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AIBU?

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Original poster

Boy heavy school vs moving with parents

51 replies

Goldenperfume · 19/01/2023 10:17

Hi,

I’ve sort of posted about this before but now I have a clearer idea of what our options are. My boy and girl are due to start school in September and we have two options which have pros and cons and I really can’t make up my mind:

Option 1) Stay in London where we are outgrowing our home and can’t afford to upsize. Put them in a local prep school that is going to be boy heavy due to only having recently made the transition to Co-Ed. I’ve looked at other Co-Ed options in our area but this is the only one we really liked. I do worry about how difficult it could be for my daughter when it comes to friendships, if there are only a few girls. There is a single sex girls school that isn’t as great but could be an option, however I think doing the pick up and drop offs at these two different schools will be quite stressful for us whilst managing full time jobs.

Option 2) We can’t move house this year as DH is due to change his job but we could move in with DH parents who live outside London until we can upsize in their area (hopefully in spring/summer 2024). I think we would keep our own house and return to it during the weekends and holidays, as I’m not sure about being off the property ladder even temporarily in such an unpredictable market and I think having some space will be good! I get on well with the in laws, they have a large house and they would be thrilled to have us with them. I have lived with them once before about ten years ago when we were looking to buy our current home. Back then I did look forward to having my own space and I did find their house a bit too messy but other than that don’t really have concerns about staying with them for a bit. Not having the comforts of my my own home feels like a small price to pay to ensure my daughter doesn’t have friendship struggles and to give us the opportunity to upsize eventually, but it also feels like such a big decision.

OP posts:
TheyWentToSeaInASieve · 19/01/2023 11:25

Sending to pre-prep at this stage is a waste of money. Private schools don't start moving ahead of state curriculum till mid KS2. London state primaries are mostly good; the same cannot be said for secondaries. Use the cash to upsize as soon as you can and keep your own place.

You are not the same person you were ten years ago, and living in someone else's house will be a nightmare. Surely, if you can afford two sets of fees, you have some spare money to increase the mortgage?

Emmamoo89 · 19/01/2023 11:26

Option 2

Sleepless1096 · 19/01/2023 11:29

Btw, the "boy-heavy" thing wouldn't bother me as much as the prospect of moving their school after a year. If your DD does mixed or girl-heavy activities out of school, she'll make plenty of friends who are girls at those. I'd be more concerned to have a girl at a single-sex school who mostly does girl-dominated activities.

FeckingHungryMozzies · 19/01/2023 11:30

waterrat · 19/01/2023 11:17

I never understand paying for private at that age. State primaries are so brilliant at early years

I couldnt disagree more! Dd1 had 7 or 8 teachers in year 1 (l lost count).

Needmorelego · 19/01/2023 11:32

@FeckingHungryMozzies that sounds very very unusual circumstances. Most state schools aren't like that.

Original poster
Goldenperfume · 19/01/2023 11:34

I don’t really want this to turn into a private vs state school discussion. There’s plenty of those already on here and I know there are different views. We have decided in terms of schooling that we want to go down the private route from the beginning.

@Sleepless1096 Isn’t short let going to be very difficult find tenants for and also for us to find? We aren’t in central London, just in a suburb. I haven’t looked into it because I imagine even if we got lucky with one, it would be hard to get both?

OP posts:
Greatly · 19/01/2023 11:37

Definitely go state primary, your kids are tiny and also prep school is not worth the money unless you are hothousing for 11. State primary is great now and I say that as someone who has used both (not in London admittedly)

Also I love my kids but actually wouldn't really want a family of 4 moving in for a long time!

Beees · 19/01/2023 11:37

We have decided in terms of schooling that we want to go down the private route from the beginning.

The trouble is you admit yourself that the private options aren't actually suitable and therefore doesn't it make more sense to go to the state school you've applied for until you can move and find a more suitable private school?

Mardyface · 19/01/2023 11:41

The reason people are discussing state vs primary is not just for reasons of principle but because your plans/restrictions are complicated and could be simplified in one fell swoop by not educating them privately at primary where state options are good.

It's just a difficult dilemma to evaluate when the restrictions of the decision making are totally self-imposed and unnecessary to an outsider. But as I said, it's clear you've already made your decision and you want to move in with your in-laws. That's fine if you want to do it isn't it?

mrs55 · 19/01/2023 11:41

I wouldn’t go back and forth to the house I’d rent it out and move in with in-laws , if it gets too much can you not rent something after say 6 months ? Or I’d just bite the bullet sell the house and move in with the mil until you find somewhere suitable to buy , I know your husband is changing jobs but will it really be that much of a hassle to move before hand ?

BreakfastClub80 · 19/01/2023 11:43

Are you planning to move to the area where your in-laws live? So if you joined a school there, the children would stay there? If so, I think that might be your best option, assuming you’re confident your DH will get a job in commuting distance.

Personally, I wouldn’t have put my dd into a year group of 3:17 girl:boy. It does depend on your child, but mine was still quite thrown by the boisterousness of the boys in the early years and much preferred the company of girls. Your dd may be different.

At DD’s prep school, there was one particular boy heavy year which was due to the birth rate and it was something the school were having to manage carefully. For my dd, in later years it was boy heavy(Yr 8 was 10:30 girl:boy) but the school made sure the girls weren’t divided up too thinly in classes and they did all sports in two year groups, so it would be Yr 7 & 8 mixed for sports. This helped to ensure there were still opportunities for matches etc otherwise there would have been no house matches. In the very early years, this won’t be so relevant but beyond Yr 3 you will want enough girls to form a netball team etc. If you’ll be leaving after a year, it might not matter.

Greatly · 19/01/2023 11:44

Won't your in laws get totally sick of you all? Or do they live in an enormous house where they can have some privacy?

Greatly · 19/01/2023 11:48

Now dreading the possibility that my grown up children will come back and live here with their young grandchildren 😂 much as I love them

Original poster
Goldenperfume · 19/01/2023 11:49

don’t think they will get sick off us. They’ve told us several times when we have spoken about our place feeling too small that we know we have another house and we are always welcome to live there. So it’s not a case of us imposing this on them. We are from a south asian background where joint family living was pretty common for a long time. Maybe that’s why it seems strange to a lot of people on here…

Anyway if anyone knows about short term letting and renting please let me know if I am wrong to assume it would be very difficult. If it’s easier then I am imagining then maybe we should explore it…

OP posts:
Kpo58 · 19/01/2023 11:51

I still don't understand why you can't sell your house now and buy somewhere else near your DH. Surely you already have a mortgage so the fact that your DH will need to change jobs is still the same problem either way.

Can your DH commute to work from near his parents for a year?

Original poster
Goldenperfume · 19/01/2023 12:03

The not wanting to buy right now comes from my DH. He is very unhappy with his current job and I think he’s sometimes tempted to quit. It’s unlikely to happen but I guess you never know. He doesn’t feel like we should take on a larger mortgage plus school fees until he has sorted his stuff out. We would have an emergency fund to cover 6 months mortgage and fees but it still makes him nervous. I feel more willing to take the risk but he doesn’t.

OP posts:
Greatly · 19/01/2023 12:05

Goldenperfume · 19/01/2023 12:03

The not wanting to buy right now comes from my DH. He is very unhappy with his current job and I think he’s sometimes tempted to quit. It’s unlikely to happen but I guess you never know. He doesn’t feel like we should take on a larger mortgage plus school fees until he has sorted his stuff out. We would have an emergency fund to cover 6 months mortgage and fees but it still makes him nervous. I feel more willing to take the risk but he doesn’t.

Then stay where you are and use state school
Get tutors if you feel its necessary

Kpo58 · 19/01/2023 12:13

Could you sell now, move in temporarily with his parents whilst DH is finding a new job (whilst still working at the old one) and then buy (the house prices may have fallen but the time you are trying to buy)? You could also get a part time job if you don't have one to help earn some extra to keep the finances afloat as you would have his parents as baby sitters if needed.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 19/01/2023 12:26

Is it possible/likely that the school in Option 1 will have a few more girls in the Sept 2023 intake?

SpaceMonitor · 19/01/2023 12:29

What about your jobs if you move out of London to be near your in-laws? Will you still be commuting into London? If so, stay in London.

Raising kids in London is brilliant. The schools are incredible and so are the other opportunities.

Swissmountains · 19/01/2023 13:01

I think there is potential for more family strain than you imagine. From their pov it is a huge change with pre schoolers, noise, toys everywhere etc. For a whole year.

There is no way I would send my child to a boy heavy school either, this will have a negative affect on your dd learning to socialise, and manage boundaries in friendships, if there are only a few girls to play with it can become toxic very quickly.

Why can't you move in to a smaller house and save over the next few years to 'upsize'? Why stay with parents?

Swissmountains · 19/01/2023 13:03

Goldenperfume · 19/01/2023 12:03

The not wanting to buy right now comes from my DH. He is very unhappy with his current job and I think he’s sometimes tempted to quit. It’s unlikely to happen but I guess you never know. He doesn’t feel like we should take on a larger mortgage plus school fees until he has sorted his stuff out. We would have an emergency fund to cover 6 months mortgage and fees but it still makes him nervous. I feel more willing to take the risk but he doesn’t.

Stay where you are until he has a new job, is comfortable and then move.

Ponderingwindow · 19/01/2023 13:19

I’m not sure what I would do about housing. I do know that I wouldn’t put my dd in a class that was predominantly male. It’s not about friendships. with her personality. She has really struggled with learning in a classroom setting while dealing with the behavior of her peers. Almost all of the friction points for her come from boys. I would move her to an all-girls school if it was possible, but they aren’t common in my country. I’m not posting to bash boys or complain about them. Im just pointing out that the differences in classroom demeanor and tendencies towards preferred learning styles may have an impact even early on.

what about option c, hiring help with the logistical issues of having your children in two separate schools?

Vinylloving · 19/01/2023 13:22

It sounds like a no brainer to stay with them, if you know their area and are sure it's where you want to and can be in future, set the foundations now with schools and be close for viewing houses when the time is right

Swissmountains · 19/01/2023 13:24

I must admit my dc have been to both mixed and all girls school, and the latter was infinitely better for both of them.

The lessons are calm and composed, they can listen and be heard all of the time. As they got older there wasn't any sexual tension or sexism and they have been able to focus, and believe they can excel at every subject - and not to believe some are boys subjects etc. Lots of choice of friends, so they can find their tribe.
It has been really excellent, and I would consider making the logistics work for two schools where you are for a while.

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