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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For thinking he is using me?

58 replies

Billing · 21/01/2023 18:39

I've been with my dp for 4 years. He's always been a moody type from the beginning, even his mother warned me about it when I first met her. We were together about a year when we had a huge row. I already have 3 kids from my previous marriage, my dp understandably wanted a child but as I was nearing 40 I didn't feel it was right for me also I didn't know how stable our new relationship was. Anyway I was direct with him and he walked out. During the time we were apart, I got some counselling as my confidence was shook. I started to get more confidence and my self esteem came up. We were apart for only 2 months but then he contacted me saying he wanted to get back with me and that he was now sure he didn't want a child and that I was enough. I took him back. For the next 2 years he lived in a different city so we only saw each other at weekends and the relationship really went well. He asked me about a year ago to reconsider having a child for him. I agreed because I didnt want to lose him again. We tried naturally and miscarried, then did 2 courses of IVF which both failed. We found out then that his sperm is bad. We decided to go one last time for IVF as we now knew the cause why the embryoes kept arresting. Because of my age now 44, i agreed to using donated eggs. Around this time, he decided to go back to college. He moved in with my kids and I. Again I started to see his mood swings. He makes "jokes" about me not exercising (he likes to keep fit) also about how I clean, how I parent, what groceries I buy, he doesn't help much around the house but is quick to point out all my short comings. We had a family function recently and my aunt had words with him as she felt he spoke to me disrespectfully. I think I'm so immune to it, I was surprised at someone else's reaction. It has now made me rethink things. I do not want to go ahead with the IVF. I'm 45 next birthday and I want to raise the 3 I already have the best I can instead of adding another child to the mix. We only have s☆x every now and again as he's always too tired. I feel like he's not attracted to me but he denies this. I'm paying for everything while he goes to college including the IVF. I just want him to be nice to me, to feel loved but I don't. If I bring any of this up, he goes off the deep end and will convince me I'm in the wrong. I will bring the IVF up in a few days as he's in a mood the past few days and I know it will escalate, I also know he will leave. My fear is he is using me for a) a baby and b) to get thru college. What do you think AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Billing · 21/01/2023 19:37

I know it sounds crazy, even reading it back I know I sound like a complete idiot. I can't explain where my head was at, I think I've just been on autopilot trying to do everything to please him I don't know why. Thank you for all your honest replies, I'm actually so embarrassed that I needed total strangers to tell me what I already knew in my gut. I will take action but I need him to come out of this mood. I realise now I am afraid of him even though he has never been physical with me.

OP posts:
ElizabethZott · 21/01/2023 19:43

You are paying presumably thousands for IVF with donated eggs for a baby you don't even want? Plus you are also supporting him financially too? This Is effectively taking money away from your existing children and limiting how much financial support (education, house deposits) you can give them in future.

Plus he does nothing around the house and you know that all the hard work with a baby will fall 100% to you - for a child that isn't even biologically yours.

He's not even grateful, he just criticises everything you do. He's a pathetic excuse for a man.and I can't believe your bar is set so low. Throw him back.

PinkiOcelot · 21/01/2023 19:47

Jesus OP put your DC first. They didn’t ask to live with this miserable, moody prick!

How much have your forked out on IVF? Money that would have been better spent on your DC.

ElizabethZott · 21/01/2023 19:59

You don't need to wait for him to come out of the mood. Just wait for him to leave the house then change the locks, take all his stuff round to his mum's and text him to let him know.

Don't let him dictate how you break up! Don't fall for any more of his sob stories.

Johnisafckface · 21/01/2023 19:59

This man doesn’t like you and once he gets his degree and finds a good job I bet he will be done with you.

NibbledSwitch · 21/01/2023 19:59

Work on your self-respect and raise your standards.

As others have suggested... chuck the cocklodger out !

Backstreets · 21/01/2023 20:02

He treats you shockingly poorly!!

Funkypickle · 21/01/2023 20:09

This is chilling. How old is he? Has he been working? Does he have a career? Does he have any assets ie anything to being to the table?

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/01/2023 20:15

Side note but I’m amazed it took 2 rounds of ivf for anyone to test his sperm. Aren’t basic checks part of the process?

You don’t need to wait for him to get out of his mood to kick him out. You’re making excuses.

And tbh next time a woman tells you her son who you’re dating is a twat please listen. Not your job to save poorly formed men, even less so when you have 3 children relying on you. This arsehole is an expensive pet you can’t afford. When you waver, remember how much you’ve taken from them to pursue this fantasy with him. Of course he’s using you and it’s not just you suffering, it’s your kids.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 21/01/2023 20:19

I just want him to be nice to me, to feel loved but I don't.

your standards are very low and he isnt even meeting them. It is good you have decided to throw him out and end this.

hennylovespens · 21/01/2023 20:28

He's the one keeping your self esteem low. Sack him off and you'll soar. It can be hard to see these things from the inside when you're in day to day survival mode. Things tend to gradually get worse too. Well done for getting support here before this gets way more complicated.

Original poster
Billing · 21/01/2023 20:39

Thank you all for your support. Just to answer some of your questions as I appreciate you all for taking the time to help. He's 38. He was working full time up until 6 months ago and now he's a full time student. We did undertake all the basic tests for ivf and his sperm count was low with poor motility which the clinic said can be treated with icsi, when it failed last time they told him to get a sperm fragmentation which showed high abnormality in sperm. I am going to sort out counselling for myself on Monday. I know it sounds like I am making excuses but I can't start something with the kids here it's not fair on them I will wait until Monday when they're in school.

OP posts:
Funkypickle · 21/01/2023 20:57

Good luck. You have to do what's best for you in your situation.

He sounds very immature and you're lucky to have seen this for what it is before another life is brought into the mix.

Does he have anywhere to go? If not, try not to let him linger and change your mind. He sounds like he may be able to manipulate you or the situation.

Counselling is a good idea. Well done for recognising that you will need some support and to help rebuild your confidence.

GlassBunion · 21/01/2023 21:06

OP, you really don't deserve to be made to feel the way that you do about him.

He really is using you and you almost seem so grateful of the few crumbs of humour and niceties that he's only throwing your way when you question him.

That he's mentioned marrying you whilst drunk is an enormous red flag as well.

Focus on you and your children.

He knows which way his bread is buttered. Suggest you turn it upside down, wipe the floor with it , look at the dirt and crumbs then bin it.

hopeahead · 21/01/2023 21:17

Good for you 👏🏻

unsync · 21/01/2023 21:45

He is abusive. He wants a baby with you as that will tie you to him and it gives him more control over you. Do not allow this. Please tell him to go.

DrManhattan · 21/01/2023 22:28

Why does anyone take on these projects.
Bin him the fuck off

HollaHolla · 21/01/2023 22:33

Get. Rid. He’s an emotionally abusive Cocklodger; and you can do so much better.

ShellsOnTheBeach · 21/01/2023 22:40

What were you thinking??!
4 years FFS.
Your poor children.

Invest in
a. An ISA for children's education
b. counselling for yourself
Instead of wasting your money on IVF for a child you don't even want.

Ablababla · 21/01/2023 22:46

You didn’t want a baby at 40 but having rounds of expensive IVF at 45? That’s madness. You can’t put yourself though that because of what someone else wants!

BronnauMawrion · 21/01/2023 22:46

There is not just one red flag here - your posts are like a field full of bunting!
You deserve so much more than what this man is providing. Your children too.

Heartsofstone · 21/01/2023 22:59

Omg pack his things … Monday after school run tell him it’s over, tell him anything but make him leave. You don’t need him. Imagine having a baby with this miserable man and he stays at home because you need the money and you have a job, he doesn’t he’s a student, he’s be primary carer .. you’d pay him maintenance! For a child that you knew deep down you didn’t want … Fuck that off right now.

Francisca459 · 21/01/2023 23:06

You are being treated like a complete doormat, and it has gone on so long that you don't even realise how bad it is. He brings nothing good to your life - nothing. You don't want another baby at 45! - you were going to put yourself through it for HIM. You are paying for everything and letting him rip you to bits, live off you and take the piss. What about your poor children who are already here in the world, and are already having to deal with living without a caring father and instead have watch this man-twat hanging off your apron strings?
This one is easy - Get rid of him NOW and for good.

Maddison12 · 21/01/2023 23:28

Wow, don't really know where to start here.

So your self esteem came back last time you split up with him, obviously that should tell you something.

You're paying for everything, including IVF, for a baby you didn't want but were railroaded into.

Seriously, just kick him out, build your self esteem up again. Basically paying a man to be with you, you're worth more than that.

Copperoliverbear · 21/01/2023 23:43

He's a cock lodger who only wants you to have a baby because then he feels he's got you as a meal ticket forever or if he goes of sulking, because you have his child, you will have him back.
Don't have unprotected sex with him and get rid of him.
People who love you don't treat you like this.