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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For thinking he is using me?

58 replies

Billing · 21/01/2023 18:39

I've been with my dp for 4 years. He's always been a moody type from the beginning, even his mother warned me about it when I first met her. We were together about a year when we had a huge row. I already have 3 kids from my previous marriage, my dp understandably wanted a child but as I was nearing 40 I didn't feel it was right for me also I didn't know how stable our new relationship was. Anyway I was direct with him and he walked out. During the time we were apart, I got some counselling as my confidence was shook. I started to get more confidence and my self esteem came up. We were apart for only 2 months but then he contacted me saying he wanted to get back with me and that he was now sure he didn't want a child and that I was enough. I took him back. For the next 2 years he lived in a different city so we only saw each other at weekends and the relationship really went well. He asked me about a year ago to reconsider having a child for him. I agreed because I didnt want to lose him again. We tried naturally and miscarried, then did 2 courses of IVF which both failed. We found out then that his sperm is bad. We decided to go one last time for IVF as we now knew the cause why the embryoes kept arresting. Because of my age now 44, i agreed to using donated eggs. Around this time, he decided to go back to college. He moved in with my kids and I. Again I started to see his mood swings. He makes "jokes" about me not exercising (he likes to keep fit) also about how I clean, how I parent, what groceries I buy, he doesn't help much around the house but is quick to point out all my short comings. We had a family function recently and my aunt had words with him as she felt he spoke to me disrespectfully. I think I'm so immune to it, I was surprised at someone else's reaction. It has now made me rethink things. I do not want to go ahead with the IVF. I'm 45 next birthday and I want to raise the 3 I already have the best I can instead of adding another child to the mix. We only have s☆x every now and again as he's always too tired. I feel like he's not attracted to me but he denies this. I'm paying for everything while he goes to college including the IVF. I just want him to be nice to me, to feel loved but I don't. If I bring any of this up, he goes off the deep end and will convince me I'm in the wrong. I will bring the IVF up in a few days as he's in a mood the past few days and I know it will escalate, I also know he will leave. My fear is he is using me for a) a baby and b) to get thru college. What do you think AIBU?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 21/01/2023 18:42

Kick. Him. Out. He's an abusive cocklodger and it's high time you out your kids first.

Dacadactyl · 21/01/2023 18:43

Get rid of him. He sounds like a dead weight holding you back.

And stop trying for a baby, that's ridiculous.

Glorianna · 21/01/2023 18:43

Yes, he is using you. He sounds like a cocklodger I’m afraid. Sad

Tell him to move out this weekend and rid yourself of this albatross around your neck.

38woman · 21/01/2023 18:43

He sounds just horrible. His mother has warned you and your aunt had to speak to him. You are worth so much more. Kick him out.

FlowerFlour · 21/01/2023 18:45

Oh my god, he sounds horrendous. Please break up with him and don't tie yourself to him with a child. You can make a clean break now.

His housing and college is his own responsibility. Your three children are yours. I'm sure they'll be overjoyed when this miserable abuser leaves.

Chowtime · 21/01/2023 18:45

Did he ask if he could marry you? Or did he just ask if he could live with you and impregnate you?

Bellalalala · 21/01/2023 18:46

So you said you didn’t want a baby. He left then came back saying he didn’t want one either.

But 2 years later he convinced you to have a baby then pay for several rounds of IVF and completely financially support him?

and he emotional abuses you?

What do you like about him? That he is sometimes nice? Occasionally?

ComtesseDeSpair · 21/01/2023 18:47

Your DC have to live with this man and his moody, sullen behaviour - and they didn’t even get a choice in it. You do. Get rid. Work on your standards and boundaries and why you stayed with a man who you were warned right at the start was a moody prick.

PoppyFleur · 21/01/2023 18:50

Please leave this man, you and your children deserve better, he is using you. Every penny spent on him is money taken away from your children.

Consider having more counselling so you can truly understand your worth.

Original poster
Billing · 21/01/2023 18:50

Chowtime · 21/01/2023 18:45

Did he ask if he could marry you? Or did he just ask if he could live with you and impregnate you?

When hes been drinking, he says he will marry me one day

OP posts:
Coffeellama · 21/01/2023 18:50

He’s clearly using you! Put yourself and your children first and end this relationship.

Scienceadvisory · 21/01/2023 18:51

Why on earth were you trying to conceive a child, going as far as ivf, with a man you didn't even live with? Was your plan to surprise your poor kids with a new sibling and step-dad at the same time?

Put yourself and your kids first. You had good reasons for not wanting another child. Stop letting this man use you.

JudgeRudy · 21/01/2023 18:52

Please don't bring another child into this relationship. As you say concentrate on the children you already have. Also, just remind me, when did you say your self esteem improved 🤔

Flowersintheattic57 · 21/01/2023 18:53

He wants a child with you so it’s harder for you to leave him.

Original poster
Billing · 21/01/2023 18:53

Bellalalala · 21/01/2023 18:46

So you said you didn’t want a baby. He left then came back saying he didn’t want one either.

But 2 years later he convinced you to have a baby then pay for several rounds of IVF and completely financially support him?

and he emotional abuses you?

What do you like about him? That he is sometimes nice? Occasionally?

That's the problem, he can be nice and funny. I think my confidence is so low now I'm just grateful to have him

OP posts:
Coffeellama · 21/01/2023 18:56

Billing · 21/01/2023 18:53

That's the problem, he can be nice and funny. I think my confidence is so low now I'm just grateful to have him

Show quote history

You can’t have a baby that you don’t want for nice and funny OP, it’s madness

Ludo19 · 21/01/2023 18:56

Start seeing the wood for the trees OP.

He's a nasty, using manipulative bastard using you for a meal ticket and a child. IF you were to have a baby do you think he'd change? Marry you? I'd bet my teeth he wouldn't marry you and he wouldn't be a good parent. He sounds vile.

You and your children deserve better. Even if he was fucking Billy Connolly and made me laugh there's no way I'd put up with someone criticising my every move and having to pay for this cretins education.

Walkingthedog46 · 21/01/2023 18:59

My friend took up with a user like this. She was working in a good job and he was a student. She paid for everything and he lived high on the hog. He ditched her the minute he graduated despite his future faking.

LaLuz7 · 21/01/2023 19:05

Good Lord... don't have a baby you don't really want with a partner you don't really like who also wants you to carry his child but won't even bother to put q rung on your finger.

This is madness

LaLuz7 · 21/01/2023 19:07

*put a ring

Goodadvice1980 · 21/01/2023 19:11

Your poor kids 🥲 kick the useless tosser out & do the Freedom Programme.

Hadalifeonce · 21/01/2023 19:11

Please don't be grateful to this poor excuse of a human being, he is using you, you deserve someone who loves you and shows you that they do.

CrotchetyQuaver · 21/01/2023 19:22

He sounds awful
Please don't pay to put yourself through the ordeal of another round of IVF with him
Having his child would be an unmitigated disaster and tie you to him forever, even if the odds of that happening are quite low

dooneyousmugelf · 21/01/2023 19:26

Christ....it would be one thing to accidentally fall pregnant to such a using, horrible man, but to go out of your way to do so is borderline madness! Sorry

Zanatdy · 21/01/2023 19:30

I think you need to get rid. Do not have a baby with this guy. Sounds like you don’t want a baby at all and I don’t blame you at 45. I’m 46 and have 3 kids and only 3yrs until youngest is 18. I can’t imagine anything worse right now. My brother is father to a 10 month old baby and 2 girls in their 20’s as his 2nd wife didn’t have any kids. I don’t think he wanted a baby at 48 but knew his wife wanted children when they got together. I personally could do it as my eldest is nearly 30 and I’ve been parenting most of my life. My boyfriend has kids thankfully and is older than me so definitely no more kids.

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