To ask for your tips for not letting people get to you

[Jotters]

I have really struggled with my SIL for years now. At almost every meeting she makes passive aggressive comments and subtle digs. I think about the things that she says for days later and it makes me feel like I do everything wrong and I find it really upsetting or it makes me angry.

Does anyone have any tips on how to stop letting her remarks get to me? I have read The Art of not giving a F* but it didn't help. I am a quiet person who hates confrontation so I don't want to say anything to her I just want to let her comments wash over me and for me to not dwell on them.

I have reduced contact with her now but still have to see her on occasion. Any advice would be great thanks.

I don't like confrontation one bit, but as I get older, I like people who do this kind of thing even less.

A couple of all purpose lines in response to her PA statements: 'Oh really? Can you explain what you mean by that?' or something like that.

I've seen my BiL head off PA statements from his PassAg MiL with a neat, slightly nonchalant but pointed 'Oh right,' but delivered just so with direct eye contact, slight pause, move on. Simple but effective.

@Ottil thank you for your reply. Yes I have started to do something like this and not engaging but no matter what I try I cannot help getting angry for days afterwards. Wish I had thicker skin 🙂

So what you need to work on is the after effects rather than the response at the time?

I would actually see a counsellor to try to understand why it bothers you so much - the fact I would not be as bothered as you is of no use to you!

It may be that you are angry precisely because you are NOT standing up for yourself - maybe it would be better to just say 'why do you say things like that?' rather than stew for days.

Just don't see her. You don't have to see her. I never see anyone I don't want to. It's great. They don't exist and I'm perfectly happy.

I have pretty thick skin.

I believe genuinely happy people don't try and put others down so I'd try and look at why your SIL is making these comments- it reflects badly on her.

Assertiveness. Call her out with every passive aggressive comment.

Work on your self esteem so the comments no longer bother you.

I like to treat it as a game and willfully misunderstand.

"That's an interesting haircut".
"Thank you, I'm so glad you like it"

"My DS would never behave like that"
"Yes, Isn't it wonderful how they're so different"

Don’t go there is my advice.

Let your husband be in charge of your joint relations with his sister.

Keep your distance as much as possible.

My SIL isn’t nice. The first time I met her I was nice as anything but she told everyone how much I acted like I didn’t like her when I left.

Then she never invited us to see her kids and called her mates Aunty and Uncle and described their wonderful relationships were.

Their best is always better than ours and their worst is always worse too.

She shit stirs for my husband all the time.

My husband has a very low opinion of her BUT if I openly attack her, my husband will get defensive. The inlaws are the same.

If it exploded it would be awful for everyone so keep well out of it. Avoid, avoid, avoid.

Thanks everyone. I don't understand why she is like this she has a lovely life, perfect partner, loads of friends and everything always works out for her but she criticises lots of people not just me.

She has really high standards for everything she is always immaculate and so is her house so I just fall short all the time. This might sound like I am jealous and I have questioned this myself but I have other friends with lovely lives/ partners and everything they want and I don't have any jealousy towards them.

I have thought about counselling before just to have someone to rant at about all the things she has said to me but I would begrudge paying money because of her.

Thanks to everyone who has offered advice I will try to take these tips on board.

@Abba123 it's sounds like we have the same SIL!

Have you tried writing down what she said and how it made you feel? I have a colleague whose bitchy patronising comments used to get to me and this is what my therapist told me to do. Once I wrote down what was said and how I felt I was able to stop dwelling on it.

Counselling isn't for her, it's for you. There will always be dickheads like her out there who can make you feel bad about yourself make yourself dickheadproof.

I'd suggest working on your own self esteem and confidence

In my line of work, I quite often have people telling me I'm crap at my job. Obviously, I'd prefer if they didn't say that, but I know I am good at my job, I remind myself they're just frustrated and TBH, it doesn't really bother me now

I'd also suggest you don't engage. I like the "oh right" technique above. Don't engage. Just show your SIL that she's not getting to you

I have thought about counselling before just to have someone to rant at about all the things she has said to me but I would begrudge paying money because of her. You pay the money to free yourself from the misery of spending days worrying about what she said!

I don't understand why you would not pay to be free of that mental shit.

Absolutely terrible advice. For years I put up with people being rude to me and walking over me, it got to me. By the time I made it to therapy, my therapist actually asked me why I never stood up for myself. I had no answer except my mum always told me to walk away. Nowadays, I will do it. It took practice.

I don't even remember how I learnt it but take yourself out of equation, you don't say how you feel - just speak the truth. If someone is making subtle digs, ask them what they mean in more detail. If it's aggressive, tell her she's aggressive and you'd appreciate her not speaking that way.

I agree the OP might be better served just standing up for herself - and said so in my second post - but it was the OP who said they did not want to.

Sounds like she’s projecting. Evidence base what she’s saying & remember just because she says something doesn’t mean it’s true.

Also, in addition to ‘What do you mean by that?’, the phrase, ‘Did you mean to be so rude?’ usually shuts these types up.

OP I could have written this...

My tips on how to survive:
•Limit contact
• only speak when she speaks to you apart from the obvious Hello and goodbyes
• Drink wine

This

Op you have my sympathies, I knew somebody like that, and stopped all contact. I realised life is far too precious to have to tolerate certain people.

I know someone like this too.

The only thing I can advise is avoid at all costs.

Just agree with her whatever she says. I also rather like saying their words back at them. For example ‘ oh yes your house is such a small, compact little thing … must be very cheap to heat’ and then you say ‘oh yes we’re so lucky it’s such a small, compact little thing… it IS easy to heat’.

The main thing for me is to avoid people like this at all costs or at least reduce contact. I wouldn't communicate with her directly regarding arrangements just let DH do that.

If you're in her presence then just don't pay her any attention. If she comes out with a barbed comment then pretend you haven't heard and just ignore her. If she says it again, then respond with a "Huh? Did you say something?". Make her say it three times. Make it difficult for her.

Also, reframe her in your mind. At the moment, she has power over you but who is she really and why do you value her opinion? She sounds like a small minded bitter old hag to me. How do you treat people? Raise you bar and set the expectation. If anyone falls short they are not for you. People with high self esteem don't need to put others down.

I had a friend who put up with a horrible bullying boss for far too long. He was absolutely vile to her and convinced her that she was rubbish at her job. She wasn't at all but took all of his comments to heart and spent all of her time and energy trying to prove him wrong. It wasn't until I pointed it to her that the real problem lie with him being a shit manager and she shouldn't value his opinion that she finally saw the light.

Perhaps an unpopular take on this but could it be your own projections ? I ask because I have found over the years that there are more people who perceive the words of others as critical than there are people who are genuinely deliberately critical. My SIL is amazing and we have a great relationship but often I find that she assumes people are being passive aggressive and critical when to me they are being very nice or offering advice. (family members etc).
I think this is because she has low confidence but it's often family members or friends that she feels threatened by- I wonder if you feel threatened by her in any way?
Most people are not thinking about you when they're talking, they are thinking about themselves.

I had the same issue with my SIL. I'd burn with rage inside for weeks after. I worked out she really wanted to get a reaction so I just started laughing back at shitty comments, then started to use some questions back (I lined some up in advance so I wouldn't get stuck) like 'That's so interesting. Do you often find you have that sort of problem with people you meet in life?' then, 'oh, just me then?' if she responded with something cutting. She doesn't do it to me anymore but it took a lot of time and faking that I didn't care was hard. Basically, she's a twat and I don't want to waste anymore time thinking about her and feeling shit