Friend husband and sexual assault

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My friend told me almost 18 months ago that her husband had been charged with sexual assault crimes against two young women. The assaults occured some time ago and at the time were underage. For context he was well into adulthood so not an 18 year old (not that it would make it ok either). I've always felt that he did it if the police and courts we're pursuing it. She claimed it was just "two girls" say so. I get that she is his wife and it's a no win situation. She needs to support him as what if he was innocent but it's always made me feel like she's being taken for a fool. I think he's quite controlling and he belittles her.

At various points she's advised that just a few days prior to a court appearance he's only just found out about it. Again I feel he has lied to her. Surely you'd get more than 2-3 days notice if you needed to be on court? He's been convicted but plead guilty. She's still defending him and dismissing the women who were his victims. She indicated he confessed/plead guilty on the advice of his solicitor and due to significant circumstantial evidence. He's yet to be sentenced. From what I understand he won't go to prison.

I feel awful. I want to support my friend but I feel deeply uncomfortable that she is dismissing what happened to these women/teenagers. I feel angry that she's being so blind. Do innocent people plead guilty just to save people from a trial (as she claims). I don't think so. I think he didn't want her to hear what he did. At no point has he disclosed to her what he'd discussed with his solicitor etc. I get she's devastated but how can she believe that these "girls" as she refers to them have just made something up. They had nothing to gain.

I really appreciate the replies. My husband is like "what if she sees this". I love her and want to support her but I can't support her on this. I get it's denial but to me it's a horrific crime. It's not something menial. I think I'm best to keep my distance. I've only ever asked her once if she thought he did it and she was adamant he wouldn't so no point in pushing it. I get her world would come crumbling down. My husband is much more sympathetic of what an awful position she's in. I said though would he be comfortable if we had a daughter that she went to their house or got a lift with him. He was clear, no he wouldn't.

Social services do have to be notified and I think the school. I feel bad for the kids too incase it gets out.

I fortunately have never been assaulted and just can't get my head around it. I appreciate the measured responses that what I'm feeling is normal. I'll keep my distance and if she presses I'll be honest. I feel wholly uncomfortable about it and her support for him. If she ever sees this (I don't think she's on Mumsnet) and realises it's me I'll have to be upfront. His sentencing isn't for a while. Honestly....I wish he was going to prison. For the women and perhaps as her chance for escape and to start over.

I have a friend who was in a similar situation. He lied and lied to her and he didn’t do it, then it was an admin error and then it wasn’t his fault etc etc. she believed everything he said right up until the day when he admitted it all - but again on,y because he had to fora more lenient result. She was devastated as she had believed him. She’s still with him and it’s all been swept under the carpet.

there is nothing you can say or do I’m afraid.

Please don't discount that she is in an abusive relationship that she feels she cannot get out of. I was in a similar situation with a man i was absolutely terrified of and had no option but to outwardly support him. It was a survival mechanism and actually probably the hardest thing to get over afterwards because i felt so much shame over it

It does sound like she's in denial. Her dismissal of what the girls went through will be driven by what he has told her (or withheld from her). She will believe he was set up because it's what he told her and she wants to believe he couldn't be capable of doing it because if she does accept it's true then she will have to accept her whole life with him was a huge lie. She's not ready for that yet. Don't be surprised if other things come to light as well. I think you need to decide how this sits with you. I'd be distancing myself and I say this through experience. I once knew a man who suddenly got taken to court accused is sexually assaulting 2 young girls. Of course they were lying and both set him up because he refused to give them money etc. I then did my own research and found out he was jailed previously for sexually assaulting a young girl. He went back to prison obviously. Most people distanced themselves but some remained in denial even then. Denial is a powerful thing and even when everyone else sees it clear as day people like your friend still won't accept it. You may find she will start to realise the details don't add up and start asking questions herself eventually but all the time he is filling her head with his version it is unlikely she will question the details.

Sounds like your friendship is over and you already know that, if you’re asking on a chat group. It’s hard to decide that you don’t want to be friends with someone anymore. Especially if you’re close enough for them to tell you their husband is a convicted paedophile and that they believe his story.

I’m not sure I would even explain to her, it doesn’t sound like she would listen anyway. I would just not be available and if I saw her just say I’m late for an appointment.

I had a friend who worked with sex offenders and have done some research in the subject - even when they are caught and when they can tell you rape is wrong and admit what they did, they will claim that they are not guilty and really genuinely seem to believe this. I am guessing that your friend is around some pretty believable sounding stuff. And to be honest, if a family member is accused of something and denies it, isnt our first instinct to believe them? Especially if our whole life would be destroyed if we had to disbelieve them? I am not condoning her dismissal of the women, or excusing him - just trying to understand why she is so much in denial. I would set a limit though - like I couldnt be around her while she was with him, that you care about her and will be there for her in the future if that changes. But that you think she is making a bad decision.

I don’t think I could be friends with a woman who defended a man who attacked 2 children, but then I was abused as a child myself so that’s for the sake of my own mental health.

I would walk away and tell her exactly why. Those poor kids will be ostracised at school if she stands by this sex offender. I would never blame kids for the sins of the father, but would never ever let my children round their house or want them at a party etc...... just incase they came into contact with this bastard. If she doesn't cut him off she could well find herself very lonely which is sad but also of her own making.

I’ve been in a similar situation although the assault was not as severe by the sound of it. I can’t say too much more as it’s very outing but she’s never seen the light and still believes him to be the victim. He got away with it and from where I’m looking at things doesn’t appeared to have changed his ways.