Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take Ds out of nursery he loves?

54 replies

Aenie · 20/01/2023 03:05

Here are the options in case my post is too long to read:

Aibu: take him out of nursery, it's not fair to make him be ill all the time and it's not worth getting into trouble with work.

Yanbu: all kids go through a first winter of hell. It's not worth taking him out of a place he knows and loves.

Hi all. I just don't know what to do. DS is 18 months old and has been going to nursery for 6 months. It took him a while to settle but now he loves it there and is very attached to the staff in his room.

The nursery is quite busy (22 children in his room) but I like their facilities and I really like the staff.

The problem is that ever since he has joined nursery he keeps falling ill. I know this is supposed to be normal in their first year but it's been relentless. He seems to do one or at most two weeks at nurseries and is then off for a week. We've had Norovirus, several eye infections, RSV, tonsillitis, bronchiolitis and other non identified viral infections. Apart from a constant cold. At the moment he has got an ear infection, an eye infection and some sort of unspecified viral infection affecting airways making it difficult to breathe. All at the same time. Dh and me are tired of the constant worrying and neither of us can really afford to take more leave with his frequent absences.

Dh wants to take him out of nursery and put him either into another nearby nursery (smaller rooms with fewer children but I didn't like their facilities as the rooms just seemed very dull and drab) or with a child minder. I'm not keen on either. I worry about him having to go through another extended settling in period just to leave him somewhere that just isn't that nice. In detail:

Current nursery:
Pros: he loves it, the staff are amazing, bright, large room with lots of different toys, lots of stimulating activities, they will never close, don't have to look for something else
Cons: fairly crowded, he's ill all the freaking time

Alternative nursery:
Pros: fewer children in a room
Cons: smaller, darker rooms, toys looks like exactly what we have at home, staff seem nice but the place was horrendous before a management change.

Childminder:
Pros: fewer children, might be easier to settle in
Cons: difficult to find in our area, have to keep ds at home if childminder is ill, might have to provide food ourselves, not sure but maybe they don't do so many different activities?

Nanny:
Pros: only Ds and his own germs, D's doesn't have to get used to different place, maybe the nanny could cook for us as well, don't have to get Ds ready or spend time on dropping him off.
Cons: very expensive, Ds would be at home and probably interrupt WFH, no other kids for socialising, no variety in activities that nursery provide, maybe not as well qualified and with all the checks that a nursery or Ofsted registered childminder provides?

Sorry for the length of this post. I just don't know what to do. Ideally we would take him out of his current nursery now and then put him back in summer when hopefully there are fewer germs around. However there is no guarantee he will get a space again.

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 20/01/2023 03:18

This isn’t going to help you but…both are reasonable perspectives at 18 months. Most kids do seem to pick up a lot of bugs and generally it’s uncomfortable but it strengthens their immune system.

Your DS is probably on the more extreme end of things, but unless your GP is concerned about how much he picks up it’s just the normal way of it.

A smaller nursery might make a difference to how much he picks up, but it might not and it might just prolong the span of time he gets lots of infections. Nanny probably would make a difference, but then he’ll pick stuff up when you eventually get rid of her and he does go to a nursery/school.

If your jobs are at risk then a nanny might be the way, and have her take him to as many groups and soft play sessions, etc. as possible so he gets sick and builds his immune system while you have her to cover.

But it’s also reasonable to just battle through at the nursery your at.

cstx89 · 20/01/2023 03:19

Hey - do not take him out.

I have twins who started nursery last year. It does get better but so far for me they are still getting ill.

I was at the hospital today for an appointment with one of the twins. The doctor said at this age 1-5yrs old its normal to have 1 infection per month.

It will be the same issues wherever he is. Remember not all illness must have him out of nursery too.

Ask doctors to refer u to hospital if your worried if there is an issue with his immune system (thats why i was at hospital today).

It is hard OP! Sending hugs Flowers

Oopswediditagain2023 · 20/01/2023 03:35

Hmm it's difficult - that does sound like a lot of infections compared to most people's kids I know who are in nursery. My daughter in nursery probably gets an infection a month, as PP said, but it's usually things she shakes off in a few days aside from Strep A in December which took longer plus a dose of antibiotics.
To add, my friends who use childminders - their kids are still always poorly! So don't think that switching settings will necessarily prevent him getting poorly so much.

Justbecause19 · 20/01/2023 05:06

I think this winter has been particularly bad for illnesses. My DS2 has hardly been well since September. DS1 hasn't suffered too badly, he's had a couple of nasty viruses but he is 3. I think it's better to just stick it out now, only a few weeks until spring and everything does settle down in the summer months. Fingers crossed next winter is less brutal.

SunshineAndFizz · 20/01/2023 05:19

Sending solidarity as I know what its like when they get sooo many bugs from nursery. It's really hard juggling the time off work too.

As pp said, I do think this winter has been particularly bad germ-wise (post Covid now that everyone's mixing again, there's two winter's worth of germs going round).

There's no guarantee he'd have less germs in a smaller nursery, so I'd probably stay where you are and ride it out.

Could either of you talk to your boss to explain the situation and see if you can make up work in the evenings (to save you taking time off)?

It does get easier, hang in there.

HungryandIknowit · 20/01/2023 05:41

I really feel for you. The main issue is that they just get sick a lot and this winter is worse than usual. Are the nursery on top of hand washing and cleaning?

For me it would depend. If your jobs are genuinely at risk l would probably move him to a carefully selected childminder. They have fewer kids so in theory fewer germs, but also other kids to play with. I would get references and ask how frequently childminder has been unable to take the kids. I would expect an experienced childminder is rarely unwell themselves as they've had all the germs already! Some also take the kids on trips out, etc.

However if jobs are not at risk I would stick with nursery. It should improve in the summer!

autienotnaughty · 20/01/2023 05:47

I use to be a childminder and the kids all had colds etc. you could get a nanny but then your just prolonging it and will have same when he starts school. Do you have any relatives willing to help?

PurBal · 20/01/2023 06:03

DS had a recurring cough since he started nursery in June. We took him to the GP twice because it seemed unlikely this cough was recurring rather than just constantly there. It only disappeared when we had two weeks off at Christmas. It’s back again now. Nursery is a Petri dish of sickness. There’s been norovirus, Covid and strep A at nursery recently. As well as conjunctivitis and chickenpox (managed to avoid that one). Nanny would be your only option to avoid bugs, but then he’ll pick it up at school instead. If he likes nursery, I’d leave him there.

Endofmytetherfinally · 20/01/2023 06:04

Honestly this is normal and it well get better. I was at breaking point 6 months after my Dd started nursery. She was doing 3 days and we ended up froppi g her to 2 because she'd get sent home every 2nd day and wouldn't be able to attend the 3rd. She's now been there 12 months and hasn't been sent home once in the last 6 months. You have to push through.**

Ericaequites · 20/01/2023 06:05

The childminder might be the perfect solution. It’s a smaller setting with fewer children. Ask her about sick polices, meals, and outside activities. Eighteen month olds don’t need peer play or lots of specialized activities. Children don’t go beyond parallel play until close to three.

mobear · 20/01/2023 06:07

I agree with pp that this is normal. My partner and parents both wanted me to pull DC out of nursery for similar reasons but he’s been going over a year now, loves it and is much less sick than he was. I’m glad I persevered.

Surfsenior · 20/01/2023 06:09

My dc2 is 4 and has been constantly buggy this winter at preschool (also a private nursery). He’s had two vomiting bugs, so many coughs and colds I cannot count, a dreadful throaty bug.

I remember this with dd1 too.

on the plus side, dd1 got to school and literally had 0 days sick until Covid struck! Her immune system had obviously been put into top condition by 3 years of nursery. She is now 12 and in total has had 7 days off school sick in her entire life.

So I vote stick with nursery, it’ll be ok.

FangedFrisbee · 20/01/2023 06:09

You could take him pout but he'll just get this in his first year of school

SkyBlue20 · 20/01/2023 06:30

As others have said, it will get better. My DD was ill alllll the time at first but she’s now been there a year and I can’t remember the last time she was poorly. Finding somewhere they love is so important, I personally wouldn’t remove him, I’d just ride it out - it will get better as he’s been there longer and especially as we go in to the warmer months.

Snowpaw · 20/01/2023 07:05

Whats the plan for when he starts school? There will be a raft of illnesses to deal with at some point or another and as hard as it is, it is part of raising a child. I very much feel for parents who have little flexibility in their jobs because it’s honestly so hard when kids are ill all the time. I’d keep him at nursery personally if he loves it and maybe reconsider a different job. I know that sounds extreme, but flexibility is essential with young kids.

Grrrrdarling · 20/01/2023 16:24

Aenie · 20/01/2023 03:05

Here are the options in case my post is too long to read:

Aibu: take him out of nursery, it's not fair to make him be ill all the time and it's not worth getting into trouble with work.

Yanbu: all kids go through a first winter of hell. It's not worth taking him out of a place he knows and loves.

Hi all. I just don't know what to do. DS is 18 months old and has been going to nursery for 6 months. It took him a while to settle but now he loves it there and is very attached to the staff in his room.

The nursery is quite busy (22 children in his room) but I like their facilities and I really like the staff.

The problem is that ever since he has joined nursery he keeps falling ill. I know this is supposed to be normal in their first year but it's been relentless. He seems to do one or at most two weeks at nurseries and is then off for a week. We've had Norovirus, several eye infections, RSV, tonsillitis, bronchiolitis and other non identified viral infections. Apart from a constant cold. At the moment he has got an ear infection, an eye infection and some sort of unspecified viral infection affecting airways making it difficult to breathe. All at the same time. Dh and me are tired of the constant worrying and neither of us can really afford to take more leave with his frequent absences.

Dh wants to take him out of nursery and put him either into another nearby nursery (smaller rooms with fewer children but I didn't like their facilities as the rooms just seemed very dull and drab) or with a child minder. I'm not keen on either. I worry about him having to go through another extended settling in period just to leave him somewhere that just isn't that nice. In detail:

Current nursery:
Pros: he loves it, the staff are amazing, bright, large room with lots of different toys, lots of stimulating activities, they will never close, don't have to look for something else
Cons: fairly crowded, he's ill all the freaking time

Alternative nursery:
Pros: fewer children in a room
Cons: smaller, darker rooms, toys looks like exactly what we have at home, staff seem nice but the place was horrendous before a management change.

Childminder:
Pros: fewer children, might be easier to settle in
Cons: difficult to find in our area, have to keep ds at home if childminder is ill, might have to provide food ourselves, not sure but maybe they don't do so many different activities?

Nanny:
Pros: only Ds and his own germs, D's doesn't have to get used to different place, maybe the nanny could cook for us as well, don't have to get Ds ready or spend time on dropping him off.
Cons: very expensive, Ds would be at home and probably interrupt WFH, no other kids for socialising, no variety in activities that nursery provide, maybe not as well qualified and with all the checks that a nursery or Ofsted registered childminder provides?

Sorry for the length of this post. I just don't know what to do. Ideally we would take him out of his current nursery now and then put him back in summer when hopefully there are fewer germs around. However there is no guarantee he will get a space again.

The issue you have to take into account with this problem is that with your LO being 18months old the bugs that they would have normally had contact with as a baby & before they went to nursery they haven’t had contact with due to covid lockdowns minimising everyone’s contact with everything & everyone.
Personally I would do everything to boost his immune system, plenty of stuff you can buy over the counter these days, but long term he needs these bugs to help him build a strong immune system.
Persevere, work can not sack you for being off to care for a sick child & if they do threaten this you need to find another workplace, & he will come good. Join a Union, if you aren’t part of one already, & they can tell you better what your rights as a parent are when it comes to childhood illnesses.
This is a very worrying time for so many parents, experienced & new, & their little ones but illness is a part of natural immunity development & if you take him out now you will only have the same problem when he goes to full time school.

cloudglazer · 20/01/2023 16:25

Keep him there. This has been the worst winter for bugs. They are all having a party after the lockdowns and school and nursery attendance is at an all time low.
A nursery he loves is such a valuable thing, not to be given up lightly.

ACynicalDad · 20/01/2023 16:32

I guess you need to give them notice and you're there until the end of Feb, ours got better by early spring when they open the doors and play outside more. I'd suck it up a few more months, maybe look again next winter if it happens again, but it almost certainly wont.

Back2Back2t · 20/01/2023 16:46

OP another mum here to tell you that this is totally normal and moving your DC will not make a lick of difference. I remembered our struggle with DS when he first started nursery.

Lucky for us our employers were quite understanding. I kid you not DS was ill every 2 weeks for a week at a time. It’s a very hard period and we’ve all gone through it.

Summerlark · 20/01/2023 16:50

Our children were looked after by a nanny. Our first nanny was brilliant, the second less so. I don't think you'll get them to cook dinner for you. They should prepare breakfast and lunch for the child, attend to washing the children's clothes and possibly a little light cleaning. Our first nanny had lots of other friends who were nannies and they did meet up with the children to play. Less likely to pick up bugs that way because it's not parents sending infectious kids to a nursery to keep their jobs. Many nannies take their charges on various outings like the zoo or gym classes etc.

Mrsmch123 · 20/01/2023 17:22

22 is a massive class size!how many staff do they have?
my child started last July and he has had chest infection, ear infection, cough, cold, croup, viral x3, he missed a week every month since he started🙈 it's so hard but I would just stick at it tbh. I'm hoping by the time he gets to school he will be bullet proof😅

dogdaydown · 20/01/2023 17:56

Spring is round the corner, less illness then.

1stTimeBoyMumx · 20/01/2023 18:08

@Aenie I would leave him where he is. I know it's so hard my son is just 3 now and honestly the tears the a and e trips the doctors trips the constant time of work! It is now mainly a thing of the past! The first winter was horrendous, he had had one cold prior to nursery and nothing more because he was 3 months old when covid hit so we didn't mix with anyone! If he loves it there I would hang on a little longer, things settled for us in the Feb/march after he started nursery and although he had a couple of bad bugs after that (sickness in the may and tonsillitis in the September) other than that he had a cold that he was so used to having they stopped phasing him! He is now (touch wood) hardly poorly in comparison however I always take him out a week before birthdays or holidays so he isn't poorly for them! Honestly hang on it's part of them building immunity and you will probably find the exact same problem wherever they go as they will be mixing with kids who have brothers / sisters / cousins in school or parents who work in school, you can't shield them from bugs unfortunately but it's likely they won't be poorly often by the time they go to school at least!

hot2trotter · 20/01/2023 18:46

Part and parcel of it I'm afraid. Whether he's in a nursery setting now or he's starting full time school in a few years, there's no way of avoiding the bugs.
I have 4 kids aged from 10 down to 4. Since October we have had 3 bouts of tonsillitis (eldest), 2 sickness bugs (gone through all of us), impetigo (middle two), hand foot and mouth (youngest two), 3 ear infections (youngest two), and numerous colds and coughs (all of us - too many to count but more than one hand). It's horrendous and we've not yet had a full week without anything. It's been the same every winter since my eldest started nursery - but this winter has definitely been the worst.
What I'm saying is, if you pull him out of nursery you are only delaying it.

Lkydfju · 20/01/2023 18:49

I’d leave him; you can’t take it for granted that he’ll settle elsewhere and he’ll still get just as ill at nursery or childminder; it really made no difference for mine. If you use a nanny then you just delay him going through illnesses to when he goes to school