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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is it better to be prepared or unprepared for birth / Labour?

69 replies

Pregnantandirrelevant · 19/01/2023 16:29

I have started with some books and have some classes booked but I have never watched anything like one born every minute or heard someone’s birth story in detail.

Do you think it’s better to know what’s coming or not? I’m scared!

YABU - knowledge is power
YANBU - it will scare you more

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 19/01/2023 17:12

Prepared, but I don't think birth stories or OBEM by themselves are helpful. (Some people like them - I wouldn't discourage if you want to watch/listen/read).

The kind of preparation that is helpful IMO:

Knowing about the stages of labour, what physiologically is happening during each stage and therefore what to expect/what to do.

Knowing about the roles of hormones in labour and how your environment and the way you are feeling can influence you - this helps you make decisions about where to be/who to have with you especially during the early stages, assuming that for the later stages you will be in hospital, probably with your partner.

Having lots of different ideas/tools up your sleeve to cope particularly again in the early stages which can be long and drawn out and it's helpful to pace yourself.

Knowing about the most common complications and interventions that can happen/might be offered, what they are used with, in what situation they are helpful and what would happen if that was something that was offered to you.

Knowing about the different methods of pain relief, how they can help, at what stage of labour you would generally use them and what to expect.

Learning a format for asking questions about making decisions such as BRAIN (benefits, risks, alternatives, immediate (what happens if we wait), nothing (what happens if we do nothing))

When you know this stuff, I think that watching/reading/listening to birth stories can be helpful, especially if you're using that birth story to learn more about something (e.g. induction, or waterbirth or back to back position or EMCS) and if you're the kind of person who just likes to consume a lot of information, then a lot of birth stories can kind of fill that gap.

I really liked my NCT classes, though I learned later my teacher was unusual because she focused very much on all this practical stuff - I heard from others that some NCT classes focus more on the risks of intervention, without the context of what they are useful for, or make it sound like techniques such as breath control and movement can magically eliminate all pain, rather than the reality which is that they help you get through the experience of labour, which is very intense (and, yes, painful).

This teacher now runs some different antenatal classes with a business partner, her partner makes this podcast, which is very useful for your partner (and I think a lot of the early episodes are brilliant "basics of birth" explainers) www.birthability.co.uk/podcast/

I also found the book Birth Skills invaluable. Especially making myself a bullet point list of different things to try.

People caution against preparing too much, I think what they mean is expecting to control too much. If you have a very set idea how the birth is going to go, and it's going to go this way because I've done what was said in the hypnobirthing class (or whatever) then it can be difficult if it goes a different way, especially if you've taken on some idea that pain/intervention/difficulty is "caused" by not doing things in a certain way (which isn't true).

Good luck!

ShowOfHands · 19/01/2023 17:12

unknownscot · 19/01/2023 16:46

I didn't really know what hypnobirthing was but I did the online positive birthing company course and had the most fantastic labour. I was induced at 38 weeks and I absolutely loved labour. It was definitely down to the course.

I managed to film my birth and love watching it back too. 😱

I did a hypnobirthing course and was well prepped for a water birth. I ended up with a very intervention heavy labour and emcs. Hypnobirthing =/= a guarantee of anything.

OP, learn about the mechanisms of birth and the options available to you. Perhaps through local antenatal classes and then things that appeal like hypnobirthing, choose who you have with you carefully and make sure they know what good support looks like to you and hopefully, you'll sneeze the baby out with minimal pain 😁

wednesdaynamesep · 19/01/2023 17:13

I was quite fearful before my first was born. My biggest fear was induction and forceps delivery.

I ended up with an induction and forceps delivery, and it was fine.

Don't be scared. What I wasn't prepared for was that the thing that everyone calls 'pain' felt to me like an absolutely mind-blowing force. I can't think of another word except pain, to describe it, but it wasn't pain like cutting yourself or banging your head or anything like that. It was like a primeval force entered my body and fought some kind of battle in there and I was just a grumpy host. I went into some kind of weird mind zone focussing on it. I eventually had an epidural because the battle just overwhelmed me and I was exhausted. It was fast and furious and so intense.

Second child, induced again. But I wasn't scared. In fact, I was having a massive political argument with my husband just as they started the drip. More preoccupied with that than what was about to happen.

I marvel at the experiences now with sense of complete wonder (not fear) that my body did that. Totally extraordinary. I'm so glad I had those experiences.

unknownscot · 19/01/2023 17:14

I never said it guaranteed anything. What is does though is give you a massive insight into how labour works and how you can control some aspects and adapt to anything that isn't your preference.

I have three rounds of ivf and was well equipped for things not going to plan.

However I stand by what I said - hypnobirthing was fantastic for my husband and I

MoreSleepPleasee · 19/01/2023 17:17

I went in thinking I'm sure I'll manage and was traumatised to the point he's 16 and I'm still in my mid 30s but will never have more despite wanting more. So much better to be prepared.

Favouritefruits · 19/01/2023 17:25

I read and researched everything about labour and birth, it wall went out the window. I demanded drugs for the pain (it was too late I couldn’t have any) though my birth plan said no dugs 100% natural. I didn’t want to pant or breath like the books I just wanted to lie flat on my back and scream.

if your interested research but don’t set your heart on anything and take it all with a pinch of salt.

Favouritefruits · 19/01/2023 17:28

One thing I wish I’d known earlier is that waters don’t always break, my son was born in his. I thought waters always broke before labour!

JanuaryBlues2023 · 19/01/2023 17:38

Go with an open mind, above else. Try and control your breathing and try and stay as calm as possible. The worst pain is when the babies head comes out it is like a burning sensation but it doesn’t last long.

Go prepared in terms in things you may want in your bag for you and baby. Definitely don’t forget a towel for yourself and some nice shower gel otherwise you won’t be able to have a shower afterwards.

I was over 35 when I had mine now 17 and 19 and found reading a book called something like Being a Mother Over 35 or something by Julia Berryman really informative (in terms of pain relief etc). I was fortunate that I managed to control my breathing and gave birth relatively easily although I was extremely scared. You have to think of it if child birth was so bad that why on earth would anyone have more than one. I had two and immediately after giving birth to each I wanted another.

Thesonglastslonger · 19/01/2023 17:39

Don’t read lots of random birth stories. Someone else’s story is probably irrelevant to you, except your mother who will probably have a similar stage 1->2 process.

Do know:

  • what the stages of labour are
  • a breathing technique to reduce pain (this really helps)
  • ways to speed up labour (birth ball, squatting etc)
  • how to give birth unassisted should you get stuck in a snowdrift (ie support babies head and know that it turns) and make sure that the dad knows how to support the baby’s head in case he has to deliver
  • that the baby’s head will be pointy at first and it will sort itself out quite quickly
Sprig1 · 19/01/2023 17:40

I think it is best not to know too much,it isn't that fun (but is worth it).

StarCourt · 19/01/2023 17:48

Im a firm believer in knowledge is power. But my 3rd trimester was so difficult, constantly in and out of hospital, missed all my ante natal classes because of it. Ended up being induced with 48 hrs notice and 4 weeks early, I was terrified!

Twattergy · 19/01/2023 17:50

Another vote for as much hypnobirthing prep as possible. Going into it unprepared doesn't mean you go into it with no knowledge, it means you go into it with (possibly dangerous) misconceptions. I say this because I realised I held these misconceptions until I had some eduction. By this I mean things like 'women give birth lying on their backs screaming in agony' or 'having an epidural is a failure' or 'water birthing is the best' etc etc. We are fed a lot of ideas about birthing we'll before we ever get to do it ourselves. So it is a very very good idea to learn about what is actually happening to your body during birth, how we are designed to do it, what things like induction and epidurals actually are. Good luck it is an amazing experience!

BuffaloCauliflower · 19/01/2023 17:58

Another to strongly recommend the Positive Birth Company online course. It will prepare you to understand what’s happening and advocate for yourself no matter what birth you have. Just had my second baby last week, very different from my first in many ways but both positive thanks to PBC course. Definitely don’t do no prep, you need to have a sense of what’s coming. I will say I got a TENS machine on early both times and actually found the pain quite manageable with that. I think the pain wasn’t as bad as Id thought, and my first labour was 30 hours long

Berklilly · 19/01/2023 18:10

Personally I would have like to know, but I'm aware loads of people don't so it really depends on your personality.
None of what I learned at NCT, pregnancy yoga etc was of any use to me in the end.

I agree that having a strong advocate that understands what's happening and can argue your case with the midwifes can make a huge difference, but IME you can't change the personality of your partner or really predict their reaction.
If you know someone that 100% will know what to do in case of problem during labour then do ask them to be your birth partner!

The stories I would have liked to know about aren't much about labour or birth, unless you have a specific birthing method in mind. But I would have liked other women to give me a heads up about the conditions at the hospital I was going to. The understaffing and bad practices were the main cause of my problems during and after labour, and I just wished I had known as I could have prepared for it. Instead, everyone shared told me about it afterwards!

TruffleShuffles · 19/01/2023 18:24

As a few pp have suggested, the positive birth company online course was brilliant for me. It explains all parts of labour really clearly and explains what options you may have and why. Having a basic understanding of what was happening and what the midwives were talking about was really reassuring for me.

CakeCrumbs44 · 19/01/2023 18:26

I wouldnt ask people for their birth stories because they just frighten you and don't really help as the chance of your birth being the same is low. Books and classes like NCT or those put on by NHS area probably more useful.

TruffleShuffles · 19/01/2023 18:27

I will add that I never did a birth plan though, I felt happier going in with more of an understanding of what could happen and what options I had so I could make informed decisions at the time rather than focusing on a plan that could go out of the window instantly.

DashboardConfessional · 19/01/2023 18:34

My recommendations are:

Research pain relief. I found out about renting a TENS machine via NCT and it was incredibly helpful. I also readily accepted the offer of an epidural when I went in for induction as I knew these are intense births - didn't need it in the end as I never got to the drip.

Research induction. You don't have to be overdue to need one. I had Premature Rupture of Membranes at 38 weeks and needed one to avoid infection.

Research the hospital if you plan to go - for e.g. I knew that postpartum care was going to be a bit shit so I transferred to a midwife unit after one night, and I knew my ward wouldn't accept snacks with nuts in due to patient allergies.

Also highly recommend some form of Lucozade. I absolutely caned the lozenges.

Tumbleweed101 · 19/01/2023 18:39

I read everything I could when I was pregnant. All the life before birth stuff about the baby, all the labour stuff and all the potential drugs and interventions. By being prepared I was able to cope and make decisions. I ended up with four easy home births and I'm sure knowing what to expect, despite still feeling apprehensive, helped me stay calm and focused.

summersun29 · 19/01/2023 20:09

Depends what you mean by prepare. It's not useful to hear anyone else's story IMO because every one is different. I had a phobia of childbirth and tbh it was mostly because a lot of people revelled in telling me how awful it/all the gorey details.

So I went to ante natal classes, practised hypnobirthing and learned about my options and choices. This really empowered me, I felt in control and had a quick and easy labour. I'm so glad I took control.

summersun29 · 19/01/2023 20:11

And yes, researching pain relief options! I used a TENS machine, and that got me through it so much so that I didn't use anything else - really really recommend!

VestaTilley · 19/01/2023 20:12

Better to have very low expectations - then if it’s not too bad you’ll be pleasantly surprised. There’s only so much preparation you can do.

If it gets too bad, ask for an epidural.

RedRobyn2021 · 19/01/2023 20:16

I would recommend watching one born every minute, it dramatises birth, but I would always recommend learning as much as you can about birth so you can be prepared to make informed choices.

UWhatNow · 19/01/2023 20:18

I’d watched three decades of film and tv portraying birth as something very panicky, screamy and painful. That’s all I needed to know to insist on an epidural and thank God I did.

The one birth I had with no pain relief (because we were too late) was very quick and all three of those things - panicky, screamy and painful.

An early, relaxed epidural is the only thing you need to prepare for. Happy days.

SomethingOriginal2 · 19/01/2023 20:24

I wholly believe that you need to know all about all the options before you go in. You don't want to be learning about something when it's happening to you. I didn't even read the consent form for my c section. But I knew what it was. Because I'd researched everything I knew that when my labour wasn't progressing I was likely to need assistance I.e forceps if I did eventually get to the stage of attempting a vaginal birth. So I chose to go for a c section before we got to that stage rather than put myself and DS through all that. If I hadn't don't that research they would have kept waiting until we needed a c section anyway/we showed signs of sepsis/we needed assistance during a difficult and dangerous birth.