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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Older relative reluctant to visit now

38 replies

Farindes · 22/01/2023 16:54

I live a few hours from the rest of my family and I typically go down to see them every few months and they come up to me.

One older relative is early 80s but fully mobile, keen walker in very good health. I particularly enjoyed when they came to visit as we'd go on walks and I could invite them on nice day trips near where I live.

About a year ago I moved house to a nicer town near the countryside with lots more walks and daytrips on the doorstep. (Same distance from rest if family - still a few hours away). Other family members have come to see us but this relative still hasn't.

I've invited them several times and sent them ideas for walks and trips - the kind we always used to do. At first they blamed house troubles for why they couldn't come, more recently they say it's because of train strikes. They say they'll come when no more threat of strikes but under this Government that won't be for a while.

I spoke to another relative about the situation and they've explained this relative is struggling with anxiety and reluctant now to do much beyond their daily routine.

I've stopped asking about them visiting now and obviously will make effort to see them at their home, maybe IBU but I feel so deflated.

We had some great times and I was so looking forward to showing them around the area and had lots of ideas about what we could do together. It makes me so sad that we'll both miss out and that their world is becoming so small even though they are still very mobile. Other relative says its to be expected as people get older and this relative has had bouts of anxiety over the years.

OP posts:

BungleandGeorge · 22/01/2023 16:57

COVID anxiety has done this to many older people. Could you go and pick them up?

DinDjarin · 22/01/2023 16:57

Would they come if you went to get them and brought them back to stay with you?

5128gap · 22/01/2023 16:57

Could you collect them?

ARoughRide · 22/01/2023 16:59

A ‘few hours’ journey is still quite a tiring trip, even for an active fully mobile 80 year old.

BIWI · 22/01/2023 17:02

You don't sound very sympathetic, or empathetic, @Farindes!

For someone in their 80s, a journey of a few hours can be a challenge. It may not have been a few months ago, but physical decline can become a real issue. Anxiety post-Covid sounds like it's exacerbating that.

Why don't you travel up to them and go on trips out or walks near where they live? That will give you the opportunity to fully appreciate how difficult things may have become for them.

Original poster

Farindes · 22/01/2023 17:05

I'd happily pick them up or get around potential strikes somehow but there's been more excuses each time I try to suggest things so I've let it be.

Dont think its the journey but the idea of something going wrong eg train getting cancelled or unexpected strike. They would find this very stressful.

Another relative was set to drive them up over Christmas and join for a visit but some minor car trouble put paid to that in the end.

OP posts:

saraclara · 22/01/2023 17:08

The relative is 80 and suffers from anxiety.
Even one of those factors is enough to exist then feeling unable to take a multi hour train trip.

It's possible that at 80 she now finds timetables, stations and platform finding a bit confusing. The confusion might be very mild, but it would be very disconcerting and worrying for someone with anxiety. I know my MIL reached a stage of finding train journeys worrying, and before she was 80.

YANBU to be disappointed, but YAVVU if, as it seems, you are blaming her for 'wimping out' of visiting.

Original poster

Farindes · 22/01/2023 17:09

I will go and visit them where they are as I always do but I loved the idea of them having a break where I live and taking them places. Where they live is where I grew up and weve done lots around there already. They would have loved it here and I feel so sad it can't be like it used to. Maybe that selfish of me but I just wanted to do something nice with them.

OP posts:

SerenaTee · 22/01/2023 17:10

It’s very normal for people to lessen their willingness or ability to travel as they get older and that’s without anxiety.

Suedomin · 22/01/2023 17:12

Train journeys can be very tiring at the best of times but if you add in train delays and the age of your relative it's really not surprising they haven't visited you.
Its sad but it could be that you will only see them when you visit them.

BitOutOfPractice · 22/01/2023 17:13

Yes, you need to readjust your expectations of what they can do / want to do. Things get more daunting and anxiety-inducing with age and no doubt the pandemic has exacerbated that too.

They aren't doing it to piss you off OP, have a bit of empathy!

Original poster

Farindes · 22/01/2023 17:13

I don't see it as wimping out and I have backed off now from asking. I've had anxiety myself in the past and if the journey/ visit is too much for them then I will leave the subject there.

I guess I'm just mourning the old times and sad these trips may have to stop now. The thought of them slowly declining and staying at home more is very sad. They've always led a full life

OP posts:

ChristineCagney11 · 22/01/2023 17:14

It is sad but this is what we have to do, adapt and change to different times of life with those we love.
As others have said many elderly people (and younger) developed covid anxiety indeed my local bus is struggling to keep going because many elderly ladies didn't come back after covid. (Not dead!)
Also speaking as someone who has suffered anxiety in the past it's torture when people repeatedly encourage you to go somewhere you really don't want to, it can make the anxiety so much worse but I know you weren't aware of it at the time.
I have a couple of friends in their early 80's very active but neither travelled to relatives this Christmas as it became too much to travel.
Hope you can enjoy the visit to her next time you go I'm sure she feels stressed about not coming to you and possibly upsetting you.

Orangebadger · 22/01/2023 17:16

It's possible that the visits that were made to where you use to live were familiar to this person, now you have moved to somewhere new has made her feel anxious about the journey/ new places etc.

It could be a new anxiety or just the unfamiliarity has trigger their anxiety. Either way it's pretty common, some people will get anxious about going somewhere new or been somewhere new. You probably need to adjust your expectations.

Original poster

Farindes · 22/01/2023 17:18

Orangebadger · 22/01/2023 17:16

It's possible that the visits that were made to where you use to live were familiar to this person, now you have moved to somewhere new has made her feel anxious about the journey/ new places etc.

I think this is part of it. It was a direct train where I used to live and one they'd taken many times. My new places would be two trains and not as familiar

OP posts:

KillerSandy · 22/01/2023 17:20

Sometimes as people age they literally cannot be arsed - they enjoy their home comforts and perhaps they feel they have done enough walks. The anxiety may also be tied to some health situations eg urinary incontinence or others. Just accept it.

Bechets · 22/01/2023 17:21

It's hard to see people we love get older and not be able to do things they used to. But you have to try to be understanding.

I have a relative who is a similar age and makes excuses for not doing certain things, but in their case I think it's because they have always had low level anxiety which has become much much worse now that they are older. I think they may have some memory loss/dementia symptoms too, as their personality has changed quite a lot over the last few years. I visit them at their house and sometimes convince them to leave the house (as in, I gently but firmly tell them lets go out for lunch or a short walk etc), but sometimes I can't and have to leave it and we just have a cup of tea instead.

There is no way my relative could get on a train anymore. Which is sad as they travelled all over the world when they were younger.

Eyeofthestorm7 · 22/01/2023 17:21

It sounds as though you have such a lovely relationship and out such thought into visits. I can understand it’s disappointing and sad to realise that those times at your home might not continue. However the relative is doing pretty well in their eighties to still be doing decent walks etc and maybe if you can get to the bottom of what is restricting them it might help? If it is that they naturally have lost some mobility/strength/stamina maybe they simply feel they wouldn’t be able to enjoy such a trip. But if it is something like travel anxiety a taxi service to and from their home if you can manage to drive that far would hopefully alleviate that. It must be such a loss for your relative and some people can find ageing hard to accept so maybe a gentle conversation could help open up solutions?

Clymene · 22/01/2023 17:24

If you value your relationship, I'd go and visit them for walks. And suggest when you're there out walking that you could collect them so that they can enjoy walks in your new place?

I think you need to dial it back a bit

inigomontoyahwillcox · 22/01/2023 17:25

I am in the same position with my parents. I've offered to pick them up and drive them back, but they decline.

The most frustrating thing is that they keep making plans and then (my mother) giving very flimsy excuses as to why they have to cancel. As a result I haven't seen them for almost a year as I keep being told that they might be coming on X week and then they don't.

I've now asked them to stop with the promises of visits as it's a bit of a rollercoaster of looking forward to them coming, making plans and booking time off, for them only to cancel again. It's also difficult to plan and then change plans at short notice due to my work. I'm making plans to visit myself at Easter.

I'm sympathetic to their age and declining health and am tying to make it as easy as possible for them, my mother, in my opinion is also suffering from anxiety as a result of being mugged some years ago (although I'm the only one that seems to have made the connection). But they are isolated in a town over 3 hours away from either of their children and many of their local friends have either passed away or left their area), and they are also missing their only grandchild growing up. This is also not good for their health.

I do understand your frustration OP.

winterpastasalad · 22/01/2023 17:25

YABVU. I'm in my 40s and cba to drive several hours to go on walks with someone. I suspect it's much more arduous for someone in their 80s. If it's deflating you that much, can you pick them up?

nokidshere · 22/01/2023 17:37

I get why you are sad but there's a lot more at play when you are 80 than mobility problems. People often develop a fear of falling which in turn saps their confidence making it difficult to go out and about. Effort is certainly an issue and everything is much harder and takes longer than previously. There could be bathroom issues, also common in the elderly, causing restrictions to lifestyle (having to be closer to the loo etc). Their eating habits change, often just small plates, less 'real' food and more sweet snacks. Sleeping habits change, it's one thing being up and watching tv or wandering around at night in your own home but vastly different in someone else's. Or napping frequently during the day.

Don't take it personally and try to see her on her terms and not yours.

ThinWomansBrain · 22/01/2023 17:39

My Mother got like this - travel to London (where she'd lived until her 30s) was a 90 minute train journey, then a tube or my brother wd pick her up at the station (she didn't visit me). She just got increasingly nervous about travelling - and she died in her 60's, 25 years ago.
My sister (70s) will travel - coach holidays where she is picked up, or where she can drive door to door, but makes all kinds of excuses, but essentially hasn't travelled in to London for the last five years.
Some of your relatives fears may have been exacerbated by covid and three years of being out of the habit of travelling - but it happens.
(I sure as hell hope not to me)

5128gap · 22/01/2023 17:48

I understand how you feel. It was a very sad thing for me that my dad refused to come on holiday with us again after mum died, despite being fit and in good health. I tried lots of suggestions, places he said he'd always wanted to go, but always a refusal. In the end I just had to accept it. But it is sad because not only does it feel like they miss out, but so do you.
In your shoes I'd try one more offer to collect them and if there's an excuse, leave it be. From the other side, it's quite stressful to have to keep refusing someone and thinking you've upset them, so dropping it might be a huge relief to them.

Thinkwicebeforeyouleavemylife · 22/01/2023 17:50

Maybe she's happy with her routine and staying in her comfort zone as it were. She doesn't have to visit you and perhaps would simply rather stay at home but doesn't want to upset you by saying this.

Covid has made people's priorities change and that doesn't have to be a bad thing.

I'm sorry you're upset op and struggling with this, perhaps it would be best to go visit her and reassure her that you're there for her if she needs to talk? Your constant asking her to visit possibly isn't helping her and may be making her more anxious.

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