To take Ds out of nursery he loves?

[Aenie]

Here are the options in case my post is too long to read:

Aibu: take him out of nursery, it's not fair to make him be ill all the time and it's not worth getting into trouble with work.

Yanbu: all kids go through a first winter of hell. It's not worth taking him out of a place he knows and loves.

Hi all. I just don't know what to do. DS is 18 months old and has been going to nursery for 6 months. It took him a while to settle but now he loves it there and is very attached to the staff in his room.

The nursery is quite busy (22 children in his room) but I like their facilities and I really like the staff.

The problem is that ever since he has joined nursery he keeps falling ill. I know this is supposed to be normal in their first year but it's been relentless. He seems to do one or at most two weeks at nurseries and is then off for a week. We've had Norovirus, several eye infections, RSV, tonsillitis, bronchiolitis and other non identified viral infections. Apart from a constant cold. At the moment he has got an ear infection, an eye infection and some sort of unspecified viral infection affecting airways making it difficult to breathe. All at the same time. Dh and me are tired of the constant worrying and neither of us can really afford to take more leave with his frequent absences.

Dh wants to take him out of nursery and put him either into another nearby nursery (smaller rooms with fewer children but I didn't like their facilities as the rooms just seemed very dull and drab) or with a child minder. I'm not keen on either. I worry about him having to go through another extended settling in period just to leave him somewhere that just isn't that nice. In detail:

Current nursery:
Pros: he loves it, the staff are amazing, bright, large room with lots of different toys, lots of stimulating activities, they will never close, don't have to look for something else
Cons: fairly crowded, he's ill all the freaking time

Alternative nursery:
Pros: fewer children in a room
Cons: smaller, darker rooms, toys looks like exactly what we have at home, staff seem nice but the place was horrendous before a management change.

Childminder:
Pros: fewer children, might be easier to settle in
Cons: difficult to find in our area, have to keep ds at home if childminder is ill, might have to provide food ourselves, not sure but maybe they don't do so many different activities?

Nanny:
Pros: only Ds and his own germs, D's doesn't have to get used to different place, maybe the nanny could cook for us as well, don't have to get Ds ready or spend time on dropping him off.
Cons: very expensive, Ds would be at home and probably interrupt WFH, no other kids for socialising, no variety in activities that nursery provide, maybe not as well qualified and with all the checks that a nursery or Ofsted registered childminder provides?

Sorry for the length of this post. I just don't know what to do. Ideally we would take him out of his current nursery now and then put him back in summer when hopefully there are fewer germs around. However there is no guarantee he will get a space again.

I’d leave him where he is. A good nursery where he’s happy and with staff you trust is amazing. DD started at nursery in July 2021 at about 20mos and she was the same right up until the following spring. Eye infections, Strep A, colds, coughs, stomach bugs, hand, foot and mouth (though tbf that was from the neighbours’ kids), the works.

About two months after she started she had another vomiting bug plus a cough she couldn’t shift, and i took her to children’s A&E on the GP’s advice. Firstly, it was September and the place was HIVING, seemed to be 75% were presenting at triage with D&V like DD. When I eventually got to see the consultant DD’s D&V had eased off considerably from the worrying night before, and I brought up the cough. The consultant told me “Coughs really linger at this age; you’ll find it’ll either taper off until you realise one day weeks later ‘she’s not coughing anymore’, or she’ll catch another virus and it’ll ramp up again. But the good news is once she gets to school you’ll find she’s pretty much bulletproof”.

It’s shit but you’ve got to persevere or you’ll go through the same cycle again when he gets to school. In the meantime I’d be looking at whatever supplements I could to give his immune system a boost, plenty of vitamin C once you see a cold starting on him (DH swears by this, could be bullshit but he’s rarely ill tbf) and ride it out best you can.

If it were me, I would keep him there if you possibly can. All forms of childcare have their pros and cons (as your post sets out). But a nursery where he’s happy and you trust the staff is worth its weight in gold IMO. It sounds like a lovely nursery.

This is his first winter in nursery - it’s going to be awful. It just is. But next winter won’t be as bad. And the next one will be better again.

As others have said this winter has been particularly rough because it’s been the first winter with no restrictions post covid so there’s so much more about for everyone.
My son has literally had something every other week since November. His nursery have said he’s not the only one and the nurse practitioner at the GP surgery has said that it’s most children of his age that are going through it all.
It’s really difficult but I think if it was me I’d keep going with the nursery that only has the cons of illnesses because the other nursery doesn’t sound as appealing.

Another vote to leave him where he is but huge sympathies as I can’t imagine how tough it is juggling work as well as dealing with him being poorly all the time. My DS is also 18 months and since going to the tiny village preschool two mornings a week, he has caught every bug and virus going. Since September, we have had croup, pneumonia, scarlet fever, hand, foot and mouth, RSV, bronchiolitis, good old fashioned D&V and regular colds. We have been to hospital with him six times in the last 5 months. I was talking to my DH the other day about to what the hell we would do if I’d actually gone back to work. I’d probably be at around 50% attendance and they would find a way to let me go somehow. I have so much respect for parents that are actually dealing with this but unfortunately, I don’t think moving to a smaller childcare setting will make much difference.

I would leave him there but also try the Abidec multivitamin drops?
My eldest was quite poorly frequently and a nanny friend recommended them, and they made such a difference. He had a balanced diet but the illnesses threw his eating off and I think he just needed a vitamin boost. I continued to use them until Reception when he seemed to get bugs less often. Grew out of it I guess

Honestly I'd probably leave him in and try and just get through it between you both the best you can. By the summer I'd imagine his immune system will have improved a lot so he'll be getting ill less frequently, really if you move him to another nursery/childminders it's just going to be moving him to another germ pool. The nanny would be best option but then your just going to have it all over again when he starts school because he hasn't had the chance to build up the immunity to illnesses he will undoubtedly be exposed to.

Hang in there, end of March/April was a turning month for us and he was fine for ages after that. This winter is no where near as bad. We are in a large nursery too. Don't take him out.

Last winter DS was around 1.5 and in the baby room at nursery with 5 other kids. He picked up every germ going, we had chicken pox, conjunctivitis, bronchiolitis, Covid... It was relentless and he missed several days. His brother was in a room with upto 14 other kids and only seemed to catch things that his brother had already had 🤷‍♀️

A smaller nursery may not solve your issues as it certainly didn't make a difference with my DS. This winter has been much better so far and he's in the bigger room now so no rhyme nor reason for us!

To me this sounds like a lot more illness than normal.. you could wait for spring but explore childminder options in the meantime?

we found a childminder that was amazing and had set up her home exactly like a nursery. Tons of toys and activities. Swings/playhouse/sandpit etc in her garden. In addition she could also do trips to local parks and playgroups, it was really wonderful. Max 7 kids (she worked with husband) , it was like a home from home. But you have to find a really good one, they can be brilliant.

Don't take him out. You like it, he likes it and the frequent illness is normal.

A nanny would be ok but unless you expect her not to take him to any groups then the illness thing isn't reduced, though I guess she could look after him whilst he is ill.

haven’t read any of the replies but I think he needs to get these things now and develop his immunity otherwise he will catch them all at school when his attendance is mandatory and monitored.
If he doesn’t have them already get him some good vitamins as that seemed to help my daughter. She got constantly ill when she first went to nursery but after a year it’s easing now. I understand your pain and frustration particularly with taking time off work but I wouldn’t disrupt him, it’s not fair and even with smaller class sizes it may make no difference. There wasn’t many children at all when my girl started nursery but that didn’t stop her catching everything from the few that were there. Ride it out if you can.

He’s going to be ill on and off like this for a while, it’s just inevitable. So I would discount the 2nd and 3rd options as they aren’t really going to solve any issues you have. I would either keep him where he is and ride it out or get a nanny because the nanny can look after at home if he’s ill and you don’t have to miss work.

I had my toddler in childminders over the summer and she was ill every couple of weeks with various bugs caught from the other kids (there were 5 kids total) and now she’s home with me on Mat leave she still gets ill every few weeks..but of course I’m not missing work to look after her.

You've been unlucky but you're probably past the worst of it now.

Leave the poor lad where he is.

Honestly keep him where he is if he's happy! I had the same when my little one started nursery at 15 months (delayed because of lockdown) and he got everything except for covid...countless colds, sickness bugs, chicken pox and hand foot and mouth. Now he's 3 and he seems to have a constant cold in the winter but it barely bothers him and he's usually still okay to go in. It's been a while since we've had to keep him off. If you take him out you're just pushing the getting the bugs later down the line, it has to be done at some point as hard as it is

This will happen in literally any childcare setting. Their first year in daycare is awful, they are ill ALL THE TIME. If it’s any consolation, DS was poorly constantly at first, but got it all out of the way and pretty much hasn't been ill in the 5 years since.

It's rubbish but it gets better. DS had a similar run in his first 6 months but it's got better and better. He actually has a bit of a sniffle now but it's the first one once Sept and I think it will be very mild.

OP, I think the voting options might be confusing so maybe don’t take the poll outcome as gospel - most people, and I’ll add myself to the list, will say it’s been a bad winter for bugs in nursery but stick it out, it’ll get better in spring and his immune system will thank you for it.

In AIBU, your title is “To take DS out of nursery” so I’d have voted YABU, but then it turns out YANBU is the option to keep him in 🤷🏻‍♀️

Make that “most people on the thread have said”, not “most people generally would say” keep him in

If you go for a Nanny then ensure she takes him out to socialise at different classes and groups. Presumably though you would go for an Ofsted registered Nanny with experience who would also be capable of setting up activities and stimulating him through the day.

This winter has been exceptionally bad for coughs and colds and viruses. Everyone's immune system has taken a battering and even the cleanest, outstanding nurseries are having this problem.

Our baby room has maximum of 9 babies a day and 4 Staff and had to close the week before Christmas because the children and staff all had chest infections.

Our LA has been releasing lots of info on how to stay as healthy as possible across all its settings.

We've had childminders closed this week too because of the colds doing the rounds that are knocking people off their feet.

@Aenie
My kids both went to a childminder then some preschool at 2 and the school nursery at 3, still with a mix of the childminder and have had all sorts of bugs and colds and viral things.
I don't think it matters which setting they're in it's just part and parcel of having young kids.

My childminder has a 48hr rule for D&S most places do but she takes them with a runny nose other settings wouldnt

I wouldn't take him out, I know it's hard but I think this winter it's been a very bad one for bugs.
When I was little my mum wouldn't let me near any kids who were poorly, she was terrified of me getting ill. She didn't work so I didn't attend nursery or a childminder. When I started school of course I caught everything going! And have always had terrible immunity, I caught a lot more colds than anyone else I knew, Covid lockdowns were the longest I'd ever gone without a cold!
My own children both went to a large nursery from 12 months, caught stuff, but gradually built up immunity and have always been pretty hardy with colds and bugs.
I know it feels overwhelming right now but this exposure will build life long immunity, so if you are able to push on through the next few months I think it will definitely be worth it.
Good luck x

A smaller nursery will still be operating as close to ratio as poss to stay profitable and may be more likely to mix the ages than a larger settings. A childminder may be doing wrap around for kids who are at school. The germ pool at either will still be huge. Nanny would be a lot better but it’ll be much more expensive and you’re just kicking the can down the road so I’d expect you would find yourself in the same situation when it’s time to start preschool or school nursery at aged 3. I’d push through, especially as he’s so settled and happy, unless your jobs are at risk, and even then I would only consider a nanny.

Hi OP.. put this decision off until mid spring - the illness will start to wane significantly now once we get into full spring and summer - my DC are also constantly unwell during these past months - autumn onwards it’s a nightmare with bugs!

I wouldn't give up now, when you're close to the end of the worst bit of the winter. You'll see an improvement but it will likely be because he's had it all anyway.

It can't be underestimated how bad the first 6 months at nursery are, 11 years ago I was on my knees with consecutive bugs we then caught then magically, nothing for 2 years.