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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt by colleague?

58 replies

TheLostNights · 19/01/2023 14:38

Been confiding in her a lot about difficult colleagues and she has always had my back.
There was a mix up where she expected me to be back from a work lunch at a certain time and I was not but I had told the other colleagues but they were not listening and were also wondering where I was. So she ended up leaving the office late. Then when I apologised by text she seemed a bit off and today has barely said a word to me and when I tried explaining what had happened, she didn't say anything, just sort of nodded and walked off. Aibu to say she should be talking to me if there is an issue and not behaving so sullen?

OP posts:
Emmamoo89 · 19/01/2023 16:04

YADNBU X

RayaRyder · 19/01/2023 16:07

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MichelleScarn · 19/01/2023 16:12

Wingedharpy · 19/01/2023 15:39

But, even if they had listened and relayed info to her, you would still have been late back and she would, presumably, still have been late leaving.
Why were you late?

This, surely if you are planning on not coming back from a break on time and you KNOW this will impact others you check its OK first? What if she had other commitments or plans?!

Aquamarine1029 · 19/01/2023 16:12

Been confiding in her a lot about difficult colleagues and she has always had my back.

This is extremely foolish of you, and she's not your therapist. If you need one, get one, but stop dumping your emotional rubbish on your colleague.

unfortunateevents · 19/01/2023 16:28

Surely if you knew you were going to be back late from a lunch and your return meant that your colleague couldn't leave until you got back, the person to speak to about it was the actual colleague, not other people in the office? I mean even if she had known that you were going to come back late, what was your solution to the problem - that she was just going to have to stay late anyway, regardless of whether it suited her or not?

PhillySub · 19/01/2023 16:32

It was your responsibility to inform your friend not your colleagues.

TangledWebOfDeception · 19/01/2023 16:38

You're relating to her like a friend and because of that you expected her to make allowances for you when you apologised in the way a longstanding friend might. But you're not friends, you're colleagues, and she's rightly annoyed that she had to stay late. That's fair enough IMO. I'm sure she'll get over it. If you pull back a bit it will be easier for you, as your expectations have been muddled.

pattihews · 19/01/2023 16:53

TheLostNights · 19/01/2023 15:06

As I said, I had told the others so if they had listened, they would have relayed this back to her. It was their fault for not listening.

No, you don't put a trusted colleague in a situation where they have to stay late till you return and just say 'I told the others, not my fault if they didn't listen.'

Clearly, she couldn't leave until you got back. It didn't matter what time you would normally be back and whether you said anything or not. You changed the arrangement and came back late and she had to stay. Of course she's going to be annoyed with you.

Wishimaywishimight · 19/01/2023 17:03

She's annoyed she had to stay late because of you. Yes, you apologised, but she's still allowed to be a bit irritated. An apology doesn't make someone feel instantly un-irritated. Just leave her alone until things get back to normal.

Also, I'd stop talking about other colleagues, it's unprofessional and will likely come back and bite you at some point.

KrisAkabusi · 19/01/2023 17:23

There was a mix up where she expected me to be back from a work lunch at a certain time and I was not but I had told the other colleagues but they were not listening and were also wondering where I was. So she ended up leaving the office late.

Even if your colleagues had passed on the message, you still had planned on being late and hadn't checked with her if this was ok. You were still making her late, knew you would be, but hadn't agreed that this was ok.

Been confiding in her a lot about difficult colleagues and she has always had my back.

Stop talking about other people behind their backs! And frankly, if you think all your colleagues are difficult, and now she thinks you are too, maybe she's realising its not all one-sided.

WeAreOnTheRoadToNowhere · 19/01/2023 17:27

Shouldn't you have asked her if she minded staying to cover you rather than passing a message and giving her no choice

NeedToChangeName · 19/01/2023 17:29

I'd be interested to hear her side of this story

LIZS · 19/01/2023 17:34

Were you later than you should have been? If she gossips with you, she probably does with others. It all sounds very petty.

CoraPirbright · 19/01/2023 18:01

So it’s no one’s fault but yours?

How do you know that, in leaving late, she missed something important? Or not important but just screwed up her evening?

YABU

Original poster
TheLostNights · 19/01/2023 18:04

It's not like I hadn't told anyone, the others knew but chose to ignore me.
I don't see why I should go around to the whole group telling them individually.

OP posts:
RayaRyder · 19/01/2023 18:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

LIZS · 19/01/2023 18:08

But you knew in doing so that the ratio would fall and noone could leave until you returned. Unless your absence was work related you took advantage and the delay was selfish. Your colleagues can no longer rely on you,

TurtleTriplets · 19/01/2023 18:15

I don't even think it's about wether you told people or not, you made her late, I would be annoyed too. You know they can't leave until you get back so why do you think you can decided that other people have to be late to suit you!

WhyIsntItFridayYet · 19/01/2023 18:18

TheLostNights · 19/01/2023 15:06

As I said, I had told the others so if they had listened, they would have relayed this back to her. It was their fault for not listening.

How would any of them knowing mean she didn’t have to leave late because of ratios though?

sillysmiles · 19/01/2023 18:22

There doesn't seem to be a lot of self reflection or ownership of the issue here. Everything it someone else's fault.

You told other people you'd be late - but didn't ask/tell the person who would have to stay on to cover you and who has been your go to sounding board for work issues. Either you are very immature or self centred as you don't seem to be accepting any responsibility here.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 19/01/2023 18:23

So she's upset with you and not talking to you about it, but you think she should.

When you're upset with other colleagues you talk behind their backs to her, instead of talking to them about it.

Perhaps practice what you preach, eh?

And her knowing you're going to be late doesn't magically fix the ratio so she can leave, does it. She'd still not be able to leave even if she knew where you were.

LIZS · 19/01/2023 18:26

Is this a reverse?

Overthebow · 19/01/2023 18:29

Did you ask her if she minded you being back late and therefore her leaving late?

Gazelda · 19/01/2023 18:35

If you'd been back from lunch on time, would she have been able to leave on time?

Was it just you being late that meant she had to stay late?

If I were you, I'd simply make her a cuppa next time you're both in work and then see if it's blown over. If it has, all good. If it hasn't, the. Just get on with your job and leave her alone.

In any case, always tell the person it impacts if you're changing from usual arrangements. Don't rely on others to pass on a message - they may forget or be called elsewhere.

Whatever you do, don't make this into a drama that creates more tension in the team.

WallaceinAnderland · 19/01/2023 18:43

If she is gossiping with you about others, you can be sure she is gossiping with others about you.