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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH choosing to start his new job early when I could go into labour at anytime

46 replies

Fam89 · 19/01/2023 11:23

So my DH was due to start his new job just after the baby was born, currently he's working from home. He has requested to leave early to start his new job (an hour away)!

I'll be 36 or so weeks pregnant and it's been a difficult pregnancy so far. I've only just got over covid and I'm now struggling with IBS which can be so painful😭 I said who's going to pick the DC up from school? (if I'm not up to it) He said "don't worry about it" and started going on about "I'm going to get you a new car" (we currently have one car)

WTH

No!!! I am a nervous driver and already panic when doing any driving and don't plan on driving past a certain point.

I feel like he's not thought about me AT ALL!!
The fact he's choosing to start early when I'll be at my most vulnerable and can go into labour at any time! My last labour was 1hr 45 mins, start of first contraction to finish!

AIBU to say you're being a huge D* and being selfish???
There is no reason for him to be starting early either. Everything was all planned out and now I'm literally on my own!!!

OP posts:
MRSDoos · 19/01/2023 12:19

I’m 24 weeks pregnant with first child and my DH will be working about 30/40 mins away up until the day I give birth, and I’m nervous about that! I can’t imagine how you feel, especially as you have children in school. I understand what you mean, he should start really after baby is born. He can’t just say “don’t worry about it” unless he has a plan in place.

Also when you say he expects you to drive after a certain point, do you mean he is expecting you to pick DC up from school when you are in labour? Or have I misread this

Tricolette · 19/01/2023 12:24

You are both bu.
You can either drive or not and if you passed your test then you can drive.
Do not turn into one of those women that lets their dh do all the driving.

However it was thoughtless of your dh to change existing plans unnecessarily.

Gingernuttie · 19/01/2023 12:35

He could have waited, sure. But I do understand him wanting to get his teeth into the new job before he starts getting no sleep when the new baby comes. It's not ideal though.
You CAN drive, so practise. Get some top up lessons? Don't hobble yourself so young. My MIL will only drive to the shop and she misses out on so much fun stuff.
Regarding going in to labour, just give your husband the heads up at the first tiny twinge and hopefully he'll make it. My husband works on a different island, so in an emergency he'd have to get a RIB ride over (possibly at night) and if I have another fast birth he could miss it. But that's his job. He can't take a month off waiting, so we'll do the best we can and hope for the best 🙂

Iam4eels · 19/01/2023 12:42

He's been thoughtless but there are solutions here.

You need to practice driving the school run, it's a familiar route and (presumably) not a long drive. Even if the only driving you do for now is to school and back it'll make things easier, especially when you have a newborn to contend with too.

Make sure he's relatively easy to reach at work so that if you do go into labour you can get in contact, have your bag ready, have childcare on standby.

At least by the time the baby comes he'll be reasonably settled in his new job and can take some paternity leave without it impacting on his initial training period.

Dreamstate · 19/01/2023 12:50

To be honest I don't think you should even drive, no one needs a person who is so nervous of driving a short distance on the road. Book a taxi and go collect your children if you have. Given he is looking to buy you a new car money clearly isn't an issue.

And this isn't your first child so you've been through it all before.

CatOnTheChair · 19/01/2023 12:51

But, you could go to 42weeks with this pregnancy, and follow that by 2 weeks paternity, the new job will be waiting 2 more months. I'm not sure that is a great solution either.

Do you have access to a car for the school runs? Don't stop driving just because you are pregnant. Do the routes you know for now, and then expand where you are comfortable driving.

Deep breath. It's not what you had planned, but it is what's happening, and I don't think its totally unreasonable. It will be ok.

AnnaTortoiseshell · 19/01/2023 12:57

Pregnancy hormones are rough (believe me, I know!) so I say this with kindness, but really you are being a bit irrational. Clearly you should agree on a plan together and it doesn’t sound like you’re communicating well. Maybe sit down with him and explain your fears, but also listen to what him and what he’s thinking. If you’re 36 weeks you might not have a baby for another six weeks. I don’t think he can realistically hang around the house the whole time waiting for you to go into labour. Also, you can drive, so drive. If you don’t want to, that’s on you. Being heavily pregnant does not preclude you from driving. I commuted 70 miles a day plus driving during my working day until I was 39 weeks with my first. I also lost my absolute shit over some really minor things, so I can relate to going a bit mad at the end of pregnancy. Wishing you all the best!

Bananatushy · 19/01/2023 13:05

Are there any good driving instructors near you which you could help get you back to the swing of things?
might be good for him to start new job properly if he intends on taking pat leave and being at home once the baby comes

mindutopia · 19/01/2023 13:06

Am I reading this correctly? He is working an hour away now. Your last labour was 1 hr and 45 minutes. You only have one car and presumably he is driving the car to work. This means, even if you had time from first contraction to birth, to get to a hospital, you'd not even be able to drive yourself because you wouldn't have a car and you wouldn't have anyone to care for your older child.

Yes, I think that's a bit stupid of him. You labour very quickly. You would be home on your own with another small child, potentially giving birth alone or just with paramedics if they could get to you fast enough. Yes, seems very foolish of him and I get why you are upset.

Coffeeandcrocs · 19/01/2023 13:07

I'd be more concerned about your FH not qualifying for paternity leave as he won't have been in hospital job long enough

SchoolQuestionnaire · 19/01/2023 13:47

I think yab a bit u. When I was expecting dc1 dh worked 1 1/2 hrs away (due to traffic). With dc2 his work was 1 hour away and a further 45 mins from hospital (rural). When my dsis was expecting her do worked 3 hours away in London. We both had a backup plan as it simply was not feasible for our partners to be sat at home waiting for us to go into labour.

I think that your dh is likely wanting to make a start prior to the baby coming so that at a push he can be around if required then. If that’s the case then it’s a positive.

Please take this as meant but the driving really is your issue and I think it’s up to you to work to resolve it. It’s unfair of you to expect dh to all of the driving in your relationship and most pregnant women (that I know anyway) continue to drive until they are in labour. If you don’t feel confident I would suggest taking further lessons as driving will be a huge benefit when you have two dc.

Lollypop701 · 19/01/2023 14:16

Just wondering Who else do you have for support,? Who is having your existing child when you have your second?

IamnotSethRogan · 19/01/2023 14:40

So is he not working now ? Maybe he wants to be earning sooner rather than later ?

If I'm honest it sounds like you're over reacting to what is a perfectly normal set of circumstances. A husband working a bit away and having to drive yourself places. It's not fun when youre not feeling great but it's what the majority of people deal with when pregnant.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 19/01/2023 14:46

Can he do anything like ask to wfh for most of the week from the week before your due date?

Original poster
Fam89 · 19/01/2023 20:02

I Should have made myself clearer, I drive throughout the week BUT won't be driving likely when I'm so heavily pregnant!

My DH has a job that he's supposed to finish at the end of Feb and his new one he should start in the second week of March.

OP posts:
Emmamoo89 · 19/01/2023 20:13

YANBU X

FuzzyPuffling · 19/01/2023 20:14

Fam89 · 19/01/2023 20:02

I Should have made myself clearer, I drive throughout the week BUT won't be driving likely when I'm so heavily pregnant!

My DH has a job that he's supposed to finish at the end of Feb and his new one he should start in the second week of March.

What? I drove myself quite happily (to Sainsbury's and the GP) while in early labour.
We also moved house long distance, 10 days before my due date. I drove myself then too, with my 17 month old DC in the car as well.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 19/01/2023 20:15

Why won’t you be driving when heavily pregnant? That’s anxiety talking, there’s no reason you can’t

Christmaspyjamas · 19/01/2023 20:18

If your husband is working and you aren't then really you should be doing the school run.

It will make your husband feel more secure if he has a few weeks under his belt before taking paternity leave.

Good jobs are hard to find. I don't think he's being selfish he is trying to provide an income for four people and probably weighing how to make an impact in his new role and start having what I assume is a higher salary as soon as possible.

MintJulia · 19/01/2023 20:25

I can understand why he wants to get started at the new job before he takes paternity leave. It will make it easier to do some work from home.

As for transport, say yes to the new car plus make sure you have an alternative to hand just in case - local taxi firm on standby etc. I drove myself to the maternity unit because dp was working away. Not ideal but not a problem.

Who will look after your dc when you are in labour?

SemperIdem · 19/01/2023 20:29

There’s no reason you can’t drive until the end of your pregnancy.

I can see where you’re coming from re him starting a new job but I can also see his perspective and actually, I think he’s right.

NoSquirrels · 19/01/2023 20:30

Is he doing it so that it’s not so difficult with paternity leave? I can imagine that taking paternity leave in the first couple of weeks of a new job would be inconvenient for training etc. Or the new company have requested it. There must be a reason he’s asked to do this.

lanthanum · 19/01/2023 20:47

He is not automatically entitled to paternity leave if he's moved to a new employer. They might have a more generous policy, and maybe they will let him have some time off, but they don't have to.

Hobbitfeet32 · 19/01/2023 20:51

How far away is school? Can you get help from any other parent friends?
What about using a taxi. Tbh I think you need to start practicing driving and not letting it stop you doing things.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 19/01/2023 20:56

I think a lot of men make decisions based on what they want to do then check with their partners. It is not acceptable when you are in a relationship or have a partner.