AIBU or is my mother useless?

[Popsnap]

Im 34. One baby . One on way .

Grew up with mum and brother
then stepdad joined when I was 10 . They went on to have a child ( I was 12 when the child - My sibling was born)

I felt I was left to do as I wanted whilst the ‘new’ family went on holiday / had day trips and were just so happy . I was always told how crap my dad was constantly . My mom
Would always moan about my dad - like I was responsible for him. I started acting out about 13- not going to school/ drinking / older boyfriend / self harm and I fem no one cared . I sort of just did what I wanted .

My older brother always looked out for me . I felt my mum and step dad were never very loving / kind but they were never cruel . They just seemed to be pre occupied. If I wanted anything I’d work and save for it . I got my shit together and went to uni . I left at 18.

Around 20 I had realized I wanted more of a relationship with mum and step dad and as I only visited them 4/5 times a year for a week maximum -it was easier to get along but I always left feeling crap! Always feeling frustrated that my mum seemed annoyed with me . Or unbothered by me .

My mum can’t help but be critical of everything. She never wants to talk about me but will talk about anyone else. She seems deeply angry with my father still but she choose him. I am not sure if I remind her of my dad and that’s why she seems distant?

When I got married she was never excited . Never asked questions about it . She has seen my son ( aged 2) when I have visited but rarely comes to stay with me.

When I see her she will have a few drinks and turn spiteful. I never enjoy our time together as I get so frustrated at her behavior. She spends her time telling me the same stories/ gossips over and over . We never talk about the future / just the past . She criticizes everyone .

Last night I told her that we were expecting a baby and all she said was - oh right , another one no doubt you’ll have to find out the gender of it . Oh well your cousin is having a baby ……

She is generally negative and only says unkind things about anyone . I believe she is financially secure, lives in a nice house in a nice area and Mortgage is paid off. She Has been married for 24 years to someone who I believe is kind and respects her . She retired at 55 due to my step dad being financially secure. I know they have over £100,000 in the bank . They holiday 2/3 times a year . She has a 21 plate car paid in full.

However , she thinks the word has been hard on her . She is bitter from my dad still, all these years on. She will often say how unfair it is that her pension is so small ( she worked 2 days a week ) However my step dad gives her £600 a month to top it up. He pays all bills . They have a very high standard of living .

Even though I don’t have much money she will moan to me about how expansive things are . Let me pay for coffee/ lunch if we ever meet . She is tight.

When I got married she got drunk at my wedding and embarrassed me and was loudly criticizing my husbands family .

I find her spiteful and cold and after her response to my news yesterday I am struggling to find reasons to continue making such an effort with her when she is rude back. My DH finds her unpleasant.
My SIL has distanced her self from her and rarely visits .

But the thing is - occasionally she will do things like - send my son a postcard and say ‘ Nana loves you ‘. Or she will occasionally text once a month and say she loves me

Whatever I say she makes a quip.

Or as I said she just talks about anyone else but me.

I response to the birthday voucher I bought her for a Champagne brunch for 2 in December, she said - ‘ oh I got the voucher ‘.

For the past 4 years , I no longer spend Christmas Day or my birthdays with her as these special occasions always become depressing and sad and there is always a drama and negative narrative .

I feel like she doesn’t like me . But I have tried hard to be. Good daughter the last
14 years and I have never asked for anything financially . I am growing further away from her as she makes me feel so sad be it in person or on the phone .

AIBU to feel fed up of this? Or is it normal
That some parents just are cold ? DH parents in comparison are bloody brilliant . I know they didn’t raise me but have spent 5 years showing me how different a family dynamic can be .

I live 3 hours away from parents.

Fuck her and the horse she rode in on. Focus on your family and on your own happiness. Sending a big hug.

Some people are just joy sponges. She honestly sounds like she brings very little positively to your life and hasn’t been a great mother to you.

I think I would accept that you can’t choose your family ( thank God you can choose friends and husband).

I would try to expect very little from her ( to avoid disappointment and accept that she will never change. She doesn’t deserve anything from you. Big hug xx

It’s sounds like your SIL doesn’t like her, what about your brother? Does he agree with you?

How’s her relationship with your half sibling? Are they favoured?

There is a thread on the relationships part of Mumsnet called something like "We took you to stately homes". Probably worth you reading posts on there and posting on that.

You have done nothing wrong. The issue is your mum's perception of life and through that her older children.

Whatever shit that happened in her relationship with your dad is nothing that is your and your brother's fault it is between both your parents. It shouldn't be taken out on you and your brother but unfortunately some parents like your mum are too emotionally immature to act properly.

(Your step-dad has to agree with your mum's view of he wants to stay married to her. )

You can decide to go LC with her and invest in the relationships with your family particularly your brother where you don't have to kill yourself to get your feelings validated.

I don’t want to be rude (and I’ve had a glass of wine) but your mother sounds completely fucked up. However hurt she was about whatever went on with your dad, she has let you down very, very badly. You deserved much better and your DC deserve better.

None of her dysfunction is your fault - you were a child who needed to be nurtured and cherished. Now that you’re an adult, with DC of your own, you can choose wether to interact with her or not.

Consider - would you ever or could you ever imagine treating your DC the way she treated you? This might inform your approach to her going forward.

I have a wonderful, younger friend who had a horrible mother. She married a lovely man with a fabulous family and she sees her MIL as her mom. I suggest you consider doing the same.

Tour mother sounds like a bitter and self centred, spiteful woman. You don’t need to be around that. She will never be the mother you needed or deserved. She’s given a great example of how not to mother your own kids.

Be polite at a distance, but don’t expect anything more of her and don’t tell her personal info. Your DC are lucky to have lovely parents and a great set of grand parents on your DH’s side. Let her go, none of it is your fault or reflects on you.

I wish I could give you a huge hug.

@kierenthecommunity
SIL doesn’t like her manor or the way she is quite rude and speaks unkindly. Think she doesn’t warm to the ‘poor me attitude’ .

My brother finds my mum difficult and will kaon about her at length but will always say - who else have we got ? However I believe she isn’t as rude to him as me .

My younger brother is more spilt financially. But I guess that his dad wants to provide him a car / cash will at uni . That’s up to him. But my mum is very negative to him and I have noticed he only visits twice a year for a couple nights . I think he finds them ‘small
minded’ but he would never say that . Just the impression I get . He is a nice young man .

Make the effort with your siblings instead, your brothers will be around long after she has gone

OP, you are too kind and forgiving towards her, and you sound lovely and trying to make the effort, but I echo what everyone else has said and wonder, "why bother"? She sounds like a spiteful, bitter, jealous narcissist. You sound too good for her tbh. I don't understand why people be parents and then treat their children like that. At least you can hold your own head up high, I don't think she could say the same.

I'm sorry op, I wish some parents weren't so shite.
I know for me I try to make sure to be a better mum to my children and I hope not to make the same mistakes / I treat my children equally.
That's all I have to repair it and I try my best to focus on it but it's hard and my heart goes out to you as I know it really hurts sometimes 💛

Why are you bothering? Just leave her be and stop torturing yourself. She treats you like shit but you don't need to put up with it for the sake of an 'I love you' the odd time. Forget her.

She’s not useless, she’s horrible & self absorbed. I’d cut her off.

Stop giving her control to affect you. I think, if you want, you can still have a passing relationship with her but some people are just negative. Choose not to allow them into your emotional wellbeing.

I'm sorry for saying this but she really does sound horrible.

It's probably important to move away from the "why is she like this?" to simply accepting that this is how she is, how she will always be and deciding, based on that, how much or how little contact (if any) you want to have with her going forward.

Some people, no matter how good their lives objectively are, will always find some way to feel that the world has wronged them in some fashion. That's just how some people are. After a time, they just start to drain the joy out of everyone around them. Very much a case of if I can't be happy, no one can, mentality.

I suspect that there's some narcissism at play here as well-especially with the random, out of character, "I love you," messages etc. Seems kind of like she's giving you just enough to keep you hanging on but really giving you nothing at all.

She sounds a nightmare, and totally self-centered. I think I would have ditched her a long time ago. If you don’t get any positives from the relationship, and she only makes you feel bad, what’s the point? You don’t owe her anything.

I felt I was left to do as I wanted whilst the ‘new’ family went on holiday / had day trips and were just so happy . I was always told how crap my dad was constantly

She dropped you as a 12/13 year old. Unforgivable. I’d stop bothering with her, she sounds a spiteful bitch with a persecution complex.

Some people just shouldn't have children.

Try to get some comfort from the fact that your own generosity of spirit has meant that she didn't get to ruin your relationship with your brothers for you, even though she treated them better than she treated you. That's your family, plus your own partner and children.

Hi OP, my own 12 year old daughter is currently sleeping upstairs and I am trying to think of any scenario where I would leave her at home whilst I went on holiday and I can't. Possibly if we could afford multiple trips a year and we went on a grown ups holiday but that wasn't even the case with your mother as she took your younger sibling.
I wouldn't invest another second of my one precious life with this woman, her priorities have been clear for a long time and you are not one of them.
Enjoy your family, including your in laws as they sound nice and limit contact with your mother as much as possible!

Stop forgiving and making excuses for her. You deserve much, much more than she's ever given you. Time to accept she's a selfish cow and stop wasting your time and energy on her. I'm so sorry for you, it's shit but won't ever change xx

I wouldn’t have anything to do with her anymore op I can relate to this situation! On a level tbh but my stepdad was really extremely abusive our child hoods where destroyed really.

I think she knows what she’s done and feels guilty she must! No one walks around with a clear conscious knowing they neglected there priority’s the way she did!

Just because she’s your mum doesn’t mean she deserves a place in your life and she sounds like a nasty drunk to add to matters to! Congratulations on your pregnancy you have your family now I personally wouldn’t reach out again.

I grew up being emotionally abused. I left home as some as I could. For years I tried with my parents but after some counselling I realised the issue was them not me. They had their own stuff from their childhoods that's impacted on them and I can't be responsible for that I can only be responsible for me. I decided I would be in charge of how often I saw them and I would stop comparing to my friends who have lovely relationships with their mums. Once I took a step back I felt better I still visited but it was because I wanted to see them.
Our relationship did improve as they mellowed with age and became more vulnerable and I think subconsciously they knew i would no longer accept their crap and they needed me more than I needed them.

I think she does love you but she clearly has problems with expressing that love in a positive way. She is a deeply flawed person who happens to be your mum. As hard as it is, I would try to accept that she is how she is but she does still love you in her own way ( & your son).
Maybe reduce contact for the sake of your own mental health but don’t cut contact completely. I expect she had an unloving childhood herself which makes it hard for her to know how to be a good parent.

What was her mother like? She might be just repeating her own life. And DSF seems to just giver her what she wants for a peaceful life.
Yes, agree with others, just make time for siblings.

Your mother did not give you the care you deserved. It is common for this to come into sharp focus when we have children and even more so, when we have a second child.

I would encourage you to seek support as you navigate these emotions and to ¹speak to your brother too, when you are ready to. You may gain some insights into why your mother behaved like she did. More importantly, you will hopefully be able to look around at your own family and those who do care about and love you and see your own self worth.

It’s ok to take a step back from relationships that don’t make you happy

Sorry to hear about this, OP. It sounds like she's not a very nice person and you have the misfortune to be her daughter. It's easy to say "I love you" and maybe she even feels it at the time, but it doesn't make up for the neglected childhood you describe.
A PP suggested the Stately Homes threads and I think that's a good idea. There is little/no prospect that your mother will become a warm person now and your best hope is to find peace with that. I'm sorry.