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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if you got over losing your "forever home" in a breakup??

57 replies

AlliWantIsARoomSomewheeeere · 18/01/2023 14:32

Just that really.
I need to leave, i think i knew that a year ago, but i talked myself out of it because we have young kids, complicated career set up between us and i really love my home, but wont be able to keep in on my own.
Feeling miserable right now. trying to tell myself it's material and not important in the grand scheme of things, but dont have myself convinced at all!
Is it better once you bite the bullet and let it go?

OP posts:
clpsmum · 18/01/2023 14:36

I am literally in the process of moving out this weekend. Very mixed emotions tbh

Darthwazette · 18/01/2023 14:37

My kids are now in a home which is really too small for them whilst their father enjoys our “forever home” and has the kids every other weekend. I’m bitter.

Sunshineandflipflops · 18/01/2023 15:10

I managed to buy my ex out of our family home by changing jobs but I was very upset at the thought of having to move (especially as he had the affair). I felt like it was me who put most of the love and work into this house and I fell in love with it as soon as I saw it (and it was in a bit of a state) and in the 5 years we have been separated, I have enjoyed doing what I want to do to it and making it min (or mine and the dc's).

I'm sure wherever you are op, you will be happy. A smaller home full of love and happiness is better than a bigger, unhappy one. That's what I told myself when I wasn't sure what my situation would be.

Iknowafew · 18/01/2023 15:16

MIL and FIL both remained extremely bitter that they lost their incredibly beautiful house in their mid forties when they divorced. She still seems to think she lives in a hovel, it’s really nice modern terrace in an incredibly expensive road in Surrey.

pocketvenuss · 18/01/2023 15:26

Darthwazette · 18/01/2023 14:37

My kids are now in a home which is really too small for them whilst their father enjoys our “forever home” and has the kids every other weekend. I’m bitter.

How did you and the dc end up in the smaller home?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 18/01/2023 15:28

Yes, l miss mine. It wasn’t a forever home, but it was the home we bought ds home to when he was born.

l loved the house and the area. It makes me upset to think about it, so l try and avoid it. This was 28 years ago.

EVHead · 18/01/2023 15:31

In the end it was a relief to get my own place. No memories of when things were good. Equally no memories of the bad times!

To have the independence to choose where to live, how much to spend on a property, how to furnish it etc has been amazing.

determinedtomakethiswork · 18/01/2023 15:31

Darthwazette · 18/01/2023 14:37

My kids are now in a home which is really too small for them whilst their father enjoys our “forever home” and has the kids every other weekend. I’m bitter.

I could never understand how a man could do that. The guy next door to me has done that and I don't have any respect for him at all.

If I were to meet a man in that position, I wouldn't be interested in him at all once I knew where his children were living.

sunshinesupermum · 18/01/2023 15:35

I still miss the forever home we bought together but at least I have a roof over my head and am mortgage free now and XH is out of my life.

LumpyandBumps · 18/01/2023 16:02

I still remember our home in a dream location.
The house itself needed a huge amount of work. I tried so hard to keep it when we separated and ex left.
I worked overtime every evening and weekend, but at the time interest rates soared whilst prices plummeted. My 40% deposit was nearly eroded and I was close to slipping into negative equity.
I had to re home my animals ( poultry, goats and donkey) and sell. It broke my heart.
20 years later I am now mortgage free in a decent sized house, which I would NEVER have chosen back then.
It isn’t my dream home or location, but I can honestly say it is the happiest home I’ve owned. I have a new DP, our children grew up here and there is a good local community.
Of course I still sometimes think about the old house, with its character and unique name, but it is just a memory- a bit like when I could fit in a size 10 dress.
I don’t miss the bone crushing cold either!
Be strong. You can do this.

Bestcatmum · 18/01/2023 16:10

Yes you do get over it.
I lived in a house in a beautiful national park near the sea with fabulous views and thought I'd be living there with DH for the rest of my life happily. Until he ran off with another woman. No discussion, divorce papers in the post after 20 years.
I couldn't afford to live there anymore so it was sold and I moved 300 miles away for a new job and a new start.
After some internal grief and processing my loss I'm actually happier here, the new house doesn't need any work unlike the old one and has more bedrooms because its a cheaper area.
I missed my huge garden for a while but actually realised that I just can't physically maintain a huge garden any more so I've been realistic and got a place with a large courtyard garden.
I've made loads of friends and my life is now 100% better. It was just a house previously, this place is much better suited to my lifestyle and I adore the west country. There are much nicer beaches, national parks and countryside within a very short distance and I have a better job. Same pay not nearly as stressful.
Ive always wanted to live in a village and now I do.
Its worked out very well but took a lot of anti anxiety meds, counselling and effort to get to this place in my life. I would not turn the clock back.
20 years was a long time and it was a shock to the system.
Good thing is exH was completely useless and not reliably employed so I don't miss him.

TheDogsMother · 18/01/2023 17:26

I still miss mine and its 15 years on. Loved the house, area, garden and thought it would be the one we stayed in for a long time. Instead it had to be sold with proceeds split 50/50 even though he'd barely contributed a thing (not a SAHP either). I am very fortunate now to live in another lovely house in a beautiful setting but I do think back to that place from time to time. The fact I regretted losing the house rather than him probably said it all though.

unsync · 18/01/2023 17:43

Nope, home is where you make it.

Kinnorafron · 18/01/2023 17:51

I expected to be in tears when I left - ex didn't even really care that much about the place. On the day when I left for the final time I actually felt relief and a little joy. It was about a year until I learned to love my new place - that was 16 years ago and I am still here.

vivaespanaole · 18/01/2023 17:54

Lost it. But it had become a guilder cage really. It was a lovely home but not a happy one.

I moved somewhere much smaller and rented and with just one loo etc. but It was mine and peaceful and relaxed and had a lovely sunny garden and I healed there.

After three years there I moved out and bought a home I love. I pinch myself every day. It's far better then the one I lost.

singleandwingingit · 18/01/2023 17:56

I'll be selling our "forever family home" in a few months time after DH walked out on me and our twins last year when they were 8 months old.

Honestly this house has lost its sparkle for me and I feel very "temporary" here. I used to spend a lot of time making the home feel very homely and I just don't feel like I can be bothered knowing I won't be here long.

I'm looking forward to downsizing, getting rid of a lot of our old furniture and having a fresh start...

ghostyslovesheets · 18/01/2023 18:02

Like @vivaespanaole mine was lovely but also a gilded cage - I got over it by making a new home that was mine - decorated and done as I liked - ex was so fussy about décor and colour - very bland or alternatively nuts (silver kitchen units?) - I can now have 'old' furniture (as in second hand - love mid-century stuff), the kids rooms can be a colourful and messy as they like, no DIY hanging around because I wont 'do it properly' and he always left it undone - funnily he says he prefers my home to his!

It's hard but it's not an ending it's a new start

Iateallthechips · 18/01/2023 18:02

No.

It was lovely. In a beautiful place. Xh kept in return for not fighting me for full custody or 50/50 for ds.

He didn’t want ds. He worked away and ds would have been with a nanny mainly or exh family who hated me and it would have been confusing and horrible for ds on his time. He only cared about money and would
have dragged everything out as long and as painfully for me as possible.

So I left with jack shit but a happy child who wasn’t used as a pawn in a power game.

I’ve lived in some rented hell holes over the last 13 years since I left and me and current dh have only just been able to buy a house, which is a shithole, in a shithole.

I loved that house, I will never be able to afford anything like it again, or live in an area like that again (ex h was a high earner with a rich family).

It was very, very old and the upkeep took all my time but I enjoyed it. Ex h didn’t lift a finger when I’d gone and it became a wreck. It’s still sat empty all these years later as he just went and bought another beautiful home when he got sick of it and left it to rot.

Abba123 · 18/01/2023 18:05

Once you find somewhere new without all the baggage of a marriage, no doubt you’ll be breathing a very grateful sigh of relief.

GabriellaMontez · 18/01/2023 18:06

Yes I got over it. I now recognise the negatives of it too. I just chose to ignore them when I lived there as all houses come with some downsides.

I have very ocassional bitter moments!

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 18/01/2023 18:14

Not me but my sister - she went from their ‘forever’ 6 bedroomed, double fronted, all original features, beautiful, Georgian detached home to a 1990’s, 3 bedroomed (still detached) on a ‘Brookside’ estate.

It took some adjustment BUT… she is both cheating git AND mortgage free and delights in never having to endure his fucking awful attempts at playing the guitar again.

Silver lining OP. Eyes on the prize!

CherrySocks · 18/01/2023 18:26

I think the concept of a "forever home" should disappear. I was surprised when the term started to be used in TV property programmes. How can anyone know the future?

Teaandtoast3 · 18/01/2023 18:26

With time! You will create an even happier home. What’s the point in a massive house with a negative atmosphere?

MaverickGooseGoose · 18/01/2023 18:28

Not me but my mum is still bitter, we moved out in 1999, she has never got over it and it has blighted her whole life. To put in context she is in an HA flat paying rent for the rest of her life, the house is now worth £1.9m

TravellingSpoon · 18/01/2023 18:35

I do miss the home I had. It really was lovely.

My new house is smaller and in a different area of our city. But the consolation I have is that its mine, I paid for it, I make the decision and its nothing to do with my ex. That's enough for me.