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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this sexist?

27 replies

LizTrussesLettuce · 21/01/2023 09:29

Otherwise lovely dh has an annoying habit of using the words 'nagging' and 'ranting' when I ask him for things. Admittedly I do often have to ask more than once because things never get done the first time. I did make him aware of this.

It's got to the point where I find it really demeaning and irritating. I asked him if he'd use those words in the workplace if asked to do something especially if it was by another man. No answer.

Aibu to think it's sexist and belittling to use these words? It makes me feel like some sort of fish wife. Is that the point?

OP posts:
C1N1C · 21/01/2023 09:31

He wouldn't use those words at work because he has metrics and KPIs... if someone had to keep asking him to do things, there'd be consequences.

It's not sexist though. Men can nag women just as easily.

KangarooKenny · 21/01/2023 09:32

Yes, it really shuts the little wife up when you call her a nag.

Aprilx · 21/01/2023 09:35

I can understand you think it is demeaning and belittling, but no, I don’t think nagging or ranting are sexist terms.

Mamamia7962 · 21/01/2023 09:38

It's not sexist as men can and do nag and rant. It's difficult to say whether you are being unreasonable by keeping on at him without further context.

TheGuv1982 · 21/01/2023 09:41

Not on there own, no.

Original poster
LizTrussesLettuce · 21/01/2023 09:42

It is a term that seems to be more attributed to women though isn't it. You don't often hear a man accuse another man of nagging. It just makes me feel like my point is trivial or annoying.

OP posts:
Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 21/01/2023 09:43

Hmmm men are rarely called a nag - it is a word that has been mainly used about women to belittle them and diminish what it is they are asking for.

Luredbyapomegranate · 21/01/2023 09:48

I don’t think the words are intrinsically sexist, but they can be sexist in a context. Nagging often is, ranting not really.

In your case it sounds like they are because you’ve fallen into a pattern with your husband where you hold domestic responsibilities and he gets told to help
with stuff.

Change this at the root - divvy up
responsibilities and let him get on with it. You’ve hit a nerve because he’s realised he wouldn’t talk to a colleague the way he does you - of course work is different, but I think you have a moment here, so use it.

KangarooKenny · 21/01/2023 11:05

Take away the colleague bit, would he speak to anyone else that way, neighbour/friend/child/sibling/parent ?

Forestfire12345 · 21/01/2023 11:08

Yes. In this context definitely sexist and stereotyping . Arsehole

BitOutOfPractice · 21/01/2023 11:09

I think nag is most definitely sexist. Rant not so much.

Anyone thinking it’s not needs to look up ‘scold’s bridle’.

Incognitomum11 · 21/01/2023 11:11

Yes 100% sexist, not sure about ranting but nagging is definitely meant to shame women into silence

yousmellnice · 21/01/2023 11:20

Yes. His attitude sucks.

Thelnebriati · 21/01/2023 11:45

Admittedly I do often have to ask more than once because things never get done the first time.

Needing to repeat yourself because you are being ignored is not something you need to 'admit'. He's in the wrong, and being nasty about it.

selck · 21/01/2023 12:24

When my partner used to tell me to stop nagging, I'd say "I'll stop nagging when you not giving me things to nagging about." He doesn't do it anymore.

Shoxfordian · 21/01/2023 12:44

He sounds like a knob
Has he always been like this?

Johnnypiratesfriend · 21/01/2023 12:47

He calls it nagging.
I call it do it the first time d**k head!

PAFMO · 21/01/2023 12:48

I'd say "nag" has definite misogynistic tones. "rant" doesn't.

Moser85 · 18/03/2023 18:05

Nag definitely has misogynistic vibes.

The main context for when it's used seems to be when a woman has to repeatedly ask/remind a man to do something, often it's something that also benefits him and his family but he just won't do it.

And you're 100% right OP, I bet he wouldn't say it to a man.

RunTowardsTheLight · 18/03/2023 18:10

How about if you say "just do it the first time I fucking ask you then" every time he accuses you of nagging him?

unsync · 18/03/2023 19:04

Nag yes. It's to shut you down.

Burgoo · 18/03/2023 19:45

No. Words have meaning that we attribute to them. I think this is more about you and the word than his intentions in using it. I frequently use the term with men, women and children. Anyone that gets on my case about something repeatedly is a nag to me.

Nagging is an action, a behaviour. If you repeatedly go on and on at someone about something you are nagging. That isn't good or bad, its just a behaviour. Your interpretation of the word is the problem here. It irks you (possibly) because you associate nagging with "bad".

Burgoo · 18/03/2023 19:46

@RunTowardsTheLight "How about if you say "just do it the first time I fucking ask you then" every time he accuses you of nagging him?"

That certainly wouldn't make me any more inclined to do what you wanted TBH. My response would probably be "do it your fucking self!"

Moser85 · 18/03/2023 19:59

Burgoo · 18/03/2023 19:45

No. Words have meaning that we attribute to them. I think this is more about you and the word than his intentions in using it. I frequently use the term with men, women and children. Anyone that gets on my case about something repeatedly is a nag to me.

Nagging is an action, a behaviour. If you repeatedly go on and on at someone about something you are nagging. That isn't good or bad, its just a behaviour. Your interpretation of the word is the problem here. It irks you (possibly) because you associate nagging with "bad".

Words don't just have the meaning we attribute to them.
The other persons intent matters too.

For example, I don't really care about the word 'cunt' even though I know many other people think it's the most highly offensive word out there.

But when my ex said it to me when I was heavily pregnant he specifically chose that word for maximum damage to express just how much he hated me at that moment.

Someone might use the term nag to describe a behaviour, but others use it to try to shut their partner up. Often when they're not even nagging. Or they use it to belittle the person.

MelchiorsMistress · 18/03/2023 20:04

It’s not sexist and you don’t have an automatic right to expect him to do whatever you ask whenever you ask it.

Maybe you are nagging him. We don’t know. It all depends what you’re asking him to do.