lavendersage · 22/01/2023 17:38

@LottoLaura yes I agree, it’s completely unreasonable.

just to clarify though it’s more that I’ll find myself giving a flirtatious look, rather than actually saying anything flirty if that makes sense. I’ve never been one to outwardly flirt so probably described that wrong!

we have talked about it a few times, and he hates it too but we’re struggling with how to fix it

OP posts:
meetmeatmidnights · 22/01/2023 17:39

Can you take all of the effort you're putting into flirting / hoping they like you etc and put it into your relationship with your DH?

I don't think that checking people out (as long as you're not being leery!) is the biggest issue, I think people notice attractive people and that's sort of human nature. I don't think that flirting and hoping they like you is normal, if you're happy in your relationship.

Is there anything you / DH can do to bring back that feeling you used to have? A wandering eye can ruin a relationship, if I thought my DH was flirting on purpose and wanting other women to like him I'd probably be less inclined to put any effort into our relationship at all.

FinallyHere · 22/01/2023 17:40

Yeah, take this as a sign that your relationship needs some more attention. It's a very reliable sign.

LottoLaura · 22/01/2023 17:41

Lavendersage · 22/01/2023 17:38

@LottoLaura yes I agree, it’s completely unreasonable.

just to clarify though it’s more that I’ll find myself giving a flirtatious look, rather than actually saying anything flirty if that makes sense. I’ve never been one to outwardly flirt so probably described that wrong!

we have talked about it a few times, and he hates it too but we’re struggling with how to fix it

How much of an issue is him not lasting currently?

As if he can get it up, and maintain an erection for even a little bit it’s workable.

You just need to pivot to more foreplay (for both of you) and shorter stints of intercourse.

But you both need to make time for it, when DH and I went through similar after DD was born we made a pact to have sex every day for 2 weeks, no excuses, and it really helped build that connection up again.

LaPerduta · 22/01/2023 17:43

People who flirt when they're attached are the pits. Sorry.

Original poster
Lavendersage · 22/01/2023 17:45

I feel like I put loads of effort into our relationship, DH isn’t one for loads of affection whereas I am. My love language is physical touch and words of affirmation, and I don’t think DH really gets that. We’ve talked about it loads of times but not much changes on that front

OP posts:
Original poster
Lavendersage · 22/01/2023 17:47

@LottoLaura sorry if tmi.. he’s fine getting it up, but once we’re having sex he literally lasts a minute. It annoys him every time. It didn’t annoy me at first but now it is a bit.

Ive heard that more foreplay helps, but I much prefer actual sex, it’s the intimacy I crave rather than the orgasm, but a minute isn’t long enough to really get that

good advice though thank you, I’ll suggest that

OP posts:
Original poster
Lavendersage · 22/01/2023 17:49

Do any of you think the ‘7 year itch’ is a thing? Could this be it?

OP posts:
LottoLaura · 22/01/2023 17:55

Lavendersage · 22/01/2023 17:45

I feel like I put loads of effort into our relationship, DH isn’t one for loads of affection whereas I am. My love language is physical touch and words of affirmation, and I don’t think DH really gets that. We’ve talked about it loads of times but not much changes on that front

He needs to step up and understand what makes you tick.

Otherwise this will unfortunately just get worse, intimacy needs to be maintained, it’s why after a period of no sex you sometimes don’t even want it anymore, and it’s bloody hard to get back from that point of no return.

If nothing changes after putting ‘more effort in’ both sides you might need to look at external support (counseling)

girlfriend44 · 22/01/2023 18:47

Your human don't worry, just don't act your fantasy out.

TrishM80 · 22/01/2023 18:54

Lavendersage · 22/01/2023 17:47

@LottoLaura sorry if tmi.. he’s fine getting it up, but once we’re having sex he literally lasts a minute. It annoys him every time. It didn’t annoy me at first but now it is a bit.

Ive heard that more foreplay helps, but I much prefer actual sex, it’s the intimacy I crave rather than the orgasm, but a minute isn’t long enough to really get that

good advice though thank you, I’ll suggest that

Is it that he shoots his load after a minute? Or he just goes limp after a minute?

If it's the first one, he could have a tactical wank a few hours before sex, it'll give him a greater chance of lasting longer, he won't come as quickly.

Original poster
Lavendersage · 22/01/2023 19:00

@TrishM80 he shoots too fast.. I’ve suggested that! But he said no because he doesn’t like to ‘plan sex’ and likes it to be spontaneous

OP posts:
Yeahrightthen · 22/01/2023 19:02

Yes it’s normal to get a bit bored in a relationship- especially when he only lasts a minute in bed. I don’t think i could put up with that long term.

Does he make sure you have an orgasm? ie with oral?

Original poster
Lavendersage · 22/01/2023 19:04

@Yeahrightthen not every time no, I’d say maybe half the time he does.

It hasn’t always been like this, it used to be great so can’t see why it’s suddenly changed now

OP posts:
TrishM80 · 22/01/2023 19:05

Lavendersage · 22/01/2023 19:00

@TrishM80 he shoots too fast.. I’ve suggested that! But he said no because he doesn’t like to ‘plan sex’ and likes it to be spontaneous

Ok, but he could still have a wank earlier in the day! It'll mean he'll last longer if you do have sex. And even if you don't have sex, well at least he's had a wank, so not a complete loss!

Original poster
Lavendersage · 22/01/2023 19:06

@TrishM80 haha! Maybe I’ll suggest he starts each day that way 🤣

OP posts:
Yeahrightthen · 22/01/2023 19:11

Lavendersage · 22/01/2023 19:04

@Yeahrightthen not every time no, I’d say maybe half the time he does.

It hasn’t always been like this, it used to be great so can’t see why it’s suddenly changed now

Sorry but I think that’s really selfish.

My dh goes down on me practically every time we have sex, whether we go on to have PIV or not. The once or twice I don’t orgasm with PIV (I usually do very easily!) he will “finish me off”

Im not saying any of this to gloat but just to let you know that men who are unselfish in bed do exist and that if your dh loves you and wants to have a fulfilling sex life he needs to address his issues (viagra?) or at the very least start using other methods!!

BabyOnBoard90 · 22/01/2023 19:36

Genders flipped there would be no question that your DH is being unreasonable.

Don't let the bias of this forum reassure you, YABU.

Original poster
Lavendersage · 22/01/2023 19:39

@Yeahrightthen i wish this happened with us! He rarely goes down, usually makes me climax with his fingers which happens really quickly as he knows exactly how to do it now.. so a couple of minutes of that then a minute of sex and wham it’s done.

it’s much better and longer when he’s had a drink, so I’m wondering whether it’s stress related or him over thinking it?!

OP posts:
MademoiselleTrunchbull · 22/01/2023 19:42

Jeez, I've never understood why people listen to the advice of randomers on the. internet for medical matters. He isn't 'selfish'. He doesn't need to have a wank beforehand. He's suffering from the recognised condition called premature ejaculation and possibly needs treatment. There are drugs that help.

Original poster
Lavendersage · 22/01/2023 19:44

@MademoiselleTrunchbull call me naive, but I didn’t know this was an actual medical issue, I thought it was just the name for when a guy finishes too quickly!

off to research it now..

OP posts:
PizzaNinja · 22/01/2023 19:46

Personally I don’t think a bit of flirtation with randoms does any harm, as long as it’s just a momentary thing and you’re not going to go further. I see it as part of normal life to be attracted to strangers sometimes, it’s just human.

DoorTable · 22/01/2023 19:46

Flirtatious looks? I wouldn't worry about it. Guys are clueless at reading eye language at best of times. They aren't in your head, they don't know why you're staring. Most guys are too chicken to make a move anyway.
Fantasies are fun but you need to sort your relationship out soon because what you've describes tends to be precede all sorts of troubles: limerence, crushes, affairs...... nip it in the bud now and work on fixing things with your husband.

MademoiselleTrunchbull · 22/01/2023 19:48

Lavendersage · 22/01/2023 19:44

@MademoiselleTrunchbull call me naive, but I didn’t know this was an actual medical issue, I thought it was just the name for when a guy finishes too quickly!

off to research it now..

Yeah, I don't know if there's a proper medical term but my friend's brother had to take some form of SSRI which delays ejaculation.

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