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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Who's unreasonable me or dh?

43 replies

autienotnaughty · 22/01/2023 11:46

I'm really not sure if either of us are wrong here but on a Saturday night after kids go bed we often put a film on. I love romantic comedy dh hates them. Dh loves war, sci fi, crime, thriller, disaster, I don't mind thriller and disaster films. We both quite like comedy. Choosing can be a grief, dh inevitably rejects my suggestions and I end up choosing the best of his picks. If I'm not that fussed once the film is on I will generally go on my phone (silent), read or do a crossword as I'm bored but I don't want to ask dh to turn film off. Last night we watched a sci fi that he wanted to watch and I thought looked okay. It was dull so I read my book. Dh said after he wishes I would make more of an effort to watch the film as he feels like we are not sharing the experience. I pointed out we always watch his choices and if he had spent 15 years watching romcoms he'd probably reach for his phone if he's not enjoying it. I did acknowledge that in recent years my tolerance and concentration has waned which o think is down to having a smart phone/instant choice. But am I wrong to entertain myself if I'm not enjoying something?

Incidentally I love games, cards, interactive quizzes and would happily do them but dh does not. Dh likes listening to music which I don't mind but I have to be in the right mood for.

So is either of us being unreasonable. ?
Does anyone else experience this??

OP posts:
Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 22/01/2023 11:48

Start vetoing his choices

AndyWarholsPiehole · 22/01/2023 11:49

What was his response when you told him your reason ?

MolkosTeenageAngst · 22/01/2023 11:50

You’re not unreasonable to do something else whilst he watches his choice of film so long as it’s not massively distracting. If he wants you to give it your undivided attention he should be making sure the film is something you will actually enjoy.

Can you not take it in turns to choose the film? One week his choice, the next week his choice? Make him sit through a few films he won’t enjoy and I’m sure he’ll soon change his stance!

piedbeauty · 22/01/2023 11:50

You start taking in turn to choose what to watch. Your h is totally selfish always getting to choose. Why are his wishes more important than yours?

Ellie1015 · 22/01/2023 11:51

Turns each for style of films and both make the effort to watch when it is the other persons preference.

NuffSaidSam · 22/01/2023 11:52

YANBU, but I think you need to do away with this idea that on a Saturday night you watch a film together.He watches a film he likes and you do something else that you like, which is absolutely fine. But it is good to do stuff together so have a think and see if there is anything that you both like and maybe do that once a month or every other Saturday instead.

Maybe a netflix/TV series would work better? Lots to choose from one the comedy genre.

Xrays · 22/01/2023 11:54

We’re in exactly the same boat. I just fall asleep now. I think it’s got worse as I’ve got older and more menopausal. I just don’t have the energy to feign interest in his shit. 🙈😆 We’ve been married a very long time. (And yes I do take HRT before anyone suggests it).

arethereanyleftatall · 22/01/2023 11:55

I don't understand why either of you have to do/watch something you don't like bevause the other wants you to. Why wouldn't you just do your own thing?
When I'm choosing who I want to spend my time with, I choose someone who likes doing the stuff I like doing so that we can enjoy our time together. And I also choose someone that also has some different hobbies to me so that we can spend some time apart too.

pawprintseverywhere · 22/01/2023 11:56

Urgh don't my DH of 15yr is a Telly/movie addict. OK he works long hours from 5am so I ain't going to deny him that on an evening but fml it's so boring. I want to do different things. I don't WHAT I want to do but sitting watching mundane TV and films isn't one of them. Sometimes we will get into a series and I really enjoy it and watch a few episodes a night until we complete it - this can take months if it has 12 seasons but after completing it DH is within minutes looking for the next thing we can "Get into" he sees it as some form of quality bonding time or something but im not the kind to spend all my precious spare moments in life wasting them watching shit, they'll be plenty of time for that when I'm old and immobile .. when I've finished a full set I'm going to take a few weeks doing other stuff. Non of this relates to your question OP but yeah 😂.... Do your own thing seriously don't waste your time on earth watching crap that dosnt interest you.

redskydelight · 22/01/2023 12:05

If you're watching a film together then you watch the film!

If you can't find a film that you both want to watch, maybe just accept that and stop with the idea that you are both watching a film.

Surely there must be something you both like doing? do that.

Isheabastard · 22/01/2023 12:40

I think your Dh is the more unreasonable. Not because you end up watching his choice of film, but because he gives you a hard time for not enjoying it.

I think when you watch a film together you need to make it clearer that it’s not your choice. I had an ex who didn’t seem to be able to ‘hear’ what I was telling him too, so I know what that’s like.

You could take turns in watching your preference. I don’t like rom coms or macho films. Rather than looking for a genre you both like, can you look for films that have very high review scores? I personally find that a really good film, good script, acting, dialogue etc, can transcend its genre.

I actually watched American Gangster last night. It’s subject matter would not normally be to my taste, but it has a higher rating than most films. A film I loved was The Power of the Dog, it would normally be described as a western, but that is just the setting for a story which is both a little psychological but also about a woman finding love.

I would also advise staying off your phone entirely for say the first twenty minutes. It’s too easy to get distracted and it actually stops you getting involved in the film and giving it your best shot.

The algorithms on places like Netflix etc, work on giving you more of the same. You have to work hard to spot the gems amongst the dross. I don’t think the ratings on their websites are accurate, so I tend to look at Rotten Tomatoes or it’s Wikipedia page.

Perhaps use this as an opportunity for you both to get out of your comfort zone and search out those really good and thought provoking films.

Im sorry my post is so long. It’s the same with books, there so much out there it’s worth hunting out the best.

And I get what your Dh is about. There’s something lovely about watching a film together that you both enjoy. It will bring you closer.

Tinkerbyebye · 22/01/2023 12:54

Just keep saying no to his choices. Or agree that every other weekend each will choose a movie

Nanny0gg · 22/01/2023 13:21

I'd like someone to tell me that I must watch whatever it is they're watching. 😡

As long as I'm not disturbing their watching I'll do what I bloody well choose with my time.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/01/2023 13:22

As long as you wouldn't mind him reading during a romantic comedy. Why not take turns?

felulageller · 22/01/2023 13:24

If he wants you to really engage with the film he has to compromise on content.

Lkydfju · 22/01/2023 13:24

You’ve described me and DH although he does try to watch my choices every so often and I do the same but I find it hard to watch something if I’m not interested and would rather read. We’ve ended up doing a mixture of thrillers or action or him watching his choice and me reading my book (I love reading and don’t get much chance)

TheBigWangTheory · 22/01/2023 13:32

Yeah it's you I'm afraid. If you don't want to watch the film with him, that's fine. But you can't say you're going to wacth the film with him and then not, that's a dick move.
Take turns to choose what you do, and make an effort to enjoy what the other one picks.

Whatatimetobealivetoday · 22/01/2023 13:41

TheBigWangTheory · 22/01/2023 13:32

Yeah it's you I'm afraid. If you don't want to watch the film with him, that's fine. But you can't say you're going to wacth the film with him and then not, that's a dick move.
Take turns to choose what you do, and make an effort to enjoy what the other one picks.

Ignore this OP.

Yeah it’s nice to make an effort with each other’s taste but you’re an adult and life is short, it’s painful watching a film you’re not interested in. Almost like a punishment.

Honestly we spend our whole lives in school/work why would we sacrifice our free time to spend 90 mins watching something we don’t want to!

TheBigWangTheory · 22/01/2023 13:44

Whatatimetobealivetoday · 22/01/2023 13:41

Ignore this OP.

Yeah it’s nice to make an effort with each other’s taste but you’re an adult and life is short, it’s painful watching a film you’re not interested in. Almost like a punishment.

Honestly we spend our whole lives in school/work why would we sacrifice our free time to spend 90 mins watching something we don’t want to!

Rather than ignore me, try reading it. Like I said, if she doesn't want to watch a film she isn't intrested in, she doesn't have to. But once she has said she will, its fucking rude to just read a book instead.
Not quite as rude as you though,

Lialou · 22/01/2023 13:45

This sounds like me and my DH, but he would never have a go at me for getting bored of his choices. He needs to let you choose sometimes if he thinks you don't make effort, he is making no effort.

MarmaladeCrumpets · 22/01/2023 13:47

Take turns

Pixiedust1234 · 22/01/2023 13:49

Take turns. If he insists you watch his films all the way through then he has to watch yours properly. This won't last long and you will be back on your phone/puzzles before the month is out 😉

Whatatimetobealivetoday · 22/01/2023 13:50

TheBigWangTheory · 22/01/2023 13:44

Rather than ignore me, try reading it. Like I said, if she doesn't want to watch a film she isn't intrested in, she doesn't have to. But once she has said she will, its fucking rude to just read a book instead.
Not quite as rude as you though,

Calling it a “dick move”
and “fucking rude” is dramatic!

Shes a fully grown woman who doesn’t want to continue to waste her time watching something she doesn’t like.

If her partner likes lasagne and she tries it and doesn’t want to eat it, does she have to carry on eating it just to please him and his tastes?

TheBigWangTheory · 22/01/2023 13:53

Whatatimetobealivetoday · 22/01/2023 13:50

Calling it a “dick move”
and “fucking rude” is dramatic!

Shes a fully grown woman who doesn’t want to continue to waste her time watching something she doesn’t like.

If her partner likes lasagne and she tries it and doesn’t want to eat it, does she have to carry on eating it just to please him and his tastes?

Are you always this obtuse?

If she doesn't like lasagne, she says she doesn't like it, and they don't sit down to a lasagne to share. What OP is doing is saying yes, she'd like to share a lasagne with him, and then taking two bites and getting up and making spaghetti instead, leaving him eating alone, and then saying he's unreasonable for saying thats not very nice of her.

Honestly, how do you people have no idea how to behave?

BigMadAdrian · 22/01/2023 13:53

My dh used to be a bit like this, but has mostly stopped now after I told him he was forcing his choices onto me and I was allowed to do/watch whatever I want. We have reached a point where we all happily potter doing our own thing in the same room - teen dc too.

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