Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Boy heavy school vs moving with parents

51 replies

Goldenperfume · 19/01/2023 10:17

Hi,

I’ve sort of posted about this before but now I have a clearer idea of what our options are. My boy and girl are due to start school in September and we have two options which have pros and cons and I really can’t make up my mind:

Option 1) Stay in London where we are outgrowing our home and can’t afford to upsize. Put them in a local prep school that is going to be boy heavy due to only having recently made the transition to Co-Ed. I’ve looked at other Co-Ed options in our area but this is the only one we really liked. I do worry about how difficult it could be for my daughter when it comes to friendships, if there are only a few girls. There is a single sex girls school that isn’t as great but could be an option, however I think doing the pick up and drop offs at these two different schools will be quite stressful for us whilst managing full time jobs.

Option 2) We can’t move house this year as DH is due to change his job but we could move in with DH parents who live outside London until we can upsize in their area (hopefully in spring/summer 2024). I think we would keep our own house and return to it during the weekends and holidays, as I’m not sure about being off the property ladder even temporarily in such an unpredictable market and I think having some space will be good! I get on well with the in laws, they have a large house and they would be thrilled to have us with them. I have lived with them once before about ten years ago when we were looking to buy our current home. Back then I did look forward to having my own space and I did find their house a bit too messy but other than that don’t really have concerns about staying with them for a bit. Not having the comforts of my my own home feels like a small price to pay to ensure my daughter doesn’t have friendship struggles and to give us the opportunity to upsize eventually, but it also feels like such a big decision.

OP posts:

Needmorelego · 19/01/2023 10:21

Stay in London and send to local state school?
Although if they are due to start next September you have missed the application date.

MRex · 19/01/2023 10:23

Boys and girls mix a lot still at 4/5 yo.based on DS's school, so I wouldn't worry too much about that. You could also select a local state school and move after a year. Reception year is mostly play-based anyway.

I wouldn't go moving in with people for a whole year, that will drive everyone crazy and you'd end up here by Christmas moaning about PIL being grumpy and how dare they say XYZ, they're controlling etc...

FeinCuroxiVooz · 19/01/2023 10:26

i think you should go for option 2.

if you stay in london you will probably regret the decision in a few years time and will want to move out but it will be 20 times more disruptive with the kids that bit older.

if you are sure that you will be able to buy somewhere permanent near the ILs house such that no school change will be necessary, then that is the best solution.

heldinadream · 19/01/2023 10:28

Option 2 sounds good to me - what does everyone else concerned say about it?
Dh.
Dh mum.
Dh dad.
DS.
DD.
Everyone's views will have nuance so need to be heard. Big decision. Could work though.

Soontobe60 · 19/01/2023 10:29

Have you not already put in your application for September?

Original poster

Goldenperfume · 19/01/2023 10:31

We have applied for local state schools but would really prefer to go down the prep school route.

The prep school I like near my in-laws tends to get quite full so if we don’t take the places now not 100% sure we would be able to get in later. There are other options that we could then look at but I am quite picky so not sure if I would find something I really like.

OP posts:

Seeline · 19/01/2023 10:32

If you live in London I'm surprised that there is only one prep school that you like, and even that may not be suitable for your DD.
Did you apply for state schools?

Ponoka7 · 19/01/2023 10:36

If you move in with the in-laws that blocks friendships completely. However if you are moving in a year friendships will end anyway. How would your tween children find living with them? Personally I'd stay were you are.

Ponoka7 · 19/01/2023 10:37

X post, if you are sure that you can relocate to your in-laws area, then do the move now , to not disrupt the schooling.

Needmorelego · 19/01/2023 10:39

Apologies if this sounds rude but if you can afford private school why can't you afford to move house?

Original poster

Goldenperfume · 19/01/2023 10:40

Children are very young still (pre-schoolers) but absolutely love visiting/having grandparents over. DH says it’s fine for him, they are his parents and he has lived with them most of his life, so it’s really for me to decide!

OP posts:

Original poster

Goldenperfume · 19/01/2023 10:48

@NeedmorelegoWe can afford it if we move a bit further out. We are just cautious and want to do the move once DH has found and settled into a new job.

OP posts:

redskydelight · 19/01/2023 10:48

When you last lived with your in-laws it was pre-children.

Unless there house is big enough that you have your own space, living with them with 2 small children is going to be a totally different experience. I'd be cautious.

I'd normally advise against a boy heavy school (the year below DD was 8 girls out of 60 and all the girls' parents said their DDs found it hard) but if it's only for a year or so with a future move on the cards, this sounds like the better option.

I don't know why DH changing job stops you from moving?

Rent your house out and rent near your preferred school?

PeekAtYou · 19/01/2023 10:54

How's your relationship with the ILs?
Do they have lots of space?
Do they have a realistic expectation or experience of living with preschoolers?
If your family annoy them are they likely to be able to bring it up or are they are the type to seethe passive aggressively?

A year is a very long time and so wouldn't want to damage relationships with the ILs.

Does the prep school have entry at 5+ or 7+?
Does your h have a healthy relationship with his parents? Lots of posts on here where MILs treat their sons like they are 5 and get annoyed when the wife doesn't wait on him hand and foot like a King.

AnotherSpare · 19/01/2023 10:59

I could understand the idea of option 2 if you were selling your house and using living with the in-laws to save money while you wait to move. But otherwise it doesn't seem like much of a benefit.
You've already included three factors in your OP that will make that option difficult - you looked forward to having your own space, you found their house messy, you want the comfort of your own home.
You know how the year will go, you'll become irritated living in their house. Plus, I think weekly switching between in-laws house, your own house, and then moving house, will be unsettling for the kids in their first year of school.

I would stay where you are and use the local school. Presumably in your daughter's year group there will be a mix of boys and girls. You can also help her form friendships with other girls outside of school.

FlounderingFruitcake · 19/01/2023 11:04

I’d stay in London, revisit moving out in a year when DH is settled in his new job. It sounds bonkers to say that you’re outgrowing your current house but that you’d consider moving in with ILs for a year which will presumably be a hell of lot less space, and none of it yours! A move in year 1/2 is unlikely be disruptive to the kids and occasional places at privates do come up, or you could wait until the 7+ entry point.

Also, are you certain that the intake at the prep will be very boy heavy? And even then, I wouldn’t see it as a bad thing for pre-prep where the boys and girls all mix a lot anyway. My DD is at a co-ed prep, historically it’s been girl heavy, but to the surprise of everyone her reception intake was 3:1 boys to girls. Due to a few families relocating it’s now at 2:1 boys to girls. We’re still very happy because there are still enough girls that no one should be left out and she has close friendships with boys and girls. I’d only see it as a big problem if the split is so very skewed and/or it’s such a small school that you’re talking 5 or less girls in a year.

Veryfishy · 19/01/2023 11:04

Based on my inlaws ( who are lovely , and have never been anything other than kind to me )
I’d say …. don’t move in with them

Original poster

Goldenperfume · 19/01/2023 11:10

They have a large 5 bedroom house. I don’t think space is really an issue.

Children would mostly be at school during the week and at after school clubs until 5ish as we both work. So it’s not like they would constantly be around.

They aren’t passive aggressive and very laidback so rarely get upset about anything. They enjoy spending time with their kids and want to see them happy.

The moving back and forth is not ideal I agree. That’s something we need to think carefully about.

I think if we go with the boy heavy school (they have confirmed it’s currently 3 girls and 17 boys) with a view to moving we are going to struggle to get a place in a really good school (that’s similar to the two we like) and will have to settle for whatever school has spaces. It seems a shame to spend so much money and not get what you really want.

We have talked about renting out our place but having seen the stress and issues my parents have had with tenants I’m really not keen on doing this.

OP posts:

Flamingogirl08 · 19/01/2023 11:14

Just use the local school they're 4 🙄

waterrat · 19/01/2023 11:17

I never understand paying for private at that age. State primaries are so brilliant at early years

Beees · 19/01/2023 11:20

Flamingogirl08 · 19/01/2023 11:14

Just use the local school they're 4 🙄

Agreed.if you're going to be moving them at some point anyway it seems daft to uproot your whole lives to live elsewhere for part of the week when you have a perfectly good option of a state school which you can use until you move.

Mardyface · 19/01/2023 11:20

Sounds like you've made your mind up.

I must say that by ruling out state primaries - which tend to be excellent in London - you have given yourself many fewer options.

Sleepless1096 · 19/01/2023 11:21

If you really can't sell/buy this year, I'd rent out your London property on a short let and use the rental income to rent somewhere close to the school where you want your DC to end up until you can sell it and buy somewhere.

I'd prioritise not moving your DC and interrupting their education and friendships after one year, and not inflicting everyday life with 2 small children on your in-laws.

Blort · 19/01/2023 11:22

Option 2 sounds terrible. For peace of mind I would not want to live in someone else's house.

Hoppinggreen · 19/01/2023 11:24

Just go State Primary if you have a decent one available and revisit once you move

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread