To ask if your partner works away...

[absentpartner]

Whether it affected your relationship and if so, how? Also what did you do to maintain the relationship while they were away?

I am in this situation and starting to struggle and feel distant from my partner so just looking for some advice. Thank you.

My ex-h was (and is) away half the year. It was our normal.

The kids start to miss him towards the end of the month, but they don't get overly upset.

I personally don't think it's a bad thing to have time alone to be your own person. I would hate to be totally co-dependent and unable to cope alone.

When my husband worked Down Under for 6 months, we emailed once a week. But it was back in dial up internet days, so no other expectations & the nature of his job meant that phone calls during the day were always impossible. I just got on with my life, as did he, but the fact that work was the number one priority was one of the reasons we didn't have children (which I am very happy about, by the way).
So having a small child does make it more difficult, but I agree that reducing expectations 're contact might help. His job is important, so there perhaps needs to be some acceptance that he will prioritise it.

@LiteralSycamore sorry, meant to add that I could have joined him out there if I'd have wanted. I tried it pre kids and found the temperatures far too hot for me ( middle east ) plus I was bored and missed my own life, so I returned.
Remember that this was pre internet and mobiles back then.

@Arushofbloodtothehead

I work 4 days a week, long hours, out of the house 7am-6pm. I get one day off a week. One of those days (my day off) he promised the lunch time call for youngest and didn't deliver.
The other day the lunch time call was just meant to be a catch up for me and him when I was on my own lunch break at work; he also didn't call that time.

He doesn't have to work his lunch break. It's optional but the incentive is he is paid overtime rate to do so. So he's choosing to do it, every single day almost. He also doesn't have to work til 9pm every evening. He is meant to finish at 5.30pm ish. He extends his hours to be paid overtime. I'm asking for him to leave just 2 of 8 evenings a week free to speak to us before DC's bedtime, and do overtime on the other 6. He is struggling to even honour this request.

My DH works away from home. He's done this for a long time now. I was a sahm when dc were little but then worked when they went to school. Life was so busy never really had time to dwell in the fact he wasn't there and we always looked forward to him coming home. The DC are away at university now but they have a good relationship with their Dad. The nature of DH work means it's very hard to plan anything, it's not set times he's away. He'll be away for that particular project and will be there until it's complete. He calls, messages when it's possible. Holidays are alway booked last minute etc. I think it's important to carve out a life for you and DC when he's away and we always got excited and looked forward to dh coming home.

My friends DH works away for 2 weeks at a time. He crams in as much overtime as he can, the way he sees it is that he's away on his own so might as well get the most £ from it. They have minimal contact whilst he's away, the odd phone call and some texts. Then when he's home they do all the fun stuff and pack in what they can. It works for them.

Yep as I thought then, he needs to do better if its his choice to work through lunch and late evenings. Especially when hes promising calls and children are waiting for that call.

This is exactly what I think he's trying to do. But I'm realising that an all or nothing approach to the relationship and family life just isn't working for me.

It sounds like you're really struggling, was it a mutual decision for him to work away? (Are you the poster with the pretend policeman husband by any chance?)

We don't necessarily have set phone times, but with WhatsApp I'll send a message or voicesnap that he can reply to when he's free and vice versa. The dc send little videos with their thoughts of the day / singing a song / their airport present requests 😀etc, and he'll send little videos back or pictures of where he is etc.
He may as well do the hours if he's on an hourly rate.

Yes it was a mutual decision - we agreed to trial it and see how we got on. Needless to say it's shit at my end.

No I'm not the poster with a "pretend policeman" partner

We can't really WhatsApp. He doesn't have access to his phone during the working day except lunch breaks or early morning / late evening. Hence why I've asked him to keep the lunch times free when he's promised to call and keep at least 2 evenings free where he finishes at 5.30 instead of 9pm.

Also videos would confuse my 2 year old more. She doesn't understand and tries to "talk back" to them in real time. Then cries when it stops etc. she knows it's not really her daddy talking to her.

My dh used to work 3 weeks away and then 3 weeks home. I never minded and our relationship has always been solid BUT it was our youngest dc that struggled once he got to age 5. It was horrible so dh changed and got a normal 9-5 Mon-Fri.

You and your husband see each other 6 times out of the whole year????? Is there a typo somewhere?!

OP, I’ve read the full thread and this really doesn’t seem like it’ll work for your family in the long run

From the beginning of our relationship my other half worked away Monday-Friday,
Now we have kids he goes 1-3 nights at a time. Depending on work.

There have been long periods where he hasn't needed to work away. Currently it's been happening since September/October.

I miss him. But the kids keep me busy. I find it harder to sleep when he's not here. We try to make this most of the time we actually have together and as a family etc.

We both do, but me a bit more.

It’s tough with such young kids.

Put in some rules about communication - you speak X times a week, or text, or whatever can work - even if it’s limited he has to make an effort.

And take time to reconnect when he gets back. Can you get someone to babysit and go out to dinner? Or if not just make sure you talk property and share your news.

You also do need to build your life up when he’s away, also hard with young kids, but you have to or you will resent it,

My sisters DH does exactly this, and their relationship is falling apart in front of my eyes. They've been together 18 years, married 15 years. He's worked away exactly like this and cramming overtime in for around 4 years. He's moved out twice in that time as their relationship has got so bad, and they just don't get along anymore! I think its extremely damaging from what I have seen with them.

A total of 6 weeks, not 6 times.

Oh yes sorry I did mean to say 6 weeks and not 6 times. So you see each other for 6 weeks throughout the whole year and have a 30 min conversation on the phone once a week? In the nicest way possible, what sort of relationship is that?! Your husband is practically a pen pal. How is that a relationship/marriage?

My questions are quite personal and I’m not trying to be offensive so pls feel free to ignore my comment. I’ve just never seen/heard of anything like that so I really don’t understand how that set up is sustainable

OP my DH works away and my DC are young, 1 and 3. He worked away Mon-Fri when the youngest was 4wks+ and that was really tough. It hasn’t really affected our relationship - although I do occasionally resent it when I’m burnt out. It’s more affected my career. It’s really difficult for me to continue and progress in my corporate career when I’m parenting like a single parent.

My dp has always worked away sporadically and is about to start 2 on 2 off (possibly 3 on 3 off). We have an almost three year old and I work full time. We're preparing to outsource what we can to take the burden off (cleaning, frozen meal delivery a couple days a week), we're not sure how communication will go yet but we've always been good in the past. I was even contemplating getting a baby monitor that can be accessed from your phone so he can have a look in at bed time ect.
To be honest with your situation I don't think it's a work away problem, it's a communication and priorities issue. It's very easy for him to disassociate from family life while he's away and think it's not a big deal (he isn't to blame for this though, it's just easy not to think about when youre not in the middle of it). And I'm guessing when he is ready to call that you drop everything and go out of your way to be available? I'd be sitting him down and telling him how it is!
Also a little suggestion...why don't you get him to record himself doing some bed time stories that you can play to your little one? This is an old military trick that is suggested when a parent deploys.
Do you have family support? And I'd suggest outsourcing what you can?

It's absolutely fine to say it isn't working for you and ask him to find a job closer to home, you've tried it and it doesn't work, it needs to work for you both.

From experience video calls and such don't always make things better. Sometimes you're in the middle of dinner / bath / bed and DH calls and the dc go wild, start fighting over the phone, all hell breaks loose etc. Or DH will complain that the restaurant he ate in last night wasn't great, and when you're eating fish fingers with the dc it's a bit 🙄

You're allowed to say it isn't working, hopefully your DH will listen.

@absentpartner Does your partner work during his time at home?

Mine also works away. 3 weeks on, 3 weeks off. When he’s home he’s off so no work at all and he gets amazing quality time with DS (age 2!) - far more than a lot of parents who work a normal 9-5 get. He does loads in the house while I’m at work, cooks and cleans for me coming in from work etc.
The downside obviously is that he then goes away for 3 weeks and it means me doing everything myself while trying to hold down my own job.
In DHs industry he works around 13-15 hours per day for the full 3 weeks that he’s away. Sometimes it’s days, sometimes nights, and he chops and changes through multiple shift patterns within one 3 week trip so contact can be hard. He also can be pretty much anywhere globally for those 3 weeks and quite often starts in one location and ends up elsewhere so there can be time differences to factor in etc too. Quite often these last minute location changes come with a decent financial incentive though and the way we see it, if he’s away anyway then it doesn’t really matter where he is so he might as well use the time to bring in as much money as he can! So I can understand your DP doing as much overtime as he can too - he’s probably thinking that he’s away at work anyway so he might as well make as much as possible. It’s hard and it’s certainly not a lifestyle that’s for everyone. You need to talk to him about how you feel and make a plan that suits you both. It’s a lifestyle that takes a while to adjust to. Especially when he starts missing big occasions etc because he’s away.