The ADHD family - to think that our family life is complicated and people don't always get it

[FarStarAway]

It all started with our son being assessed for adhd and autism. The penny then dropped for me as I started exploring adhd in women and I got assessed too. My husband also displays clear signs of adhd and will also be getting assessed at some point. My husband and I also have long term clinical anxiety which obviously can be associated with adhd. Our dd is only 18 months but I worry about her too as she gets older. If we're all neurodiverse, is family life ever going to be straightforward?

As it is, we function (somehow) but life is very chaotic day to day despite us trying our best and we really do try. However, I think their are friends and family who don't get how difficult it is. Will neurodiversity be more widely understood one day? To our neurotypical friends/family we probably 'appear' dysfunctional and I feel like I sometimes trying to mask it in front of others.

Also with ADHD you have a whole host of other issues when it comes to other people.

Many people don't believe in it

Often they think it's to do with sugar/ junk food/ screen time.

They don't understand executive dysfunction. They see laziness.

Many of the traits are considered personality flaws or naughty behaviour.

I don’t think people will ever understand inattentive ADHD because it isn’t something they can see

I agree. I think having a "label" explains why someone behaves the way they do, but it is still very difficult to understand.

For example DH will open a cupboard or drawer then leave it open, or switch a light on and go out of the room and not switch the light off. He gets things out and doesn't put them back. His office is a mess because he puts everything on the floor and doesn't put them backthen can't find anything. We have a plug hole cover in our showers because they smell if we don't put them back over the plug hole after use, and DH always forgets to put the cover back in the en suite shower. I then notice it when I go into the bedroom which smells becasue the en suite stinks.

Now, to me, these are all automatic actions, like putting a seatbelt on when getting in the car, but DH doesn't compute.

Does this resonate with anyone?

What sort of understanding do you feel you are lacking? What is it you are wanting friends and family to do/say? To an extent YABU - no one ever really understands the challenges other people/families face. There isn't the time, let alone the inclination.

Wrong. I know a mother and son who get PIP for ADHD

MN is an online forum and reading posts over many years whilst it is is open to all it is a bit of a self selecting group. People cutting off families at the drop of a hat, not answering the door, avoiding neighbours. Basically there is probably a higher proportion of introverts, ND people and socially anxious people on here. There are posts every week with people unable to make or not knowing how to make friends and being lonely.

@RampantIvy this is exactly my DH, he is extremely helpful but just scatters stuff about. a perfect example is he cannot tie his shoelaces if he is talking to someone.

I'm in my 50's now and looking back its obvious that some friends and family members were ND, it just wasnt talked about openly then.
A good friend was diagnosed ADHD in her 40's after her son was diagnosed.
Once that happened she made her life and work easier for herself by not trying to live to all of the pressures of what she calls NT life.

We are a neuro diverse family. Weird, slightly odd and very very happy in our states of semi organised chaos.

I understand my children and they understand me. I have always said to them I hope they can meet others who are weird and wonderful too.

My son recently met someone and it's his first relationship. One of my first questions was 'are they weird?' He assured me yes, they are.

Your normal isn't everyone's normal. If you are functioning and happy then it's nobody's business but yours.

You can definitely claim benefits for adhd, my friend does for her son.

op, adhd diagnoses are become more and more frequent. It wouldn’t surprise me if in future the labels neurotypical and neurodiverse were scrapped because of it. You’re not ‘typical’ if you’re only half the population for example. I think peoples understanding and acceptance of adhd will grow as we understand more and more about it.

This is my take on my families, sibling has severe autism, father showed signs of being on the spectrum, mother thinks she has ADHD, FIL behaved like he had mild autism, MIL has obsessive tendencies, putting things in a certain order and never stops cleaning. Another sibling seems NT, other eats small things on even numbers but fine other than that.
As a kid I didn't like stepping on pavement cracks and lines, ate the same meal each night, cried over certain foods having "bits" in. Labelled as difficult by aunties. Didn't like tags or seams in clothes, walked like I had high heels on (not after age 6), struggled with friendships. DH has a brother who appears to have autism (most of his siblings do except one). DH is also possibly on the spectrum and DD may need to get assessed (we are seeing how she goes because TikTok may be to blame for some behaviours). DS2 humming a lot and struggles with making friends. We are all very clever and socially awkward. I am not a qualified psychiatrist, so who knows what we are. We function, are happy and have a lot of respect and love for each other. For now that will do. Reading with interest.

When my dh was eventually awarded ESA, it wasn't 'for schizophrenia' but because of how his schizophrenia affected his life. Tbh that is the principle of the benefits system change of 15 years ago or so, that benefits aren't based on a diagnosis but on how you are affected and what help you need. It's a principle I agree with - if only it wasn't interpreted in such an incredibly damaging way by the system.

PIP isn’t awarded based on any diagnosis as people are affected differently, it’s impossible to compare sally and her son from up the street to myself for example. Even though we both have ADHD.

The ignorance around disability on this website is shocking. And using benefits as a way to bash the disabled… grim.

It's likely that people won't understand your exact difficulties, probably in the same way you won't fully understand theirs.
We're all different and we all have our shit to deal with, some more than others.

I don’t agree with “everyone seems to have something these days” but I think there is quite a lot of Dr Google based self-diagnosis nowadays with some parents deciding their child is ND without seeking professional advice. I’ve read threads on here where posters just know their 3 month old is ND based on a gut feeling, the baby gave a high pitched scream, the 1 year old doesn’t point at anything…

A lot of the ‘unusual’ behaviour parents report is just part and parcel of the normal quirky behaviour babies and toddlers exhibit. Prior to the internet new mums would have shrugged it off. Now parents feverishly Google everything and reach all kinds of conclusions.

I say this as someone who posted on Mumsnet years ago wondering if my toddler had selective mutism, autism or an attachment disorder after searching online. She is now a NT 9 year old who never stops talking.

As a kid I didn't like stepping on pavement cracks and lines

I didn’t, but it was due to the AA Milne Poem Lines and Squares - below

Whenever I walk in a London street,
I'm ever so careful to watch my feet;
And I keep in the squares,
And the masses of bears,
Who wait at the corners all ready to eat
The sillies who tread on the lines of the street
Go back to their lairs,
And I say to them, "Bears,
Just look how I'm walking in all the squares!"

@Eastie77Returns

I did this as young mum. I was 21 and I had just had a baby and I was absolutely
convinced my son had ADHD from reading things online. Some of his behaviours were quite unusual at toddler group as well but looking back certainly still “normal”.

He is 13 now and is absolutely fine, normal??? I mean what is normal? He certainly doesn’t struggle socially or with concentration at school. Has lots of friends and is doing well. We are definitely an over pathologising generation.

All i will say on 'normal' is that i was considered 'normal' just with a few quirks on hyperfocusing on reading books, i wrote my own stories, had little obsessions over dragons, or a fashion. It wasn't until i had a nervous breakdown during my A Levels at 17 that anyone realised i wasn't 'normal' i was hiding ADHD/ASD and masking the fuck out of my life...

So.. those of you who suspected stuff when your kids were younger, then decided nothing was wrong, i'm not saying they DO have a ND, but.. just keep an eye when they come out of the structured GCSE environment and into the more self-governed A levels... i floundered BADLY.

On benefits. You don't get them based on diagnosis, you get them based on how a condition affects you. No one gets any benefits just from having an adhd diagnosis.

It’s also culturally driven. In many countries it’s considered completely normal for children to sleep in the same bed as their parents until they are 10/11. On Mumsnet you’ve failed at life if your baby isn’t sleep trained and sleeping alone by the time they are 6 months old😭

Or any major life transition generally. That's when 'quirky' kids can go to bits.

I have definitely taught children whose parents have been able to claim. They needed to prove that they had a significant enough need, it was not about a diagnosis.

I'm diagnosed with ADHD.
Single parent.
3 kids.
I don't have options other than coping.
It's complicated, but it's what it is

@Dreamsoffreedomjoyandpeace you haven't failed in life as you are still alive and kicking.

And the reason people think like this is because there is more awareness now, people discuss more and are able to get help and support, allowing them to function in a more effective manner.

This is my DH to a tee. I only realised in last year as DD1 diagnosed. He blames me for the chaos, ‘not enough time to do things’ etc. He cannot see it’s him. But now I know, I just have to suck it up. But I’m struggling.

Yes to this!

I don’t feel people can say for certain that others are NT as you cannot access how hard they are working mentally to appear that way.