to think you don't tell your ex you love them?

[pancakesmancake]

My boyfriend shares a child with his ex, they argued a lot. He has always said she wanted more commitment but he knew she wasnt the one for him. Anyway we have been together 8 months, i havent met hsi child yet which is fine. Recently I have just felt uncomfortable with their relationship, he has said he classes her as family and its important for them to get along as friends. I think this is healthy, but it seems they have not yet worked all their boundaries out. I saw a conversation where she says " oh x I do love you, to what he replied love you too. To be this is crossing the line massively, he says they are family there will always be love there?! Wtf I dont have kids but I imagine most people dont feel this way?

Any answers?

Well their relationship may be over but it doesn't sound as though they're over each other. Therefore he doesn't sound ready for a new relationship. It's up to you whether you want to end it over that. I'd like to think I would but I appreciate it's easier said than done.

I think it’s fantastic for their child if they can love each other as co-parents. ‘Conscious uncoupling’ like Gwen Paltrow and Chris whatsisface who holiday together with kids and new partners. Yes they are family and will always be family because of their children.

But you do have to feel trusting that he genuinely loves and picks you. That he genuinely has no interest in getting back together with her. If you aren’t reassured by what he says, I don’t think it would work out for you.

Overall though, I think it’s a great sign of maturity on his part (assuming he’s genuine and loves her as a co-partner).

It's ok as long as it's genuinely said in a friendly and affectionate way not meaning anything romantic. Like you love your brother or whatever. Do you have any other issues with their relationship apart from this? How long ago did they split up?

Agreed with this.

If you know he strung his ex along (having a baby when not invested) what makes you think he'll treat you any better?

He doesn't sound serious about you either.

Utter bullshit.

I respect my ex-husband as the father of my children and my co-parent. I do not have any 'love' for him, and I would never normalise that kind of dialogue.

It's mostly confusing for the children, upsetting if there is a new partner (such as here) and a definite blurring of healthy boundaries.

You can be friendly and co-parents without the 'love.'

OP, this all depends on how you feel about it. Have you spoken to your OH about this?

So he strung her along and had a baby with her, ‘always’ knowing he didn’t want to be with her
and that’s not ringing any alarm bells for you, no?

I love my ex. I don’t want to be with him and I’m not in love with him, but I love him like a brother and probably always will. And we don’t even share a child.

I would throw this one back. It's one thing to want to approach things like this as coparents but he should recognise that it's something any future partners might find odd and need a lot of reassurance and persuasion about, not nonchalantly try to pass it off as the norm. It's not the norm.

He admitted he got her pregnant whilst they were casually seeing each other, they tried a relationship and I think he did for their child.
He just said they are family always, we have had some issues because he admitted he still felt jealousy in regards to her moving on...
He then said he's worried about another man being around their child

YANBU in my opinion. I'd be very hurt if I found out my partner had text his ex saying he loved them, regardless if they had a child together or not. There's a big difference between having love for someone because of having a connection like a child & actually saying you love them. Either he is saying it just to please her or he still has feelings for her, it sounds like he isn't ready for a totally committed new relationship. I would be asking questions.

Also as a person who's parents are divorced, I'd find it very strange if I heard them saying they still loved each other.

My parents were wonderful co-parents. They’re friends and undoubtedly love each other platonically, however I can’t imagine them sending each other message expressing their love. For them I’m pretty sure it’d cross a massive boundary and I can’t imagine the motivation behind it.

Your the classic case of he got under you to get over her. Not saying it won't last or work out but can you live with that grey area? Texts like that show an immaturity and a red flag like they could have those little sparkly moments of let's see if we can try again?! Where does that leave you!!! I care for my kids father and so on and he me but we had clear boundaries. No friendly loving texts, no cosy chats. I would sit in his house with his wife present only, he never came in my house. Meanwhile it was all transparent with my husband.

Also is the ex getting kicks knowing she could have him if she wanted him? Maybe I'm not normal but it's far too familiar for my liking. You should message her partner and see what he thinks of their none related I love you family theory? Hope you find the answer.

She doesnt have a partner as far as i'm aware so the fact she even said I love you, plus he said she wanted more put my back up immediately

Yeah that’s pretty weird. And messy. I’d back away slowly and move on.

Oh ffs op ignore posts like this.
Some posters like to push the narrative that enteribg a relationship with someone with children means that you're not allowed personal boundaries. There is nothing mature about starting a new relationship while you are still entangled with an ex!

Of course this isn't something that you should just put up with. It makes you deeply uncomfortable and the fact that you're questioning your own feelings about this is worrying.

Bullshit to you too. People are allowed to view their relationships differently and feel different things to you.

We don’t all handle things in the same way.

What a saint for making that effort
it’s nice now that he’s realised he doesn’t want her
that he also doesn’t want anyone else to have her
and he’s keeping her on the hook by telling her he loves her. Poor woman.

Chuck him back.

Plenty more fish in that sea.

I'm saying that as a former step-child and current (de facto) step-mother.

He can co-parent with her and you may even get on with her, but they shouldn't be sending "I love you" messages to one another. He clearly has boundary issues as well as emotional ones. That will ultimately screw up your relationship and his child's mental health.

@WhatAmIDoingWrong123 Why the need to be nasty?

@Amuseaboosh said it depends on how the OP feels about it. The fact the OP is posting here means she isn't entirely happy about it.

I just don't think it's something nice for you to have to live with as the worry or anxiety will creep in, even if it really is innocent. Like if he is taking too long dropping or picking up kid. I think he is using the family word to throw you off or rationalise the weird text. As if you do start getting antsy he will make you doubt your lard by saying Errgh I see her as family blah blah. End of the day they were in a sexual relationship so it's not completely out there for you to worry he could go back there. Worry eats people up? Just be careful you don't fall
Into the trap of brushing over it all and be honest with yourself if other clues are there.

There's not enough words in the English language for love.

I will always love my STBX because I always want the best for him, I think if him warmly and he's the father of my children. I think I will continue to say I love you to him as all those things will remain true regardless of our relationship status. That doesn't mean I want to be back together with him or want to sleep with him.

He then said he's worried about another man being around their child - ok, now he's sounding like a dick. So he doesn't want her but he doesn't want her to be with anyone else?

Me and my ex often tell each other we love each other. We didn’t have children but our families are very intertwined.