Page 2 | Holiday for coparent

Wilish · 2023-01-20T13:54:09+00:00

My ex partner and father of our 3 year old twins will only see the boys on his terms. He won't have them if I want to go away on holiday, but he can go away and do what he wants whenever he wants. I feel like I'm still living my life by his terms. I hardly get any free time with my new partner and its making things really difficult. Am I unreasonable to want a holiday without the children.

Coffeellama · 20/01/2023 15:00

BadNomad · 20/01/2023 14:57

It's not about a holiday. It's about how her life is being controlled by him. He can ignore his children until it suits him, then she is expected to comply.

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Still wrong to stop the kids seeing him all together though.

raffegiraffe · 20/01/2023 15:01

wildseas · 20/01/2023 14:24

When my ex was buggering about with contact a friend who had been through a similar thing gave me some really good advice.

1/ Whatever change he makes, act like it was your preference anyway. So, if he says "I'm not having Fred on Tuesday night now" you say "No worries - that works perfectly for me actually because I was wishing he could come to the cinema with me". If he says "I'm going to be 3 hours late today" reply with "thats lucky - I was running late but now we'll be home in time".

2/ Never tell him why you want him to have contact. Arrange x amount of weeks holiday with him in advance for him and the kids to spend time together. Don't tell him you're going on holiday, or if you have to tell him once the kids are with him.

3/ Reply to any changes with the kids feelings and not your own. EG "I'm not going to have them this summer now" "That's a shame - they'll be really disappointed"

4/ In all interactions pretend that your preferred solution is that kids are with you 100% and that any time they spend with him is a compromise on your part.

Hopefully once he realises that he's not affecting you, and is only affecting the kids, then he'll get a lot more balanced with it......

Good luck!

This is great advice.
My friend has a horrible ex and she did a very similar response and it gradually improved the situation for her. He just wanted to be mean to her

BadNomad · 20/01/2023 15:05

Coffeellama · 20/01/2023 15:00

Still wrong to stop the kids seeing him all together though.

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It won't stop him seeing them. Men like that won't be told no. He won't give up control.

Pumasocks · 20/01/2023 15:07

FUEWC · 20/01/2023 14:46

… isn’t this literally a thread about how you want to have a holiday without your kids (presumably with the partner you complain you hardly get time with).

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Do you really not see the difference between a NRP who sees them a handful of days a week and a parent who is stuck with the kids all the time wanting some alone time?

Original poster

Wilish · 20/01/2023 15:30

Thank you BadNorman

OP posts:

Original poster

Wilish · 20/01/2023 15:32

FYI....I'd never ever stop my ex partner seeing his kids, the boys need him in their life.

OP posts:

EmmaDilemma5 · 20/01/2023 15:33

Why wouldn't you want to take your kids? They're a wonderful age to take away. Hard work, yes, but they'll love it.

Having a new boyfriend doesn't mean you live the single life you had before kids. Having said that, same goes for your ex.

LlynTegid · 20/01/2023 16:11

Sadly I think this may end up needing a court order. If it comes to that you can argue that you have tried.

Men (and if it happens women) who are unco-operative or awkward about child care and access arrangements when separated should face a sanction in extreme cases. The best one would be to withdraw their passport for a period of time.

SleeplessInEngland · 20/01/2023 16:17

Why wouldn't you want to take your kids? They're a wonderful age to take away. Hard work, yes, but they'll love it.

This is much bigger than the OP's holiday. The 'he can see them whenever suits him/not see them whenever suits him' arrangement isn't viable long term.

DinosWillGetYou · 20/01/2023 16:37

Nothing useful to add but I feel for you OP, I have an ex like this. Ten years after split and everything is still on his terms. Infuriating isn’t it

neverbeenskiing · 20/01/2023 16:44

Sadly I think this may end up needing a court order.

A court cannot force OP's ex to have the kids while she goes on holiday. The court also cannot force him to have them on a more regular basis if he doesn't want to. It just means she has to facilitate access.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 20/01/2023 16:51

Find a babysitter
Once ex sees you can have your freedom after all he may stop trying to continue to control you op...

TheFormidableMrsC · 20/01/2023 16:56

I really feel for you. As separated parents I don't think it's at all unreasonable to expect to have the odd child free holiday! Completely reasonable. Of course this is all about controlling you. I would definitely follow the advice of allowing him to think he's not actually inconveniencing you. Best way to deal with dicks like this.

In terms of court, you can get a contact order very easily. However, the order is a moot point in my experience. Having been dragged through the court system by my ex husband over a period of years (he regularly abandoned for two years at a time, completely uncontactable, and then made court applications citing parental alienation 🙄), if your ex as the respondent doesn't want to follow it, that's entirely up to him. Of course if you didn't make them available, he could drag you back. The whole thing is a joke. I had what I thought was a water tight order with contact days and times agreed between ex, me and Cafcass. As soon as we got out of court, ex texted me to say he wouldn't be cancelling contact for the entire summer holidays as he'd be away. Didn't mention that in court! The whole thing was designed to control and make my life difficult. Thankfully he has no contact now. So give it some thought before you press ahead.

Cheesetoastiesz · 20/01/2023 16:58

Yanbu to want a holiday without the kids, DH and I make sure to have at least one trip a year alone, and have done since they were born.

Do you have any family that can look after them for the duration of the holiday if their father won’t sort himself out?

TheFormidableMrsC · 20/01/2023 16:58

"Would" be cancelling. Damned autocorrect!

BethDuttonsTwin · 20/01/2023 17:02

wildseas · 20/01/2023 14:24

When my ex was buggering about with contact a friend who had been through a similar thing gave me some really good advice.

1/ Whatever change he makes, act like it was your preference anyway. So, if he says "I'm not having Fred on Tuesday night now" you say "No worries - that works perfectly for me actually because I was wishing he could come to the cinema with me". If he says "I'm going to be 3 hours late today" reply with "thats lucky - I was running late but now we'll be home in time".

2/ Never tell him why you want him to have contact. Arrange x amount of weeks holiday with him in advance for him and the kids to spend time together. Don't tell him you're going on holiday, or if you have to tell him once the kids are with him.

3/ Reply to any changes with the kids feelings and not your own. EG "I'm not going to have them this summer now" "That's a shame - they'll be really disappointed"

4/ In all interactions pretend that your preferred solution is that kids are with you 100% and that any time they spend with him is a compromise on your part.

Hopefully once he realises that he's not affecting you, and is only affecting the kids, then he'll get a lot more balanced with it......

Good luck!

This is really good advice.

JudgeRudy · 20/01/2023 17:23

How much does he add to the children's lives? If not much I'd be inclined to formalise the arrangement. He will likely fault on the agreement and if he does this a few times you may have grounds for cutting him out of their life. Of course he could man up and and build on the relationship.
The other alternative is to carry on as you are if there's something worth hanging onto.
Changing him is not within your power I'm afraid.

MeridianB · 20/01/2023 17:30

I like @wildseas approach as it takes the fun out of his controlling behaviour.

I was thinking court order, but it's worth noting that many Mumsnetters report that nothing/little happens when an ex ignores a court order. I'm not suggesting you don't try, but it's just not a panacea.

It sounds like you're in for an ongoing bumpy ride with contact. Can you avoid telling your boys in advance, so they don't get excited and then disappointed.

In terms of time away from them, it's sad, but it sounds like alternative childcare options are essential here.

Mostly, I hope you rinse your loathsome ex for every single penny of maintenance you can.

MeridianB · 20/01/2023 17:32

PS It's admirable that you describe yourself as a co-parent in your OP title. The reality is that he's a about as reliable as a tax rebate. Just pointing this out as you deserve the credit!

gogohmm · 20/01/2023 17:41

It sounds partly that he has a job with antisocial shifts, he doesn't always know his availability but with the holiday he's being awkward, is he jealous you have a partner?

Clymene · 20/01/2023 17:46

wildseas · 20/01/2023 14:24

When my ex was buggering about with contact a friend who had been through a similar thing gave me some really good advice.

1/ Whatever change he makes, act like it was your preference anyway. So, if he says "I'm not having Fred on Tuesday night now" you say "No worries - that works perfectly for me actually because I was wishing he could come to the cinema with me". If he says "I'm going to be 3 hours late today" reply with "thats lucky - I was running late but now we'll be home in time".

2/ Never tell him why you want him to have contact. Arrange x amount of weeks holiday with him in advance for him and the kids to spend time together. Don't tell him you're going on holiday, or if you have to tell him once the kids are with him.

3/ Reply to any changes with the kids feelings and not your own. EG "I'm not going to have them this summer now" "That's a shame - they'll be really disappointed"

4/ In all interactions pretend that your preferred solution is that kids are with you 100% and that any time they spend with him is a compromise on your part.

Hopefully once he realises that he's not affecting you, and is only affecting the kids, then he'll get a lot more balanced with it......

Good luck!

This is brilliant advice. Should be a pinned post!

PositiveLife · 20/01/2023 17:49

wildseas · 20/01/2023 14:24

When my ex was buggering about with contact a friend who had been through a similar thing gave me some really good advice.

1/ Whatever change he makes, act like it was your preference anyway. So, if he says "I'm not having Fred on Tuesday night now" you say "No worries - that works perfectly for me actually because I was wishing he could come to the cinema with me". If he says "I'm going to be 3 hours late today" reply with "thats lucky - I was running late but now we'll be home in time".

2/ Never tell him why you want him to have contact. Arrange x amount of weeks holiday with him in advance for him and the kids to spend time together. Don't tell him you're going on holiday, or if you have to tell him once the kids are with him.

3/ Reply to any changes with the kids feelings and not your own. EG "I'm not going to have them this summer now" "That's a shame - they'll be really disappointed"

4/ In all interactions pretend that your preferred solution is that kids are with you 100% and that any time they spend with him is a compromise on your part.

Hopefully once he realises that he's not affecting you, and is only affecting the kids, then he'll get a lot more balanced with it......

Good luck!

This is really good advice. There's really no point getting a court order as it won't force him to have them.

wildseas · 20/01/2023 17:51

Clymene · 20/01/2023 17:46

This is brilliant advice. Should be a pinned post!

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Thank you :-) I'd love to take the credit but I'd never have thought to take that approach if my friend hadn't suggested it. I was spending wasting my time trying to talk about what was best for the kids and having rows about his poor decision making. Its (mostly) much better now.

KickHimInTheCrotch · 20/01/2023 17:54

wildseas · 20/01/2023 14:24

When my ex was buggering about with contact a friend who had been through a similar thing gave me some really good advice.

1/ Whatever change he makes, act like it was your preference anyway. So, if he says "I'm not having Fred on Tuesday night now" you say "No worries - that works perfectly for me actually because I was wishing he could come to the cinema with me". If he says "I'm going to be 3 hours late today" reply with "thats lucky - I was running late but now we'll be home in time".

2/ Never tell him why you want him to have contact. Arrange x amount of weeks holiday with him in advance for him and the kids to spend time together. Don't tell him you're going on holiday, or if you have to tell him once the kids are with him.

3/ Reply to any changes with the kids feelings and not your own. EG "I'm not going to have them this summer now" "That's a shame - they'll be really disappointed"

4/ In all interactions pretend that your preferred solution is that kids are with you 100% and that any time they spend with him is a compromise on your part.

Hopefully once he realises that he's not affecting you, and is only affecting the kids, then he'll get a lot more balanced with it......

Good luck!

Definitely agree with this. It's all about the subtleties of how you approach it and using the psychology to your advantage. I always get my way with ex because he is incredibly simple and I think 2 steps ahead.