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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if you got over losing your "forever home" in a breakup??

57 replies

AlliWantIsARoomSomewheeeere · 18/01/2023 14:32

Just that really.
I need to leave, i think i knew that a year ago, but i talked myself out of it because we have young kids, complicated career set up between us and i really love my home, but wont be able to keep in on my own.
Feeling miserable right now. trying to tell myself it's material and not important in the grand scheme of things, but dont have myself convinced at all!
Is it better once you bite the bullet and let it go?

OP posts:
Cakecakecheese · 18/01/2023 18:59

I was able to fill my new home with things I liked in a colour I liked, not orange. That helped.

RamonaBadwolf · 18/01/2023 19:14

I’m in the process of selling mine. It’s a hard pill to swallow, as just like a PP, it’s my ex who had the affair and it feels very unfair DD and I are the ones who have to suffer. Hopefully our new place, wherever that may, be will be ok.

Yazo · 18/01/2023 19:29

Just go. I have two friends whose ex has insisted in staying in the forever home with all the bedrooms whilst my friends have had to buy pretty much a shoe box. Very frustrating and seems to be increasingly common. I visited my friend recently and yes her house is tiny but it's lovely and it's hers. My other friend has decided to stay in the forever home, share a room with her 6 year old for years now while the partner comes and goes with his new girlfriend in the same house!! Not worth it. Also another friend didn't leave and she sadly died last year, the misery of the abusive marriage literally cost her her life. Enjoy your future, a house is just a house, a memory but make better ones of something more fun than bricks.

Original poster
AlliWantIsARoomSomewheeeere · 18/01/2023 21:27

Thanks for the perspectives ladies, I am just slowly trying to let it go, in between a lot of wishful thinking!
Just to point out its not a massive or fancy house, just a good sized 3 bed semi, but in lovely area that manages to be both quiet and close to everything, like schools, shops etc, has a drive and decent street parking and a lovely big garden and a room for me to have as a studio.
We have been here 6 years and I am halfway through making it how I imagined it when we brought it (other half works a way a lot and has always let me decorate my way, so that part has never been an issue)
The biggest struggle is the houses i might possibly be able to afford alone, dont tend to have a suitable extra room for me to work from (i have people come to me in the evenings, whilst kids are home) those that do a a step up in price, that I would struggle to afford. sigh.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 18/01/2023 21:30

Yes, it was very traumatic, and still hurts me eleven years later.

I kinda dream of winning the lottery and somehow buying it back.

Betterthing · 18/01/2023 21:32

No, but I never used that term anyway. It sounds horribly stagnant, uncreative, and fixed. Probably why I was happy to leave the marriage, tbh. I love my new space, and best of all, it is mine. I feel very lucky to be free!

mathanxiety · 18/01/2023 21:33

And yes, it hurts that it was down to exH's behaviour that it had to be sold, and we had to move into an apartment where we are still because I couldn't afford to buy in the same school catchment.

mathanxiety · 18/01/2023 21:36

Plus, exH insisted on sale at the time it was sold and wouldn't wait out the housing price collapse and depressed housing market that followed, even though we had a fixed rate mortgage (US). The house has tripled in value since. That money would have made a huge difference to the DCs and to me. A massive, life enhancing difference. He wanted it sold in order to spite me and didn't care that he hurt the kids too.

SophieIsHereToday · 18/01/2023 21:36

Many people who are younger than your will never experience a forever home because of increased cost of houses. Even in a partnership they won't be able to afford it. Whilst it's hard to lose something, perhaps you can view it as you were lucky to have such a possession that many will never get to experience

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 18/01/2023 21:37

You might find it nice to have a fresh start? I love my house and it was honestly one of the reasons I put off leaving ExH for so long. No idea why as he diddnt have a hope in hell of buying me out but there we go.

I lived there alone for 2 years before moving in with my DP and I was heartbroken to leave it but actually, now time has passed I love living in a house that has nothing of exH in it. He's never been here, he has no idea where it is and I kinda like that.

CharlotteWeb123 · 18/01/2023 21:38

SophieIsHereToday · 18/01/2023 21:36

Many people who are younger than your will never experience a forever home because of increased cost of houses. Even in a partnership they won't be able to afford it. Whilst it's hard to lose something, perhaps you can view it as you were lucky to have such a possession that many will never get to experience

For example www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4723010-for-me-to-be-a-sahm-my-dh-would-have-to-earn?reply=123193924&utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

JustWantedACat · 18/01/2023 21:43

determinedtomakethiswork · 18/01/2023 15:31

I could never understand how a man could do that. The guy next door to me has done that and I don't have any respect for him at all.

If I were to meet a man in that position, I wouldn't be interested in him at all once I knew where his children were living.

Show quote history

It happened to me, but only because it was "his house" when I met him. So 10 years of having kids, building the house into a home (as it was a basic "typical man" house when I met him) and building a life together meant nothing in the end because I was the one who obviously had to leave, meaning me and the dc lived in a much smaller house in a worse area whilst he lived in a bigger house in a nice area whilst having his dc EOW.

Moral of the story... never move into a guys house "because it's easier for everyone."

Vintagevixen · 18/01/2023 21:52

I will never get over it. It's been three years and we have moved on, very fond of my new little house and making a new life with DD.

However I still think about it and often dream I am there. All my DD's early childhood years were there, so many memories of those precious years. I think that's why it's so hard for me - despite a failing relationship with ex DD and I were happy there and it will always be home.

Haven't been back to look at it since the day we left, not sure I will ever be able to. It's hard.

But time does put more distance between me and it. Hopefully more time will put more distance and one day I may feel at least less upset.

Vintagevixen · 18/01/2023 21:54

And yes I also dream sometimes if winning the lottery and buying it back!

KarmaStar · 18/01/2023 22:00

Of course!!
it's not even a home,a sanctuary when you're unhappy.
we often find in life that the changes we didn't want are the right ones for us in the end.
if you cannot keep it by any financial extras from changing jobs or renting out a room,say goodbye and move on to a happier life.🌈

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 18/01/2023 22:01

I left the home I designed and built. It was wonderful. I still miss it a bit some 20 years later but it was definitely worth leaving. No regrets at all.

Vintagevixen · 18/01/2023 22:03

However on a positive note it is AMAZING being able to decorate exactly how I please, live how I please, make all the decisions on renovations, play the music I want (Oasis is prohibited in my house as ex always used to play them full blast when drunk).

My house is full of colour, comfy sofas and comforting textures. I've banned dark leather chesterfields which ex adored!

VladmirsPoutine · 18/01/2023 22:06

Yes I got over it but it took me some time. Be patient with yourself and don't think it silly - it was more than just a 'roof'.

PicaK · 18/01/2023 22:09

Did it last summer.
The leaving bit is hard and emotional and drags out and is heart wrenching. Lasts for months and a lot of tears.
The arriving bit is a fresh new start and full of promise. And every bit a home.
I downsized in the same village, drive past the old house every day and I feel nothing for it. Genuinely. Did not expect to find it this easy after the misery of going.

Beansontoast45 · 18/01/2023 22:13

It was horrible, more the thought of my children living in a not so nice house etc. The children and I moved into a rented flat while I organised a mortgage and got things together, it was tough. Five years on, we have a lovely house, which has never been his and lovely fresh memories. I don’t regret leaving, no house was worth putting up with him.

MysteryBelle · 18/01/2023 22:18

I don’t know for sure what I’d do if I was in your position but I think I’d stay put. Let him leave. My home is important to me and I wouldn’t leave it, it is a house I love and couldn’t find anything better and certainly couldn’t afford it.

And, think. If you go through with a divorce, he may end up with the house, and with a new partner who will have access to your children and there won’t be anything you can do about it. I’d consider all the factors carefully before I made such a life altering decision. So, not sure what the answer is but I would be even unhappier if I had to leave my house and have my children in the care of people I might not want them to be.

FilthyforFirth · 18/01/2023 22:21

Coming from a slightly different angle, I have never got over losing my childhood home that had to be sold in my parents divorce. I have an unhealthy attachment to it, and often drive past to look at it.

I obsessively look to see if it is on the market as I would buy it back in a heartbeat.

I left this house in 1999. However, despite how sad I still am, my parents getting divorced was the right thing to do and whilst I wish my mother had let my father buy her out, it was better growing up somewhere else, rather than with them in that house.

KateofGhent · 18/01/2023 22:26

@sunshinesupermum

Similar to you except that my former partner died recently. I didn't want to leave my small but beautiful home we shared, but he had the bigger share and i couldn't afford to buy him out. I felt settled in the area, now I live 70 miles away and am really homesick, but at least I am not homeless.

bonzaitree · 18/01/2023 22:30

I imagine that’s really hard for you OP, because it’s not just the house per se, it’s what the house represents too.

I think it’s OK to be sad about it. Remember that every living situation has positives and negatives.

Can you talk to a friend about this?

PuzzleMonster · 18/01/2023 22:37

I would put a different perspective on this. When ex-H and I split we had a perfectly decent 4 bedroom house, I wasn't emotionally attached to it except that it's where my children had lived since they were babies.

I divorced him, and moved them to a much nicer house which we really love. Similar size, but much nicer area, much better layout, bigger garden. Once he stopped being a drain on us financially this was easy. I've never really understood the "forever home" idea but maybe this will be one for us, I can't imagine moving again, if that's what is means? We are extremely happy here. And it's just mine and theirs. We have planted up the garden, we can extend the house as well at some point, planning permission is granted. This is where their childhood memories happen, here, so this is home. When we go away I always feel happy to come back, no holiday blues. DC seem to feel the same. I've never felt like that before after holidays.

Home is where you make it. And it can be at least as nice as where you live with a partner. Why wouldn't it? It can take time to redecorate and furnish somewhere sure but I work very hard in my career to make sure I can make it just how we want. We don't need him. This house is full of love and laughter and Christmas and Easter and birthday traditions and summers in the garden with waterfights and paddling pools. This is the home we've made, where all the DC's friends are local and we have had such wonderful times. Why would we want to be anywhere else?