Older relative reluctant to visit now

[Farindes]

I live a few hours from the rest of my family and I typically go down to see them every few months and they come up to me.

One older relative is early 80s but fully mobile, keen walker in very good health. I particularly enjoyed when they came to visit as we'd go on walks and I could invite them on nice day trips near where I live.

About a year ago I moved house to a nicer town near the countryside with lots more walks and daytrips on the doorstep. (Same distance from rest if family - still a few hours away). Other family members have come to see us but this relative still hasn't.

I've invited them several times and sent them ideas for walks and trips - the kind we always used to do. At first they blamed house troubles for why they couldn't come, more recently they say it's because of train strikes. They say they'll come when no more threat of strikes but under this Government that won't be for a while.

I spoke to another relative about the situation and they've explained this relative is struggling with anxiety and reluctant now to do much beyond their daily routine.

I've stopped asking about them visiting now and obviously will make effort to see them at their home, maybe IBU but I feel so deflated.

We had some great times and I was so looking forward to showing them around the area and had lots of ideas about what we could do together. It makes me so sad that we'll both miss out and that their world is becoming so small even though they are still very mobile. Other relative says its to be expected as people get older and this relative has had bouts of anxiety over the years.

My in laws have become a bit like this. They’re just more comfortable in their own home these days. They are wonderful and generous hosts and we love spending time with them, so we just travel to them instead.

Is it winter that is now the cause of excuses? Perhaps leave any more offers until the summer.

I don't drive and am a big user and advocate of trains travel and honestly it's just a nightmare at the moment. A couple of days strike has knock on effects to subsequent days, services are overcrowded and even with railcards ticket prices have gone up dramatically.
Honestly if I was 80 I wouldn't want the stress of it, particularly if there is a change required.
My parents live a couple of hours away, they always used to visit by train. They will never visit us in our home again- yes its sad but they are old, we just have to make more of an effort to go to them.

The OP has said she'd go and collect

Well she sort of did but she said this:

I'd happily pick them up or get around potential strikes somehow but there's been more excuses each time I try to suggest things so I've let it be.

Dont think its the journey but the idea of something going wrong eg train getting cancelled or unexpected strike. They would find this very stressful.

Which I think means the OP can't drive or wouldn't drive to pick the relative up. I could be wrong but cancellations and strikes don't affect a car journey.

It might be that your older relative is reluctant to be not within easy and quick reach of a toilet but is too embarrassed to say. That's certainly a concern for my almost-80 year old mum, which stops her from doing some things but which she'd be mortified to publicly admit.

If I was in my 80s I wouldn't be changing trains mid journey for a gold pig.

Water tablets have a lot to answer for!

It’s perfectly understandable that someone in their 80s doesn’t want to make a train journey on their own especially if it takes two trains. And they are right about the extra hassle and knock-on effects from the strikes. I think you have to adjust now and make the effort to visit them where they live.

I can see that this is sad and disappointing, OP. And maybe you are grieving the loss of their youthfulness, as you do love your relative.

But loss of confidence can accompany ageing. It might be that you can find the right moment to collect them, maybe when the days are long and weather more clement.

A lot of older people get to the point where they're not keen on leaving their home. I have a few older relatives like this, including my mother. Covid definitely played a part but also I know my mum is scared of falling as it's happened to her before. I think you need to show some understanding. You'll just need to visit them instead.

They might not accept a lift as they will feel they are putting you out.

Could you try saying you are coming to the area to visit for a day or two for X this weekend and the following weekend you'll be back for Y and ask if they want to come back with you the week in between as you are travelling anyway and they can keep you company?

I think changing trains is a much bigger deal than the length of the journey. I was looking a trains for an upcoming trip, as I thought it would be nicer than driving. I saw I would have to change trains and I'm just going to drive.

There are quite a lot of additional stressors with a train change. There is the timing of 2 trains, finding the right platform/train, potential difficulties with getting to the next platform, being speedy enough to make the change.