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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Self love comes second!

39 replies

blondein · 19/01/2023 15:47

Been with OH a couple of years

I have a high sex drive, his isn't as much.

It's been a month since he touched me sexually, however I have given him plenty!

He hasn't been in the mood for a week. He was about to pleasure himself but I came home early. So he said he waited for me and then I did something...

Problem is, when he masturbates it makes him want sex less often, and if it's recent, he isn't as interested if we do actually have sex!

AIBU that he should prioritise sex over masturbating?

In the last 3 months he has touched me maybe 3 times... he takes but never gives and I'm getting fed up. For example and this might be TMI but I mostly initiate things. In an average month we might have sex a few times (very quick and I won't get any foreplay or any orgasm!) and the rest of the time he gets blowjobs or handjobs but I get nothing. At all.

He's literally never asked to see me naked or got me naked... never touched my boobs... the first time was literally 4 months ago (after me nagging) and we've been together 2 years. He just doesn't seem interested at all. He says he finds me attractive and wants me but doesn't show that... he literally wants it from behind with my clothes on, or he'll
Go on top with my clothes on...won't touch me...

And if I ask for foreplay it puts him off cos he's lazy and would rather just do what he wants...

We have a no porn rule for this reason (and many others, he makes me feel like crap)

I've begged this man to stop being so selfish and I've stopped initiating stuff, all that happens then is we have a week or more wheee nothing happens, then cos it's been a while he wants me; but it's over with in seconds because it's been a while.

Starting to think he doesn't like me... but it's been this way since we met.

OP posts:
RayaRyder · 19/01/2023 15:49

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Nurse2022 · 19/01/2023 15:51

Why are you with him . . .?

keepareaclean · 19/01/2023 15:52

Starting to think he doesn't like me... but it's been this way since we met.

Why have you stayed with him for 2 years

TheEverdelightfulsamantha · 19/01/2023 15:53

Yep, ditch him - you are not compatible

itsabigtree · 19/01/2023 15:53

Oh wow. Just move on. This isn't what life should be like.

Dillydollydingdong · 19/01/2023 15:53

He's rubbish in bed and he doesn't care. It's never gonna change. So how important is sex to you?

Soapnotshowergel · 19/01/2023 15:54

In the bin with him. Next!

Anotheanon · 19/01/2023 15:55

@RayaRyder is right but you do not have to be involved in his masturbation at all. I cannot see why you would agree to this.

I also can’t see why you have stayed with him.

Mardyface · 19/01/2023 15:58

He sounds horrible. Why do you have sex with someone who has literally no interest in your pleasure or enjoyment?

CantAskAnyoneElse · 19/01/2023 16:03

You are being U for trying to have sex with someone who clearly doesn’t want it.

I’ll never understand people who want to have sex with someone who doesn’t want it.

Porn is an okey dealbreaker to have.
But hus masturbation is not your business.

Imthegingerbreadwoman · 19/01/2023 16:03

I honestly would wonder if he was gay or bi. To sleep with you from behind and clothes on seems a bit strange to me!

Besides that I wouldn't put up with it and would end the relationship if you have no ties. What's the rest of the relationship like?

christmaslover88 · 19/01/2023 16:06

What the fuck are you doing with someone who appears to be repulsed by the mere thought of your naked body? (And most likely, any female naked body)

This man is so fucked up

You have got to raise your bar out of the gutter and walk away. Honestly, why do women get into relationships with men who are shit in bed, is just makes them think it's acceptable

Op, an important rule I always had when dating: if a man doesn't ensure I achieve orgasm first EVERY time there is intimacy then he goes in the bin. Life is too short for shit sex. I never allow penetration until I've had an orgasm, as you can't ensure an orgasm during piv and no fucking way am I missing out. If my pleasure isn't important to him then he's a selfish bastard and there's not a chance in hell I'm providing him with any pleasure

AnotherSpare · 19/01/2023 16:22

I generally don't suggest people split on this site, but in this case I think you should. You don't sound at all compatible.
He will only have sex from behind, with clothes on, no build up, no orgasm for you - he's not into you at all.
Split, find someone who really wants you.

Yeahrightthen · 19/01/2023 16:28

Why do you want to have sex with him? I don’t get it - he’s shown you for two years he’s not interested and can’t be arsed even taking the time to undress you. He’s using you as a wank-sock.

You really shouldn’t have to beg someone for sex.

And I don’t believe for one minute he’s not watching porn!

OldFan · 19/01/2023 16:30

That is a really shit sex 'life' OP. Bin.

weinerdog · 19/01/2023 16:33

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

she's allowed to have an opinion in his pen habits as it's affecting their relationship and her self esteem I imagine. She hasn't said he should stop masturbating just do it less! How is that unreasonable WTAF

Choconut · 19/01/2023 16:37

Vastly different sex drives is a complete deal breaker for me, you'll never be happy like this and it's unlikely to ever change so you need to move on.

WedonttalkaboutMaureen · 19/01/2023 16:40

This is so sad to read. He really doesn't care about you or your happiness or pleasure at all does he?

I'm also getting bi/closet gay vibes.

Dump and find someone who adores the sight of you, can't wait to undress you and wants to see you fulfilled. Life's too short for anything else.

TheLeadbetterLife · 19/01/2023 16:43

Two years??

I'd have ditched him after two weeks.

Christ.

FinallyHere · 19/01/2023 16:48

he takes but never gives and I'm getting fed up.

Simples. Stop giving without receiving.

won't get any foreplay or any orgasm!

Just don't have sex regularly with any partner who does not reciprocate. I'm mean, why would you ?

he makes me feel like crap)

Especially don't allow anyone in your life who makes you feel like this.

Thesonglastslonger · 19/01/2023 16:52

Do you have children with him? If not, walk away now. Far far better men are out there. (My DH makes sure I orgasm at least once everytime we have sex, and that this is before any PIV.)

Your man is shit in bed and worse than that, completely selfish. You can’t fix him. Why you’ve put up with this for two years I have no idea.

Forget about sex for a minute. Imagine if you stay with him and have babies. It’s 2am, he’s asleep in bed but you haven’t slept yet, you’re downstairs trying to soothe an upset teething baby. Suddenly your upstairs toddler wakes up, vomits all over her bed, and starts crying. Does the dad (a) get up and comfort the toddler and change her bedding, or (b) dash downstairs and ask to take the baby so that you can work out what to do with the toddler, or (c) stay in his bed and leave the whole thing for you to deal with?

Your partner would definitely be option (c) and that is why you should leave. Two years into the relationship should be the fun bit! Things get much harder…

LaLuz7 · 19/01/2023 16:56

Starting to think he doesn't like me... but it's been this way since we met.

sorry OP, the writing was on the wall...

He is not attracted to you. For whatever reason. Maybe he is gay. Maybe he settled for you and the attraction was never really there.

Bottom line is... you're flogging a dead horse. And you'll destroy any sense of self worth if you continue.

Go find someone who wants to fuck you. Dick is cheap and in abundance.

Minfilia · 19/01/2023 17:06

He’s completely selfish and it’s all very one sided isn’t it? It’s all about him.

Do you really want this for the rest of your life? He isn’t going to change. If the answer is no, save yourself the grief and split up now - it’s not going to get any better and if anything it will probably get worse the longer you are together.

RayaRyder · 19/01/2023 17:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

weinerdog · 19/01/2023 17:43

Ok so don't discuss sex love and pen and just sit and fester with rage. Again, I Don’t remember op saying anything about banning porn. If you are doing some that affects your partners self esteem like flirting with others, turning down sex, or watching porn, it's your problem too. You can't just do what you like without any regard in a partnership.

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