Can I ask stay at home parent to do certain foods?

[Haveawordwithyourusband]

Currently trying to work through some major issues with my H and wondering what peoples thoughts are on this? Genuinely happy to be told AIBU as I’m struggling to think what’s reasonable.

I’m working ft from home and I basically lost my shit as I felt the balance of labour was unfair as I would also do evening meals, tidying up kitchen, and bedtime on my own after finishing work. This also extends to meal planning, shopping, noticing when stuff is running out etc. for context I do absolutely nothing in the mornings- he sorts kids, breakfast, packed lunch and school runs.

He has recently picked up doing the kids tea which is very welcome but I’m not happy about them always having something beige with chips or pasta and sauce. It’s a hard one as they aren’t that adventurous with food anyway but if it’s me cooking I do try to do from scratch meals a couple of times a week and plenty of variety. I don’t know whether I should push for more quality or just shut up and be pleased they are being fed. I do suspect I’d be asked for a meal plan if I made any comment.

YANBU

The person who stays at home should do 90% of the cooking, housework, childcare etc during the week.

Ask him to cook a more nutritious meal twice a week and then you cook one on the weekend.

One of the best parts about having a SAHP is the nutritious meals than can be prepared.
It is harder to do when you don’t get home until 6 or after and everyone tired and starving hungry.

It is also up to him to write a shopping list and meal plan.

It annoys me that having a penis means your incapable of behaving like an adult.
He is just as capable as you are and you need to stop letting him get away with not pulling his weight.

YANBU.

Is he incapable of cooking a nutritious dinner for his children or is he doing the very least he can get away with to create the illusion that he is pulling his weight?

Part of being a SAHP is to plan a balanced, healthy diet for kids and adults, to shop for it and to cook. Not pasta/freezer teas all the time. Your h needs to step up.

I’m a SAHP to school age kids - it’s the life of Riley in term time. (I do it because I have a disabled child I need to be available for.) I expected DH to do evening tidying, baths etc when they were babies and toddlers and I had them 24/7, but now they’re at school I get my free time in the day, so I feel DH should benefit from easier evenings. He spends time with the children, but he’s not doing chores.

Your DH is absolutely taking the proverbial - I fully expect to make dinner for everyone in my household. It’s a fairly obvious part of the job description. Not necessarily gourmet every night, and fish fingers and pasta in sauce feature on my menu, but they certainly don’t make up the whole of it.

And I’d happily criticise a SAHM who was doing the same, it’s nothing to do with gender. Both parents should be getting equal leisure time, so if all he’s doing is mornings and school runs he’s not being fair.

I absolutely agree that the SAHP should do most of the house/kid stuff.

If a SAHM said they were exhausted after a hard day cleaning the house and doing kid stuff and ‘life admin’ and that her DH had criticised the food she was feeding her kids, the DH would be roasted!

The kids are at school?! Yes, and get him to do more than that too! Smh!

But that's the only food he makes, it's not the reliable and quick go-to on the odd busy day. There would be different responses if it was an occasional thing.

Everyone has hard days where we shove a frozen pizza in the oven - I do it and I don’t expect DH to criticise. That’s not the same as doing it every single day because you can’t be bothered to cook properly.

I think YAB a bit U but I think the crux of the issue is if you're WFH and he's a SAHD of school-aged kids, you both spend all day every day together and there's probably an element of cabin fever or resentment. Why is he a SAHD if your kids are school age? That's probably what needs to change.

I've definitely seen sahms being told they should be doing absolutely everything because they don't work. I don't think this is a case of "if a man said it..."

There's a vast difference to being a SAHP to pre school than children actually at school though. Pre school, evening routine shared. At school, he should be doing the evening meal inclusive. Unless they live in a mansion with 10 kids

What do your dc eat? Fussy eaters? Pie and steamed veg, lasagne, chilli?

Thanks for all the responses. Just to clarify I didn’t have a meltdown over meals, it was about everything and the simmering resentment just boiled over.

Also someone else mentioned housework, this is split but I definitely do more.

I appreciate the pick your battles approach and that’s why I’m querying whether to say anything about meals. Housework I’ll just continue to do at weekends. Laundry is fairly even. No there are no broken nights.

What does he do in the daytimes? I’m afraid it’s the dreaded mumsnet hobby. There is a lot of music/tech related equipment involved in the garage. Or out and about meeting likeminded mates.

The situation hasn’t always been like this. He had an Important Job. I was part time and did everything for the kids and house. He lost his job during covid so I was able to up my hours to cover.

Someone asked why is he not cooking, I think he genuinely thinks ‘fed them, job done’. He’s not a foody person, he just sees it as a task. When we eat together he eats quickly and gets up and clears his own plate away regardless of who else is still eating. I’ve always found it jarring.

Your H is taking the piss.

He needs to do all the planning, shopping, and prep of meals, and keep track of what's running low. He needs to pay attention to nutritional value of meals he serves the children.

But he's game playing, and putting the nutrition of the children behind the ego problems he has, which are associated with his perception of the status of housekeeping and cooking. He thinks the person doing the cooking, shopping, and meal planning is a lerson of low status in the pecking order.

Bunging nuggets and chips in tbe oven is phoning it in. My guess is he's doing it half assed because he hopes you'll take over and he gets his lazy lifestyle back, and he can go on thinki g of you as lower in status than him because you stoop to engage your brain on matters related to cooking. Muttering passive aggressively about a meal plan is doubling down on the churlishness. Just to be clear, I would judge a woman in his shoes too.

He needs to be challenged to sort out his thinking here.

He has took easy option. Perhaps start with menu plan of food you would like to eat and kids to eat for a month that he has to follow and shop for.

He need to be doing all the house work and his/kids washing.

Oh I absolutely agree and yes I used to give them beans on toast with cheese after swimming lessons once a week and I’d have been upset if he criticised me.

The difference is I was taking a 6yo to swimming, with a 2yo in tow that I’d been looking after all day, amusing the 2 yo during the lesson, getting the 6yo dry and dressed, and then getting home to a dark empty house with them both tired and hungry.

He does swimming now and huffs about it, but all he has to do is take one child, and nine times out of ten come home to me cooking something - only exception is if I’m stuck on a call. And I’d have no objection to him sticking a pizza in for this sort of occasion. I just personally would prefer these type of meals to be an every night thing.

*not to be an every night thing.

So the kids are at school all day and he just pisses around while you work - and can’t be arsed to cook for the kids either. He’s lazy!
I’d be telling him to get a job!

Honestly I think he needs to go back to work.

If you're going to be a sahp of school age children then do it properly ffs. Make the working parents life easier. Put decent food on the table. There's enough time.

He's not a sahp...he's just unemployed. He doesn't want to be a homemaker...he just doesn't want to work.

Yeah this is pretty much what I said to him. I got a lot of sad faces and astonishment. It’s gas lighting honestly. He thinks he does a splendid job. It’s made me wish I kept an actual log of tasks done and by who.

In working through all our issues I was wondering if I could put conditions on the sahp thing, if this is to be the situation going forward? But does that make me a dictating controlling arse?

As a former SAHM, I think if you are having to put conditions on it, then the relationship is not in a good place AT ALL.

He should want to make your life easier as the breadwinner and out of respect for the job you are doing. He should want to do all this stuff for you and the kids. the fact that he doesnt speaks volumes about him (or you hide your displeasure about it well).

I would personally be looking at marriage counselling for both of you to talk through this issue in a non confrontational manner.

Yup

I would flame a SAHM of 2 SCHOOL-AGED children (with no medical issues) who didn't have a decent meal ready on a regular basis. Yes, we all have nights when it's pizza and chips or takeaway, but it shouldn't be the norm when you've had all day.

As a SAHD, even if an unwilling one, he needs to be making a better job of it. Mealwise, sit down together and agree on a menu for each week. If he's a unconfident cook, maybe introduce a simple cook from scratch meal a week that he can learn, and then incorporate into his repertoire. One frozen chips type meal a week is fine, as is a cheesy beans on toast once a week, if the other 5 nights are protein/carbs/veg. Help him get into a healthy food routine, he needs help.

He’s a SAHP
he could at least try to feed them something semi nutritious - he won’t have any more time at weekends than in the week