To be checking men out

[Lavendersage]

Right, I know I’m being unreasonable, and I feel horrible about it.. but I need to know if this is normal? Is it a phase? Have others been through this? Please don’t judge me!

Been with DH coming up to 7 years, and have always had that kind of relationship where I don’t ever look at another man, think the absolute world of DH and I know how lucky I am to have landed him. I’m still very much attracted to him, he still gives me the butterflies.

However recently I’ve found myself attracted to other men. I’ve even found myself flirting sometimes then think wtf am I doing. I would never cheat, I know I wouldn’t, but why is this happening?! I work in a job that means I’m always chatting to different people and a lot of them are men, and I do find myself instantly checking out some of them. I also feel like I want them to be attracted to me and I like the attention of them flirting or giving me a second glance. I’ve even found myself daydreaming about being with other men.

For context, we have young children so our sex life has dwindled and we are having issues with how long DH lasts at the moment, which probably has something to do with it.

How do I fix this? It’s making me feel like a horrible person and like I’m somehow cheating.

@DoorTable I think it’s probably more that it’s in my head and I’m aware I’m doing it, rather than the guys noticing or acting on it etc.. I’ve never looked at another guy since being with DH until the last few months so it’s worrying me a little!

oh I see sorry I took it from the wrong angle!

Oh come on, a bit of harmless light flirting can lift your mood!

And pass an otherwise dull day/journey/whatever 😂

It's not selfish to have ED - it's selfish to not bother satisfying his wife though. Any decent person in a loving relationship would want their partner to be fulfilled. This guy can only be arsed half the time! Wham, bam, thank you ma'am isn't going to work long term in any relationship.

And now his dw is getting a wandering eye....

likes it to be spontaneous

Well yes, but when it's not working, he really should be open to trying some things.

OK, but reverse the sexes and that sounds pretty bad.

"Oh, I know she recently gave birth but it's selfish not to bother satisfying the husband. He'll get a wondering eye soon".

It's likely that he's either deeply embarrassed/in denial or just doesn't recognise how much of a problem it's become. He needs support and sympathy in dealing with it. Not a guilt trip.

Tbf I think it works both ways. I wouldn't expect my dh to go without sex or another method of fulfilment for a long stretch of time. I think the longest we've gone without was 4 weeks after I'd given birth to my dc's.

Obviously it's never ok to have an affair but having a good sex life with good communication will certainly help in that department.

OP said she's discussed it with him and he's not bothered doing anything about it and also only helps her to climax about half the time.

Im not surprised her mind has started wandering a bit. Doesn't mean she'll act upon it.

I think you need to have a very honest conversation with him OP.

We don’t go long stretches without having it, we probably have sex a couple of times a week and to be fair to him it often has to be a quickie because of the kids! But there’s definitely something missing.

We spoke about it again this evening but every suggestion I give he seems to have a counter argument for it. But then says it bothers him that I’m not satisfied and it worries him that I’ll go elsewhere (!) which I wouldn’t and I told him that.

but it confuses me - he’s really bothered about it but doesn’t want to do anything to fix it.

and it’s not just the sex too it’s general affection, he thinks he gives me enough but I don’t agree

7 year itch!

@Hello12345678910 this is what I was wondering! Will it go away?!
I have absolutely no intention of leaving him or anything like that, but things have gone a bit meh from my point of view!

So you are often only able to grab time for quickies? That isn't really going to help the whole situation. Much less chance of you being satisfied during this and be will be much more focussed on "getting the job done" quickly as well.

He knows you aren't satisfied and he knows you aren't happy, but I suspect that he is neither entirely sure what to do, pretty embarassed to seek help and clearly has concerns about your relationship.

It isn't hard to figure out why he is having trouble if the above is on the mark.

Is there a way you can find some decent time together to be able to just slow things down and enjoy yourselves?

"but it confuses me - he’s really bothered about it but doesn’t want to do anything to fix it."

Have you pointed that out to him? He seems to be stuck playing "yes, but...". Ask him what he's planning to do about it, then.

Why just quickies? What about when dc are in bed? Or do you have a baby?

You need to spend more time together outside of sex too flirt with each other. Eat together, walk or activity together. It's not just about fixing your sex life. You need to fix other things first

@Eleganz well sort of.. I actually think we have loads of time ie when the kids are all in bed and we’re still up, but we usually end up sitting on opposite ends of the sofa scrolling our phones 🙃

we have a baby who cosleeps with us which obviously hinders things. We’ve tried getting him into a cot but it hasn’t worked, also one of our other DC ends up in our bed from about 11.

I flirt a lot, don’t get much back from him although he says he does. We don’t spend much quality time together either because it’s hard to get babysitters. We talk about this when it gets to me, we say we’ll do more but it doesn’t happen.