Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if your partner works away...

47 replies

absentpartner · 22/01/2023 08:44

Whether it affected your relationship and if so, how? Also what did you do to maintain the relationship while they were away?

I am in this situation and starting to struggle and feel distant from my partner so just looking for some advice. Thank you.

OP posts:
Relocatiorelocation · 22/01/2023 08:54

Mine goes away for about 5-10 days a month, I absolutely love it, watch my.own programmes, see friends, don't have to consider him in my plans. Has only been a positive for us.

ClockingTime · 22/01/2023 08:55

Yes, he always has and no because I don't know anything different.
We see each other for a total of six weeks per year and we have a good marriage with trust on each side.
We don't message or facetime etc, we just have a thirty minute phone conversation once per week when he phones home, because that's all we had in the beginning so we never changed that.
Obviously I do everything here, including all the childcare when the kids were small, which was fine by me.
As I say though, I've never had anything different to compare with.

Spottypaperdoll · 22/01/2023 08:58

My husband goes away 5 times a year for a week (maybe more) at a time.
we miss him dreadfully and this year he will be away for three weeks in October so we will go and join him for as much of that as possible.
It’s not easy and I do enjoyed the peace for one or two nights but it soon gets lonely. we don’t leave each others side when he gets back!

Original poster
absentpartner · 22/01/2023 08:58

Thanks for your replies.

He's away for around 16 days of the month, This is a new arrangement for us so I've always had him around previously. Been together just over 7 years. We have small DC, youngest is not even 2 yet. Lots to juggle by myself at my end and communication whilst he's away isn't great either so it's just really getting to me.

OP posts:
Relocatiorelocation · 22/01/2023 09:06

When the dc are small it's hard, you need to buy in whatever help you need. I just relax the routine to make life easier, all sleep in my bed with a movie first etc, make the dc see it as a treat.
I work though, I don't think I'd have liked to be a SAHM solo parenting for large chunks, it would have felt monotonous.

Original poster
absentpartner · 22/01/2023 09:10

I work too, that's another part of the problem. It's so much to juggle by myself. On top of that he isn't good at keeping in contact. For example on both Thursday and Friday he said in the morning he would call on his lunch break, then ended up working through it and not calling me. It sounds like a small thing but to me that call meant a lot, as we hadn't spoken since the previous evening and our youngest DC was asking for him too.

OP posts:
AllAboardTootToot · 22/01/2023 09:11

I am the one working away. From the other side, it isn’t great either. If he’s anything like me, he will feel guilty leaving and excited to be back in each time.

he will be exhausted as travelling takes it out of you, sometimes the way it flows communicating back home is hard but I always make sure he knows he’s my first and last thought of the day, even if a simple message. We don’t have set rules as some days I can leave a hotel at 7:30am and not even look at my phone until dinner time that night when I stop.

You two need to agree what works for you, everyone’s relationship is different. If you need more contact, say that and make the time together. However, just remember it isn’t all roses on the travellers side and things can slip as people forget when you are travelling that family commitment still exist!

I love being on the road but I had being away but needs must.

Original poster
absentpartner · 22/01/2023 09:23

@AllAboardTootToot

Where you said you can forget that home life exists, that's exactly how I feel. Like he's forgotten we exist. And it's so hurtful. I told him this last night and said something needs to change as it's not working for me like this.

OP posts:
ClockingTime · 22/01/2023 09:24

absentpartner · 22/01/2023 09:10

I work too, that's another part of the problem. It's so much to juggle by myself. On top of that he isn't good at keeping in contact. For example on both Thursday and Friday he said in the morning he would call on his lunch break, then ended up working through it and not calling me. It sounds like a small thing but to me that call meant a lot, as we hadn't spoken since the previous evening and our youngest DC was asking for him too.

That's where you're going wrong, relying on contact.
Do what we do and only have contact via a phone call once per week.
It gives you something to look forward to, plus there's more to chat about if it's just once per week.
I worked part time when the kids were small, I didn't need to have worked at all to be fair, but I wanted to.
It does get easier with time, especially if you get into a routine.
Almost forty years in now and I'm dreading him retiring 😂

AllAboardTootToot · 22/01/2023 09:29

absentpartner · 22/01/2023 09:23

@AllAboardTootToot

Where you said you can forget that home life exists, that's exactly how I feel. Like he's forgotten we exist. And it's so hurtful. I told him this last night and said something needs to change as it's not working for me like this.

I completely get it, it’s not on purpose but it does feel like you are living your own life when away, had not to.

You are doing the right thing by talking about it, never stop that as it will keep you closer as he travels more.

I would stop travelling tomorrow if my husband asked me not to if it got that much but we have a way of working it and if you find that, you will genuinely start to enjoy that time you have for yourself.

I know it’s difficult with the baby just now but I promise, it will get easier with him being away and you getting into a rhythm once you find what works for you both.

Sending hugs x

Original poster
absentpartner · 22/01/2023 09:29

@ClockingTime

It's not just me relying on the contact though, our almost 2 year old asks for him constantly. It's hard, it breaks my heart every time

OP posts:
Original poster
absentpartner · 22/01/2023 09:30

@AllAboardTootToot thank you x

OP posts:
Monkeytapper · 22/01/2023 09:32

My husband worked away Mon-Fri for about 10 years, fine with me, looked forward to him coming home on the Fri but also looked forward to him going away again on Monday morn 😆…2 kids now in their teens fine as that’s what they had always known.

LiteralSycamore · 22/01/2023 09:32

ClockingTime · 22/01/2023 08:55

Yes, he always has and no because I don't know anything different.
We see each other for a total of six weeks per year and we have a good marriage with trust on each side.
We don't message or facetime etc, we just have a thirty minute phone conversation once per week when he phones home, because that's all we had in the beginning so we never changed that.
Obviously I do everything here, including all the childcare when the kids were small, which was fine by me.
As I say though, I've never had anything different to compare with.

@ClockingTime, this is pretty extreme (and I say that as someone who worked in another country to DH for six months a year for ten years, pre-child). I mean, you are obviously the best judge of your own happiness, and as you say, it’s all you know, but forty years of six weeks a year and a weekly half hour phonecall in total doesn’t sound like any adequate basis for a marriage. You say you have children, but they must have no meaningful relationship with their father…?

Original poster
absentpartner · 22/01/2023 09:34

He's away EOW too. His week away includes the full weekend. That's hard with small DC to entertain solo after a full week at work myself too.

OP posts:
Pseudonamed · 22/01/2023 09:36

I was going to post, me I am in the situation but clearly it is not the same. Some of your partners work away a lot. Mine is gone maybe a week a month maximum so not in the same league. We keep in contact via whatsapp as much as possible though and the kids are not young.

Magenta65 · 22/01/2023 09:37

You need a set time for him to call, my DP worked away mon-fri and we’d text most of the day and FaceTime some evenings. When he was away for 4 months we FaceTime at 7:30ish each night. We’d text to say you ready etc? And call when the other responded so if your busy etc you don’t miss the call

ChristmasPuddingAllRound · 22/01/2023 09:37

My DH works a 2 and , so away for 2weeks and then home for 2. He's done this for over 10years and when the children were small used to be away for 4 weeks. It was hard when they were little but we are all used to it now ... sometimes it's easier when he isn't he!
I find it easier not to have set times to call and like a previous poster will sometimes only speak once a week or just message. Your little one will get used to it...we used to have a talking photo album which my children loved.

Original poster
absentpartner · 22/01/2023 09:40

Just to add I can't text him through the day due to the nature of his work. He doesn't have his phone with him. So I have to wait for his breaks so he can call me. Some days he's working 7-30am-9pm. So if he works over his lunch break that's a text at 7am ish, maybe a call if we both have time before we both start work, and then nothing until gone 9pm. That's why the calls on his lunch break are important to me, and he sometimes isn't sticking to that either.

OP posts:
MajorCarolDanvers · 22/01/2023 09:47

We both work away a lot and it requires a lot of diary planning.

We make a real effort to spend time together when we are together. Not just spending time in front of the tv.

Yutes · 22/01/2023 09:47

In terms of being in contact with your 2 year old, couldn’t he record a quick video so your DC can see that? Just a quick “hello, hope you’re being good, daddy’s ok the weather is a bit rubbish etc”
and the DC does one back
just the timings don’t seem great for contact with your DC, who clearly misses him.

it is hard to work away from home and hard to hold down the fort as well.

Itdjgsurchg · 22/01/2023 09:51

Mine works away during the week but comes home at weekends. He’s also going away for 4 months in October so will be away for Christmas.

I find my children‘s behaviour has got worse since he’s been working away, they seem quite sensitive and ask about him lots. I find it really hard during the week taking the dog out with the kids, doing the school run and working but I also like having time to myself in the evening. I do feel a bit resentful when he goes out with his colleagues in the evenings and im stuck at home. It does take me time to adapt when he comes home for a full week or so and I think he does the same because he can be a bit moody with the children etc.

I have to admit I am getting a bit of a martyr complex because I feel I do everything around the house so I would encourage you to take time for yourself when he is home and ensure he helps out with household duties/ the children when he is home.

Spendonsend · 22/01/2023 09:57

I found it really hard. We had totally different lives. I was looking after young children and working, money was tight so no cleaners or baby sitters and it was relentless- he was having the life of a carefree man in a lovely european city. Then he would pop back every other weekend and want to stay at home and see me so i felt i couldnt go out and he was useless with the kids as he didnt know them very well. Anyway, he doesnt do that anymore because it didnt work for us. He just does a normal job with a bit of travel. Its much better. A few days a week is a rest.

Arushofbloodtothehead · 22/01/2023 09:59

We did this for 6 years, he was gone Monday to friday. We would have a quick call in the morning and in the evening.

With your DH working so late though I can see why you would want the call at lunch time for DC. If he has to work through and has no break though, this request is really difficult for him. I know you said he works long days but surely he has to have a five minute break in there somewhere? I'm presuming you work part time if you are with DC at lunch time so dont have restrictions around what time he could call you in the afternoon.

I'd tell him he needs to do better or else you and DC will get used to life without him.

ClockingTime · 22/01/2023 10:00

LiteralSycamore · 22/01/2023 09:32

@ClockingTime, this is pretty extreme (and I say that as someone who worked in another country to DH for six months a year for ten years, pre-child). I mean, you are obviously the best judge of your own happiness, and as you say, it’s all you know, but forty years of six weeks a year and a weekly half hour phonecall in total doesn’t sound like any adequate basis for a marriage. You say you have children, but they must have no meaningful relationship with their father…?

Show quote history

They have an excellent relationship with their father, they adore him.
They're adults now and speak to him regularly, along with the grandkids.
Quite an adequate marriage, thank you.