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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL comments

38 replies

Ilovedogs1 · 19/01/2023 21:45

Hi everyone,

     So me and my husband have been together 23 yrs, married for 14 years.

I've always found my MIL unapproachable and a bit cold. Over the years there have been various little snarky comments and little underhand digs. I've found as I've gotten older I will 'answer her back' if you like, more than I would of in my early 20's.
This brings me to last week. We were out for a meal with DH family. My DH has recently had some gastro issues and due to the big meal was keen to get going. I however wanted to stay for dessert. I pointed out that as we had come in separate cars from work I could stay and he could go. His response to this was slightly stroppy and I replied 'ok theres no need to be stroppy'.
Then my MIL says ' no wonder he's stroppy the amount of stress you lot put him under' meaning myself and our 2 teen kids. My response to this was jokingly 'if he doesn't like it he knows where the door is'. She then responds 'it's his house, he doesn't have to go anywhere '. To which I said 'I think you'll find its OUR house'.
Anyway, obviously my MIL has pissed me off with these comments but what's upset me the most is that DH doesn't say anything to her. When I tell him it would be nice for him to stand up for me I just get 'it's her generation'. AIBU to be really annoyed with him.
Another issue is that I am qualified in a medical profession and I've recently voiced my opinion on something that I think needs addressing. Her response is 'theres really no need to keep prodding and poking '.
My professional opinion and general point of view is just totally undervalued.
I know tension between MIL/DIL is as old as time but I'm so angry.

OP posts:
Lialou · 19/01/2023 21:48

Hard for us to say if we don't know if you and your kids put him under any stress or not? Could she have a point? Are her comments completely unfounded?

Lialou · 19/01/2023 21:49

The prodding and poking comment....maybe they don't want your opinion on it. Again hard for us to say as we don't know what it is that's been said.

Tricolette · 19/01/2023 21:50

You've got a dh problem.

Sounds like you handle your mil well though. She's very silly to get involved in your arguments with your dh.

Lkydfju · 19/01/2023 21:51

She doesn’t sound particularly nice; I’d avoid getting into a back and forth with her though and put her in her place by saying that you were talking to your DH not her.

BMrs · 19/01/2023 21:52

Honestly MIL relationships can be so complex. I would be annoyed at my husband too if he didn't stand up for you.

My own MIL makes snarky comments all the time and both me and my DH challenge her on them.

I would spark to him again and ask him to be more supportive.

Dacadactyl · 19/01/2023 21:53

Yes, MIL shouldn't get involved in your arguments but perhaps she thinks you are nitpicking and that its bad form to talk down to each other in public?

I certainly wouldn't say to my husband "don't be so stroppy" in company. I'd bring it up with him afterwards instead.

NoraVanDoogle · 19/01/2023 21:53

Generalising here I know!
but MIL’s and their sons - can do no chuffing wrong.

Its not a generational thing - it’s a twatish thing. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Lialou · 19/01/2023 21:54

What was his stroppy response?

Led92 · 19/01/2023 21:58

NoraVanDoogle · 19/01/2023 21:53

Generalising here I know!
but MIL’s and their sons - can do no chuffing wrong.

Its not a generational thing - it’s a twatish thing. 🤷🏻‍♀️

This is true.
tbh though if your dh was worried about gastro issues I’d have been sympathetic, left, and got some dessert on the way home. He may have been worried/distracted or annoyed about that rather than about standing up for you in a conversation revolving around him leaving you should he be sufficiently stressed.

sympathies in general, I don’t get on with my mil.

Calphurnia88 · 20/01/2023 16:58

Lialou · 19/01/2023 21:48

Hard for us to say if we don't know if you and your kids put him under any stress or not? Could she have a point? Are her comments completely unfounded?

I agree... Obviously the comments are harsh, but is she just a mother looking out for her son?

I must admit the pudding scenario seems a bit strange to me. Surely if you knew DH been suffering from gastro issues the normal thing to do would be to leave the meal together when he started feeling unwell, rather than suggesting he leave alone and you stay for dessert? Maybe that's just me and my partner, but perhaps she thought this was rude.

Anyway, if you feel confident enough to answer her back, then I think you should maybe have an open conversation with her, rather than engaging in passive aggressive back and forths.

Sucessinthenewyear · 20/01/2023 17:02

Lialou · 19/01/2023 21:54

What was his stroppy response?

I think this is the important bit.

I think it’s probably either you or DH were unreasonable first but MIL shouldn’t have got involved.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 20/01/2023 17:06

Were you voicing your opinion on something of hers or FIL that needs to be addressed? Because I can tell you anytime my medical professional family members offers up some unsolicited advice their opinion and general view is not valued let alone undervalued

Shgytfgtf111 · 20/01/2023 17:07

I think the pudding thing is a bit weird, if one of you wants to leave after the meal for a genuine reason like that then I don't get why you wouldn't leave. He was maybe a bit 'stroppy' because his stomach was bothering him and you calling him stroppy put him down in front of his family. I don't agree with her getting involved but I can actually see why she dI'd.

Gymnopedie · 20/01/2023 18:15

I think you really don't like her so everything she says is an annoyance.

Look at this from DH's perspective. He's feeling really ropey. He'd like you both to go home because it's rotten being on your own and feeling ill. He wanted a bit of sympathy and company but your priority was pudding.

Saying something about a health issue, you say it once (in a concerned way, not a superior I know better than you way) and then you leave it up to the person to decide to do with that information. It's their body and their life.

And some of the things you've reported that you said make you sound stroppy yourself, and quite aggressive. (He knows where the door is...)

Maybe there was no need for MIL to say that you put him under stress, but this sounds like six of one and half a dozen of the other.

HiddenGiraffes · 20/01/2023 19:46

I think arguing and, particularly, insulting each other in front of people is bad form. I think putting your husband down in front of his own family can come across as humiliation and I can see why it got her back up. It's hard to know exactly without knowing what the "stroppy response" was, though.

Tbh in your shoes, if I knew my husband had stomach issues I'd just leave discreetly with him and skip pudding. Forcing him to leave by itself and it be a "thing" could itself be seen as humiliating.

SallyWD · 20/01/2023 19:51

To be honest, I think you sounded a bit prickly and stroppy yourself. Calling him stroppy in front of his family isn't cool. I can see why his mum felt uncomfortable. Also I don't think in this situation he would have felt inclined to stick up for you. If I felt ropey and wanted to go home and my DH told me to go on my own, then called me stroppy (all in front of my parents) I certainly wouldn't be leaping to his defence if my mum stuck up for me!

BumpySkull · 20/01/2023 20:05

I think YABU. If my DH had a medical reason why he wanted to leave then I sure as hell wouldn’t prioritise my desire for a dessert. You were rude and insensitive and inconsiderate towards him so MIL (also rudely) defended him. You’re patronising DH and clearly don’t value or care for him. It’d be hard for any mother to see their son treated with that level of blatant disregard (bordering on hostility).

And if you repeatedly thrust unsolicited advice onto people, don’t expect them to be grateful. It’s rude. You’re not “undervalued”, it’s unwanted input. She has every right to tell you to back off and you have no right to be butthurt about it, she shouldn’t have even had to say it.

You and MIL are clearly rude to each other but you’re also not nice to others in this post, which is your version of events so undoubtedly skewed in your favour too. I don’t think you’re the victim that you think you are.

Cheesetoastiesz · 20/01/2023 20:22

None of you are covering yourselves in glory here

You started this entire situation, he has gastro issues, so why would you stay for pudding? I’d have been pissed in his shoes, then you call him stroppy in front of company - very rude

She shouldn’t have gotten involved in a petty squabble, and she definitely shouldn’t have brought your kids into it.

Your DH was unreasonable to just sit there while his wife and mother continued a petty back and fourth. Although tbh in this particular incident he is the least unreasonable in this entire shit show.

Iwonder08 · 20/01/2023 20:25

YABU on most accounts: you went out with DH's family, why on earth you insist on staying for desert if your DH is not quite well? You tell him off like he is a teen in front of his family and then tell his mother you are quite happy for him to leave the marriage? What do you expect her to say?

2023bebetter · 20/01/2023 20:54

Gastro issue's?

Why can't he go on home whilst she stays?
She would have been very close behind him to...rush home and rub his belly? Help him to the loo? Listen to wind?

Sorry if I'm missing something but it all sounds very local I can't understand why a grown man needs to leave with his wife when they did come in two cars.

It seems every mil thinks Dil over works their darling boy...

2023bebetter · 20/01/2023 20:56

It wasn't even what I would classify as a squabble!

Mil completely escalated it beyond any normal reference!

UWhatNow · 20/01/2023 21:07

I had an experience like this once on holiday where I said something snappy to my DH (justified because he was being particularly dickish). My MIL (who I actually got on very well with) defended him and spoke quite coldly to me.

I was shocked and felt very alone because all of a sudden our own dynamic was being hijacked and I was being picked on two to one. My DH didn’t say anything and it’s a contentious moment in our marriage even though it happened over 20 years ago. It was awful. I didn’t speak for about two days and thought very seriously about getting a plane home alone and divorcing him.

It never happened again and I put it down to a weird holiday moment. I couldn’t put up with that consistently though. Either he’d have to go or she would be out. I wouldn’t put up with anyone muscling in on my marriage and talking to me like that.

blackbeardsballsack · 20/01/2023 21:20

What oh earth is the problem with OP staying for dessert? He was in his own car, no need for a pity convoy just so he can go sit in the bathroom on his own. He's not her son, for fucks sake.

ICanHideButICantRun · 20/01/2023 21:28

Then my MIL says ' no wonder he's stroppy the amount of stress you lot put him under' meaning myself and our 2 teen kids. My response to this was jokingly 'if he doesn't like it he knows where the door is'.

That isn't a joke, though.

Why wouldn't you say, "What do you mean, the stress we put him under?" If he has gastro problems and his mum thinks his family is the cause, why wouldn't you want to (briefly) discuss that?

Original poster
Ilovedogs1 · 20/01/2023 22:11

When I say 'gastro issues' I mean that after a couple of hospital appointments and a couple of tests there are a few foods DH shouldn't be eating.
On this particular night out he was eating what he shouldn't be and drinking which he has been told will aggravate the condition.
He's not exactly helping himself here.

OP posts:
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