Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Friend husband and sexual assault

34 replies

user1471553275 · 21/01/2023 17:07

My friend told me almost 18 months ago that her husband had been charged with sexual assault crimes against two young women. The assaults occured some time ago and at the time were underage. For context he was well into adulthood so not an 18 year old (not that it would make it ok either). I've always felt that he did it if the police and courts we're pursuing it. She claimed it was just "two girls" say so. I get that she is his wife and it's a no win situation. She needs to support him as what if he was innocent but it's always made me feel like she's being taken for a fool. I think he's quite controlling and he belittles her.

At various points she's advised that just a few days prior to a court appearance he's only just found out about it. Again I feel he has lied to her. Surely you'd get more than 2-3 days notice if you needed to be on court? He's been convicted but plead guilty. She's still defending him and dismissing the women who were his victims. She indicated he confessed/plead guilty on the advice of his solicitor and due to significant circumstantial evidence. He's yet to be sentenced. From what I understand he won't go to prison.

I feel awful. I want to support my friend but I feel deeply uncomfortable that she is dismissing what happened to these women/teenagers. I feel angry that she's being so blind. Do innocent people plead guilty just to save people from a trial (as she claims). I don't think so. I think he didn't want her to hear what he did. At no point has he disclosed to her what he'd discussed with his solicitor etc. I get she's devastated but how can she believe that these "girls" as she refers to them have just made something up. They had nothing to gain.

OP posts:

Godlovesall26 · 21/01/2023 17:34

No one pleads guilty unless you’re Prince Andrew (not commenting on his situation as I have no clue if true/false except the royal pressure to settle to keep it quieter)

Average Joe would not, and be an absolute fool to.
If he’s not going to prison (I’m unsure how the hell not), he’s somehow managed a settlement. I’m not British, I’m unsure how precisely how your courts work.

I could never be friends with someone like that, if only the way she discussed it

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 21/01/2023 17:36

It sounds like she is living in denial.
She doesn't want to acknowledge what's happened and his guilt because a) it hurts her b) it'll blow her life apart c) she loves him d) she doesn't believe that he could do something like that
And probably loads of other reasons.

It's an awful position to be in. My BIL was convicted of a crime and half the time DH wants to kill him and the other half he's frantically trying to make sure BIL doesn't kill himself!

I assume her husband is going on a register too, won't they have to declare this if he's around other people's kids?
One day it'll hit her what he's done and how he's fucked their lives over and how disgusting he is. When that happens, shell need help to get away. Doesn't sound like she's there yet

CornishTiger · 21/01/2023 17:39

So she’s not even attended the hearing. Blind blind fool. Do they have children?

BabyOnBoard90 · 21/01/2023 17:40

She's burying her head in the sound. I would still be a voice of reason but be cautious of pushing too hard. She'll digest in her own time, especially once details come out in court.

Either that or she's lying to you to save face of her longterm knowledge.

LimeTwists · 21/01/2023 17:41

I think you can see transcripts of these kinds of court appearances so you can see exactly what he’s accused of. Maybe someone will correct je if I’m wrong. I’d look at that and decide if you can be friends with someone who is aware of that and is still defending him.

WeAreTheHeroes · 21/01/2023 17:45

He's pleaded guilty to avoid a full trial. Have you had a look at the court listings and local paper's website? Next step is sentencing by the sound of things. Depending on the severity of the offences he may well get a custodial sentence and he could well have lied about that too.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 21/01/2023 17:47

I used to work with sex offenders. Many of them claimed they were actually innocent but pleaded guilty on the advice of their solicitor in order to get a shorter sentence.

When I worked with other convicted prisoners, eg burglars, none of them claimed they had only pleaded guilty because their solicitor advised them to.

Your friend is in Denial.

Godlovesall26 · 21/01/2023 17:51

EmmaGrundyForPM · 21/01/2023 17:47

I used to work with sex offenders. Many of them claimed they were actually innocent but pleaded guilty on the advice of their solicitor in order to get a shorter sentence.

When I worked with other convicted prisoners, eg burglars, none of them claimed they had only pleaded guilty because their solicitor advised them to.

Your friend is in Denial.

True for the shorter sentence, yes, sorry for omission.
I was just theoretical as ‘friend’ said no prison ?

And no, I wouldn’t stay with a friend in whatever degree of denial or whatever, for these types of offenses.

Greenfairydust · 21/01/2023 17:56

Frankly your friend is a fool.

The only appropriate action here is to leave that man and have nothing more to do with him.

He assaulted two teenage girls and there is enough evidence for it to go to court and for him to be charged.

What more does she need?

I personally would distance myself from her. You can't support someone who is trying to find excuses for a sex offender.

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/01/2023 17:58

Did those young women even know each other?

BunchHarman · 21/01/2023 18:00

I’d tell her that innocent people do not plead guilty. If she continues with her ludicrous and offensive victim blaming, I’d end the friendship.

CountrysideHideaway · 21/01/2023 18:10

I’d have to share my feelings and thoughts with her as I’d be very concerned for her. If she was going to stand by him, I’d probably distance myself a bit as I couldn’t sit and listen to her deny it all. She’s another of his victims though so I’d let her know if she decides to leave, I’d support her in any way she needs.

IcakethereforeIam · 21/01/2023 18:11

I wonder if there a 'stages' type thing that women go through in these situations, like the stages of grief. If he's not been sentenced, could she go to that, doesn't the judge sum up the case prior to sentencing? I'd be tempted to encourage her to go. She might see his victims and recognise who she's been blindly defaming and lashing out at.

He's not changed he was an abusive man then and it sounds like he's still abusive with the belittling and controlling behaviour. I hope she gets away from him.

Original poster

user1471553275 · 21/01/2023 18:11

Thank you all. I feel so conflicted. She's my friend but I cannot believe she's being so blind. She has been since this all started and I get you have to believe your partner until proven otherwise but I feel that is now the case. I believe he may get a lighter sentence re not prison as a result of the plea. I don't think it's a kindness at all.

She was at the conviction and no details as he plead guilty. I only know what she's told me and I have seen some paperwork showing sexual assault (no details of what that entailed but to me it doesn't matter) and the same but on someone under 16. She told me what he told her it was and I've never believed it would get to court if only that. A handful of other people know and we are all of the view that she's being naive to the extreme.

She is absolutely burying her head in the sand and I thought she'd open her eyes once the case was sorted one way or the other. If he was innocent then fair enough.

I don't believe she's lying. I think she has told me everything she knows and I don't think he's been remotely honest with her.

He has got to go on the register and they do have children. I get people do bad things and it's not the fault of family. It's her dismissal of the women that I'm struggling with. They were victims and it's wrong. I'm shocked she's making out like he's been stitched up. My heart is breaking for her as my friend but also I can't get my head round how she can defend it all.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1471553275 · 21/01/2023 18:14

I believe the two women did know one another but I still don't believe her logic that they've conspired together. It's historical and no gain as he's not famous. I don't think anyone would just seek to destroy someone's life. He did it. And I wish she saw it.

OP posts:

Passportpondery · 21/01/2023 18:16

If he goes on the sex offenders register surely their children can no longer live with him?

dapsnotplimsolls · 21/01/2023 18:19

I assume she's blaming them to avoid blaming him? If he probably won't go to prison then she obviously wants to stay with him and has to find a way to justify this to herself - he's the 'innocent injured party', they're the 'evil liars'.

MilkshakesBringAllTheCoosToTheYard · 21/01/2023 18:25

dapsnotplimsolls · 21/01/2023 18:19

That's such a good way of putting it. Believing them means ripping her life apart and she's not ready to do that. Maybe she never will. But the only way to go on as she is, is to disbelieve, disbelieve, disbelieve and blame, blame, blame.

Of course, every beat of our society supports that so it's easy enough to do.

My friends are my ride or die; I'll always support them but I don't know if I could by extension support him by going along with this fiction. You could say 'I don't believe him, I believe the women, that means we can't talk about certain things if we're to continue being friends' but if you do that I'm certain she'll cut you out because she needs everyone around her to maintain the fiction that her husband is blameless.

It's fucking shit being a woman sometimes.

Bowsersfightnight · 21/01/2023 18:25

I would personally really really struggle to stay friends with her OP. No she didn’t do it and yes it’s a very very difficult situation, she’s clearly in deep denial however I could not be friends with someone who dismissed these women who were children when assaulted.

Maybe I’m being overly sensitive due to my own traumas but I couldn’t look past it personally. If she accepts it and stops supporting him I would support her as best I could but not if she remained standing by him.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 21/01/2023 18:26

Bad friend or not, I couldn’t support her. And I’d have to tell her why.

Bowsersfightnight · 21/01/2023 18:28

I would also be thinking about the women who have been assaulted. Seeing their abuser supporting by a loving wife standing by his side must be really tough for them.

soundsystem · 21/01/2023 18:31

So... he sexually assaulted a girl under 16, a child? Surely social services will want to see that she's keeping her children safe? How old are they? Girls/boys? Even if he's not a risk to them directly surely they'll be ostracised - no-one would let their teenage daughter found a friends house when the dads on the sec offenders register?!

NoDairyNoProblem · 21/01/2023 18:40

I could never be in his company again or hear what a great misunderstood guy he was so unfortunately the friendship would go if my friend stuck her head in the sand.

Sex offenders register isn’t something done on a whim. He pleaded guilty to seek leniency.

Greenshake · 21/01/2023 18:44

Passportpondery · 21/01/2023 18:16

If he goes on the sex offenders register surely their children can no longer live with him?

Not necessarily, there are several things that would factor in this decision.

LemonSqueezy0 · 21/01/2023 18:45

I've seen numerous women stand by men in these situations, and they do want to maintain their lifestyle and life plan regardless. They attend court with them, hear all the details and still stand by them. In and of itself it's not actually an unusual situation. But I couldn't be friends with someone who could bury their head in the sand that much. I would never trust them or their judgement again.

Id make it clear she would have my support if she ever left him, but until then the friendship would be on the back burner.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread