AIBU to pull DD out of nursery until she's older

[chocolatebuttonlover]

DD currently attends nursery one full day a week, she's 18 months nearly.

I was really happy with the quality of care she was getting when she was in the baby room (as she started at 12 months) but since she moved up to the older room, I feel that care has diminished.

I posted the other day that she'd sat in another child's explosive nappy that had got on the floors, which bothered me (not only because it's grim) but also because that meant that a key worker (or two?) weren't watching either my child or the child with the exploded nappy that was wandering around getting it on the surfaces?!

The room always feels chaotic when I arrive and over the last few weeks DD has been in the corner, not being watched or played with - when I arrive to get her.

The girls there are lovely but the turnover is insanely high, they're under massive strain and I feel like I don't trust them with my baby anymore!

My parents have now offered to do that extra day of childcare in replacement of the day of nursery - but wondering how long we should do this before I need to think about sending her back again to a childcare setting.

I have real concerns about her not getting social interaction so always take her to soft play/ groups / friends etc on my day off with her, and DM has promised she'll do the same, but at what age do I need to think again?

I'll be on Mat leave from June so was thinking that I could start DD up again at nursery when she's nearly 3, and also put the new baby in too - and find a new nursery or childminder that I'm happy with.

Would love to hear some experiences of people who've done similar or any advice if that age is too late for her to settle?

There's no such thing as too old to settle. I'd take her out and find a fun stimulating and safer class your mum can take her to rather than keep her here.

Hard to advise - mine didn't 'graduate' to the next room until 2, by which time she was a lot more sure of herself and could happily play on her own or with others, etc. The room does still feel chaotic though - I think that's just part of the package at that age. So maybe take yours out and try again in 6 months?

It sounds horrendous there. You have the option to change it for her so do it

Yes save your money and take her out.

Your plan sounds 👌 She doesn't 'need' to be in nursery at that age, especially if it isn't a positive environment and she will be getting better care and stimulation with you or her Granny x

Ex Nursery Manager here. Withdraw her without a second thought.
Sounds like a very poorly ran setting .

Just a quick one re whether it's too late to start nursery when older: my son started preschool at 4 having had a rubbish few months of trying nursery when he was 2 (covid hit,plans changed so we just pulled him out). He is apprehensive of new situations but took to preschool (5 days a week) like a duck to water.

I've just started my 3 year old at a nursery for a few mornings a week and she absolutely loves it too.

So, neither of them went to nursery when they were really young and they are flourishing.

I think there's a real pressure to put young children in nursery because everyone else does, but really at that age, they don't need socialisation - all they do is parallel play - they just need a loving primary caregiver. So if you're able to do it, I think that's great (nothing wrong with nursery, just saying that I felt that pressure/guilt/worry and I now look back and think it was so unnecessary).

That said,maybe look into a nursery with maybe half day settings- if one exists- purely to give you all breathing space when the baby comes! (Though again,I had mine together at home until elsedt was 4 and it was all good. I think I'm just influenced now as they are out of the house some mornings and I love it ;)

Why on earth would you keep her there, it sounds rubbish and your parents are happy to have her.

I’ve experienced three different nurseries with my kids and what you’ve described is very poor, I wouldn’t be happy at all with that.

My 19 month old has never been to nursery...I've intentionally been keeping her out as long as possible. Not until they're 2 or even 3 do they start to get the benefit of nursery. Your plan sounds great. Don't feel like you have to go to classes and soft play constantly either, they just ignore the other kids there.

Just to add sorry, I don't think nursery does them any harm if they go when they are younger! I just think they don't really need it.

I'd take her out. I'm a huge fan of nurseries, but only good ones and this one sounds rubbish. My two were at nursery full time from 6 months and this sort of thing would never have been allowed to happen at their place, nor would an 18 month old have been left alone in a corner somewhere. Take up your DM's offer and then use your mat leave to find a setting you are happy with.

If she goes to playgroups, soft play and has friends, I wouldn't worry about social interaction at 18 months, plenty of time for that.

I had twins - we were not going to have anymore, so I was a SAHM until they started reception. They didn't attend nursery until 3 but we had lots going on locally - playgroups, rhyme times, gymboree etc. Your child will be fine.

So the warning bells for me as a parent is high turnover of staff. That tells me it's not a good place to work and there are issues hence staff constantly leaving. Of staff aren't happy then it has a knock on effect to children and the care they receive.

If it was me I would pull her out then look around at other nurseries. I was never bothered by ofsted report but always asked about how long staff had worked there for (my SIL is a nursery deputy manager and she said this is key for knowing how a place is)

I’d take her out and wait until nearer three. If you’re going to playgroups and soft play then nursery isn’t necessary. My eldest went at 13 months as I was back at work but I’m a SAHM since my third DC so the middle one won’t go until 3. We go out to playgroups everyday for her to socialise and she’s far more confident and I think will settle far better into the school nursery than my eldest did.

If you’ll be on mat leave anyway it would be silly to keep her in. Toddler groups are plenty of socialisation at that age.

I had similar (with a pinch of lockdown added in). DD went to baby room 3 days a week at 9 months old and was perfectly fine. Went up to five days a week post-covid, still in baby room, all fine. Went into 2-3 room but this also coincided with me only needing her to go 2-3 days a week. She hated it, never settled and when they got very crap at letting parents know about illness in the room (I was on early may leave by then) we just pulled her out.

I had her at home and did loads of groups and general out and about while her sister was small, babies in slings are easy and welcome at these kinds of things! I've just started her at preschool at 3.5 expecting a repeat of the toddler room nightmare, albeit elsewhere, and she's loved it.

I'd do the same again for sure, no need to pay nursery fees if you're happy and able with poddling around juggling and amusing two small children, and preschool seems much more organised a d settled than a room full of 2-3 who will have wildly varying levels of language, toilet training, and social skills.

I totally get that others might need the space and peace of the eldest carrying on at nursery though, I was blessed with a laid back and easy second child so she just went along with everything, for the most part.

She will be absolutely fine with you and your mum caring for her. She doesn't need "socialisation" at nursery. She needs regular, stimulating contact with her primary carers, so what you're doing already at home and with classes (and what you said your mum will also do) sounds perfect.

I don't live in the UK, kids here start school at 6, with one year of mandatory nursery a year before. Covid hit just before my son was 3, and with all the closures and masks etc over the next 2 years, we didn't sign him up to nursery until he had to go at 5 and a half. He has got on absolutely fine there, no issues whatsoever with settling, playing with other kids, wanting to go, or anything. They think he's just the sweetest little angel (different story at home though ).

Grab your parents' offer with both hands and don't look back!

I’m not anti-nursery, but this doesn’t sound like an environment I’d want a child in. I kept DD in nursery when I had DS to ensure she was getting some good age appropriate activities when I was too exhausted to do much, but I was confident she was safe and well cared for. It sounds like you’ve lost that confidence.

I’d be looking for another, better nursery instead. So important for kids to have that interaction

Doesn’t sound like a good place. I’d pull her out but maybe look for a playgroup/pre school type setting to keep her busy and give you some breathing space for when the new baby comes as it’ll be harder getting out as much initially. In our area there are lots of lovely places for over 2s but very little for younger ones.

I would absolutely take her out and place her with your parents who will love her and care for her as their own, you will not and do not get that in a nursery, and I work in them. Obviously that depends on the staff and there are some amazing staff, then there's also ones that are less amazing. I had my youngest dc in a private nursery when she was similar age and I totally regret it now as she hated it there. Had my parents been able to have her I'd have snapped their offer up and just put then in the care of others when she started school.

It sounds horrible OP, there are lots of lovely nurseries out there so I’d pull her out and start looking at other options.

If your parents can provide childcare go for it. Then send her to nursery when she's free. There's no such thing as to old to settled. My little girl didn't go to nursery till she was 3 due to me working shifts and my parents providing 1 day a week childcare and sometimes my in laws she loves going their homes and they love it too. At 3 went in no bother and loves it!
Do what's right for you! But that nursery does sound like a nightmare!

*three not free (I think I was going for the free child place and 3 at the same time!)

I wouldn’t keep her in that nursery but I don’t think I’d would want her to be at home full time or 4 days a week with a new baby. One of my friends did that and her newborn was a really challenging baby - the first 6 months were awful both for my friend and her older child.