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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can I ask stay at home parent to do certain foods?

63 replies

Haveawordwithyourusband · 18/01/2023 17:39

Currently trying to work through some major issues with my H and wondering what peoples thoughts are on this? Genuinely happy to be told AIBU as I’m struggling to think what’s reasonable.

I’m working ft from home and I basically lost my shit as I felt the balance of labour was unfair as I would also do evening meals, tidying up kitchen, and bedtime on my own after finishing work. This also extends to meal planning, shopping, noticing when stuff is running out etc. for context I do absolutely nothing in the mornings- he sorts kids, breakfast, packed lunch and school runs.

He has recently picked up doing the kids tea which is very welcome but I’m not happy about them always having something beige with chips or pasta and sauce. It’s a hard one as they aren’t that adventurous with food anyway but if it’s me cooking I do try to do from scratch meals a couple of times a week and plenty of variety. I don’t know whether I should push for more quality or just shut up and be pleased they are being fed. I do suspect I’d be asked for a meal plan if I made any comment.

OP posts:

Sennelier1 · 21/06/2023 22:22

I've always been a SAH mother and done everything in the house and for the children 🤷🏼‍♀️ It's a choice we made together, DP could focus on his career and earned good money. He always said I earned half of the income by being there and taking care of everything. I don't understand why a parent would be staying-at-home and still expect the working partner to do household chores?

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/06/2023 22:29

I don’t like the sound of him. Is he planning to piss around with his music hobby for the rest of his life or does he have a plan to re-enter the world of responsible grown ups?

Who are these likeminded friends? Also kept men who act like teenagers?

Codlingmoths · 21/06/2023 22:35

I disagree with people who say it would be different if he’s female. My Dh didn’t cook when we got married, I was really clear that’s not partner or parent material. That it’s basic to have healthy home cooked meals, and if his nights are all takeaway /beige he is using up all the easy options so you never get an easy option. Sit him down and say he’s had long enough and it’s time to start cooking healthy meals. You will have to give him a list of 10 and say minimum twice a week cook one of these. Yes the dc will complain, this is parenting. Some nice person will not dump them in the future because we have gone through the eating veg stage with them so other adults don’t think too pathetic, eats like a child and dumps them.

billy1966 · 21/06/2023 22:36

OP, you are being made some fool of.

He needs to go back to work or look at getting rid of him.

He is doing the absolute least he can get away with whilst you work and carry the overwhelming majority of the load.

He is taking you for a mug.

The children are in school and soon will be for longer.

You are literally the family work horse.

Do your math.

He returns to work or you separate.

This is only going to get worse, believe me.

ZiriForEver · 21/06/2023 22:53

It would sound controlling if you dictate to him. You need to work with him on establishing a fair situation.

Fair situation in a relationship means, that you have an equal access to scarce resources. It can be spending money, but in your case it is downtime.

So you agree together what is necessary (earn money, clean, cook). You might be more detailed in some topics (healthier meals at least ...). And than you distribute it to end up with similar downtime. Ups, unless you have more than full-time list of chores, it seems all are going with him.

bonjour75 · 21/06/2023 22:53

Think you're right in that you can't dictate to him what to cook (if it was reversed no sahm would like that.) But you probably do need to have a chat and agree an approach to children's diet - how can we get them experimenting more? How many nights do we let them eat what they like? As that's a shared concern irrespective of who's cooking the meal.

NoThanksymm · 27/07/2023 00:44

I think it’s reasonable to want healthy meals for the kids.

as for doing more. We divy up based on time. Husband and I both work 12 hrs, with 2hrs of commute (it sucks) I start an hour later so I do mornings, he does evenings till I get home. Then we clean or cook till the cooking is done. Basically the non cook-er does other stuff. Luckily he also likes cooking so we swap. I do it a bit more often as I’m allergic to grass, so he mows and I cook. So we don’t feel like one is ALWAYS doing more. Same time. Maybe different efficiency. Maybe I make more elaborate dinners, but then I clean less when he cooks.

anyway. Works for us.

but I think if you have the privilege of working from home you should expect to make up that time in extra chores. Be it you do them during the day or during his commute time.

or go old school and make a chore wheel.

Gymnopedie · 27/07/2023 01:19

but I think if you have the privilege of working from home you should expect to make up that time in extra chores. Be it you do them during the day or during his commute time.

He doesn't have any commute time. He doesn't work. The DCs are at school and he spends his days on his hobby while the OP puts the roof over their heads.

Codlingmoths · 27/07/2023 02:33

personally, feed our children a variety of healthy foods or just fuck off. He’s their dad. You are not being controlling.

SunRainStorm · 27/07/2023 02:44

I think it's fair to say that him being a SAHP isn't working out anymore and you don't want the arrangement to continue.

He's not great at it.

He should look for a job.

You will feel less resentment, and the additional money can be put towards a cleaner or a meal service.

Beige food every night is not ok.

SideWonder · 27/07/2023 07:22

In working through all our issues I was wondering if I could put conditions on the sahp thing, if this is to be the situation going forward? But does that make me a dictating controlling arse?

No, it makes you an adult, wanting your life partner to pull his weight as an adult. You’re doing most of the work.

He’s a lazy controlling arse - the laziness is obvious and he’s controlling in that you are walking on egg shells about it all.

SunRainStorm · 27/07/2023 07:28

Micromanaging his day might be controlling.

But saying 'You being a SAHP is not working for me' isnt. That's completely fair.

If he asks why it's not working, you can give the examples you gave here. You feel your contributions aren't equal in terms of effort. You feel he has a lot of leisure time while you have little. You feel the standards have slipped in terms of the family's nutrition. You feel that you are doing a double shift (home and work) and that's not fair given the children are in school all day.

Tell him that you would like him to look for a job, as you are no longer happy to support him in the SAHP role.

MuggleMe · 27/07/2023 07:29

Personally I don't think sahp works once both kids are in school unless the breadwinner is jet setting and rarely home or SEN unless it's working well for both of you. He needs a job even if it's part time. Who's paying for retirement? Who's putting money aside for university/house etc. You should be doing hardly any housework, all sorting of kids clothes etc should all be done. If you feel like you have to manage him, it's not working.

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