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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL comments

38 replies

Ilovedogs1 · 19/01/2023 21:45

Hi everyone,

     So me and my husband have been together 23 yrs, married for 14 years.

I've always found my MIL unapproachable and a bit cold. Over the years there have been various little snarky comments and little underhand digs. I've found as I've gotten older I will 'answer her back' if you like, more than I would of in my early 20's.
This brings me to last week. We were out for a meal with DH family. My DH has recently had some gastro issues and due to the big meal was keen to get going. I however wanted to stay for dessert. I pointed out that as we had come in separate cars from work I could stay and he could go. His response to this was slightly stroppy and I replied 'ok theres no need to be stroppy'.
Then my MIL says ' no wonder he's stroppy the amount of stress you lot put him under' meaning myself and our 2 teen kids. My response to this was jokingly 'if he doesn't like it he knows where the door is'. She then responds 'it's his house, he doesn't have to go anywhere '. To which I said 'I think you'll find its OUR house'.
Anyway, obviously my MIL has pissed me off with these comments but what's upset me the most is that DH doesn't say anything to her. When I tell him it would be nice for him to stand up for me I just get 'it's her generation'. AIBU to be really annoyed with him.
Another issue is that I am qualified in a medical profession and I've recently voiced my opinion on something that I think needs addressing. Her response is 'theres really no need to keep prodding and poking '.
My professional opinion and general point of view is just totally undervalued.
I know tension between MIL/DIL is as old as time but I'm so angry.

OP posts:

WandaWonder · 20/01/2023 22:12

Ilovedogs1 · 20/01/2023 22:11

When I say 'gastro issues' I mean that after a couple of hospital appointments and a couple of tests there are a few foods DH shouldn't be eating.
On this particular night out he was eating what he shouldn't be and drinking which he has been told will aggravate the condition.
He's not exactly helping himself here.

But he is a grown up, I think everyone needs lessons on this

DuplicateUserName · 20/01/2023 22:17

I was with you until this bit...

Another issue is that I am qualified in a medical profession and I've recently voiced my opinion on something that I think needs addressing. Her response is 'theres really no need to keep prodding and poking'.
My professional opinion and general point of view is just totally undervalued.

No-one has to 'value' your professional opinion, especially if they haven't asked you for it.

BumpySkull · 20/01/2023 22:21

blackbeardsballsack · 20/01/2023 21:20

What oh earth is the problem with OP staying for dessert? He was in his own car, no need for a pity convoy just so he can go sit in the bathroom on his own. He's not her son, for fucks sake.

It’s just pretty weird to insist on staying at a meal with your in laws who don’t like you and who you don’t like after your DH has left. Would OP have stayed if the in-laws left and she were sat alone?

donttellmehesalive · 20/01/2023 22:24

If my Son in Law is fact enough to have a go at DD in front of me, I stick up for her. I don't care if I'm not supposed to interfere. Argue in private or expect my contribution. I expect your MIL feels the same. She didn't like the way you spoke to her son.

Original poster

Ilovedogs1 · 20/01/2023 22:29

It's not just this. Shes always commenting on things. The other week she dropped in un announced as myself and DH were leaving for a doctors appointment . I also had one for myself. My daughter said when we left MIL said ' I don't know why your mother has to go with him to hold his hand' I was going to my own appointment not that it's any if her business.
Also on many occasions she has been around when I've been out and 'tidied up the kitchen'. By this I mean putting things away where she would have them rather than where I keep them. She has before changed the entire contents of my drawers.
What I want is DH to stand up for me and just say 'mum can you leave the kitchen' or 'its a bit unfair to speak to DIL like that'
He's even admitted that his mum can be a bit out of line but I shouldn't let it bother me because its 'that generation'

OP posts:

Colderthanever · 20/01/2023 22:41

You clearly don’t like her as she stands up to you.

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 20/01/2023 22:46

Christ on a bike. Just be like, fuck off Lorraine, he's married to me not you.

It's not generational, he's a mummy's boy who probably enjoys her sniping at you.

NumberTheory · 20/01/2023 22:47

It sounds like you rub each other the wrong way. She sounds pretty rude. It sounds like you’ve started being rude back to her. The kitchen thing would drive me a bit mad. Though I also think, since you don’t have a particularly civil relationship, it is foolish to expect her to welcome you voicing your unsolicited professional opinion. Lots of people don’t want family involved in their own health matters, it blurs lines and makes many people feel more vulnerable.

I don’t think you can change her. After all this time it seems unlikely you can get DH to tell her to back off. I would just minimize contact as much as you reasonably can.

CrocodilesCry · 20/01/2023 23:02

Ilovedogs1 · 20/01/2023 22:11

He was drinking enough to cause him gastro issues but he was driving?

Sounds like your dislike for your MIL is mutual. You were rude, so was she.

Chickenly · 21/01/2023 07:23

Colderthanever · 20/01/2023 22:41

You clearly don’t like her as she stands up to you.

I completely agree. Yet another case of “AIBU?” “Yes” “no I’m not”.

Ponoka7 · 21/01/2023 07:40

"Then my MIL says ' no wonder he's stroppy the amount of stress you lot put him under' meaning myself and our 2 teen kids. My response to this was jokingly 'if he doesn't like it he knows where the door is"

If someone told your DH that you had a right to be stroppy, would you have liked for him to say that if you don't like it, leave? Your DD shouldn't be repeating what's said. Does she trouble cause in school? I think that you've just got to accept that you two rub each up the wrong way and it's too late to do anything about it now. Your DH should have backed you over the kitchen. You should have addressed that overstepping with her at the time. How old is she now? Some habits do get worse with age.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 21/01/2023 07:50

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 20/01/2023 22:46

Christ on a bike. Just be like, fuck off Lorraine, he's married to me not you.

It's not generational, he's a mummy's boy who probably enjoys her sniping at you.

Yeah, this.

How on earth does she get into your house? I'd be refitting the locks.

Untitledsquatboulder · 21/01/2023 08:14

It's easy to put things away in the wrong place in other people's kitchens.

Your MiL doesn't like you and you don't like her. Things will go easier if you and dh don't fight in front of her and you don't offer her unsolicited advice (obviously it would be great if she didn't nip at you but there's little you can do about that beyond avoid her).

Re your dh and eating things he shouldn't this is a really common stage in coming to terms with a gastroenterinal complaint - it's really hard to come to terms with things being off limits. I still try and have a coffee once in a blue moon hoping that "this time it will be ok" (it isnt) and I've had crohns for over 20 years.

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