Is it better to be prepared or unprepared for birth / Labour?

[Pregnantandirrelevant]

I have started with some books and have some classes booked but I have never watched anything like one born every minute or heard someone’s birth story in detail.

Do you think it’s better to know what’s coming or not? I’m scared!

YABU - knowledge is power
YANBU - it will scare you more

You have no control over anything so let your body and the doctors do their thing.

The only outcome that matters is baby and you being alive and well.

The biggest risk is baby not coming out fast enough for whatever reason so the first time anyone mentions csection, insist upon it.

”Maybe baby is too big…”
“Baby is starting to get stressed”
”Labour is taking too long”

CSEC!

Hmmmm.

The issue is that birth ‘education’ centres a lot around candles, TENS machines, birth pools and the like.

The simple fact is as a first time mum you have an equal chance of a caesarean, instrumental delivery and spontaneous vaginal delivery (about a third each). So you’re more likely to have a medicalised experience than a straightforward one. Your age, whether you’re being induced and your BMI can also affect these odds. It’s quite weird women aren’t informed of this.

I went to an antenatal yoga class a while ago, the other women were all first time mums. Most of them (and this is no criticism) were either older mums, very overweight or both. Yet they all seemed convinced they were going to have a natural water birth at home or in the midwife lead centre. I didn’t say anything but their odds seem pretty slim to me and I’m amazed nobody has informed them of this.

My friend gave me a good bit of advice and that was "plan all you like, your baby will arrive, but they will plan their own birth"

Find techniques to help you through each contraction. Mine was simply counting so I knew each one was going to last a certain number (can't remember what it was now!). Stay hydrated. Drink between each contraction. Move around if you can. If you want pain relief, have it. You can't control what's going to happen but you can control how you react and deal with it. If you do that you will feel better.

I thought I was prepared for #1. I'd read lots practiced everything I could possibly practiced, and was excited. I had everything ready, beautifully ready for about a week beforehand!
When I went into labour at 1am, I woke dh up in excitement and we talked until 9am in excitement. #1 was born 7am the next day after a very tiring labour with epidural. That 8 hours I could have slept through early labour would have been very helpful.

With #3 I poked dh at 5am to say I was in labour. At 8am, he woke up and asked if he'd dreamt me saying I was in labour.🤣
Ds was born at 1am the next morning, and we were home by 4am. We were so badly prepared that I hadn't bothered with a birth plan and we hadn't got anything out ready for the baby. Ds spent the rest of his first night in a doll's cot as that was all we had out.

So preparing didn't do me much good.
However that's probably the difference between #1 and #3 rather than preparation.

I'd say, yes to preparation. Know what your options are.
But don't expect it to all go to plan. The people I know who told me that the baby would be breathed out gently on exactly the due date (they alone knew their exact date and were most insulted that we suggested baby might not come on that date) had all the painkillers they were allowed and baby was born a fortnight late. I suspect the fact they were so certain exactly what would happen was a great factor in the dp nearly being escorted off site by security them not coping very well.

If you decide on an epidural then the midwife waving a consent form in front of your nose in the middle of labour-well, you'll sign anything at that point. So it's not a bad idea to know the pros and cons of anything you may be offered.
A big sign saying "DO NOT WAKE ME UP! I HATE TEA" would have been very helpful as well.

Have what you need ready in a bag, including things like phone chargers. With ds we hadn't even taken a car seat in and needed to borrow one from the hospital. You don't know how quickly you may need to get in. #3 was nearly born in the lift on the way up. That wouldn't have been on my birth plan even if I'd got round to writing one.

Stay at home as long as sensible. With #1 we rushed in and I should have probably waited another 12 hours before going in. Although I did go in on the bus, so maybe that was a good idea. With #3 we left it too long. Nearly oops.

And the other thing is that don't set your heart on a particular labour. I've know a couple of people who years down the line are still upset because they didn't have the perfect birth they'd planned.

Just remember that it won't last forever and it's better than appendicitis because at the end you will have a lovely baby, and that's the best bit.

Prepared but flexible. Have a plan but be willing to just go with the flow if it doesn't happen.

Try Charlotte Croft's the good birth companion, this was the best book I read for labour prep.

I watched One Born Every Minute for the first time a few weeks before going into labour- it was brilliant. It’s all happy endings but realistic and it meant I understood what was happening when I was in a medical situation. I found NCT was theoretical vs OBEM which was much more realistic.

I think there’s a risk that not knowing anything can bring more panic as you don’t know what is right/normal.

I you hypnobirthing with my first and the reality was so horrendous in comparison that it took me years to recover! I had zero fear about childbirth, none, nada. I thought I was sorted because of the hypnoborthing.

I was extremely nervous approaching baby 2 and opted for a planned c section for baby 3 as I was just too horrified to do it again.

Naivite can be very dangerous. The bets thing is to prepare your mind so you can stay strong, remember that it won't last for ever, that every contraction brings you closer to it being over.

Having been through both, I'd take the not prepared one any day. All I done was scare myself with knowledge.

My best advice would be to read what you can and prepare for the birth you don’t want so that you are in the best position for knowing what to do to recover.

As someone else has said though, every birth is completely different and there might not be much you can do to influence the outcomes of yours. If you plan to breastfeed though, there is a huge benefit in reading up in advance to understand the physiology and common issues to help you get the best start with the little one’s breastfeeding.

I totally underestimated the unparalleled and prolonged agony of my first birth. I was all about the water, the bouncy balls, the candles. All that went to shit when the pain kicked in properly, and that shock and fear was overwhelming at times.

I think I'd have been better off going into it expecting the torture, then anything less would have been a bonus!

I did the PBC digital course too - I found the videos very helpful & I felt better for knowing that everything I was experiencing was normal & what my body was doing at each stage.

You need to understand each stage, options in labour eg pain management / water birth etc as well as intervention that you may or may not require.
I would also do some research on recovery as nobody prepared me for that (first recovery was tough, second and third fine / normal!).
You don't need to hear birth stories if you don't want to, you'll always hear the bad ones!

Oh you really need to know.

There are so many choices and decisions to be made.

I know of one woman who went in blind and ended up with such a bad birth she needed reconstructive surgery a year after birth.

Another thought she was dying when she 'passed a huge clot after birth'. Turns out she had never heard of the 3rd stage of labour/ the placenta needing birthed!

Going to against the grain here and say to watch as many individual stories as you can.

The hypno birthing whatever it is (sorry never bought into that one), the positive ones, the ones that didn’t go to plan, the ones where theyre trauamtised, the ones where it was magical, the ones they were so high on gas and air, the ones where they lose the baby, the ones where it’s quick and one’s where it’s slow.

I watched “this is going to hurt” too which really helped as well, I’ve dated a couple of doctors too and just knowing you’re not that important and someone’s just trying to get to the end of their shift and this is the shit they do everyday is very refreshing and reassuring for some reason.

It’s so helpful once you’re in the delivery room when they say something and you’ve watched and listened to it so many ways you’re mildly aware of where about an and what’s happening. Also that you’ve heard peoples individual’s rationales for making choices. Good luck! x

A mix - be prepared in terms of actual factual knowledge but I'd steer clear of shows like one born every minute etc.
I did calm birth school hypnobirthing which is a scientific look at the process of birth and I found it fascinating. It also meant that at each stage I knew what was coming and could be prepared (eg at about 8cm dilated, a lot go through a "I can't do this anymore" phase during birth). Also things like making sure your bladder is empty, knowing your "rights" and what terminology means etc. Very useful for both you and your partner.
This might not be a very popular thing to say, but it's true that the women I know who've had terrible births have gone into it unprepared and unaware of what was going on, so they felt out of control of the situation and were also led by midwives etc rather than making their own decisions, whether that's to have an ELCS, or whether to be induced or the pros and cons of different drugs

I was scared so I avoided knowing too much about what would happen. This was a mistake since my DD got stuck in the “back to back” position and I was in excruciating pain. I panicked and froze. A midwife had to shout at me and tell me what to do as I was clueless. My DH also hadn’t bothered coming to many of the NCT classes (where they’d told us it was like a period pain so…) so he was even more clueless

Knowledge is power. I read a lot about different labours, births and recovery so I had some idea of what to expect.
My friend was adamant she didn’t want to know anything, ended up with a traumatic C section and was in a bad way afterwards for quite some time.