AIBU or is my mother useless?

[Popsnap]

Im 34. One baby . One on way .

Grew up with mum and brother
then stepdad joined when I was 10 . They went on to have a child ( I was 12 when the child - My sibling was born)

I felt I was left to do as I wanted whilst the ‘new’ family went on holiday / had day trips and were just so happy . I was always told how crap my dad was constantly . My mom
Would always moan about my dad - like I was responsible for him. I started acting out about 13- not going to school/ drinking / older boyfriend / self harm and I fem no one cared . I sort of just did what I wanted .

My older brother always looked out for me . I felt my mum and step dad were never very loving / kind but they were never cruel . They just seemed to be pre occupied. If I wanted anything I’d work and save for it . I got my shit together and went to uni . I left at 18.

Around 20 I had realized I wanted more of a relationship with mum and step dad and as I only visited them 4/5 times a year for a week maximum -it was easier to get along but I always left feeling crap! Always feeling frustrated that my mum seemed annoyed with me . Or unbothered by me .

My mum can’t help but be critical of everything. She never wants to talk about me but will talk about anyone else. She seems deeply angry with my father still but she choose him. I am not sure if I remind her of my dad and that’s why she seems distant?

When I got married she was never excited . Never asked questions about it . She has seen my son ( aged 2) when I have visited but rarely comes to stay with me.

When I see her she will have a few drinks and turn spiteful. I never enjoy our time together as I get so frustrated at her behavior. She spends her time telling me the same stories/ gossips over and over . We never talk about the future / just the past . She criticizes everyone .

Last night I told her that we were expecting a baby and all she said was - oh right , another one no doubt you’ll have to find out the gender of it . Oh well your cousin is having a baby ……

She is generally negative and only says unkind things about anyone . I believe she is financially secure, lives in a nice house in a nice area and Mortgage is paid off. She Has been married for 24 years to someone who I believe is kind and respects her . She retired at 55 due to my step dad being financially secure. I know they have over £100,000 in the bank . They holiday 2/3 times a year . She has a 21 plate car paid in full.

However , she thinks the word has been hard on her . She is bitter from my dad still, all these years on. She will often say how unfair it is that her pension is so small ( she worked 2 days a week ) However my step dad gives her £600 a month to top it up. He pays all bills . They have a very high standard of living .

Even though I don’t have much money she will moan to me about how expansive things are . Let me pay for coffee/ lunch if we ever meet . She is tight.

When I got married she got drunk at my wedding and embarrassed me and was loudly criticizing my husbands family .

I find her spiteful and cold and after her response to my news yesterday I am struggling to find reasons to continue making such an effort with her when she is rude back. My DH finds her unpleasant.
My SIL has distanced her self from her and rarely visits .

But the thing is - occasionally she will do things like - send my son a postcard and say ‘ Nana loves you ‘. Or she will occasionally text once a month and say she loves me

Whatever I say she makes a quip.

Or as I said she just talks about anyone else but me.

I response to the birthday voucher I bought her for a Champagne brunch for 2 in December, she said - ‘ oh I got the voucher ‘.

For the past 4 years , I no longer spend Christmas Day or my birthdays with her as these special occasions always become depressing and sad and there is always a drama and negative narrative .

I feel like she doesn’t like me . But I have tried hard to be. Good daughter the last
14 years and I have never asked for anything financially . I am growing further away from her as she makes me feel so sad be it in person or on the phone .

AIBU to feel fed up of this? Or is it normal
That some parents just are cold ? DH parents in comparison are bloody brilliant . I know they didn’t raise me but have spent 5 years showing me how different a family dynamic can be .

I live 3 hours away from parents.

This has been going on a long time. It looks as if the view that she has of you (and perhaps of what is the biggest deal for her, e.g. her new relationship and 3rd child) was formed around the age of you being 12.

So much of what you say suggests that she hasn't really changed that view of you, and expects that you are compliant in fitting in with her assumptions, even though you have changed and a lot is different. Where she is at now, is a combination of being very blinkered/ self-centred, and unaware of how she comes across to you, because you're still the uncomplicated 2nd child in her eyes.

Things absolutely do come into focus when you are a parent yourself. You become aware of competing needs of the children and the grandparents - in my case, these also seemed weirdly childish and bratty and it wasn't clear why. There was a lot of childhood trauma in my DM's life and I can only conclude that this is now a strong root of this behaviour, which I didn't grasp as a child.

Are there other clues? Does she fall out with friends, or have big family grudges going back a long way? Whatever you do, changes for the positive are not usually very long lasting, so you can't be responsible for her happiness, either now or at the time she dwells on with bitterness.

I understand that you've had to write it all down to give as much information as possible so it might not be the case that she dominates your thoughts on a daily basis. But if she - and the situation, the relationship etc is dominating your thoughts then I'd go for a bit of counselling. In fact I'd pay for it and look on it as a good investment. Frankly she sounds like a bitch who you'd avoid if she wasn't family. You have family in two brothers who it sounds like you get on with. Cultivate relationships with them and gradually go low contact with the bitch-mother. Increase gaps before responding, don't tell her stuff etc. But again, free your mind from this stored-up past damage by talking it out which will help you let it go and focus on your family and future.

I'd echo what other posters have said. She has issues, and some relationships aren't worth maintaining.
What I would say though - I bet she has inadvertently made you a better mum. I bet you look at your child and you can't comprehend how she treated you the way she did. We aren't all naturals at parenting - I know I'm not - but we can show our children love and attention and do our best. She didn't do her best. You know how that feels and would never put your children through it. Its something to take from the situation (that's from personal experience)

She sounds selfish ,some people never seem to be happy no matter how much they have. Maybe just go LC for the moment and invest in your In laws. She obv wasnt happy with your dad but thats not your fault! I think many women are conditioned to think we will all have great RL with our Mums, and they will be ultra keen on GC and supporting their DD whatever.On this site alone there are many that dont have this .Maybe have some Counselling and then as above PP say dont tell her anything and dont be avaliable for trips out which you end up paying for!

You can’t change how your mother behaves, you can though challenge her behaviour

“oh mum you’re being negative again about cousin Betty” let’s talk about something nice
oh mum you’re being negative about uncle Bob”
let’s talk about something positive

make the mist of your food relationship with your in laws and your own children

its sad for you, but if all of you siblings are infrequent visitors then the issue is probably your mother and not you, or your brothers

Next time you see her and she talks about everyone else but you, I'd stop her and say ' Mum, you don't seem interested in my news, are you OK?'
I wouldn't criticise her but feign concern that 'she doesn't seem very happy and shall we catch up another time when you're a little happier'.

I am sorry op that you don't have the Mum you deserve or would love to have.
She isn't going to ever change. All you can do it accept, or at least try to accept it is what it is and protect yourself and new baby.

I would also redirect my energies to ensuring you read about parenting and learn what steps you are going take, to be nothing like her. You might find you feel even worse about her when you realise yourself what it means to be a mother.

For now build up a new network of people that love you, look out for you and let go. Stop doing the running, the hoping she will 'come around' and be a loving grandparent, it isn't going to happen. You really have to now focus on all the wonderful things you do have, stop to looking to her for validation and love and firmly but gently put her to the side now - and start to look for a life without the constant criticsm.

Congratulations on your pregnancy