DH choosing to start his new job early when I could go into labour at anytime

[Fam89]

So my DH was due to start his new job just after the baby was born, currently he's working from home. He has requested to leave early to start his new job (an hour away)!

I'll be 36 or so weeks pregnant and it's been a difficult pregnancy so far. I've only just got over covid and I'm now struggling with IBS which can be so painful😭 I said who's going to pick the DC up from school? (if I'm not up to it) He said "don't worry about it" and started going on about "I'm going to get you a new car" (we currently have one car)

WTH

No!!! I am a nervous driver and already panic when doing any driving and don't plan on driving past a certain point.

I feel like he's not thought about me AT ALL!!
The fact he's choosing to start early when I'll be at my most vulnerable and can go into labour at any time! My last labour was 1hr 45 mins, start of first contraction to finish!

AIBU to say you're being a huge D* and being selfish???
There is no reason for him to be starting early either. Everything was all planned out and now I'm literally on my own!!!

I can see why your husband is doing this, normal life does not stop because of a pregnancy

Why do people assume that because they did something, that someone else who has totally different circumstances, would be able to do the same thing?

Why? When he doesn't actually have to?

No, I don't think he's being a massive dick. I'd much rather start a new job before the baby was born if I was him. He probably doesn't want to wait and then have to get to grips with it when he's also got a new baby as well,as a wife ams other children to look after.

I wouldn’t have been able to drive in late pregnancy - I’m short and have to drive with the seat fully forward. I had massive bumps so physically wouldn’t have been able to reach the pedals.

Leaving the driving issue aside: OP I think YANBU simply because he didn’t discuss it with you first. He might be right that starting earlier is the best solution and there are ways of helping you manage BUT he absolutely should have discussed it with you first before changing a planned arrangement.

Tbh you need to keep driving. I'm currently 36 weeks pregnant, finish work end of next week when I'll be 37 weeks. I either drive to work (bout an hour) or get public transport (bout 1 hr 10). There's nothing to stop you driving, andd if you're a nervous driver you definitely need to keep at it. I have OCD and didn't drive for about 6 years owing to one of my obsessive thoughts, I understand it can be difficult but really don't be one of those women he gets a man to drive her everywhere.

I wouldn't really be upset about your DH being an hour away until you hit the 39 week mark.

But I'm being maybe too chill!

He'll be there for the birth surely?

You'll be fine.
He doesn't need to be with you 24/7.
Rope in n some friends to help with school runs when the time comes.

Pregnancy with IBS isn't great ( I know) but it's not the end of the world.
As to the driving, well you need to get over it.
I don't drive much anymore but that's because I don't need to . I've always been fearful but drove when it mattered.
Get help with your driving if you need. The AA are supposed to be amazing with nervous drivers.

Please don't pull the 'poor me' string.
You are your own person.

It's called "Giving an Example". It shows such things are possible.

I think you're being a little irrational tbh. My DH went from being 15/20 mins away to almost an hour away at 34 weeks. I got on with stuff like a grown up and did what I had to do. I had SPD, could barely walk and was working from home due to covid. I drove to collect and drop off my kids right up to giving birth.

Yes your situation isn't ideal but all of it there is a solution for. If you want to make a drama out of it then fine, but don't blame your DH.

OP, I think YANBU. Firstly, do you have a plan in place for getting to hospital if you go into labour while DH is an hour away at work? Previous poster made a very good point about checking paternity leave - if DH has only just started the new job, is he going to be eligible for any leave? Everyone's different, but I physically couldn't drive past about 36 weeks (no room for bump), and I definitely wouldn't have wanted to be getting to grips with a new car while heavily pregnant, especially if I was an anxious driver anyway!

Except it's always put in such a way as 'My way is right and you are being pathetic.' Even if you've thrown up all the way through your pregnancy or you've broken both legs and had the audacity to accept help from friends, they are superwomen and you just have to get up and carry on.

How can any of us decide whether you are BU or not when you don’t explain why he has chosen to do this.

Why is he starting the new job early?

Thing is, OP said her first baby was born in under 2 hours - the second one could arrive much more quickly. If DH is an hour away, he may well miss the birth WHEN HE DOESN'T HAVE TO. If he stayed at home, it wouldn't matter how quick the labour is, he'll be on hand.
It sounds as if he is also planning to take their car with him, leaving OP, a nervous driver, to deal with getting used to new car by herself when heavily pregnant, knowing she might go into a very fast labour at any time.
If you've had a baby quickly, you'll know how scary it can be , and how a subsequent pregnancy can be shadowed by the worry about what will happen. In my case, DH made it with about 5 minutes to spare. 3rd time around, I had a home birth because I didn't think I'd make it to hospital.
OP, DH has a choice about this, and he's being quite blinkered about the effect on you.
Meanwhile, ask your midwife what you can do to prepare, make sure your existing DC knows how to phone an ambulance, or get hold of a neighbour/friend in emergency. Make sure your neighbours know that it might all happen very quickly when you are by yourself. Make sure anything you might need is at hand.

I would be concerned about him missing the birth - if your first labour was that quick, your second is liable to be supersonic! And driving in late pregnancy can be tricky if you are short and have a biggish bump.

It does seem a somewhat inconsiderate decision on his part.

id view it as he wants to get settled into the new job and make a good impression whilst he’s got sleep on board. That starting after 2 weeks paternity leave will be hard all round.
Unless he is someone who won’t even have his lifestyle changed when then baby arrives, but he’s just maybe trying to get a few weeks under his belt so it’s not as much of an upheavals with a new baby. Surely 2 cars will make sense if you can afford it and maybe make some emergency plans with friends and neighbours for if you go into labour when he’s at work?
Covid whilst pregnant really takes it out if you

I agree. It's really selfish of him to unilaterally decide this.

Decent husbands put their pregnant wives first and don't just decide to be 1hr away from them (when they labour quickly) potentially missing the birth of their children and leaving them with no support.

If he was going to lose his job if he didn't start sooner, that would be a different story. But leaving your wife alone because you fancy starting sooner is a dick move.

But why is reducing his possible upheaval more of a priority than being their for his pregnant wife and likely leaving her to give birth without him?

I don't know any decent men who'd risk leaving their partner to give birth alone just to make their own lives easier.

If he takes the job after the baby is born presumably he'll then have to be in the office full time straight away (after paternity or booked leave) if he starts now they may be a bit more flexible with him in those early weeks as he'll have already been there a month?

Please get help for the driving anxiety especially if you're rural. Life will be so much easier especially with 2 children.

The primary issues here seem to be

1. Communication
2. Consideration

The timings of this job didn’t have to be like this, he has just decided. There may be good reasons for this but even so I really think HIBU not to have discussed with you rather than just presenting it.

All the comments saying you should just get on with it/these are normal circumstances aren’t really relevant when this wasn’t necessary right now.

Lots of input on the driving - ideally yes it would be good if you could get your confidence up but completely appreciate that being heavily pregnant in a new car isn’t the easiest time to just “get better at it”.

And actually the distance is a real consideration. I thought my first labour was quite fast 7 hours from first twinge to baby. Not a patch on the OP! DH only works a 40 minute walk/15 minute drive away but arranged to work from home from 36 weeks to be around in case and for covid reasons without my asking him to. I don’t think I’d have minded him going to the office!

How are things otherwise OP? Is he generally kind to you and are you a team? Or is it all about what works for him and things being presented to you?

For those people saying why can't you drive right up until the baby is virtually popping out of you clearly never had a big bump and short legs 😂😂 some times it's impossible

I really do understand the hormones raging right now as I've been there but I think you're being unreasonable. If he's starting a new job he needs to start it at some point either before the baby is here or immediately after the baby. I don't think either scenario is "ideal" for starting a new job but the reasons you've given for him not starting before don't really make sense and I can see his point of view.