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Original poster

Holiday for coparent

49 replies

Wilish · 20/01/2023 13:54

My ex partner and father of our 3 year old twins will only see the boys on his terms.

He won't have them if I want to go away on holiday, but he can go away and do what he wants whenever he wants. I feel like I'm still living my life by his terms. I hardly get any free time with my new partner and its making things really difficult. Am I unreasonable to want a holiday without the children.

OP posts:
FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 20/01/2023 13:56

No, but you can't make him have them if he won't.

BuffaloCauliflower · 20/01/2023 14:03

Do you have a court order for agreed access?

Original poster
Wilish · 20/01/2023 14:06

No we sort out arrangements between ourselves. But everything has to be on his terms. If I ask for a specific date (as I also have a life) he always says no. I'm really thinking about going down the court order route but need to read more about it.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/01/2023 14:06

You need to set out a schedule with him, so that everyone knows where they stand. Then his time is his time, and yours is yours.

You can apply to the court to make an order, but they cannot order him to see them more than he wants, only for you to make them available.

You can also go for mediation before apply to a court.

I think the way to go about it would be as thought starting from point zero and say, “I think we should make a schedule (or whatever) to make sure you get to spend time with the kids”. So you kind of turn it into him wanting to see them, and you saying “oh well I’m happy for you to see them but we need a schedule”, and then he will think “oh she’s stopping me seeing the kids” and you need to go to mediation (and possibly court) to resolve. Then they’ll say set a schedule.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/01/2023 14:07

This is not me recommending you withhold contact but rather approaching the whole thing from a different angle

Original poster
Wilish · 20/01/2023 14:11

He works shifts so only has 1 weekend off per month. There is no specific days when he sees the boys. We use a shared calender and he put on there when he is available see the boys. He has them roughly every 2-3 weeks for either 1 or 2 nights. I asked for a week in July he originally agreed (this was about 4 months ago) and I booked a holiday. He is now saying he won't have the boys that week. It's like he wants to be in control of what I can do and when

OP posts:
Ndhdiwntbsivnwg · 20/01/2023 14:12

I mean depends who is the primary carer, It sucks but it it’s not a court ordered 50-50 and you’re the primary carer, this is what it is, It sucks that you had 3 kids with an asshole, but I’d wager your nee partner isn’t much better if the kids are causing issues
What do you think would have happened if you’d have your family still together? Who would look after the kids then? Since their dad is already living with you….

Original poster
Wilish · 20/01/2023 14:12

OK any suggestions welcome please

OP posts:
Ndhdiwntbsivnwg · 20/01/2023 14:13

Correction 2 kids, regardless….

SpinningFloppa · 20/01/2023 14:14

You can’t make him have them, even a court won’t so don’t go there! (Court only make you make them available) if it makes you feel any better my ex has never once had our children overnight in 6 years so could always be worse, can’t force someone to parent unfortunately.

Pumasocks · 20/01/2023 14:14

Do you have no other childcare options?

Id be giving the kids to someone else and going down a court order route in the meantime

SpinningFloppa · 20/01/2023 14:15

Pumasocks · 20/01/2023 14:14

Do you have no other childcare options?

Id be giving the kids to someone else and going down a court order route in the meantime

For what? Court can’t make him have them

Hillarious · 20/01/2023 14:15

I never had a holiday without my children until the youngest was 16.

Clymene · 20/01/2023 14:16

Most parents don't get holidays without their kids. That's what being a parent is unfortunately.

However, you need to go to court and get a court order. He's controlling you via your kids.

Original poster
Wilish · 20/01/2023 14:17

I'm sorry to hear that.

My boys are available for him to see when he wants. But he is selfish and prioritises timevwith his new gf than time with his kids

OP posts:
Original poster
Wilish · 20/01/2023 14:19

I get that. I just don't understand why he only wants them 1 or 2 nights at a time (he hasn't seem them in 18 days) I'd miss them terribly if that was me.

OP posts:
DoNotGetADog · 20/01/2023 14:20

He is being unreasonable, yes, of course. However, if you and he were still together, would you be going on holiday and leaving your 3 year old twins with someone else?

I know people do go away without their young kids, but it’s not usual and it’s not as if every parent expects to be able to go on holiday without their kids and you’re being deprived of it.

Jimboscott0115 · 20/01/2023 14:22

There's two points I think

You need to sort (or try to) a schedule with their dad. At least attempt it but as others have said, you can't force him. I assume he's paying maintanence given how little he sees them?

Secondly, I do actually think it's slightly unreasonable to want to go on holiday without your kids. When you have children, one of the things that you have to accept is at least when they're younger - holidays always include them. Your new partner has met someone who has two young kids.. they need to accept that and the restrictions it brings to a relationship.

This particular situation is shit because your ex has apparently agreed to something and backed out, but I think unless a schedule gets put in place, or he becomes more reliable, then you're going to either have to plan 1/2 night breaks with your partner when your ex actually has the kids, or do a holiday with them included. There's no other options OP.

wildseas · 20/01/2023 14:24

When my ex was buggering about with contact a friend who had been through a similar thing gave me some really good advice.

1/ Whatever change he makes, act like it was your preference anyway. So, if he says "I'm not having Fred on Tuesday night now" you say "No worries - that works perfectly for me actually because I was wishing he could come to the cinema with me". If he says "I'm going to be 3 hours late today" reply with "thats lucky - I was running late but now we'll be home in time".

2/ Never tell him why you want him to have contact. Arrange x amount of weeks holiday with him in advance for him and the kids to spend time together. Don't tell him you're going on holiday, or if you have to tell him once the kids are with him.

3/ Reply to any changes with the kids feelings and not your own. EG "I'm not going to have them this summer now" "That's a shame - they'll be really disappointed"

4/ In all interactions pretend that your preferred solution is that kids are with you 100% and that any time they spend with him is a compromise on your part.

Hopefully once he realises that he's not affecting you, and is only affecting the kids, then he'll get a lot more balanced with it......

Good luck!

saltinesandcoffeecups · 20/01/2023 14:37

OP, why wouldn’t you do the same thing every other parent does, take your kids with you on holiday or sort out childcare.

You are giving your EX the power to control you. If you hand that over you can’t be surprised that he wields it.

FUEWC · 20/01/2023 14:46

Wilish · 20/01/2023 14:17

I'm sorry to hear that.

My boys are available for him to see when he wants. But he is selfish and prioritises timevwith his new gf than time with his kids

… isn’t this literally a thread about how you want to have a holiday without your kids (presumably with the partner you complain you hardly get time with).

BadNomad · 20/01/2023 14:50

Stop him seeing them. Make him take you to court. He'll have to agree to a set schedule then (although he won't be forced to stick to it).

Original poster
Wilish · 20/01/2023 14:51

No the holiday is just an example of his selfishness and control. He agrees to have the boys then takes it back.

OP posts:
Coffeellama · 20/01/2023 14:54

BadNomad · 20/01/2023 14:50

Stop him seeing them. Make him take you to court. He'll have to agree to a set schedule then (although he won't be forced to stick to it).

Don’t do this. It is a wrong to stop your children from seeing their fathers, possibly forever if he doesn’t go down the court route, so that you can holiday without them.

BadNomad · 20/01/2023 14:57

Coffeellama · 20/01/2023 14:54

Don’t do this. It is a wrong to stop your children from seeing their fathers, possibly forever if he doesn’t go down the court route, so that you can holiday without them.

Show quote history

It's not about a holiday. It's about how her life is being controlled by him. He can ignore his children until it suits him, then she is expected to comply.

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