Who's unreasonable me or dh?

[autienotnaughty]

I'm really not sure if either of us are wrong here but on a Saturday night after kids go bed we often put a film on. I love romantic comedy dh hates them. Dh loves war, sci fi, crime, thriller, disaster, I don't mind thriller and disaster films. We both quite like comedy. Choosing can be a grief, dh inevitably rejects my suggestions and I end up choosing the best of his picks. If I'm not that fussed once the film is on I will generally go on my phone (silent), read or do a crossword as I'm bored but I don't want to ask dh to turn film off. Last night we watched a sci fi that he wanted to watch and I thought looked okay. It was dull so I read my book. Dh said after he wishes I would make more of an effort to watch the film as he feels like we are not sharing the experience. I pointed out we always watch his choices and if he had spent 15 years watching romcoms he'd probably reach for his phone if he's not enjoying it. I did acknowledge that in recent years my tolerance and concentration has waned which o think is down to having a smart phone/instant choice. But am I wrong to entertain myself if I'm not enjoying something?

Incidentally I love games, cards, interactive quizzes and would happily do them but dh does not. Dh likes listening to music which I don't mind but I have to be in the right mood for.

So is either of us being unreasonable. ?
Does anyone else experience this??

Obtuse 😂😂😂 You’ve misunderstood.

OP might not have tried lasagne before , so says - “yeah go on then that lasagne looks nice!” But, turns out lasagne does not please her tastebuds so she says,
“ sorry DP, I’m going to rustle up something else instead, but you enjoy your lasagne won’t you 👍”.

OP says she thought the film was going to be ok, it wasn’t, so she stopped watching and did something else.

The beauty of having a long term partner is that you should be able to be 100% yourself.

DP watches football, I watch BBC dramas. Sometimes we watch things together sometimes we don’t. We have other things in common that we do together and some that we don’t.

I can see both sides here, because we’re the same. If DP agrees to watch something I’ll enjoy, he doesn’t participate in the watching at all – straight on his phone or laptop, but not even browsing, he’ll have a headphone in and be doing work or “making music” (it’s a bit Ross Gellar at his keyboard 😬), and if he doesn’t do that he twitches and fidgets and sighs and the whole thing isn’t enjoyable. It makes me want to shout “Watch properly!”

But!!! His films are of the War Men Dark No Female Actors Except Those Credited As “Dead Hooker No3” and everyone mumbles and they’re nine hours long and black and white with subtitles and loud gun noises, and I 100% go on my phone, read a book, do some quilting. I don’t twitch or sigh, though.

The only exception we’ve found was last night, watching the new Top Gun. So I suggest you watch Top Gun.

He feels like I'm the one who gets to choose!!! He doesn't seem to get I'm not choosing he is

What is supposed to be the point of this watching a film together?

Time together?

Something to discuss together afterwards?

He's doing what he wants for that couple of hours but it's not reciprocated!

Yep I'm peri I feel your pain

Why? It's not as if she's leaving the room or doing something noisy that distracts him.

She's a grown-up. She can do what she wants in her own time!

I like it thanks

Then stick to your guns and insist on a film of your choice.

Or refuse every single one of his.

This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of!

And I get what your Dh is about. There’s something lovely about watching a film together that you both enjoy. It will bring you closer.

Bloody hell. I've been married too long...

You need some TV series, hour-long episodes, to get into. Limited concentration and bonding time. Win-win.

I totally get what you mean, my DP is similar.

I would suggest proposing alternating picking films with no veto power, rather than compromising each time, and both making an effort to engage with each others choices.

If he gets bored during your film and disengages he'll have proven your point, and if not it'll just be a bit of fun.

I too think I've been married too long. Watching a film together shouldn't be such hard work. If you're not into it, you're not into it and vice versa.

Neither of you are wrong or right.

Take in turns once a week and both agree to be fully present throughout the film.

😂

It is lovely!
Especially when you spend movie doing
"yeah sure, you just jumped and didn't break a bone, didn't you sure. Flexible twat" "yeah, my knees hurt just watching this!"

"Aim for the head! Are you watching this DH? Idiot will be 3rd to get eaten, bet you a chocolate"

"Omg I love that series" "me too"
5 episodes later
"Yup so they absolutely ruined it" "yup"

It is fun. Sometimes I am still smitten by him when we both shout the same (usually something like WTF wrote this?! Have they never seen a boat?) at the same second😂

We also don't have all same preferences so some evenings I watch what i want on he is doing something else and vice versa. Which is totally fine.
But I agree with pp, if you say "watching movie together" you should both watch it. Just say it straigh "I don't fancy this, so you enjoy and I will read here" and take turns.

I second PPs' suggestion of taking turns. That's what DH and I do unless there's a film we both want to see. Although we've found we like watching series more than movies. They only take about an hour an episode and you can always keep watching more if you're really into it.

As far as paying attention, it doesn't bother us if the other is looking at their phone as long as they are quiet about it. We've both been known to 'float' in and out of watching a show. I don't get the 'rigidity' of 'You MUST watch!!!'. For us it's more about just quietly being in the same room. We don't have to be focused 100% on the same thing the entire time to feel 'together'.

At our ages we're more likely to fall asleep though. Can't count the times one of us has looked over and the other is 'out'. Our rule is "Never wake a sleeping tiger". BUT, if you fall asleep don't start asking questions about what you missed when you wake up! You snooze, you lose. Although if the film is one the awake person doesn't care much for, we usually turn it off if the other is sleeping.

Compromise. First week - you pick three films, he chooses one of the three to watch. Next week, he picks three films and you choose which of the three to watch.

That way you both get your choice of film but the other person is allowed to weed out any they feel strongly about.

Sounds like a communication issue, he has told you how he feels, and now it's turned out he doesn't know how you feel. This is great because now you gained some understanding of each other.
The next part is acknowledge/accept each others situation without blend and then sit down and work out a solution.
Solution could be something like odd days of the month you get too choose, even days he gets to choose. Or even set up a spreadsheet and vote on each others ideas. Or one person makes 3 options and the other chooses from those. Or whatever . the point is you realise it's not working and make it better.
You may in fact realise together that you prefer to do some baking together instead with the time or something!

But remember communication is a gift to both of you, try to take the gift and make something great. Good luck!